Adulthood

I’ve been on an effort to be more “adult-like” and try new things, most of which has been represented in purchasing things.

I bought oranges this weekend for the first time ever. I think I tried to peel one once in my childhood, and couldn’t get the white crap all off, so I never tried again. I’ve eaten cut up slices when they are at restaurants, but having my own orange is a new thing. We’ll see how Heloise v. Orange goes today. (update: I succeeded and it was delicious.)

I bought mouthwash, too. I haven’t used mouthwash in forever. It used to be painful so I hated it, then it was gross so I hated it. My new mouthwash and I started off rocky. I bought Listerine, and I didn’t realize it’s 21% alcohol. It’s murderously painful. I lasted maybe 30 of the recommended 60 seconds. Hopefully time will make my gums less sensitive to it.

When I was at a friend’s wedding a few weeks back, I had my makeup done by a friend, and she used foundation. My regular makeup routine (and by regular, I mean when I have a date/plans) is to do tinted lip gloss, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, and maybe some under eye cream stuff. Curling my eyelashes was as complex as it got. Part of my lack of makeup stems from the fact that I’m blessed with a pretty good complexion – I have freckles and I naturally blush a decent amount. I used to wear a bunch of makeup for performances in high school, but that was a decade ago. That said, I looked good with makeup on for this wedding, so I decided to splurge and I bought eye primer, foundation, and blush. I need bronzer, but that’s a step ahead. Yay beauty routines!

There have been other “adulthood” things I’ve been working on, but figured it was time for a flashback to the blog’s old days of randomness.

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7/15

Holy hell new experiences!

First, I now know how to drive some stunt tricks and how to shoot a variety of guns. I know how to tie tourniquets, do CPR, and do a variety of bandages and medical triage procedures. It’s been a long week, but I do feel better equipped to handle emergencies. I also am considerably more confident when driving.

Second, I went on a weekend trip with some kinky friends, and it was amazing! I was a little worried that I’d be the 7th wheel, but you’d have to try really hard to feel like that with this group of people. Instead, the weekend was awesome, and full of new experiences and sexy fun times.

I expanded on my very hesitant exploration of bisexuality. I made out with almost everyone there (letting out my inner slut a little bit…), including the women. I helped hitachi a girl, although I was a bit hesitant with that. Women went down on me – well, women and men went down on me – and I had screaming orgasms. I let my inner stripper self come out, and got down and dirty with some dance songs. I love dancing, it’s exhilarating and makes me feel sexy.

I also had it reinforced that I really cannot handle large man parts. I’m debating asking my girl doctor if there is anything they can do to facilitate sexy fun times without unwanted pain.

Basically, it was a weekend of debauchery. I’m surprisingly not concerned with my slutty-ness, at least not yet. We’ll see how these feelings progress as the week goes on :).

Day 20, 30 Days of Kink

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

For some reason, this one was harder for me. There are lots of things I’m curious about (they’re listed in my fetish and limits post), but pinning down specific things I don’t understand are more difficult.

My curiosities, as listed on my fetlife profile and whatnot, include: breath play, cages, wax and ice play, cupping, fire play, hitachis, interrogation, mind fucks, take downs, remote control vibrators in public, role play, switching, threesomes, and domination.

The bigger thing that is a curiosity primarily because it is something I don’t understand very well is polyamory. Thing is, poly can mean multiple primary partners, open to sexual play but nothing more, swinging, or anything in between. I know a few folks that seem to make it work pretty well for them, and a lot of others that have a myriad of variations. I’m constantly trying to learn more about what works for people and their interpretations. It helps me to figure out exactly what I want in a relationship and how best to achieve that. It’s still a pretty big unknown to me, though. It seems so against our nature, in that people tend to be possessive and jealous, and making that work seems so difficult. Then again, for some people, it seems to work best with their nature, so who knows?

Day 19, 30 Days of Kink

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

So, so many…

My self confidence has grown immensely. I’m more confident about my body – what it is capable of, what I enjoy sexually, that people find it attractive. I’m less hesitant around both new people of all types and men specifically. I’m able to flirt and tease, ask people to play, interact with strangers and create intimate spaces within minutes. This sense of self, feeling of confidence in who I am and what value that is, was something I seriously lacked prior to kink. Well, prior to the last two years, and kink was part of that (so was grad school, moving a few times, independence, etc.).

Moreover, I am much more accepting of other people, other cultures, other sexualities, and other paths in life. I have seen and experienced so many things I had no idea about before, and the increase in knowledge has only broadened my mind in positive ways.

I am much more flexible and forgiving of myself and those around me. I see more shades of grey in the black and white that our society puts forth. I know how to create situations that work for me instead of accepting what other people say has to be.

Lastly, I’ve met so many great people! Kink has been a great way for me to get connected to my community, both in Pittsburgh and DC. It has helped me make friends and have amazing experiences. Kinky people are the best! I love my ‘nilla friends, but kinky folks seem to be better able to balance work and play, which has been a nice change. They are supportive, open-minded, mostly non-judgmental, and overall the best and most unexpected part of kink.

Day 15, 30 Days of Kink

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I was going to post about my current nearly uncontrollable desire, but realized that it fits in with Day 15 perfectly.

I want to be Dominated. (Note – the capitalization was intentional for emphasis.) I want to be controlled, ravished, owned, possessed. I want someone to get in my head and make me want to submit and obey. I want to focus solely on pleasing this person, and to surrender complete control to them. I want fear, anticipation, and lust.

I’ve bottomed a lot, but I haven’t submitted a lot. I did some online D/s before getting involved with things in reality, but while some of that did get in my head I don’t count that as being dominated since it wasn’t in person. I have dated Dominant men, but I’ve never really been dominated by them.

Bottoming is unique, because it does involve surrendering control for a scene. Thing is, usually I’ve set the parameters of that scene. Oftentimes it’s for play, for sensations, for experiences – it isn’t about the power exchange. I’ve done some pain play scening with Domly folks who had the potential to get in my head, and maybe there was a hint here or there, but it’s never been a full-on thing.

I’ve mentioned it before on this blog, but it’s rare that I encounter a Dom/Top who makes me feel instantly submissive. That said, it does happen. People get in my head. It happens with few people, but with those people it’s instantaneous. I want to please them. I immediately respect their unspoken authority. I get turned on during all types of play, even play that I normally wouldn’t react much to. I want one of those people to take advantage of that submission and play with it.

Basically, I’m curious about power exchange and I want to try it. For some reason, the last few days this desire to be dominated has taken over my mind. I think it’s because I’ve met some people lately who I could imagine submitting to. Times like that remind me that there could still be a D/s relationship (not just kinky) in my future someday, were I to find the right man.

Kinky Getting to Know You from Fetlife

Kinky Questions: Getting to know you.

  1. Are you open to play with others? Were I in a committed relationship, I’d be open to my partner playing with others under certain conditions. One, play would not be sexual unless we had discussed it beforehand or were both involved. (What is considered “sexual” is something we would have to determine together – groping isn’t the same thing as intercourse, etc.) Two, we’d get one another’s consent before playing with someone else.
  2. Do you oral? I enjoy giving it, but I’ve never received it so can’t say on that front.
  3. Do you do anal? I never have, but I’m open to trying it with the right person. 
  4. Are you the top, bottom, switch or neither? Definitely bottom, although I’d be open to switching once in a very blue moon for the right person.
  5. Do you have limits? Of course! 
  6. So do you get/give play punishment/real punishment/no punishment? I’m open to play punishment, but real punishment is a deeper power exchange dynamic that I’m not looking for at this point.
  7. Do you Roleplay? I haven’t, but I would.
  8. If you could only do one sexual act for the rest of your life what would it be? What counts as a sexual act? Probably intercourse, if I really had to choose.
  9. How about some Bondage? Of course! I ❤ bondage, especially with rope.
  10. Would you play with someone of the same gender? I’d play in the kinky sense without sex. As for sexual play, I’m open to maybe making out or groping, but nothing more than that.
  11. What is the first thing you notice about a person that turns you on? Their humor and whether or not they smile easily, their general demeanor/Toppiness, or height.
  12. If you saw your significant other with someone else you would think? With someone else of which gender, in what context? It all depends on the details.
  13. How do you feel about hair pulling? I love it! I really get off on someone playing with and pulling on my hair, the harder the better. I also really like playing with my partner’s hair.
  14. Candles and massage or whips and chains? Candles and massage. You can always use the wax or hands for pain if that’s your game. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’d be down to try out the whips and chains too, but if I had to pick one I’d pick the sensual option.
  15. How do you feel about nakedness? I’m not as comfortable nude as a lot of kinky people are, blame it on a combination of modesty and self-consciousness, but I’m ok with getting naked with my partner for sexy fun times. If I don’t trust that they’re attracted to me at that point, than I wouldn’t be at that point. I’ve never really had it be an issue.
  16. Do you like porn, dirty pictures or erotica? Erotica, by far. I read it, write it, enjoy it. That said, I’ve really never been great at finding free photos or porn, and I don’t pay for it, so I’m not really that experienced with the other options.
  17. What’s your dirty little secret? What’s considered a dirty little secret really depends on the audience/who you are. If you’re a vanilla friend, all this – everything contained or referred to in this blog – is my secret. If you’re a kinky friend, I guess it’s that I’m not as sexually experienced as pretty much everyone else in this community (at least those I’ve come across). 

GrUE Pitt & Life

So, where to begin? Have I mentioned time is FLYING by? I mean, seriously, I move in less than a month. This is an unintentionally long post, since it’s been a while and a lot is going on. I like to process in this blog, and this helps me reflect on things as time passes. I guess that’s just like another disclaimer that I write this for me and not anyone else, so if it is tedious that is why.

Some randoms: we were able to switch our lease so that we don’t have to pay rent until May 5, which is awesome :). I aced my management science midterm. I cleaned my apartment (which was very necessary). It was CMU’s carnival this weekend and I got to go on lots of fun midway rides.

The big thing I did this weekend = GrUE Pitt. This was my first ever kink conference, or educational kink experience. I really had NO IDEA what to expect. I actually volunteered my apartment for a girl who came in from DC – I figured it’d be helpful to meet someone in the DC scene for when I move, she’s my age, and I also figured if I were traveling I’d love a free space to crash. I had a moment or two when I questioned my decision, since I really had no idea who this person was, but it ended up a good decision as she was super nice and friendly.

The (un)conference was on Saturday. First off, I really enjoy the idea of an unconference, kink or no-kink. I think it greatly contributes to a creative vibe. I was able to attend a lot of interesting presentations. I went to one on pressure points, one on suspension, a roundtable on humiliation, a conversation on interrogation, and one on rough body play. Beyond some talk at munches, I’ve never really gotten to talk about my kink before, and I really appreciated the opportunity to do so. More than anything, I appreciated the chance to listen to others.

I was a bit worried at first that as a submissive and as a single person I wouldn’t get much out of this experience, or I’d be out of place. That was entirely wrong. People in Pittsburgh are so incredible, and I felt very welcomed. I was able to really just be myself all day, and it finally got to the point where I feel like some members of the community are good friends rather than intimidating strangers. I was also able to hear different perspectives on things I’ve been struggling to understand. Hearing people talk about and be accepting of their own masochism or desires to humiliate/be humiliated is totally different than reading it on a Fetlife discussion board.

For me, as I’ve mentioned before (I believe), humiliation is such a complex issue. I find the feeling of being flustered very erotic, but degradation makes me want to hurl and cry. Some humiliation, like mild objectification, fall in between. I worry a little about what I’d be willing to do in the name of pleasing and serving my Dom, but then how I’d feel about it afterward. I also struggle with the concept that a Dom could humiliate me and yet still respect me. Hearing Dominant folk talk about it from their end, about how it is about identifying it as a select moment in time, only doing it once in a great while, the trust involved, and the aftercare necessary kind of built my faith in myself and the potential for such play. I think that it is something I need to wait on, at least until I find the right person, but there is potential. As an aside, it’s almost comical how easily embarrassed I am – I was embarrassed/blushing just talking about humiliation. Ironic, really.

Pressure points was an awesome demo as well. It’s crazy how pushing one simple spot causes so much pain. Since I like pain, this is good. It’s an easy way for a Dom to gain the upper hand.

Another thing I learned throughout the day is that limits are ever changing, need to be discussed, and are never an end-all. A discussion on limits should not be the only discussion; more importantly, one should talk about uncertainties, desires, and fears. Also, a Dom should make certain to test the waters before introducing something entirely off the wall, because sometimes a sub doesn’t realize something is a possibility and thus doesn’t acknowledge it as a limit. IE : cutting my hair, burning off my eyebrows, insects, etc.

After the unConference part, there was play time. I was able to play with some coconut rope, which was awesome. I watched a man and a woman grapple for 2 hours nonstop, which was wicked crazy and kind of frightening; I’m not big on violence (again, ironic I know). I felt some fireplay in my hand, quickly, but still cool. I also met another man in the DC scene who explained a bit about different events, which was nice.

After that play, there was another party with even MORE play (yay!). I loved being able to hang out with people in such a relaxed environment. House parties are so much more my comfort zone than bars. I was actually able to ask for what I wanted (with the reassurance of a friend first) and got a nice flogging. I probably could have taken more, but the dynamic was a bit different since there were people watching and it was someone else’s Dom. I guess I kind of felt like he was doing me a favor, so I didn’t want to make him go on for too long (my pain tolerance is high), so when it got pretty painful I stopped it rather than pushing through. I feel guilty sometimes because I sense that Doms expect a sub to go into space or make lots of noise really quickly, and it takes longer for me. I don’t want them to do more just for me. I think because I asked, rather than was offered, I also felt a little like it was being done for me rather than for him, which reinforced the guilt thing. I don’t know, that was odd, but despite that the flogging was awesome and settled me down quite a bit. Pain is yet another way to focus me.

I then was able to talk to a Dom who does a lot with electricity and rope. I got my own personal mini-demo on violet wands (which are really freaking cool), and I got to be tied up in a nice, tight chest harness. A lot of times rope isn’t done prettily, or that tight, and I love it tight, pretty, and entirely constraining. This wasn’t constraining, but I’ll take what I can get. I wore the harness all night actually, and had to cut it off in the morning. It was just cheap nylon, but I still hated cutting it off. I would have worn it for days if I could hide it.

I had a rough time for a little bit in the day struggling with wanting to play and who to ask, working up the nerve to ask, etc. I was able to get past that a bit by the end of the night, but it was still a little difficult. In general, I’ve been feeling my lack of a Dom and of a boyfriend these days. Two of my closest friends just started dating guys seriously, and while I am genuinely, utterly happy for them, it still reinforces my own single-dom. It’d be super nice to end a kinky evening with hot sex and cuddling, you know? It isn’t something I’m crying over, but there are occasional twinges.

Sunday there were free pancakes, which were delicious. Then I went to see the Disney concert at the Pittsburgh symphony, which was good. Today I saw the movie Soul Surfer, and it just motivated me. If a girl can have her arm chomped off by a shark and immediately compete in surfing championships (and place), I can conquer my workload and get my shit together.