Code d’Odalisque and Protocol

Edited to add: This is my 500th post. Crazy! Funnier still that it revisits something discussed in one of the first blog entries I posted.

Someone I’ve been talking to mentioned the Code d’Odalisque the other day, and I’d never heard of it. It’s essentially a framework and extensive set of protocols for a male dominant/female submissive sexual slavery relationship. Read it here.

The Code was interesting to read. I was a bit surprised that someone had the time and energy to create such a document. I mean, they include things all the way down to how to address other slaves in text. That’s a bit intense. There are some things that really appealed to me, though:

  • As a whole, the framework emphasizes legality, consent, and the protection of vanilla reputation.
  • There are contract and many safety precautions.
  • There’s an emphasis on existing for the Master’s pleasure – training, service, etc. along those lines – and being tortured with pleasure.
  • There are formalities and rituals for initiating a period of intense service and for earning a collar-like necklace (only they are incredibly specific that it be tahitian black pearls…).
  • There are clauses that require honest discussion.
  • Masters aren’t permitted to cut their slaves’ hair, or beat her face, scar her, or humiliate/degrade her.
  • There are protocols for interacting within a D/s relationship that are built on a foundation of respect and care for one another.

Those things all have positive elements to them. There are larger things that bother me, though.

  • The slave is required to have no sexual desires or plans of her own. She becomes a passive vessel for her Master’s fantasies. I’m all for my Dom using me for his pleasure, and taking my submission as an opportunity to play out fantasies…but I also want my fantasies to be acknowledged. They don’t have to be included in our play, that’s my Dom’s discretion, but I have desires, and I’m not going to pretend they don’t exist.
  • The slave should not take initiative. I’m sorry, but sometimes, it’s fun to turn the tables, insomuch as I’m horny as fuck and want to jump my Dom. He’s welcome to playfully punish me for it later, or I’m happy to ask for permission to take initiative, I guess, if I had too…but too much restraint makes for no fun.
  • Similarly, the slave should be silent unless spoken to. I get this for a scene, or maybe a long scene/weekend of crazy-intense protocol, but for a regular dynamic, no thanks. I want to converse and joke with my partner. I want to be able to snark at him and have him tease me back. That’s part of who I am and what makes me happy in my relationships.
  • The code says sentimentality and vulgarity should not be in the bedroom…I beg to differ.
  • Clothing must be sacrificed – the code suggests putting them under lock and key. I can understand rules about clothing, inside and outside of the home. Selecting every item and having no access to clothing is micromanagement I’m not interested in. The point is for the captivity to be reemphasized…but to some extent, I’d rather be trusted with the choice. If you want me naked at home, fine, then  make it a rule. If I disobey it, discipline me. But wouldn’t you rather have my submission when I am faced with an option and I voluntarily choose to ignore the clothing, rather than forcefully keep it from me?
  • Service for obedience’s sake isn’t appreciated. Service should only be sexual, and all other types are sort of spoken down about. Literally, to the extent that wearing an apron indicates lesser status because odalisques shouldn’t cook, it’s beneath them. Sometimes, I want to cook for my partner because I want to serve him in that way.
  • With that, I want my submission to be valued in ways outside sexuality. If I want to clean or do something as a service to make him happy, why not do that? I want to exist for his pleasure, not just sexual pleasure, as long as my needs are being met and he’ll listen to my wants, and we can work out daily life responsibilities in a way that isn’t overwhelming to either partner.
  • Solitary confinement as punishment. Being deprived of affection and/or love, or being ignored, are dealbreakers. I’d rather use pain, or write lines, or have an activity restricted, etc.
  • There’s a lot of emphasis on sharing and how to interact with guests. I’m not sure on this. If I were going to engage in M/s in a group setting with other Dominants, I like the idea of having etiquette for that scenario. I just am not OK with a protocol that allows  my Dom to share me at his discretion.
  • Sex slavery is listed as an adjunct to marriage. My ideal is to find a Dominant that I can marry. I want to be wife and submissive, not just tertiary sex slave.
  • A series of individual protocols: referring to myself in the third person (Master’s slave thinks…), having no name or being renamed, mandatory marking/branding, chanting, a six year limit on a relationship, slaves aren’t allowed to toast at dinner, slaves must have an empty glass by their side for semen only and can’t have their own beverage cup otherwise, capitalization protocols with people other than my Dom…basically there are a bunch of nitpicky things that bother me.

Overall, I don’t think the code has a middle ground. You’re either a sex slave, or you’re not. You’re in “occlusion” or “sojourn.” What about the in-between? I want a more flexible dynamic. I think it’d work having a set of very formal rituals and protocols that can be lived out in a fantasy weekend here or there. The rest of the time, though, I wouldn’t want to be in “sojourn,” I’d just want a lesser amount of protocol. In the bedroom, there can be an element of pleasure slave, sure, but in life, sometimes protocols get in the way.

Honestly, I don’t know what level of control or protocol works for me. I’ve never been in a D/s relationship like that. I’ve been in relationships with men who Top, and I’ve dated men into D/s, but I’ve never built a power exchange relationship. When I think of having rules for clothing, greeting, speech, eye contact, sitting, and more, it overwhelms and scares me. I want some rules. I want structure, discipline, and subservience. I want to serve my Dom’s desires and please him, to feel his control over me. I just think that can be achieved in a variety of ways, both sexual and service-oriented, not all with protocol.

I also know that I can’t start out with protocols galore and such. I need to start with small gestures of submissive, and gradually escalate as trust, affection, love, and comfort grow. I need to be led into it, too, and with lots of positive reinforcement and constructive conversations so that I can learn and accept my role thoroughly. Being a submissive at all is a new thing and requires training and gentle guidance for me, being one with a high level/frequency of power exchange would require even more.

That said, protocols I think make sense would include wearing a certain type or style of clothing that fits my Dom’s preference, addressing him as Sir, keeping a journal, sitting on the floor unless alone or have his permission, asking permission to orgasm, on certain days maybe being required to do something specific with him in mind, etc.

Rules I think make sense would deal with how to maintain communication, how to behave in his presence, pet peeves to avoid, habits I want to instill that he’s reinforcing, etc. For example, if I am trying to exercise more, we can talk and have him make it a rule or provide some form of accountability so that I can reach the goal that I want. Note that the emphasis is on his guidance to accomplishing goals that I set and we mutually discussed, not on him trying to change me outside my will or without my acknowledgement. (Manipulation should be acknowledged and consented to.)

But really, the dynamic I foresee is similar to a “normal” (non-kinky) couple. We’ll live our lives, and when it’s just us, I’ll refer to him differently, defer to his decision-making – but be allowed to debate and joke, try to do things that please him when I can, and be sexually available to him. He would provide opportunities for me to please him (i.e. it would make me happy if you did x,y,z), or directly ask (sternly so I know it’s really a command) me to serve him in some way. If I have a problem with something, I voice my concern. If I have needs not being met, I voice them. If I have wants, I voice them but he can determine whether or not they’re satisfied. My choices are to obey, to disobey and be punished, or to end the dynamic.

Pondering Writing

I’m debating between two different story ideas. I want to write something before the year is out, so time is a-wasting. My options:

1) Focus on mental bondage, or self-restraint — a submissive making herself available for pain, being teased and brought to the edge, then required to ask for the things she fears the most in order to get satisfaction. Realizing that satisfaction is doing what pleases him, regardless of what her state is, and surrendering to that. Him manipulating her to enjoy the things she fears, to need the implement of her fear in order to get off.

2) Charity auction. Girl has been unallowed to touch or have sexual contact of any kind for a week. At a local kink event, there’s a platform. She’s caged and exposed, blindfolded and gagged. There’s a sheet in front of her for a silent auction – up for sale is the decision of how many times she’ll be brought close to orgasm and denied (limit of some sort, TBD). Her Dom will do these teases. There’s also a bucket next to the paper – each dollar represents a minute she will be held at the brink of orgasm (edged) after the teases have been completed. There will be a live auction to determine who will get to do the edging. While the teases and edging happen, she’ll be miked so that her pleading and sounds combine with the music of the club as people play and party around them (the auction is a side event going on).

Which one do I write out? Grr. Both have been fermenting in my mind for a while. I think both have challenging parts that I need to figure out how to write in an exciting way. My goal is to choose and write one before I leave town on the 20th.

Shackles

I bought iron shackles at the MD renaissance festival in September. It happened in a sort of weird way. I was walking around with a guy I’d been dating (if briefly – that has since ended), and someone he kind of knew walked up to him to show off the iron shackles he’d purchased. I was immediately fascinated, and I asked him to show us where he got them. All three of us wandered around, shopped, and talked for most of the rest of the day. He indeed led us to the blacksmith, where I bought my own set of shackles.

I didn’t get fetlife names for any of the kinky people I met, including the man who showed us to the shackles and we spent a good deal of time with, which I regretted a great deal afterwards. That guy contacted me this week (hurrah for reconnecting), and it got me thinking a bit about chains and shackles again, among other things. I’d been wondering more about steel bondage anyhow, and had been finding some interesting tumblr photos. I’ve used handcuffs a few times, and was wrapped up in chains once casually at a party, but haven’t ever spent a good amount of time in that kind of bondage. Most of my bondage experience is with rope, which I adore, but chains appeal for a distinctly different reason.

I like rope because of the smell and texture, the ability to tease and connect with your partner through the act of tying, and the variety of painful and unique positions. Rope gives me a chance of escape, which enhances my struggle.

Chains and metal bondage, however, fascinate me because they are so unyielding. There is absolutely no chance of escape. They are cold and hard.

I’ve wanted to use my shackles, but haven’t been with anyone I really trust to use them since buying them. I’ve been afraid to use them on my own (I can cut myself out of my rope should something go wrong, I can’t do that with metal). Last night, I finally said fuck it and locked myself in. In doing so, I learned a few things.

1) With some maneuvering and finagling, I can wriggle myself out of the cuffs.

2) The snick/clank of the lock immediately rachets my arousal up several notches. I can only imagine how much it would do so were I not the one holding the key.

3) Holy hell easily-achieved strong orgasm. Want more chains.

Pondering Suburbs and Vacations

After talking about discipline, I found it interesting to read two blog posts that sort of relate.

First, this author is talking about living in the suburbs: 4 Reasons I Hate The Suburbs. Her first point is hating driving – I don’t mind it. The second – everything looks the same – is usually true, but in older or smaller towns isn’t. Some towns retain character. The mediocre food in massive quantities, well, yes, but also – large kitchens, fresh produce from nearby farms, and more dinner parties with neighbors. With that, in suburbs people make more of an effort to know their neighbors and integrate into their community. The last point, however, is the one that resonated. The issue here is falling into a routine of averageness and never leaving the suburbs. Leaving aside, the routine of averageness…well, that appeals to me.

I lack routines. I enjoy adventure and trying new things, and I like having lots to do at my disposal. I really wouldn’t mind limiting those things to one day on a weekend and having routines and outdoor/country or homebody things the rest of the time. Averageness of schools and PTA and work…sounds kind of awesome. It sounds like a life that could easily be just as fulfilling as one spent going to different happy hours and events. (It also sounds more economical.) This is how I know I’m not meant to stay this close to a major city. I need to be further out in the suburbs or in a smaller area. I need the built-in slower pace so that my inclination to be busy and speed things up isn’t on top of an already hectic pace.

A second article I read today was about How You Let Loose on Vacation. The author wrote:

Do you take the opportunity to do something you’d never do in your regular life? Does “letting loose” mean collecting as many beads as you can on Bourbon Street, or would you rather get your kicks from trying something that scares you?

Personally, I love all of these things. My perfect vacation would be a medium-luxury style hotel or a nice cabin in the mountains on a a large lake, in mid to late summer – or a beachy town/driving distance to beach. It would involve photography (of nature and/or architecture), a bonfire with marshmallow roasting, stargazing, hot tubs, boating, and copious sex. It would also involve something I’ve never done, whether that be learning to fly fish, taking a helicopter tour, going hanggliding, cooking class, local winery visit, etc. For the perfect vacation, it would have at least one day spent in a nearby major city (think Denver, Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, etc.) with some shopping, a museum or two, a really nice dinner, and maybe a massage or pedicure. Basically…time to relax, read, and pamper; an adventure; connecting with nature; some social moments; all tinged with a tad of luxury that makes me feel like I’m not at home and I’m special for the week.

I was thinking about this because more than ever, my vacations are spent visiting family or cramming in some fun in an “urban adventure.” I haven’t had a vacation with the things I enjoy most since Gulf Shores my first year of grad school. I used to prioritize it quite a bit, but that was when I had built in breaks. Now my time with family is also my vacation time, and my vacation style doesn’t mesh with my family’s.

Updates and Unexpected Issue

I think I’ve decided that my weeknights should be low-key, inexpensive, and primarily introvert focused since I keep my weekends so busy. It can’t be both. This is a tad backwards than most folks I know, but whatever, to each their own.

I rediscovered my Wii this week with my roommate, and have gained a new obsession with Just Dance. It’s like zumba, only in the privacy of my home! Great cardio, fun music, and I don’t feel like it’s work…so that’s a good thing. I’ve also watched a ridiculous amount of the show My Boys this past week. I’m almost finished with all 4 seasons (context – it’s a 20 minute show on Netflix). I highly recommend it.

I started my weekend trying to be productive by going to the DMV. In the never-ending effort to register my car, of course the whole queuing and transaction system went down and they sent everyone home. I had them check my forms just so I was set for next time, and lo and behold, I was missing another form. So, off to the bank to get another form filled out, and I should be ready to get this shit done next time I can take off work to go.

After that, it was time for DC Rope! I linked the vanilla activity group I run to DC Rope, which should be good. There’s so much overlap that it made a lot of sense. It was great to catch up with a lot of folks and spend some time in rope, although it’s never enough. I want more…

I also volunteered at a wine event this weekend, which was crazy busy but a blast. I got to sample a bunch of wines, and I realized I really enjoy pouring wine. I generally like pouring tea and all drinks, but this was especially fun. I’m a pretty good salesperson, and I liked learning my product and persuading people to try it. I would really enjoy selling for a winery or working for a supplier.

I went to a “Slumber Parties” party and bought a new sex toy yesterday…I know, I really didn’t need ANOTHER one…but I couldn’t resist! It’s like the search for the perfect pair of heels, only trying to achieve the penultimate orgasm via toy. I don’t have a hitachi, since personally they freak me the hell out. They’re too strong. I keep buying toys though, and at the end of the day I always end up back with my $5 vibrating bullet. In an effort to get over my penetration issues, I’ve been trying to use insertable toys more. I’m wondering if I can charge them to insurance… The new toy is fancy and made of a smoother non-jelly material. It’s an insertable intended to hit the g-spot with an external clit stimulator.

So then of course I went home to use my new toy…and poof problems ensue. Right now, I don’t have a strong interest in anyone, which has put me in a strange place. I used to always get off to fantasies with faceless men. In the past few years, I’ve taken to getting off to fantasies involving whichever men I’m into at the time. So, without a particular man floating my boat, I don’t have someone to put into my fantasies…and that’s awkward. I actually logistically stumbled in getting off last night. Crazy! Instead I had to go back to focusing on the actions and fetishes and how they make me feel, the situations, instead of the people…which did eventually work, just took some paradigm-shifting.

On the plus side, I think I have a new story idea. It involves an innocent woman getting arrested. An appealing guard notices her involuntary reactions to handcuffs and chains, and taking pity on her knowing the trials and dangers of holding cells and jail that she’ll face while waiting to be absolved, he offers an alternative. It’s a bit in the reluctance/non-consent department, but since I’m too logistically focused, there will be safe words and other options so that she has a choice, there’ll be a romantic element, and of course teasing, denial, minor objectification, and bondage. There may even be co-topping with another guard in the picture.

Day 6, 30 Days of Kink

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I was thinking a lot about what to write for this, since for the kink community, my fantasies tend to be on the tamer side. I feel like that I suppose because I know a lot of people who are very interested in play-rape, breath play, blood play, and age play. I know folks who fantasize a lot about tentacle porn or anime. Me, on the other hand, I fantasize about control – bondage, teasing and denial, begging, being pinned down and physically dominated. In comparison to the aforementioned fetishes, my fantasies seem tame.

Anyhow, I have fantasized about a more extreme edge of orgasm denial that would be enhanced through very advanced toys. This is in no way something I want to act out (for a variety of reasons), but I do find the idea hot.

I’ve imagined that I’ve been captured by some powerful man (who of course is secretly compassionate, intelligent, romantic, attractive, and has a sense of humor – totally unrealistic, I know). He has me outfitted with this very tech-savvy bra and panty set that serve double-duty as chastity devices and toys. Both would be stainless steel. The bra would be entirely smooth on the outside and locked, and designed in such a way that I would in no way be able to touch my nipples. Inside, there would be a part that held the nipple. It could clamp down, use suction, stimulate with electric current, and apply heat or cold. The other inner lining could get hot or cold, vibrate, and massage. The entire thing could be controlled wirelessly/via computer or with pre-programmed sensors. The panty part would be designed in a similar fashion with the same abilities, only it would also have vaginal and anal probes. There would be a removable piece for using the bathroom, although it would require permission to be removed.

When first outfitted with the device, it would be tested by bringing me to climax several times using different settings. Afterwards, the toys could be set to bring me to the edge of climaxing without pushing me over. I would then be kept in this device, brought repeatedly to the edge, until the man returned from work. I’d have a list of things to accomplish during the day, and if I hadn’t done so successfully, I’d be punished.

I’m sure the rest can be filled in by your own imagination. Mainly, I like the idea of having no control over the sensations being applied to my body, including no way to make them stop. I think it’s sexy that someone else would have the power to make me desperately want to climax. The trust implicit in such an arrangement appeals on a mental level, and the helplessness factor turns me on. Things like that do make me feel more dark and twisty, though, so I usually don’t originate my own fantasies in that realm but just read some form of nonconsensual erotic fiction once in a blue moon to satisfy that dark desire.

Related:
I’ve already written a few of my more involved fantasies out, which can be found here. I’ve also posted a bit on a few different themes that recur for me, see Fantasies.