Day 14, 30 Days of Kink

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well, the first obvious thing here is that it’s real. Real life BDSM is not just in your head. It’s not the fleeting thoughts on your morning commute or in-depth fantasy world from your bedroom.

I think the biggest difference between fantasy and reality comes with how much ownership and responsibility one has to have with their own desires and experiences, especially as a submissive or bottom-type female. In novels and stories, Dominants always seem to know the thoughts running through their subs’ mind. They know when to hold back or to push harder, they know what the bottom’s limits are, and they can feel when something is amiss. They know when to tease versus when to be serious, when to punish and when to reward.

This omniscient Dom doesn’t exist in reality. Yes, sometimes you might work with someone often enough and have enough chemistry that it starts to feel like the Top knows your mind, but the reality is that the dynamic desired stems from deep, honest communication. As a submissive, you have to know your limits and what things interest you, and you need to communicate that to your Top. You have to vocalize when you enjoy something and when you don’t. You need to let the person know if they can push you harder. You let them know if you’re upset. People can’t read minds; being kinky doesn’t automatically make you a mind reader.

Sure, it’d be great if I could hide from my emotions sometimes. It’d be nice to act out fantasies without having to talk through them. I get really shy and awkward at times, and the fantasy Dom would work around that. Reality – Doms can be awkward too.

The other way reality differs from fantasy is that real world things get in the way. Sometimes work, school, family, vanilla friends, errands, etc. get in the way of your kink. Sometimes you’re too busy, or you have cramps/a cold and don’t feel like getting kinky at all. Sometimes power dynamics have to shift due to real-world responsibilities.

Lastly, sometimes play hits an emotional land-mine you had absolutely no idea was there, and you have to work through that with your partner and yourself. These things aren’t thought about as much during fantasy. Reality is just that – real – and that means it isn’t always sunny or fun, and sometimes involves dealing with people’s real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. That said, the harder parts are what make the good parts rewarding, and reality is even better than fantasy because of the difficulty, self-growth, and journey you take with your partner(s).

Day 6, 30 Days of Kink

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I was thinking a lot about what to write for this, since for the kink community, my fantasies tend to be on the tamer side. I feel like that I suppose because I know a lot of people who are very interested in play-rape, breath play, blood play, and age play. I know folks who fantasize a lot about tentacle porn or anime. Me, on the other hand, I fantasize about control – bondage, teasing and denial, begging, being pinned down and physically dominated. In comparison to the aforementioned fetishes, my fantasies seem tame.

Anyhow, I have fantasized about a more extreme edge of orgasm denial that would be enhanced through very advanced toys. This is in no way something I want to act out (for a variety of reasons), but I do find the idea hot.

I’ve imagined that I’ve been captured by some powerful man (who of course is secretly compassionate, intelligent, romantic, attractive, and has a sense of humor – totally unrealistic, I know). He has me outfitted with this very tech-savvy bra and panty set that serve double-duty as chastity devices and toys. Both would be stainless steel. The bra would be entirely smooth on the outside and locked, and designed in such a way that I would in no way be able to touch my nipples. Inside, there would be a part that held the nipple. It could clamp down, use suction, stimulate with electric current, and apply heat or cold. The other inner lining could get hot or cold, vibrate, and massage. The entire thing could be controlled wirelessly/via computer or with pre-programmed sensors. The panty part would be designed in a similar fashion with the same abilities, only it would also have vaginal and anal probes. There would be a removable piece for using the bathroom, although it would require permission to be removed.

When first outfitted with the device, it would be tested by bringing me to climax several times using different settings. Afterwards, the toys could be set to bring me to the edge of climaxing without pushing me over. I would then be kept in this device, brought repeatedly to the edge, until the man returned from work. I’d have a list of things to accomplish during the day, and if I hadn’t done so successfully, I’d be punished.

I’m sure the rest can be filled in by your own imagination. Mainly, I like the idea of having no control over the sensations being applied to my body, including no way to make them stop. I think it’s sexy that someone else would have the power to make me desperately want to climax. The trust implicit in such an arrangement appeals on a mental level, and the helplessness factor turns me on. Things like that do make me feel more dark and twisty, though, so I usually don’t originate my own fantasies in that realm but just read some form of nonconsensual erotic fiction once in a blue moon to satisfy that dark desire.

I’ve already written a few of my more involved fantasies out, which can be found here. I’ve also posted a bit on a few different themes that recur for me, see Fantasies.

Sweet Home Indiana

This is the week of invasive doctors: dentist, eye doctor, and OBGYN. Make it stop! Tomorrow I’ll get my first ever STD check up (exciting). The eye dr. was a traumatic experience. For some reason, things near my eyes freak me the f*ck out, and my eyes roll back in my head to avoid eyedrops, I can’t stop flinching, etc. Tears were involved. But – have no fear – by the end of the appointment, I’d had my eyes dilated, my pressure checked, and a new prescription in hand.

Whenever I’m home in Indiana, I do lots more of two things : shop and see movies. Seriously, I feel like that is all I’ve done for the past few days. I saw the Change Up (crude, crass, and not good) and Crazy Stupid Love (very good and highly recommended). I bought quite a bit of stuff, but most excitingly was the pair of oxford shoes I got today.

I am pretty excited for more new music. My friend is visiting and I’m ripping 30 of her CDs, and I burned her 18 from my music. It’s all free (!) which is awesome.

This same friend has been working at the Indiana State Fair as a vendor, and she was there when the stage collapsed (thankfully, in a different area of the fairgrounds). Sunday’s fair was canceled, so she and I have gotten to have a longer visit. I still can’t believe the stage collapsed at all; it’s horrifying. I’ve seen concerts there before and would never have thought it possible. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel comfortable near an outdoor stage again.

In other randoms, I started playing words with friends with someone I went to undergrad with. I had a huge crush on him back then, but while we flirted we never really developed into anything. Anyhow, he played “jute” during the game, and it just restarted lots of thoughts. I wonder now if he’s into kinky things. I really should have had more balls in college.

My “secretary” fantasy has returned, though. I STILL haven’t seen that stupid movie, even though I’ve owned it for close to a year now. I want to get a group of kinky folks together, have rope and bondage involved, and then watch the movie, maybe follow up with play or actual game night, either way. Or, similar situation, but one on one… I just want to watch it while bound and kind of tormented. I think it’d be appropriate and sexy as hell. Goal for the year: make this happen.

I am going through kink withdrawal. I really am craving rope and pain, preferably in some combination. This needs to be remedied, only I doubt it will be possible in the week I’m back in DC. Between orientation events, classes, and a friend in from Brazil, it’s going to be rather booked. Hopefully after September 8th there will be lots of things to make for it! I am in the process of being vetted for DXS Rapture, so perhaps I’ll go to that party in September. Although, I’m not entirely certain how much one needs to have a date/scene negotiated and figured out prior to attending the event, versus just attending, watching, and maybe making something happen once there. We shall see.

Nipple Torment Fantasy

Fantasizing about a sadistic lover tormenting my breasts and nipples just…*does* it for me. That’s what did it last night. I posted that link to a thread on fetlife a few days ago, and certain aspects just stuck in my mind. Begin fantasy here…


I imagined being bound spreadeagled to a cross type of furniture, gagged, entirely immobile and barely even able to struggle. The blindfold was left off so I could be further tormented by my Dom’s eyes…eye contact is always a struggle for me, and the embarrassment and surrender I feel when making eye contact with a Dom who has just the right evil glint in his eyes, the power he can communicate in that way, the amusement or arousal – anyhow, blindfold off.

It was my first time playing with said Dom, and he was ready to tease me – in words and actions. He gently caressed my body – his fingers moving just lightly enough to tickle and raise goosebumps on my flesh. He tweaked my nipples, than steadily pushed a bullet vibrator into my cunt. He didn’t turn it on yet, and he made certain that no part of the toy was touching my clit. He circled my clit widely, enough to make me shudder, but moved away directly after.

He then started manhandling my breasts while talking to me in a cocky, slightly amused voice that was husky with arousal. I imagined him saying something to the effect of “There are three things that get me off. One, playing with these tits in any way I please.”

He then spent several minutes fondling, groping, and squeezing my breasts – ignoring the nipples, just treating them literally like toys of his to play with. When I was squirming a bit in arousal, he moved on. He pinched both of my nipples simultaneously, hard enough for me to utter a muffled shriek through my gag. “Second, I love tormenting and torturing nipples.” He then spent at least 10 minutes just pinching, twisting, rubbing, rolling, nibbling, and biting my nipples until I was pulling against my restraints and moaning through the gag.

At this point, he switched on the vibrator to it’s lowest setting. With no clitoral stimulation, this just pushed the arousal a step further without pushing me over the edge. “Lastly, I love the type of suffering a submissive goes through as I tease her for hours…I’m a sadist not just for direct pain, but for the pain of teasing and denial.” He flicked my clit just lightly, and turned off the vibrator again as his fingers moved back up to my nipples. With the gleam in his eye, I knew the torment was just beginning.


Knowing that he had the control to not let me climax at all, that tormenting me and watching me suffer his sadistic delights was pleasing him, knowing that he was getting off on making me wait and squirm and beg for mercy…yeah, hot.

Not So Discrete…

I’ve always been very, very careful about how much information I share with my vanilla friends concerning my sex life and sexual interests. Being from Indiana, I’m used to bible-belt conservatives, close-minded-ness, and general prudish-ness. I was raised in the Catholic church, which screams “hide your horny!” Add to that my interests in working for the government and in/around politics, and it makes sense that I’ve been super-discreet.

When I moved to Pittsburgh, I wanted to get involved in the local scene because I knew I wouldn’t run into people from high school or my family (my sister attends IN kink events sometimes – I know this about her, she knows nothing about my desires).  For the first few months, I was too chicken to go to anything. After a handy-dandy road trip mixed with some Dan Savage, I found out that my closest friend here was open to kinky things.

Turns out, she was into the idea enough to attend an event with me, and I finally attended something and met other kinky people. Good times were had by all, and my desire to attend more things was inspired.

Anyhow, it’s been great being able to be open about this side of my personality. It was nice to be able to discuss my interests and men and what-not with a friend, being honest about the entire situation. In the two weeks it’s been, I’ve gotten used to the openness. I’ve also started to care marginally less about what my friends think about my kink interests. I mean, if they judge me for this, are they really my friends?

So, while I was hanging out with my friends over thanksgiving break, I didn’t hold back. I spilled my guts, and they were curious and not appalled. In fact, I learned (well, confirmed ideas I’d already had) that one friend is a Domme-leaning exhibitionist, one is into bondage and maybe pain but not control, and one is into bondage without pain but with the power exchange and teasing. AKA, everyone’s a little bit kinky, even my prudish Indiana friends. They even expressed interest in attending kink events, and want handcuffs for xmas!

Snippet of a Fantasy

I always have lots of different ideas and fantasies rolling through my head, but usually I’ll pick one and develop it.  I originally thought to write some full-out stories of some of my fantasies, but I get stuck on details and semantics. So for now, I’m just going to roughly describe something I’ve been overthinking.

Date Night

The scenario : some point in the beginning of a relationship. The Dominant is savvy with rope.

The couple is having a movie night for their date. The Dom decides to tie up the sub for the duration of the movie. At this point, it could go in several different ways (clothed, unclothed, etc.). I’ve been thinking most appropriate for a newer relationship, so I’m going to go with that description.

She would be instructed to remove her panties and bra, and would be wearing a thin tank top and leggings or tights (likely layers on top, but strip down to this). The Dom would choose to put on a body harness. The crotch rope would have handily placed knots, and her breasts would be bound tightly. Her arms would be bound in a box tie behind her back.

The Dom would sit on the ground against the sofa, and then place the sub between his legs on the floor. He’d drape her legs over his, so that he could control how widely spread they were. He’d have had her place a remote vibrator inside her leggings prior to binding her arms, and the vibe would be held in place by the crotch rope.  The Dom would insert a ball gag, to ensure silence during the movie. The vulnerability and intimacy of the position appeal; the possibility of drooling, the restraint and control of even her voice, and the closeness of the couple’s bodies when in this position create an ideal situation.

The Dom would put in the movie, likely a more risqué movie (on my mind has been the movie Secretary, namely because of the kinkiness, possibility of arousal, and because I haven’t seen it, but any number of movies would work). The Dom would take  a seemingly objectivizing approach, in that the sub would be his plaything for the duration of the movie. He would play with her as he desired, taking into account what pleases him without paying heed to her desire to cum.

He could tease and torment her bound breasts, which would be all the more sensitive from their bindings. He could play with the remote vibrator, increasing it when the movie got racy but taking sensation away when she started to squirm. He could threaten punishment if she squirmed or made noise that distracted from the movie – or he could bind her further to entirely cease her movement if needed.

When the movie ends, the evening could go a multitude of ways. If a more platonic/new relationship, they could talk with coffee and then the sub could be on her way.

Actually, had it been more platonic or new, the crotch rope and teasing of the breasts could have been torment enough (aka no vibrator at all).

If there was a more sexual understanding, the Dom could require the sub to get him off using only her mouth, keeping her on edge throughout. Maybe he’d let her cum after he did, or possibly he’d just leave her desperately wanting release.

No matter which way it went, it would be a tortuously fun date night for both involved.


Of course, a variation on this could be the same type of harness under clothes with teasing under a jacket at a movie theater, or in a drive-in movie situation. There could be other toys involved if the couple was more sexually involved. There could be themes on the movie, sort of like a drinking game but for teasing – spanks correspond with a certain recurring joke or a kiss corresponds with kissing in the movie, depending on the genre of movie.

Sometimes fantasies aren’t meant to be acted out, but this one has been nagging at the back of my mind since this summer.