I feel like my mind was violated in the most awful way. I’d say it was raped by the Devil…but that seems extreme. Last night I woke up at about 3:45 in a complete state of panic. If you’ve seen twilight 2, Bella has night terrors and screams bloody murder in her sleep. I used to make fun of that – I mean, really? Who screams like that in sleep? I woke myself up to that type of screaming in my dream. Apparently I hadn’t quite vocalized it yet, since my family didn’t come running in my room, but it was horrible. I was being suffocated – and I felt like I was going to die. My dream felt real. There were other aspects to the terror involving some bad childhood occurrences that I normally try not to think about. I don’t know wtf happened – I’ve never dealt with a nightmare like that in my entire life.
What’s worse, is that I desperately wanted and needed someone to talk me down, give me some warm and fuzzies. I was nauseous, my heart was racing, I had hot flashes – and I stayed that way for an hour, afraid to go back to sleep. I couldn’t talk to my mom or sister, who were both awake, because they were the source of the terror. Worse, I was deathly afraid that one of them would come in my room. Even this morning, being near my mom is giving me the shakes in fear.
I’ve never been good at asking for help, and I hate putting people out. So, I didn’t call anyone. Anyone I could think to call, I would be waking up, and they all had to work in the morning. No one was online, at least not that I could see from my phone. I just prayed and eventually fell asleep with a light on…normally I like it pitch black.
I need to figure out who I know that I could wake up without bothering them in the middle of the night if that ever happens again…and please God, I really hope it doesn’t.
If I’d had terrors like this when I was younger and crap actually was going on, maybe I would have told someone. But really, I’ve been able to manage it, so why cause trouble? But now, out of the blue, 12 years later, and I’m waking up to this crap. I don’t get it.