Tickling Article

Came across an article today called “Why can’t  you tickle yourself?” See: http://mentalfloss.com/article/55043/why-cant-you-tickle-yourself.

Thing is, I can tickle myself. Not in the same places or as effectively were it someone else doing the tickling, of course, but it is possible. Now I’m curious, why is it I can do that? Upon further thought, I think it’s more that my skin is especially sensitive, especially my lower back, and with the right touch it’s easy to stimulate so lightly so as to get me to laugh or squirm. The surprise isn’t there, and it’s not the giggling/screaming type of tickling, but it’s a form nonetheless.

I really wonder about other people’s experiences with this.

Adrift

Kink isn’t just part of my sexuality. It often enhances arousal and many aspects turn me on, but it is more than that – it is how I am who I am. I have difficulty expressing myself and allowing myself to feel emotions fully – kink helps me do those things in a healthier way.

When I am bound, I have no choice but to relax. I can’t escape, I can’t move on, I can’t go somewhere else – I have to exist where I am. My mind has to accept that I am where I am, and in that I can focus and my mind can let go.

When someone hurts me, it gives me the socially acceptably opportunity to react. People think I’m easy to read, that my reactions are obvious. And, to some extent, they are – I can’t lie well, my facial reactions to things are visible. I don’t often disclose what’s below the surface. I’m scared to show my real reactions to people. I monitor and control myself all the time, just in case, to keep the peace. I want all those around me to be at optimal happiness, and I’ll do my part to get them there. It’s hard, though, always being on point. Always worrying if I’ll react inappropriately. I joke about being awkward, that’s why – I’m worried I’m reacting inappropriately. When someone hurts me, reacting is appropriate, it’s expected. It’s allowable, even appreciated. I can relax, and I can let go.

Without these things, I’m less. I’m less vibrant, and less balanced. I get more run down. I get more jaded, sad, lonely.

Sometimes I wish I had other ways of coping. Sometimes I think back to times when I did, and I wonder if I was better off. I wonder if I should be focusing on therapy, or on religion. I wonder if I should be pouring my energy into certain self improvement projects to try to get these same emotions. At the end of the day, however, this is now what I’ve become relatively reliant on for staying balanced. Unfortunately, without it, I’m at a loss. I’m adrift and I need someone to toss me a line – literally and figuratively – to rein me back in.

Fetishes and Limits

Most recent edit: 4/17/12

I am a very adventurous and curious person. As a result, I usually want to try something at least once before ruling it out. That said, I have deeper fears and inhibitions about some things. I usually want to either see something done on someone else or try it on myself first before letting someone else do it. For now, I identify as a bottom. I find alpha, dominant men extremely attractive, but I do think it could be fun to occasionally switch it up and let myself get a little toppy. I sometimes have submissive tendencies, but I also am incredibly snarky, very independent, and a bit of a control freak.

The list below is ever-evolving. As I learn more and work through my own desires, things change. For now, this is where things stand.

Love:

  • pleasing my partner
  • physical domination, such as being pinned down or handled a bit more roughly. I enjoy feeling a man’s strength and power
  • hair pulling or any playing with my hair
  • rope bondage and shibari
  • knife play and wartenburg wheels – my skin is sensitive and I like playing with sensations
  • biting
  • breast and nipple play and pain, including clamps and the like
  • cuddling
  • teasing and sensual play
  • orgasm denial/control
  • begging
  • spanking, paddling, and strapping – these are preferred types of impact play

Like:

  • ball gags
  • vibrators and other toys
  • bondage in general, including handcuffs, straps, and other forms of restraints
  • tickling
  • flogging
  • blindfolds
  • being made to blush
  • riding crops
  • corsets
  • canes*
  • single-tail whips*

*Canes and single-tail whips are a stingier pain that is not as enjoyable for me. I can and will play with them, but mainly just if I really need an emotional release (they can make me cry more quickly) or if I’m really looking to push my own pain threshold or boundary. Play with these two toys is more cathartic than sexual.

Limited experience with (tried once or twice at most) and would like to try more:

  • collars
  • talking dirty
  • pressure points
  • suspension by rope bondage
  • violet wands
  • tens unit
  • take-down play/struggling and wrestling
  • covert bondage
  • forced eye contact
  • choking (not choking out, but a hand around the throat that is occasionally so tight that I fight back or struggle a little is hot)

Haven’t tried but would like to:

  • remote control devices
  • candle wax
  • cupping (or other suction toys)
  • fireplay, fire cupping, fire floggers
  • ring gags
  • switching

Unsure of (things that need more trust or discussion, that have more fear attached, kind of like “soft” limits):

  • masks
  • rubber, latex, pvc, and other intensely restrictive clothing
  • fisting
  • breath play other than choking
  • figging
  • cages
  • mild objectification
  • needles
  • cutting*
*I’ve tried cutting and I enjoyed the scene. That said, I have not hit a point where I’m comfortable being “into” cutting. It is a level of edge play and self-harm that bothers me on an intellectual and mental level even while I can enjoy it and find release in it.
Greatly opposed to (hard limits that are *maybe* negotiable someday with deep, extreme trust but for now are hell no):
  • gas masks
  • hoods
  • enemas
  • puppy play, kitten play (animal food is a non-negotiable aspect of this)
  • serving as furniture
  • face slapping
  • stun guns, cattle prods, and tasers

Won’t do (hard, non-negotiable limits):

  • polyamory in a long term relationship…aka I’m not into the equivalent of two husbands or my future husband having a serious girlfriend, but I’d be open to casually playing with others while in a long term relationship, depending on the communication/people involved.
  • gun play
  • age play (and diapers)
  • cuckolding
  • watersports
  • scat
  • permanent markings
  • pony play
  • extreme objectification
  • animals
  • children
  • abandonment
  • hypnosis (in the sense of losing conscious choice)
  • insects, creepy crawlies, and living things
  • cutting my hair or other radical appearance changes


Life is a mystery

Finally recovered from strep throat (as in, done with the 10 days of antibiotics, yay!). Now my boss is out recovering from surgery from appendicitis… Basically, we’re all falling apart.

Work is going very, very well. I’m proving myself rather quickly due to my excel skills, which is nice. I enjoy it a lot, although some days (like today) it gets a bit tedious, there’s not enough data, and people are a tad to0 introverted for my liking. I do like the independence the job offers, though, and usually there are pretty frequent interactions within teams, which keeps it interesting. I also greatly appreciate that keeping up on news and trainings is part of my job.

I had a freak out about hours and payroll last week, but it’s all resolved and good to go now. 31 hours/week…but I get paid soon! It’s going to be the biggest paycheck I’ve ever had. Being a grown up is nice.

I also got to feel kind of bad-ass this weekend. We had the first years from our program in town for this networking event and several workshops. I moderated a panel, got to catch up with some Pittsburgh friends, and then got asked a bunch of Qs on my job by the newbies. It was fun, because everyone really respects the agency I work at, and because I fully support the mission and love the job (and our curriculum matches it SO well, plus the subject matter can vary as long as the skills are there) I basically sold a ton of people on trying to work there. I’m a good recruiter…I might have to volunteer to do that once I graduate.

I attended Rapture, which was also a really good experience. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t subject to uncomfortable scenes and a giant orgy. Sure, people had sexual interactions, but it was rather contained. The way the place is arranged it is easy to socialize without focusing on the kinky scenes, but if you want to participate or watch there is ample opportunity. I don’t know how the organizers managed to find such great balance, but I fully appreciated it.

I was suspended for the first time, which was surprisingly easy and really fun. It really only took one rope and some knots I know, a quick pull, and BAM up in the air. It can get a little painful depending on how the weight is distributed and where the tension is, but luckily I don’t mind a bit of that :). I’m not afraid of it anymore, so that was a good accomplishment.

On an entirely separate note, my college roommate’s mom died this past Thursday. I mentioned this summer we found out she had a brain tumor, but we thought she still had several months to a year (or longer, if a miracle occurred) left. I was caught by surprise. The worst part is not being able to manage tickets and time to attend the funeral. I hate being 10 hours away from my friend, I want to be by her side, giving her hugs, helping her cope. I’m hoping she’ll be ready to talk soon and I can be there for her in that way.

Things also just sort of picked up and started flying by at an incredible pace. I have one class just 3 more times, I have my schedule planned out more than a week in advance (wtf, right?), there’s too many things and people and not enough time. I’m loving things, so that’s great, I’m just going to need a crash day soon.

I’m not sure if it’s being busy, being nervous/sick, being increasingly active, or just my general efforts, but all of my clothes are too big, except the off piece that I manage to shrink in the wash. I need to go shopping soon. I also lack fetish and kink attire, and it’d be nice not to wonder for an hour about what to wear to one of these events. Plus, since fall is approaching, I – like every other female – really am craving a nice pair of boots.

I also am very, very curious if a few folks I know from the professional/vanilla world know about my “secret life.” It kind of seems they do, or at least suspect things…but I don’t want to bring it up if they don’t already know. I also really want to know their thoughts on the subject. We’ll see how this proceeds.

Yes, this post is made of randomness…but that’s kind of how my life is right now, and I’m lacking the time to really organize my thoughts.

Other things I’d like to research and learn more about: humiliation (which is still one of the most controversial D/s subjects to me, it’s a source of endless curiosity) and protocols. I’m still reading up on pain and monogamy/poly, as always, but they’re a little less at the forefront at the moment.

Birthday Day!

I’m 23 today… exciting stuff. Yay birthday!

I got a super sweet card from a bunch of my friends, a wonderful lunch, and lots of “Happy Birthdays.”  We’re going to go out to celebrate in style on Friday night, as well. I love that my friends here are so genuine and caring. <3.

Then, I went to the TNG Munch tonight for the first time. At first I was withdrawn, as I always am in new groups, but I got to talking to people and it was good. It was a little weird at one point for me since someone else brought cake for her birthday, which was sad since no one knew it was mine…but then the woman I was talking to tattled to other people and everyone sung to me. Humiliating, but sweet. Of course, that led to birthday spanks and hugs…which surprisingly broke the ice for me in a good way.

Now it’s just time to get a real birthday spanking, one that actually hurts :).

In other news, positive birthday event – new vibrating toy arriving in the mail.

What I’m Seeking: Revised

So, I’ve yet to find a kinky thing that I don’t enjoy. I’ve found a few that I’m more frightened of (namely, breath play and gags with lots of straps), but that’s it. I don’t in any way mean this as a challenge, but it is amusing to me.

I’ve determined that what would be ideal “relationship”-wise for me right now would be a mentor. If I could find a Dom who would be willing to sign on as a teacher/mentor, and be sort of a cross between guide and play partner, that’d be perfect.  AKA: Respect, trust, humor, and some attraction and/or comfort mixed with play, while still lower on the commitment scale. I am still very much new to this environment, and I’d like to explore implements, scenarios, pain, etc. with a trusted partner, preferably one who could teach me and help me grow/learn.

I’m a great student (it’s my life right now). I’m also loyal, eager to please, open minded, masochistic, and quick to smile/laugh. It’s easy to make me squirm and blush. I can be slow to vocalize, but give me some open space and I’ll have at it. Anyhow, in terms of what I’m *actively* seeking, this is it. More than this would take a pretty special person and connection.