Currently, my label on Fetlife reads “submissive.” I chose this label because a Dominant as a partner would be most likely to meet the majority of my needs. The reality, however, is that a variety of labels suit me depending on the time, place, and people involved. I don’t want a potential play partner or romantic interest to rule themselves out because of my label, hence this post. At the end of the day, I am who I am, and I could not care less about labels. Thing is, marketing is important in terms of addressing the right audiences. So, here goes.
Kink Labels, Roles, and Identities:
My primary role is submissive. You wouldn’t know it at first – I’m in no way the type to kneel down to everyone. I don’t call all Dominants “Sir” or “Ma’am.” I don’t submit during casual play. I’m very opinionated, independent, ambitious, energetic, and snarky. All that enthusiasm and passion goes towards pleasing my partner when I’m submitting to someone (with a side of humor), but it can be a bit intense at first. It takes someone with their shit together who is confident and unafraid of their own power for me to submit. I react strongly to powerful people. When I acknowledge someone’s authority over me, I surrender to it wholeheartedly. It’s just that because that level of vulnerability, intimacy, and devotion is such an intense thing, I don’t do so casually. I need to have a solid relationship foundation first. I’m currently seeking a Dominant man, preferably mostly monogamous, for a long term relationship. I’m not interested in full 24/7 D/s, but more of a bedroom-certain activities type of thing. I’m new to this, and have much room for growth.
My primary need is my masochism. I both love and hate this part of myself – I have a mixture of pride, shame, fear, lust, and excitement that all kind of go with it. At the end of the day, though, it’s an elemental part of who I am. Pain is a fantastic emotional release for me. It’s cathartic. When I’m stressed, pain forces me to be in the moment and relax enough to embrace it. With the right partner, pain is also pure pleasure for me. I can get off purely on pain sometimes. My biggest kinks relate back to my masochism (teasing and denial, nipple torture, covert bondage/teasing). I have a high pain tolerance, and I enjoy – need – to push those limits. It’s extremely difficult for me to find sadists to play with, which is frustrating. I need more than service tops pleasing me with pain; I need to know that the person administering the pain is getting off on giving it. I don’t want them to just hurt me until I cum – I want them to stop only if and when they want to, unless I safeword. I want my desire to please to be manipulated so I can take more. I want them to want me to suffer for them, and I want to endure for them. I’m seeking a Sadist who can push my limits to whom I’m sexually attracted and emotionally connected.
My primary fetish is rope bondage. I enjoy all bondage as a bottom (and am alway up for some time in chains/straps/cuffs), but rope is the big fetish. With rope, I switch. I enjoy tying and tying others. I enjoy rope for fun, for sex, or for restraint. I enjoy rope by itself – I’ll sleep with it sometimes. I enjoy the feel of it on my skin and the sensuality of it, the smell. I enjoy the possibilities, the stretching of muscles and testing of my flexibility. I like using it for leverage to grapple. I enjoy the options – you can be tied to anything! I love it, I get off on it, and I find peace in it. I’m always seeking more people to tie me up or to practice on, whether just for fun, for practice, or for a more elaborate scene.
My recreational kinky hobby is letting my inner sadist play. I like to play, to tease, and to have fun. I enjoy flogging others and sensory play. I like messing with knives, tickling, my nails, and wartenburg wheels. I like wrestling and winning, then taking advantage. I’m learning – I’m VERY new to topping – but I get a lot of giggly glee from messing with my friends. I have to really trust someone’s communicative abilities to do any of this, though. Most frequently, topping for me is a service thing or just for fun, I’m not into creating a really intense, fearful, surprising, creative scene…at least not right now. I’m not really seeking anything with this, but rather catch me in the right mood and I’ll give it a go.
My primary sexual identity is heteroflexible (code: mostly straight). There’s some flexibility there, but it’s selective. For the most part, I’m interested in forming romantic relationships with men, and I’m interested in sex with men. For kink, though, it’s a bit different. I’m only comfortable with above-the-waist sexual play with females, and I’m very new to it. It’s rare, but when I’m feeling it with someone I’m willing to go with it. I do enjoy scening with woman however, assuming a certain dynamic with them and mental connection. I find the tender, giggly sadism that woman tend to have very appealing.
Important Notes for Play:
- I don’t do pick-up play well…I find the idea of being one of a long list of appointments in an evening very distasteful. I prefer to play with friends, and make arrangements to play with them. I make exceptions if there’s a strong initial attraction, if I’m experimenting with something new with an expert, if I’m demo-ing, or if we have mutual friends who really recommend it. It comes down to attitude; when I “scene” with someone (not random experimentation, but an actual scene), I focus 100% on them, and I want the same in return. I don’t want to hear about other play dates scheduled and I don’t want to feel rushed. I want interruptions minimal and ignored as much as possible. I need to trust my partner, be comfortable with them, and not feel overly awkward (nerves are ok). I need to have a strong mental connection and some form of attraction, whether it be physical, intellectual, or something else. Point of this tangent – if you ask to play, I may put you off because of the above. It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not interested, but it may be too soon, the mood might not be right, or I may just not be comfortable with the particular location.
- Added to that, I don’t do sex in public, and I don’t do scenes where my sexual pleasure is the focus unless we are regular play partners. There are certain private play parties where this may vary, but that’s the exception not the rule. Don’t pull out vibrators for a scene in public – let me suggest them if I want them. Sexual touching without discussing it first makes me uncomfortable. Scening does not mean I’ve given you permission to mess with my nipples or genitals.
- Lastly, public humiliation and degradation aren’t my kinks. I like teasing and being flustered, I don’t like being made to feel worthless. I don’t like being condescended to. Face slapping, feet stepping on my face, crawling, bizarre/attention-drawing toys, writing on me, name-calling (other than ‘slut for me’ or ‘my slut’) – all are no. In a relationship, in private, they aren’t necessarily limits…but otherwise, no. It’s safer to ask before doing anything along these lines.
It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m incredibly tired.
One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.
In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up. It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.
Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.
Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).
In a collection of randoms…
- I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
- I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
- The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
- Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – http://www.minnalife.com/?gclid=COfmm5zpra4CFacQNAodxkzmQw. It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
- My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.
I’m home in Indiana for a few weeks…it was the first time I’ve flown home for a short visit rather than drive. I’m so far away! It was bizarre doing laundry before going home, packing a small bag rather than a carful, etc. My flights all had issues and it took me forever to get home, but it is nice to be here.
Fast update on last several days:
- I have no cavities! I love a good dentist appointment. One of my teeth is still ever so slightly crooked, though, and might require invisiline or a retainer later in life. I also apparently have been grinding my teeth in my sleep, so time for a mouthguard. But, I still get to keep my wisdom teeth, which is nice.
- I went down a dress size. This proved a great excuse to return a too-formal dress my mom bought me in exchange for two fabulous work-appropriate dresses. Win.
- I didn’t make it to rope camp… I stayed out forever and a day Friday, and overslept on Saturday which resulted in missing the classes. I didn’t really want to go just for play, and then it rained, so that was sort of a massive fail.
- I went to church for a second time. I still love the people, I love the music, but I can’t wrap my mind around some of the message. I’m just not positive to what extent I’m a Christian, or how much I believe in anything the Pastor says.
- With that, I really don’t take well to being preached to. I always question someone’s background or knowledge.
- My mom has officially lost 100 lbs, putting her down to 280. I’m so proud of her! My dad also recently started a diet…I’m happy they’re both being healthier.
- I finished my summer internship with a bang. I got an award from the Under-Secretary in charge of my office for my work on a particular project, and I got a serious request to “consider us and stay in touch if you want a job in the spring.” Yes, please! I like options.
One of my best friends from college just found her mom has a stage 4 cancerous brain tumor. This is literally out of nowhere – she wasn’t ill at all. It has been entirely asymptomatic. Now, she has 6-18 months to live, with treatment. Her motor skills are already failing her. I feel very helpless in the worst sort of way, since she is now 10 hours away and there isn’t anything I can really do. Her mom was the core of her family, and was her best friend. It’s truly an awful situation. Things like that really make you realize that you can’t take things for granted at all.
I went to my first DC-area munch yesterday. I chose to go to the college park kinklings group, because I figured it’d be a younger, newer, smaller crowd so slightly less intimidating. I was able to drag one of my roommates and her friend along, so that helped a lot in terms of how awkward I felt. The event went really well – the folks were nice and welcoming. I’m hoping this will be my gateway to other DC kink things.
I’m seriously considering buying tickets to FetFest for labor day weekend. I need to figure out sleeping arrangements, though. I’m going to feel it out for now. I’d love to go to Woodstocks, but it’s the weekend after I’ll be in Pittsburgh for a friend’s birthday, and that is a LOT of driving in one week.
Tie me, bind me, entice me with your bondage. Capture me, restrain me, seduce me with your rope.
Can you tell what is on my mind?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want, what I’m seeking long term, and how my reality measures up to that. I’ve been struggling with casual v. serious, and what things I’m willing to do outside of a committed relationship. I don’t want to make decisions that make me question who I am or what I stand for.
I think it is possible to play outside of a relationship without it being a negative thing, but it is still a fine line for me. Play inspires certain feelings in me, and that tends to intensify my trust, respect, admiration, and attraction to the person I’m playing with (unless it goes poorly, in which case replace those words with their antonyms). I have to be careful not to get overly attached to those who are not romantically interested in me. As a result, I’m trying to be slightly more aware of my surroundings. It isn’t easy.
In the meantime, I’m going to go to the rope bite meeting tomorrow night. It will be held at a private residence, which is sort of nerve-wracking for me, but it isn’t too far from my house so I figured I can make it out. It gives me a deadline to stop studying, too, which is probably a good thing. Plus, I am really, really craving rope.
I’ve mentioned before I like strict rope bondage. I’m pretty flexible, and I want to be entirely helpless, completely unable to move. Hell, I can just stay that way peacefully by myself for a bit and be in a good place, I don’t even need to anything else to happen. Of course, pain, teasing, etc. is all fun, but right now I’m really just wanting the rope above and beyond anything else.
I was thinking last night of different bondage positions that are intriguing. This photo particularly caught my eye: http://fetlife.com/users/143295/pictures/2314927. If you scan to the previous photo, you can see the multi-colored rope. I love the artistry of the photo.
I’d love something similar, only with less leverage (shorter distance from ankles to wrists). Moreover, I think it’d be especially fun with harsher/more restrictive bondage around the chest area. What can I say, good chest harnesses just really emphasize the helpless factor to me.
Thing is, I crave the entire experience. The smell of the hemp or jute, the rough but worn feel as it caresses my skin almost as an afterthought, moving slowly around as a tie is wrapped or completed. The slight strain in my shoulders as a hogtie is pulled tighter and tighter until it is just tight enough that I can barely squirm. The swelling of my chest, and the rasping of carpet against my increasingly sensitive skin… I want all of it. Clothed, unclothed. Sexual, asexual.
It seems bizarre, sometimes, to crave something like that. It isn’t a dessert, or a song that gets stuck in my head. It’s the feeling of letting go that I want to capture. I appreciate not having to worry about my fidgeting or my restlessness – it puts me at peace. It isn’t the same as serving, and getting the pleasure of pleasing my Dom, but there are some elements of being the proper canvass for the person I’m playing with that appeal.
In another sense, I’d almost be better off as a rope top myself. I know many ties, I appreciate the artistry of it, and it is kind of like a puzzle. I also can be pretty inventive in positioning. That said, outside the artistic factor, I have no desire to have someone at my mercy (excepting certain circumstances where I sexually would have my way with my partner, but those are few and far between).
So, where to begin? Have I mentioned time is FLYING by? I mean, seriously, I move in less than a month. This is an unintentionally long post, since it’s been a while and a lot is going on. I like to process in this blog, and this helps me reflect on things as time passes. I guess that’s just like another disclaimer that I write this for me and not anyone else, so if it is tedious that is why.
Some randoms: we were able to switch our lease so that we don’t have to pay rent until May 5, which is awesome :). I aced my management science midterm. I cleaned my apartment (which was very necessary). It was CMU’s carnival this weekend and I got to go on lots of fun midway rides.
The big thing I did this weekend = GrUE Pitt. This was my first ever kink conference, or educational kink experience. I really had NO IDEA what to expect. I actually volunteered my apartment for a girl who came in from DC – I figured it’d be helpful to meet someone in the DC scene for when I move, she’s my age, and I also figured if I were traveling I’d love a free space to crash. I had a moment or two when I questioned my decision, since I really had no idea who this person was, but it ended up a good decision as she was super nice and friendly.
The (un)conference was on Saturday. First off, I really enjoy the idea of an unconference, kink or no-kink. I think it greatly contributes to a creative vibe. I was able to attend a lot of interesting presentations. I went to one on pressure points, one on suspension, a roundtable on humiliation, a conversation on interrogation, and one on rough body play. Beyond some talk at munches, I’ve never really gotten to talk about my kink before, and I really appreciated the opportunity to do so. More than anything, I appreciated the chance to listen to others.
I was a bit worried at first that as a submissive and as a single person I wouldn’t get much out of this experience, or I’d be out of place. That was entirely wrong. People in Pittsburgh are so incredible, and I felt very welcomed. I was able to really just be myself all day, and it finally got to the point where I feel like some members of the community are good friends rather than intimidating strangers. I was also able to hear different perspectives on things I’ve been struggling to understand. Hearing people talk about and be accepting of their own masochism or desires to humiliate/be humiliated is totally different than reading it on a Fetlife discussion board.
For me, as I’ve mentioned before (I believe), humiliation is such a complex issue. I find the feeling of being flustered very erotic, but degradation makes me want to hurl and cry. Some humiliation, like mild objectification, fall in between. I worry a little about what I’d be willing to do in the name of pleasing and serving my Dom, but then how I’d feel about it afterward. I also struggle with the concept that a Dom could humiliate me and yet still respect me. Hearing Dominant folk talk about it from their end, about how it is about identifying it as a select moment in time, only doing it once in a great while, the trust involved, and the aftercare necessary kind of built my faith in myself and the potential for such play. I think that it is something I need to wait on, at least until I find the right person, but there is potential. As an aside, it’s almost comical how easily embarrassed I am – I was embarrassed/blushing just talking about humiliation. Ironic, really.
Pressure points was an awesome demo as well. It’s crazy how pushing one simple spot causes so much pain. Since I like pain, this is good. It’s an easy way for a Dom to gain the upper hand.
Another thing I learned throughout the day is that limits are ever changing, need to be discussed, and are never an end-all. A discussion on limits should not be the only discussion; more importantly, one should talk about uncertainties, desires, and fears. Also, a Dom should make certain to test the waters before introducing something entirely off the wall, because sometimes a sub doesn’t realize something is a possibility and thus doesn’t acknowledge it as a limit. IE : cutting my hair, burning off my eyebrows, insects, etc.
After the unConference part, there was play time. I was able to play with some coconut rope, which was awesome. I watched a man and a woman grapple for 2 hours nonstop, which was wicked crazy and kind of frightening; I’m not big on violence (again, ironic I know). I felt some fireplay in my hand, quickly, but still cool. I also met another man in the DC scene who explained a bit about different events, which was nice.
After that play, there was another party with even MORE play (yay!). I loved being able to hang out with people in such a relaxed environment. House parties are so much more my comfort zone than bars. I was actually able to ask for what I wanted (with the reassurance of a friend first) and got a nice flogging. I probably could have taken more, but the dynamic was a bit different since there were people watching and it was someone else’s Dom. I guess I kind of felt like he was doing me a favor, so I didn’t want to make him go on for too long (my pain tolerance is high), so when it got pretty painful I stopped it rather than pushing through. I feel guilty sometimes because I sense that Doms expect a sub to go into space or make lots of noise really quickly, and it takes longer for me. I don’t want them to do more just for me. I think because I asked, rather than was offered, I also felt a little like it was being done for me rather than for him, which reinforced the guilt thing. I don’t know, that was odd, but despite that the flogging was awesome and settled me down quite a bit. Pain is yet another way to focus me.
I then was able to talk to a Dom who does a lot with electricity and rope. I got my own personal mini-demo on violet wands (which are really freaking cool), and I got to be tied up in a nice, tight chest harness. A lot of times rope isn’t done prettily, or that tight, and I love it tight, pretty, and entirely constraining. This wasn’t constraining, but I’ll take what I can get. I wore the harness all night actually, and had to cut it off in the morning. It was just cheap nylon, but I still hated cutting it off. I would have worn it for days if I could hide it.
I had a rough time for a little bit in the day struggling with wanting to play and who to ask, working up the nerve to ask, etc. I was able to get past that a bit by the end of the night, but it was still a little difficult. In general, I’ve been feeling my lack of a Dom and of a boyfriend these days. Two of my closest friends just started dating guys seriously, and while I am genuinely, utterly happy for them, it still reinforces my own single-dom. It’d be super nice to end a kinky evening with hot sex and cuddling, you know? It isn’t something I’m crying over, but there are occasional twinges.
Sunday there were free pancakes, which were delicious. Then I went to see the Disney concert at the Pittsburgh symphony, which was good. Today I saw the movie Soul Surfer, and it just motivated me. If a girl can have her arm chomped off by a shark and immediately compete in surfing championships (and place), I can conquer my workload and get my shit together.