November Arrives

Welcome to Fall, officially! Daylight savings time still throws me, having spent a good deal of life in a state that didn’t follow it. I like light in the mornings, but I miss light in the evenings. Such is life.

I welcomed fall with a party with many of my good friends.  I mixed several different friend groups, which worked surprisingly well. We baked lots of goodies – I now have a fabulous recipe for both deviled eggs and spinach dip – and drank lots of alcohol. I haven’t danced and had that much fun in a while. It was really great to see so many people I care about in one place. I forget sometimes, in my hatred of groups, that the point of parties is to see all the people you like in one place. I may need to have parties more frequently…

I had a couple of friends really show me how much they care. I was in some awkward situations romantically, and they sort of saved the day.

I’ve talked a lot to friends this week about some difficult dating situations. It’s hard. I want to find love and a partner to share my life with. I feel ready for that. At the same time, being single is better than settling. I need to feel excited to share my life with my partner, not worrisome.

Moreover, while D/s appeals and is of interest to me, I’m still working out how to build trust to have such a relationship. Fundamentally, I still want someone to be a partner in life with, to respect me and cherish me as I am. I am ok with sexual manipulation, but I don’t want someone to mind fuck me in everyday life. I don’t want someone to manipulate me into being codependent or surrendering control. I want open, honest communication, and as I care more about you and trust you more, as I submit to you more, my need and desire to please you will naturally increase. It doesn’t need to be manipulated further.

The problem is, if you’re unclear or vague in order to get me to need or think about you more, than I’m left unsure. Yes, I may think about you more, but it isn’t in a positive way. I want my partner to inspire and motivate me to be the best version of myself (and I the same to him), and if I’m constantly questioning your level of desire, affection, happiness, I can’t do that. Insecurity is not my best self. Make me secure, be open, and then I’ll think about you all the time in happy ways. I’ll want to go out of my way to make you happy.

On a totally separate note, I’m debating trying to participate in NaNoWriMo. I wouldn’t commit to 30,000 words, but I really want to write a new story, maybe more than one. The question really just goes back to what level of character development I want, how much romance v. kink, and are there are new themes I can bring into my writing?

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DO:Fusion 2013

It’s taken a while for me to really want to write about this, partially because it wasn’t the most eventful of weekends kink-wise.

The weekend overall was good. I spent a lot of time at the Primal Fires, which was really cool. I enjoyed the drumming, fire spinners/dancers, and massive bonfires. I am not pagan, but I do connect to myself more in that type of situation. I also attended some of the scheduled programming, in that I went to the perv pride parade, the bare! stories event, and the burlesque show. All were enjoyable. I really liked the stories part – I love hearing about other people’s experiences. I joke, but seriously, sometimes I can be a nosy bitch.

Other milder things – I hosted an ion for board games that got a great turnout. I also did a bunch of sparklers, roasted some marshmallows, and hung out with great friends, all of which was amazing.

I had a sort of strange/disconcerting experience with play. I only played once over the weekend, with someone I’ve played with before. Some caveats: I hadn’t played since March (so 3 months), and I’ve never played fully to the point of sobbing. I’ve teared up a couple of times. I cried real tears twice, both from a singletail after just a few minutes, not from hard pushing or lengthy beatings, never from impact play. I’d also eaten only about 30 minutes prior to our scene.

I didn’t intend initially for this to be a rough scene, so I didn’t line up any friends for extra cuddles. I didn’t want to put anyone out either, especially since everyone seemed to have plans and things going on. As my prior posts indicate, I’d been in a weird space leading up to the event, and after discussing it, the Top said he’d be down pushing me to tears. I really needed to release some emotion, so I was up for it. We had a very intense (for me, at least) scene, where he was doing very heavy impact play – think paddles, spanking, punching, and crowbar. I broke down into sobs, all was well.

I’ve never needed much aftercare with him before, so we didn’t do much, and then off we went to walk around and hang out. I began feeling more and more out of it, dropping from the play. I tried to meet up with a friend to lend her support, and the pain kicked in hardcore as the adrenaline wore off. I tried to get back to our campsite, and stumbled up a hill. I somehow made it to the DXS campsite, where some friends helped up my bloodsugar and walk me back to my campsite. I got very ill en route, and passed out pretty quickly.

Lessons learned – don’t eat so near to a scene, and discuss lengthier aftercare up front.

Reality of this, though, is that I don’t want to impose on my friends for aftercare. It makes me feel pitiful, and discarded by the person I played with. I want aftercare with the person inflicting the pain. The only exception to this is when that person is part of a couple and I’m friends with them both, in which case either person works for aftercare. Otherwise, if someone can make me so vulnerable and expect so much trust, then I deserve the same in return. If they can break it, they can fix it. If someone doesn’t want to share that intimacy, I don’t want to share play.

There are people who can do that casually, as in outside of a relationship. Unfortunately, that’s hard to find. Frequently, either myself or the other person gets emotionally attached outside of the kink, and one of us doesn’t reciprocate.

So, for now, I’m being much more hesitant about play. Rope is fine, since it’s a bit more tame. A light flogging, sure, why not. Anything remotely pushing limits – I need something more. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to make that happen sooner rather than later.

I’ve been so stretched for time, I haven’t blogged in a month. I haven’t kept up with my positivity journal, or processed anything, and it stresses me out even further. It’s not a great place to be in, mentally.

Things have been crazy. I was out of town for a week on vacation. I’ve been home for 18 days, and I only spent 3 of those nights at home/by myself. Seriously. Between different groups of friends and a new dating prospect, there has been NO TIME. Two of those nights I was home were spent building furniture. I’ve wracked up about $2500 in debt this month alone from furniture-purchasing.

To add to my general state of stress, I’m going to the frontlines again for work for two weeks, leaving this weekend. Preparing mentally, packing, and getting things prepped at work hasn’t been easy.

If that wasn’t enough, I had to move rooms before leaving, which meant painting one room, repainting another, and a variety of random home improvement things. I’m still bummed because I didn’t have a chance to go through my stuff as I moved it (I wanted to purge unused things), but at least it’s moved and it looks good.

Further, my sister has been hospitalized 4 separate times within the last month (mental hospitalization). She’s been brought by cops each time. Two times, drugs stronger than weed have been involved. She’s officially bipolar manic depressive with psychotic episodes, and she doesn’t take her meds. She was evicted, and her fiance is apparently on the edge of breaking up with her. My mom is about to lose her shit because of all the stress. It sucks. The phone calls bringing up my past and spewing emotions and insanity whilst threatening visits aren’t helping either.

I have so much to process and think about, especially to try to recount positive memories as of late. There have been some. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been a panic-ridden mess lately to most people in my life. I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My to-do lists seem never-ending, and I just haven’t had the time I need to decompress.

I’ve been sort of seeing someone; it’s casual, but we’ve gone out 7 times. I have fun when we’re together, despite the fact that there are tiny things that don’t appeal to me. I’ve been more attracted to others, and it’d be great if he were a more decisive, gentlemanly type…but he treats me well and is open-minded. He’s much less experienced than anyone I’ve ever been with, and more religious. I do like him. I feel like crap though because the last three times we’ve hung out, we haven’t gone very far sexually. (There have definitely been times when we were there, though, so it seems extra weird to have done things and then not do them.)  Tonight, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go enough to enjoy myself. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t process. He seemed really ok with it, listened, cuddled for a hot minute, and talked as if he’d still be in touch/interested in hanging out/understood…but I feel bad. I feel like a tease. I don’t want him to lose interest because of it, but I don’t want to do things I’m not in the mood for either. Then, of course, as he was leaving I was able to relax a bit more and sort of get into it…but then it’s too late.

In times like this, I need a man who will pin me down, look in my eyes, and command me to focus on the moment and him. Then, he can slowly kiss and caress me and I’ll get into it and relax and we can all be good. He can use pain to draw me to the moment if I start to drift away mentally. This is where kink helps me relax into things. I’m so out of control right now that I’m worrying about everything. We’re making out, and I’m still thinking – about what may happen, how he’s doing, if my roommate will hear, etc. He takes the initiative to get pinchey/bitey, which is awesome, but I need someone to assert and take control of the situation in a way that leaves me no choice, otherwise I still worry and feel like I should be controlling things. Feeling like I should be in control when I’m so incapable of being so at this moment makes me worry and not relax. Ugh. How do I explain that? Do I? I guess I should, should we see each other again, that way he can try to do it…he’s been open to trying things before. But then, part of me just wishes I could find the right Dominant man who would just *be* that way.

Updating for Spring

Things have been strange lately.

First, family is a bit nuts. I’m going on vacation with my parents in a little under a month, and I’m looking forward to that quite a bit. I’ll get to see the grand canyon (and go on the skywalk), see some shows, gamble a little, and see family, which is most important. It’ll be nice to take a break from work for a while too. My sister is doing marginally better. She was involuntarily committed for 72 hours, diagnosed as bipolar manic depressive (like my mother), and is now back home with her fiance. She’s medicated, but still suffering from a lot of anxiety. It’s hard, because I want to communicate that I care without upsetting her in any way, and without face-to-face contact that’s difficult. She sounds much, much better though – she sounds like herself again, which I’m very thankful for. I was scared and worried before because I’d never heard her anything like that before.

Second, work has drastically changed. The environment is generally different, which is really nice. I trust our upper management now. My direct supervisor is invested in our project, incredibly competent, and he actually manages – meaning I get to focus on doing my job and doing it well, and that’s it. I actually have things I can learn from this man, and I’m motivated to do my best and work hard to impress him and contribute to an ultimately better product. My peers and myself have been interacting more – lunches together, random socializing to take a break, etc. which makes it much more fun to be at the office. I got a dry erase board in my cube (yay!). On the other hand, my old upper level boss quit, meaning it’s just me and incompetent supervisor left to handle getting our old project done. Meaning it’s just me, which is difficult and stressful. Hopefully we’ll get it out the door soon, because working on it has been giving me an eye twitch.

Third, friends are generally good. I’ve gotten to maintain my important friendships and see people a lot. I’ve been doing weekly game nights with two of my friends from college, and I adore that. We play Kingdom Builders, Dominion, Settlers of Catan, etc. and potluck dinner. It’s one of the only routine things I do, and my life is better for it. Plus, it lets us do random goof-off things like slinky challenges and spontaneous photo shoots. I have been trying to keep up with some grad school friends and kink friends through a variety of things, usually involving brunch and happy hours. I’m still failing at the whole staying home more thing, but I’m doing better with budgeting and staying on top of errands.

Fourth, kink and dating are progressing along. I’m having some issues remedying my personal beliefs and interests with some of my kinkier habits, and I’m not sure where I’m at on that. I’ll post on it at some point, but I need to think it through more. On the general side, I’m just less inclined towards things. I like my kinky friends, and I like hanging out with them. I like doing kinky things with treasured friends and/or lovers. I don’t, however, much enjoy play-oriented events anymore. I don’t like the egocentric, conceited attitude people have. I don’t like how something intimate and potentially shattering is reduced to being a notch on someone’s bedpost. More and more, I walk away from play-oriented events feeling less happy, less satisfied, and experiencing an odd combination of ennuie, disillusionment, and longing. Basically, while I enjoy play in certain non-relationship environments (when it’s just a few friends at someone’s house, or with a very good friend), I don’t like it casually otherwise – I’d prefer it to be with one romantic partner, or just a few trusted partners.

All the Weddings

A friend recently noted that I seem to have been to a lot of weddings lately. I have thought about how many people I know who are engaged/married, but I hadn’t really put it into perspective before.

I’ve been to two weddings thus far for close friends, and I’m currently in two more and likely invited to another. I’ve also been to one family wedding recently, and two other close family members got married in the last 6 months. My sister is also currently engaged.

Every wedding has a story. Whether it’s the planning fiascos, drama at the event itself, or post-marital hardship, it seems no one is spared. The stories and photos of excess are ridiculous. Here are some “fun” memories of my wedding experiences thus far. Note: the first two snippets happened this past year, the last three all sort of fell into being last week

The Sob Story

One of my college roommates got married last April. She got engaged when her mom was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Unfortunately, her mom passed before the ceremony happened. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but also to be the bride’s “something blue” (as in the something old/new/borrowed/blue). The ceremony was a mess. The wedding ran late, photos weren’t taken, people didn’t dance, the DJ didn’t have the first song, and of course, the whole thing was tinged with sadness because of the loss of her mother.  On top of it all, I ended up not as a bridesmaid, but as a reader. This would have been fine, had she informed me before the day of (and before I spent $1300 on associated wedding things), but instead ended up a clusterfuck of awkwardness. But they’re married! And, nearly one year later, despite some serious issues with in-laws and housing, they’re still together.

The “Big Fat Jewish Wedding”

My cousin’s wedding this fall was another ridiculous affair. The whole event spanned the course of 4 days. There were 8 Shabbat/religious Jewish ceremonies over the first two days. There were two engagement dinner/giant celebrations prior to the wedding itself. The wedding  reception had four separate bands play. Friends performed skits, family wrote comedic sketches, and toasts happened galore. The hoorah went on for an hour. The groom wrote and performed a song for the bride.  There was a wedding cake, 2 other types of cake, Ben and Jerry’s, and cookies with baileys served at the reception. It literally could have been a movie for my big fat Jewish wedding. All that aside, this couple seems happier than any other I know, and they really seem truly meant for each other.

The Midwestern Prudes

One of my high school BFF’s got engaged in May, and I’m a bridesmaid (for real this time!). Lately, this wedding planning has gone kerplunk. The bride’s grandmother is having major health issues, so the family is too preoccupied to help her plan – and this for a girl who puts family above everything else. The couple hasn’t had sex in a year. Confrontations finally happened; essentially, fuck me or we’re through. The bride is extremely attractive by all modern and traditional standards, but her fiancé was a virgin until her and isn’t skilled enough to get her off. In his defense, she does no self-stimulation and has no clue how to get herself off either. They are shy on sex and don’t talk about the details…and now there are issues of trust, desirability, intimacy, etc. All before the wedding has happened. This one is on the rocks of happening right now.

The “I’m not getting married EVER…never mind!” Couple

The other high school BFF has been proclaiming for years that she didn’t believe in marriage. Then, of course, it devolved to not believing in wedding. Then, of course, she met “the one” and in her individual feminist way, she popped the question. They’re not sure of the particulars, but there will at least be a bachelorette party, a bridal party, and a reception/celebration of some sort, although probably not a ceremony and nothing at all religious. The thank-goodness thing here is that other than the date being only two weeks before my sister’s intended date, it should be relatively low-drama.

The mother-daughter soap opera

Then there’s my sister’s wedding…Ah, insanity. Obviously I’m a bridesmaid here, although my distance from home prevents me from being the maid of honor (thank God!). Unfortunately, my mom and sister both trust my insight and advice while having entirely differing ideas and views over what the wedding should be like, with neither having any idea how to plan one. My parents were very gracious in a budget for my sister.

Issue 1: she wants to buy a house and have a wedding. Complications: she has no money, no job, no credit, and her fiancé makes pennies. Logical response: consult a bank, figure out how much you can get approved for a mortgage and what type of down payment you need, then prioritize from there. Blunt sisterly response: If you want a house, you’re never going to have bulk money like this ever again, so use the wedding money for that and have a small wedding or elope.

Issue 2: my mom wants to invite EVERY FAMILY MEMBER EVER, and my sister wants a more intimate wedding more focused on having her friends there. Complication: my mom thinks my sister’s friends are the “dregs of the earth.” Logical response: make a list of all the possible invitees, prioritize, and then do announcements to the rest. People understand that weddings are finicky things and they won’t get butthurt about it.

They’ve been engaged for about a month, and found out about the budget about 2 weeks ago…and I spent 3 hours last week talking both parties down from hysteria. This does not bode well. Historically, my sister and mom are intermittently codependent and at each other’s throats, so do you see why I’m glad to be far away?

All I Want For Christmas

It’s holiday season, and I’m going to do things a bit backwards. Later this week, I’m sure I’ll try to post something about what I’m thankful for. Today, I’m feeling slightly more selfish, and have been thinking a lot more about what I’d love to get for Christmas in an ideal world. Some are lighthearted, some are deeper. I have no expectation of any of these things happening, beyond procuring some part of #1/2 for myself and hoping that #4 just happens miraculously.

  1. A metal slinky and/or a koosh ball.
  2. Bubbles, a giant balloon, or a pillow fort.
  3. A bonfire or fire in a fireplace with marshmallows, wine, good conversation, and good friends. Kinky orgies may or may not be present ;).
  4. To stop itching. I’m so, so sick of the mystery bug bite/disease itch thing. It’s beyond me. Doctors, exterminators, friends, family; no one knows what is it, and no matter what I do it persists. I’ve got scars and all sorts of crap from it, and I’m sick of it.
  5. For someone to take initiative and plan something fun for us to do together, with no decisions needed on my end at all. This could be a friend or date, whatever. I’m easy to please and generally laid back, and if you know me at all it’d be super simple to plan this. There’s not much I’m not down to try, including restaurants and types of movies even. I want to not have to worry, plan, or think about logistics at all – I want to hand that all over to someone else. I’m always the one planning things and making sure logistics work, and it’d be nice to totally step back from that for a change.
  6. To have a sensual, sexual heavy petting and make-out session. I don’t mean a brief interlude, but an hour or two where we lose ourselves like teenagers in this type of play and connection.
  7. A sudden influx of cash. I don’t need a lot, I’m talking under $5,000, and it isn’t that I can’t eventually pay things off so much as I’d like to do it all at once. I’ve had a lot of unexpected expenses recently, and I want to pay everything off and be able to save and pay down loans. I hate having a ton of monthly payments. Times like these I wish I came from wealth and could ask mommy/daddy to help.
  8. To be beaten, teased, and tormented while hogtied. Wartenburg, violet wand, tickling, paddle, flogger, riding crop, clamps, any will do…all while hogtied, maybe a blindfold or gag thrown in too. It’s been a fantasy for a really long time, and I’d love to make it happen. This would have to be with someone I trusted a lot, and would preferably involve orgasms on both ends.
  9. To walk around the monuments at night with people who like to snuggle. (It’s cold, snuggling is vital.)
  10. To be wooed. I want a man to romance me and make me feel special. I want chivalry and general thoughtfulness. I want there to be no doubt that he is interested and thinks I’m worth investing time, energy, and passion to.

7/31 Rapture! (And growing up.)

Rapture was this past weekend, and I had a blast as usual. It took a bit of jager and some hip hop, but I let loose and danced for about an hour.  My general whiteness, prudishness, and pudginess keep people from thinking I can dance, but I can bust a move. I was blessed with good rhythm, took dance classes when I was young, and did choreographed competitive routines in high school. (Plus, all people from my area of the Midwest dance like they do in Detroit. Our high school dances were all bump-and-grind, at least until chaperones forcibly stopped us.)  So, I danced! I danced with women, I danced with men, I gave lap dances – all in a corset! Predictably, the next morning my thighs were incredibly sore from dropping it like it was hot.

I also played again with needles…and I climaxed just from that. Talk about endorphins! It still amazes me that I can react that way to pain, let alone to needles. I hate needles! They scare me, puncturing skin squicks me out, and I don’t like blood. Throughout play, I’m squeezing someone’s hand or a table with a death grip, and I squeak a bit, but it also sends all sorts of tingly messages elsewhere in my body. Plus, with the gauge of needle we used, there were no marks and no real lingering soreness, making it far too simple to use this is a way to fill my occasional pain cravings. 

Otherwise, as I alluded to a bit ago, I ended things with vanilla guy (finally). I may have gotten a tad over-anxious in the lead-up to that…I definitely used friends and google as resources. I eventually ended up with something about how it was missing the connection I was seeking in a longer-term partner. While true, it still kind of sucked. Thankfully, he was really civil and nice about the whole thing, and I’m proud of myself for growing up, owning my feelings, and not wasting his or my time.

Honestly though, it’s amazing to me how you can get along with someone so well yet still not necessarily feel any sexual attraction to them. It’s even harder to comprehend sometimes how one person can feel something strongly when another doesn’t. I feel like it’s so rare to find someone you mesh with on all levels, including sexually, and to have both people acknowledge it and be ready and able to develop a relationship. Those who have found that, treasure it.

As part of the ‘nilla “break-up,” I caught up with my vanilla BFF who always has this incredible knack of putting my life in perspective. She’s the strongest Christian I know, and yet she’s also the one who knows the most details about my kinky interactions. She’s amazing. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. I tend to look after her like a big sister.  I’ve been kind of on-edge since a few weeks before graduation, stuck in this go-go-go cycle. Basically, my irrational, unfounded fear of not having plans or friends post-grad resulted in me fostering so many relationships that now I’m overwhelmed with plans.

Basically, my fear of being alone left me with no time to be alone, and now I’m craving that alone time. It’s twisted. I genuinely like my varied friend groups, I have fun with them, and I want to hang out with them. Thing is, I have my grad school folks and my kinky folks, kinky events and dating, and then the “catch-up” and “new” people. Fake sister pointed out that if I haven’t seen someone in months or years, they can wait a while longer if it means I have more time to myself. Valid point.

Essentially, I need to prioritize getting my shit together, and start establishing a routine. I need to formalize a laundry day and grocery day, make lunches in advance, and fit in time for the gym (maybe overlap it with catching up on favorite shows?) on top of my social life. I’ve been prioritizing the social life, which while fun, ends up draining energy and making me feel anxious for missing the rest of things…plus it’s costly and not always healthiest.