DO:Fusion 2013

It’s taken a while for me to really want to write about this, partially because it wasn’t the most eventful of weekends kink-wise.

The weekend overall was good. I spent a lot of time at the Primal Fires, which was really cool. I enjoyed the drumming, fire spinners/dancers, and massive bonfires. I am not pagan, but I do connect to myself more in that type of situation. I also attended some of the scheduled programming, in that I went to the perv pride parade, the bare! stories event, and the burlesque show. All were enjoyable. I really liked the stories part – I love hearing about other people’s experiences. I joke, but seriously, sometimes I can be a nosy bitch.

Other milder things – I hosted an ion for board games that got a great turnout. I also did a bunch of sparklers, roasted some marshmallows, and hung out with great friends, all of which was amazing.

I had a sort of strange/disconcerting experience with play. I only played once over the weekend, with someone I’ve played with before. Some caveats: I hadn’t played since March (so 3 months), and I’ve never played fully to the point of sobbing. I’ve teared up a couple of times. I cried real tears twice, both from a singletail after just a few minutes, not from hard pushing or lengthy beatings, never from impact play. I’d also eaten only about 30 minutes prior to our scene.

I didn’t intend initially for this to be a rough scene, so I didn’t line up any friends for extra cuddles. I didn’t want to put anyone out either, especially since everyone seemed to have plans and things going on. As my prior posts indicate, I’d been in a weird space leading up to the event, and after discussing it, the Top said he’d be down pushing me to tears. I really needed to release some emotion, so I was up for it. We had a very intense (for me, at least) scene, where he was doing very heavy impact play – think paddles, spanking, punching, and crowbar. I broke down into sobs, all was well.

I’ve never needed much aftercare with him before, so we didn’t do much, and then off we went to walk around and hang out. I began feeling more and more out of it, dropping from the play. I tried to meet up with a friend to lend her support, and the pain kicked in hardcore as the adrenaline wore off. I tried to get back to our campsite, and stumbled up a hill. I somehow made it to the DXS campsite, where some friends helped up my bloodsugar and walk me back to my campsite. I got very ill en route, and passed out pretty quickly.

Lessons learned – don’t eat so near to a scene, and discuss lengthier aftercare up front.

Reality of this, though, is that I don’t want to impose on my friends for aftercare. It makes me feel pitiful, and discarded by the person I played with. I want aftercare with the person inflicting the pain. The only exception to this is when that person is part of a couple and I’m friends with them both, in which case either person works for aftercare. Otherwise, if someone can make me so vulnerable and expect so much trust, then I deserve the same in return. If they can break it, they can fix it. If someone doesn’t want to share that intimacy, I don’t want to share play.

There are people who can do that casually, as in outside of a relationship. Unfortunately, that’s hard to find. Frequently, either myself or the other person gets emotionally attached outside of the kink, and one of us doesn’t reciprocate.

So, for now, I’m being much more hesitant about play. Rope is fine, since it’s a bit more tame. A light flogging, sure, why not. Anything remotely pushing limits – I need something more. Hopefully, I’ll find a way to make that happen sooner rather than later.

Disassociating…or re-evaluating.

Lately, I seem to have random bursts of passion about things instead of my usual zest for all things in life. I think I need some mental relaxation. A lot has been going on, basically.

First, I’m back in the States! Yay! Another bomb went off while I was there, and it was a much closer call. I was definitely happy to be going back home. As much as I consider going for a year (financially, it’s the best decision), I can’t make myself face the risks. That, and after two weeks I was twitchy from loud noises; a year would give me actual PTSD.

On the positive side, my bosses at work are recommending me for a promotion, unprompted from me. I really hope it happens. Either way, it’s nice to have my work recommended.

I’ve been oddly uninterested in kink for a while now. I think it started by dating a religious guy and making me re-evaluate casual play – combined with feeling shitty after playing with too many coupled people and casual encounters. I haven’t really done much lately. I went to the rope event in May, and played at Rapture in March…but that’s been it, really. I haven’t been to the Crucible or BR in months either. I’m still very much enjoy bondage and pain, but I only want it with someone who I’m submitting to, which is rare to find. Basically, I’m seeking a Dominant man for a relationship, surprise surprise. The other kink stuff I really only want to do with a regular romantic partner, preferably one with power over me.

It’s a weird mood to be in, really, especially prior to Fusion. I’m not very excited for this year’s Fusion. I’m not prepared – I’m not packed or shaved, I don’t have classes selected, and I don’t have playdates all set up. I’m going without a partner (with friends, yes, but “solo”). There will be 1,000 people there and limited bathrooms. I have to cook my food and I don’t know if we have the right equipment to do so. It stresses me out. I am worried I will just end up retreating somewhere and reading for several hours. I just feel lonely in my kink. I need someone looking out for me that I can play and grow with, and without that, it all feels empty. I’d love to be the type for casual encounters, but I have never mastered that, emotionally or physically.

On the other hand, I’ve had some shitty family stuff get even shittier lately (that gets a post of its own), and combined with the warzone crap, I could use some BDSM. As the title of the post indicates, the more shit that I think about, stress about, etc., the more I just disassociate altogether and start feeling like nothing matters. It makes me question what I’m doing with my life. I’ve intended to find a place to volunteer, start going to services, and work out more – but I seemingly never have time to catch up, let alone get ahead. Ugh. I could use something to make me feel, make me forget and stop thinking, and allow me to let go. I just don’t know who I can trust to take me there anymore.

4/22

My friend’s wedding was this weekend. I’m very happy for her. She was beautiful, the setting was gorgeous, and it was great to see old friends. It was heartbreaking that her mother wasn’t there, especially since she danced with her dad to “I Remember.” Other than that, it was a frustrating experience. I was invited to be a part of the wedding as a bridesmaid originally, but the whole weekend I was not included as a real part of the bridal party – wasn’t introduced with the party at the reception, wasn’t in the program as a bridesmaid, didn’t receive the pre-wedding jewelry, and wasn’t included in the wedding party photos. I mean really, the bride didn’t care enough about me being a part of the memory to include me in the group photos? I only wish she had made it clear up front that she felt that way, and I would’ve declined being part of the wedding at all and saved myself the $1200 I spent (no exaggeration, unfortunately) on this wedding.

With that, I really hope that my other friends getting married remember that a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love with your partner. It’s about rejoicing with your friends and family that you’ve found your other half. The emphasis should be on the marriage, not the wedding. The wedding is one day/night, and the marriage lasts (hopefully) a lifetime. So, spending ridiculous amounts of money and getting incredibly freaked out seems like a waste of time. All the small things don’t matter in the long run!

In other news, I checked my mail tonight for the first time in a while, and had mail from the agency I worked for during most of the year. I was mailed an award for my work on one of our projects, which was awesome! I had no idea I was being awarded anything. It’s really nice for them to acknowledge the time and energy I put in for them. Plus, it’s from the managing director of our team, which is pretty high up. This should definitely help me in my endeavors to return back to this agency once they start hiring :).

Other things are all lined up and working out. I have an apartment lined up including a move-in date set. Rapture is coming up, and some rope experts are visiting in early June. I’m going home, visiting my grandmother, and then graduating with my Masters. I’m going to visit family in Boston, and a good friend is going to visit me in DC. Then, I start my new job and have Dark Odyssey: Fusion. In the last weeks of June, I’ll be able to settle down and I won’t be doing any traveling/visiting for a good long while and the real fun can begin! I’m hoping to spend at least one weekend at MD/DE beach this summer, rent a boat for a day, catch an Orioles game, and enjoy all DC has to offer. Summer is the best, what with Jazz in the Park, fireworks, etc.

And to throw in some kink, I’m really enjoying playing and experimenting with electrical play. It’s another one of those things that I didn’t start out fantasizing about, although I’d always been curious about it (I’m curious about everything…). I did read an ebook once where a girl was hooked up to an electrical unit – attached to her nipples, clit, and anal/vaginal probes – and then the settings were put just high enough to sexually stimulate without taking her over the edge. She was left that way for hours as payback for an investigation gone awry. I found it incredibly hot, but more for the teasing/denial than anything else. Well, turns out the electricity can be pretty hot in and of itself.

There are different types of electrical toys, and they’re all very different. Tens Units stimulate deep within the tissues and muscles, and cause involuntary contractions. Violet wands, on the other hand, are more immediately painful/reactive and stimulate the surface of tissues. I’m really curious about using the tens units around the nipples or immediately around the clit. I’m also really intrigued by the idea of insertables for either piece of equipment. I very much enjoyed feeling the violet wand on my nipples, which are incredibly sensitive and delightfully responsive to pain; I’m almost positive I could climax just from that. It’s almost enough to buy my own toy, although I don’t know that I’d maintain enough sanity and control of my movement to be able to even use it on myself. I’m still not into stun guns, cattle prods, and tasers, though – they’re all still way off-limits (if not for the sound alone)!

I’ve also gotten to the point where rope is my safe place. I mean, I’ve always been able to find peace in being tied up – something about being forced to focus on the moment – but it’s more than that, now. When things go poorly or I have a terrible day, I can find  comfort in rope. It calms me down and can cheer me up. It also can arouse the hell out of me…but it’s strange that something so mundane can have such an intense, visceral reaction. It really makes me feel kinky. I like to placate myself into feeling “normal” by thinking about how the toys and tools of the BDSM trade are just icing on the “I like strong, power-wielding men” cake. At the end of the day, though, I’m just as kinky as the rest of the BDSM community. I may have to acknowledge an actual fetish for rope. Hopefully, I can not feel too weirded out by the fact that I have fetishes. It seems so much more extreme than saying I’m kinky, and I really don’t know why the words have such vastly different connotations in my mind. Something to explore later, perhaps.