Submissive Thoughts, Part 1: Being Honest with Myself

For most of the last year, I’ve focused on exploring kink and my sexuality. I’ve dated quite a bit, and I focused on trying to let myself open up emotionally with others (traditionally, that’s been very, very difficult for me). My work and school schedule, combined with my different groups of vanilla and kinky friends, made me feel stressed and busy. Kink was a good release, but D/s scared me. I needed to prioritize and focus on the goals I had set for myself.

The key there was that D/s freaked me out. When I was first interested in BDSM, way back in my teens, I thought a 24/7 M/s situation would be awesome and ideal. I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait for a man, so I pursued a bunch of other interests. Along the way, my ambitions and other interests became more central to my happiness, I got much more independent, and I started thinking in terms of a less than 24/7 D/s relationship. Even then, though, I still wanted to find a Dominant of my own. In fact, when I started this blog about 2 years ago, I wrote a post on my ideal relationship, and that involved a fair amount of power exchange.

Life got more hectic and things got crazy. I barely had time for myself. I dated a few guys who, while interesting, I wasn’t totally taken with and they started getting into all these serious things (poly, D/s commitment after just a few dates, high protocols). It scared me, and I backed away from D/s, hard. I switched my kinky label, and I got much more snarky/bratty/switchy with folks. I enjoy playing around, humor, pushing back, etc. Really though, part of it is a challenge. I still want to find a Dominant man, but by pushing hard, I know that I’m putting up walls on purpose to protect myself. I want someone to push through them, but I’m afraid of being submissive so I don’t let myself unless pushed there.

Thing is, to me, submitting means prioritizing my partners desires above my own. I get that my needs need to be met, but my desires can be subjugated to his desires. That’s a big thing. I maintain pretty rigid control over my life. I plan things, I host things, I make sure shit gets done. There are very few people I relax with and that I trust to have control and both be decisive and not abuse that trust. I’ve gotten better with this over the last year or so, in that I’ve formed some great relationships. Despite that, I’m so used to people not following through on their word that I have a lot of doubt. I’m a skeptic. An idealistic skeptic, but skeptic nonetheless. Long story short, surrendering control is hard for me, but when I do it I do so full-blast.

Realistically, I’m submissive in all aspects of my life. Pleasing people is paramount to me. In all of my relationships, if I see a way I can add to your happiness, I will do all in my power to do that. I will rearrange schedules, plan things, send interesting articles or jokes your way if they relate to you, whatever. I like to make the people important to me happy. Growing up, my need to make those around me happy caused a good deal of stress. Hell, even now, a good deal of my stress is knowing that someone I know is unhappy (or thinking they are) and not being able to help. I try to make sure I don’t let my own well-being suffer because of this, but it’s a struggle. In order to live my life, I have to push down that submissive part because I can’t be submissive to everyone. It isn’t practical, it isn’t good for my happiness, and honestly, I know way too many non-decisive people. Over the last year, I’ve tried hard to ignore any submissive parts of myself.

Despite that half-hearted, craptastic attempt at tamping down my submissiveness and focusing on pain and bondage instead, that part of me is still there. I graduated, I found a job, and I settled into some relationships and habits. It isn’t overwhelming to think about incorporating other people into my life now. I started thinking about submission again, and why it was that I freaked out about it. I can’t deny I’m submissive.

At the end of the day, submitting to someone I trust would alleviate that deep-seated pressure to make people happy, because I would be guided in how to please them. I could focus on pleasing one person instead of everyone. My need to please would be outwardly acknowledged, and openness about my submission will help me find someone who won’t take advantage of that need to please. I get that plenty of Dominants are abusive, and ultimately it will always be my own responsibility to make sure my needs are being met. That said, I overthink the shit out of things, and being guided in how to please and told if I’m not pleasing my partner eliminates a great deal of the stress I have in trying to control things I have no control over (like my partner’s emotions).

There’s more on this, but in an effort to not have crazy long posts I’ll post it later.

8/8 Quit Playing Games With My Heart

Yes, I just quoted a Backstreet Boys song…deal with it.

Game playing in the romantic world has come up more than once in my life lately, and it kind of took me by surprise. In the universe’s (The Universe has a twitter, btw) typical fashion, it even showed up in my webcomics – see today’s Questionable Content post.

I guess on some level, you could say that all the so-called rules we follow in the dating world are playing games, because they aren’t us acting entirely on intuition. By this I mean things like waiting a few days to call someone after getting their number, not texting back immediately, not always being available during the initial time you’re asked out for, texting the morning after if you had a good time, etc. In my (potentially naïve) view, though, playing games has always been a negative thing, and has always been something that people do intentionally. It’s playing hard to get or acting uninterested in order to attract someone.

I have hidden my interest in men before, but usually because I was afraid of rejection and I wanted to judge their interest first. I realize now that is the same thing as playing a game because it isn’t being direct and forthright with your feelings. I’ve also come to realize that sometimes games aren’t all negative, but are natural. I didn’t intentionally think to play hard to get. I don’t lead people on or tease them on purpose. If I’ve ever done so, it’s been a measure of my own uncertainty or insecurity in that particular situation.

I’ve basically been a bit of a hypocrite. I make a big deal about owning how you feel and being honest, but when it comes down to it, I’m not that blunt. When asked for an opinion or asked how I feel, I will be unfailingly honest. I may even overshare and give way too much information. That said, I tend to not volunteer information. In the past, in all situations – with friends, family, romantic partners – volunteering emotional information has more often than not ended very poorly. It’s a trust thing. If someone has asked something, I trust they care about the answer and I am ok making myself vulnerable because they did so by asking. It’s rare for me to trust others enough to become vulnerable with them on my own initiative, and that is where I’ve been “playing games.”

I don’t know if how I act is really game playing, I just know that I need to be more direct. I’ve known this for a while, but I’m still working on acting on it. I’ve gotten better recently in a series of interactions in the kinky and vanilla world, in terms of play and dating, but I still have a ways to go. I was taken aback a bit this weekend, though, when someone suggested that I was playing games, when in my mind, I was just uncertain of his interest and of how far I was willing to go with him. I didn’t intend to give mixed messages, and I cleared it up right away. On a similar note, when playing a game that asked “what would make an unattractive person appealing,” one thing brought up was directness about sexual interest. I don’t think I’d fit in the unattractive persons group, but it’s interesting to hear from others how directness is admired rather than seen as off-putting.

Now to go on building myself up and forcing myself to be more direct. Putting my money where my mouth is can be hard.

Day 16, 30 Days of Kink

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

There are two things that are rather equally difficult for me: hiding/lying and dating.

First, I have an absolutely horrible poker face. I can’t lie. I am honest to a fault. If you know me at all, you would immediately be aware I was hiding something. More than that, I like to share stories, advice, and life in general with my loved ones. I enjoy girly gossip, and I highly value the insights of my friends on my actions. A lot of people I meet in the kinky community only hang out with other kinky folks, in part because they can have all of these things without explanations. Thing is, I love my ‘nilla friends. They are amazing people. I find it incredibly difficult, though, to not discuss kinky things.

More than that, it’s not just omitting or not sharing, it’s straight up hiding or lying. I have to make excuses for where I’m going when I attend kink events, and I have to keep this whole huge part of my personality and life secret. I hate that. I also have to keep things hidden or at the very least, very discreet, due to my professional interests. I want to be free and open and have no worries about it. It is stressful and hard to hide and lie about my kink, because it is more than sexuality but rather is part of my identification and personality.

Second, I find dating way more difficult as a kinky person. Primarily, my pool of available men shrinks considerably when I add kink, even more so as a relatively monogamous kinkster. I’ve met many men who are interested and I’m attracted to, but who aren’t kinky, and it just hasn’t worked. I despise having to bring up kink to vanilla folks and walk that mine-filled road. And more than all that, I hate that within kink, it’s incredibly difficult to distinguish romantic interest from play-only, sex-only, casual-only, etc. relationships. Dating in the vanilla world has always been much more straight forward for me.

Day 13, 30 Days of Kink

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Kink and BDSM appeal to me for multiple reasons; I’ll walk through them each briefly.

First, the community around kink, or “the scene,” is incredible. There are so many welcoming, friendly, open-minded people who are dedicated to pursuing their passions, living true to themselves, trying new things, and enjoying life to the fullest. These are all things that are paramount in how I choose to live my life, and so there is a certain kinship amongst these kinky people. I’ve never been anywhere else where I could speak so openly about such personal things without feeling judged for it. Moreover, the kinky community makes living in such a large city feel like a small town, and I enjoy that. Other “pre-built” communities such as religious groups or book clubs are great and some may be comparable, but the community aspect of kink is still a huge draw for me.

Next, kink/BDSM is largely about pursuit of peace and pursuit of pleasure. When I’m bottoming or submitting to someone, when I’m crying out from the pain or reveling in bondage, I get great peace. I am able to center myself, focus, and relax. I don’t have to worry about the logistics or anyone other than my partner. I don’t have to control everything. It’s hard for me trust people and surrender control, but in this scene it is such a verbalized, negotiated exchange that I am able to do so, and that surrender is astoundingly gratifying. Moreover, I get off on a lot of the things I do in the kinky world. Being dominated is hot. Pain can be hot. I also find pleasure in the “oooh toys, fun!” type of way. I have a genuinely good time when I’m doing kink stuff or hanging out with kinky people, and that appeals to me.

Kink appeals because of the ability to strengthen relationships. The amount of communication and trust needed to make all of this work in a SSC way surpasses any in my past vanilla experiences, and I like that. There is more intimacy. The focus on sex usually results in more sexual freedom, experimentation, and passion in the relationship which also appeals.

The kinky community allows me to push my limits. I love adventure, challenges, and trying new things. I like to experience as much as I can. I am relatively competitive, and kind of stubborn. I enjoy being able to test my endurance and pain tolerance, to explore unknown territories. BDSM is just one more avenue for me to let this part of my personality reign free.

The psychological and sociological influences and impact fascinate me, and that curiosity is satisfied by participating in kink. I’m kind of a nosy person (this blog has inquisitive in the title for a reason), and I like learning. I like learning about other people, their kink and their sex lives, why they do what they do, etc. I like seeing other people have fun, and in doing so learning things to make my life even fuller. I’m curious. I want to know as much as possible about kink and BDSM because of what it means to individuals, and because of what it means as part of society and our culture.

There may be more than that, but for now this is what I can think of. I’m sure I’ll edit/update later.

Now, as for why I am drawn to the things I am drawn to?

I’m a control freak (that hates being in control) who likes organized social activities, with a high sex drive and a very curious and adventurous nature…If I had to guess, I’d say all of the above stems from those parts of my personality.

Who are you? ~ Original Poem (slam style)

This was another old poem, actually written to be read in live performance (kind of the old poetry slam type of dealio). There is a very deliberate rhythm that is meant to be heard when reading/listening. I’m not sure if that rhythm translated – I tried to use line breaks, punctuation, and bolding to translate the specific emphases into text. Either way, I still have a fondness for the piece.

~*~

Who are you –

Who has made me think, who has encouraged me to question?

I need more people like you.

More people who understand, who encourage.

I know I can be the best if I truly want to be,

But I don’t want to be the best, just the best me.

But people seem to stifle me, to put down my opinions, to tell me I can’t succeed –

Is it so much to want to dream,

To want to move beyond this life into a realm beyond that of my deepest imagining?

I want so much from life – I want to love and live and learn.

People tell me that’s not good enough. That I need a plan, that I need to be realistic;

But you — You mysterious entity never truly insult me.

You give me something to think about, you pose a question and give me time to answer it without rushing my answer.

You let me dream.

Though you never encourage the impossible – You understand your limits and my own,

But you know how to stretch them.

It isn’t about being perfect, or being beautiful, or being optimistic – It’s about being real;

And reality can sometimes feel like a dream,

And in dreams all is perfect,

But perfection is in the eye of the beholder

And in my eyes,

I see you.

And I say thank you

For being there

For being true.