No risk, no reward

I’m going for it. I turned down an internship offer today – one that pays, mind you – in the hopes of getting another one that I haven’t heard back from yet. I had to give an answer, and I want the other position badly enough to risk having nothing at all. Plus, I think I realized that even though the people working at the other place are nice, I don’t like the type of work I’d be doing. So, now to cross my fingers and hope for positive news about the other opportunity.

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job, which is bittersweet. It’s been an amazing experience, but I’m sad for it to end. Hopefully the FY13 budget will go as planned and I can come back in a year.

Went to a BR rope class tonight. It was just enough rope to make me want more, of course. I did see some interesting variations on the box tie (Takote Kote -sp?). I like the class aspect of BR, even though it’s harder to meet people there. I think I’m going to try going to a few more classes, and hopefully get the balls to go to their pre-class happy hour/dinner. It helps that violet wands, breath play, flirting in the scene (yay awkward avoidance), and bratty subs – all things I have an interest in – are all upcoming topics.

My only lasting marks from this weekend are from the 5-10 minute impromptu single-tail experience I had on Sunday. This is probably a good thing, all things considered, but it’s interesting that the 35 minute impact session left no marks while the quick whip did.

Now to sleep!

2011 Recap and 2012 Vanilla Resolutions

Best parts of last year:

  • Going whitewater tubing and flatwater tubing at Harpers Ferry
  • Visiting Old Town Alexandria and Annapolis multiple times with some of my favorite DC folks
  • Getting my summer internship exactly where I want; winning the Friedman award and being able to accept the internship I wanted over the summer in DC
  • Placing in top 5 for the social analytix case competition this spring
  • Finalizing my apprenticeship and finding a job I absolutely love; more importantly, discovering what I’m good at and what things are essential to have present in my future career
  • Getting involved in the DC kink community, including attending my first play parties with special recognition for Rapture and DC Rope people
  • Rocking out at optimization, linear programming, and learning to master Excel; finding things I excel at
  • Spending spring break in Gulf Shores and New Orleans with wonderful people
  • All the time spent with family (Boston, Indiana, Arkansas, Ohio)
  • Throwing myself into the real world and putting myself out there in terms of dating, relationships, and men; gaining confidence in my ability to attract men
  • Going to Harvard for a conference, attending the ARPA-E conference in DC, getting published (even if just as a co-writer of a conclusion)
  • Making amazing friends in the Pittsburgh Kink community and at CMU
  • Seeing capitol steps, my first opera, the Pittsburgh symphony, Les Mis, and other really fun art events
  • Getting my health on track – lost 40lbs from December ’10 to December ’11, and got in overall better shape
  • Discovering and exploring my masochism, becoming more comfortable with my kink, and learning more about where my boundaries are in terms of relational roles and power exchange

2012 Vanilla Resolutions:

  • Find a full-time, post-graduation job
  • Graduate with my Masters…this should be a no-brainer.
  • Line up recommendation letters/references from graduate school professors
  • Incorporate forecasting, simulations, or scoring models into our systems project (didn’t happen, but opportunity passed)
  • Join a profession organization and attend an event; alumni groups from undergrad/sorority do count
  • Learn how to do macros and refresh on pivot tables in Excel
  • Organize addresses/phone numbers/passwords
  • Write/call/email friends at least once per month
  • Practice my french to recapture proficiency
  • Travel to at least one new destination (hopefully more than one, and include an overseas location)
  • Exercise in some way at least three times a week
  • Continue to work on involving friends (or finding new ones to involve) in active things, such as hiking/long walks/kayaking/tennis/dancing. Concrete goal: Do an activity like this at least once per month until graduation, more frequently after.
  • Drink more water, 4+ glasses a day
  • Write at least two more short (erotic) stories
  • Learn more about photography and work on developing a photorama of DC

Pre-Rope Camp

I’m nervous about rope camp this weekend. You know, all the typical things – what to wear, what to bring, so many new people, so many things I don’t know, anxiety x100… At the same time, I’m pretty excited. Lew Rubens is going to be presenting on predicament bondage. I’m not sure if I’ll go to “Responsibilities of a bottom,” “yoga for bottoms,” “partial suspensions,” or Lee Harrington’s class on energy… we’ll see. Midori is doing what looks like a neat class, but I’d need to borrow a rope top. I’m content to sit and watch and learn, but obviously I’d love to be tied up too.

In other news, my internship ends Friday. This summer has FLOWN by. I met with the Deputy Chief of Staff today, though, and she reaffirmed my career choices and path thus far, and it was pretty gratifying. I’m very excited to start my new job this fall. In the interim, I’ll be kink-free, but I’ll get to see my family. I’ll be visiting parents, sister, and grandmother, connecting with high school and college friends, then back to DC for orientation/starting classes, then to Boston to see the aunt and uncle. Time. Flies.

Life With More Energy

Rope bite was top of my list tonight, but with rush hour traffic and rain it is an hour away…add to that getting off work later than expected, and that’s not handy for attending an event. Someday soon rope will re-enter my life, and it will be amazing. Worst case, July 9th there is guaranteed rope.

That apartment is all settled, if crowded. 4 people in a 3br place is not the best scenario, primarily because of one roommate’s inability to clean up after herself. I’m sort of kind of a bit of a neat freak, and it’s getting out of hand. Thankfully I have other roommates who agree with my type of clean, so hopefully we’ll nail down the issues this week.

I’ve been working for just over a week now at my “official” internship. I really enjoy some aspects of it, though I fight with my procrastination sometimes. I get to work on trade policy and economic analysis projects, which is really letting my utilize the skills from my graduate program. I get to work on forecasting and economic analysis, research informing trade agreements, and facilitation of GAO audits for the department. More than anything, I appreciate the chance to witness and be a part of how government agencies coordinate and interact to make policy happen. It fascinates me.

I just finished a really good book (reading on the metro = yay) called Blind Your Ponies. I’d recommend it. It goes through the trials and tribulations, as well as the successes, of the residents of a small town in Montana and their high school basketball team. The characters all had great personality and the book really comes to life. A website for the bibliophiles out there –

Now I’m just getting pumped for the weekend. I’m going to a nice french restaurant with a large group of friends tomorrow night, which is exciting. They have tartiflette, this dish local to the Savoie region where I studied abroad, so I’m thrilled. I’m also going to get to see some friends that I’ve been out of touch with. It’s the little things that are helping me feel connected to the city.

I waver back and forth between feeling like DC is huge and unmanageable, like the logistics will prevent me from doing anything fun and the sheer number of people will swarm over me and suffocate what breath I have left after long days of working. <– see that? That’s my mini panic that comes out whenever I think about it. But then, at the same time, I adore how patriotic I feel living here, the type of work I can do here, the abundance of things to do, the variety of people, etc. It’s a fine line, and I’m still not sure what will win out eventually.

Random pet peeves of the week: people listening to their music so loudly on the metro that I can’t think, Weiner resigning when his constituents haven’t lost faith yet, people not RSVPing to things and then bitching about not being included.

Lastly, I am more and more confident in my submission over just my desire to bottom. I’ve spoken with some previous play partners, and while my submission reveals itself infrequently/to specific men, it is most definitely there. I only await the time when it can be nourished to something more fulfilling.


Borrowing the title phrase from a friend.

I MUST. STOP. Procrastinating.

Clearly I’m failing at that already, given this posting.

For serious though, the more I have to do, the worse it gets. Don’t worry, everything gets done, it’s just that it could be being done so much more efficiently. This bothers me…but not enough to change my work habits.

The countdown is almost finished, though. I have two classes tomorrow, and then it’s just a series of exams/papers. To be exact: 1 hw assignment, 3 group papers, and 4 exams and I’m done! I’m most worried about my financial analysis and management science exams. I can do very poorly on finanal and still get an A-, but since I’ve missed a whole bunch of classes, I’m concerned. Man Sci will just be super hard, because it always is, but it is also awesome so that’s ok.

Dream apprenticeship job for next year has decided to look at resumes. I have a meeting set for when I get to DC, and fingers crossed they will be willing to hire someone and that someone will be me! There is one other person in my program who wants the position too, which sucks, but if I can get there in person I think my passion will pull me through.

I got some more $$ for the summer. I’m officially able to cover metro, rent, and moving, and will just be left with food and fun to charge to credit cards. This is acceptable. Not a dream situation, but hopefully worth it. Now if only my security clearance forms would come… The pissiest part of this is that if I have to start my work later, I could have stayed in Pittsburgh longer or gone home for a bit. Uncertainty stinks.

Kinky munch yesterday went pretty well, if rather socially exhaustive. Trying to catch up with people, avoid awkwardness, and remain entertaining can take its toll in a group of 50ish people. I did alright, but I still haven’t managed to be able to eat at one of those things. I get too nervous and lose my appetite. I think this is why I much prefer game nights – you’re guaranteed something to do, something to talk about, and an easy way to initiate laughter. Despite that, I did enjoy myself and it was nice to escape grad school world.

Basically, I really, really need to release stress. I think that is part of why I’m procrastinating so much. The stress level amongst the peers in my program is through the roof. If I were in a vacuum, I’d be fine. Unfortunately, I tend to really feel it when people I know aren’t doing well, and so when everyone freaks out it freaks me out. Combined with the number of group projects, and these lingering deadlines that kind of leave you feeling scattered, it doesn’t make for a good mindset. So, by the time the day is done and I’m home, all I want to do is read or watch tv or whatever. Or hurt someone, but I tend not to go that way.

So, stress release. Best ways to do this: serious masochistic release or helplessness time. Best available option: accomplish something, clean, then reassess. Probably go to bed, and sleep / take care of business.

On a totally random note, I just googled euphemisms for masturbating (you know you’re procrastinating when…), and found this site, which is utterly ridiculous:

Some snippets: bop the bologna, making the beaver swim, hand to gland combat, acting out grapes of wrath…and many more. The sheer crudeness of these is hilariously disgusting.

Just keep swimming…oh shit a tidal wave!

So, life moves quickly. I know, no surprise there. I’ve been without a computer for a bit over a week, and it’s kept things interesting. I haven’t exactly been more productive, but I did get a bit more pleasure reading in. I forgot how much I love books (which was good, because I really don’t have time for them).

This past weekend I went to Boston for an International Development Conference that my university co-hosted with Harvard. The case competition we organized went exceptionally well, and I made some great contacts with Chemonics and some other consulting folks. I also realized that HKS has an awful community atmosphere, and I am happier than ever where I am.

I got to see my Aunt and Uncle in Boston as well, which was amazing. I have all sorts of plans with them now – a weekend in NYC next year, the 4th of July in Boston perhaps, etc. My cousin hasn’t been doing too well, which is unfortunate, but I was glad to see her nonetheless. I was also reminded just how much I LOVE Boston – it is the perfect size for me, and a magical blend of history and newness.

I bought a new Macbook Pro this week (ahh I feel like I’m betraying Sony…but they betrayed me first). It’s the 13in I7/2.7gh w/ 4gb ram…basically I’m super happy with it. I bought this sweet purple case for it, and I’m already loving it. It’s very easy to learn, which is awesome.

I accepted my summer internship – hopefully the government won’t fail in the meantime. I’ll be in the department of homeland security’s office of policy, which I’m very, very, very excited about. Next year’s job is still up for grabs, but it is looking good. We also officially confirmed/have a lease to sign for our apartment next year. I’m very relieved to have it figured out, and I still can’t believe how great a deal it is. I’ll be paying less than I am for rent in Pittsburgh!

Today we hosted the deputy administrator for the EIA, whom I got to introduce. He gave a great talk about balancing analysis with advocacy. I appreciated the chance to gain insight on energy policy from someone in the middle of it. Yet another reason I love my school – I can get people like this to come here so easily.  At my undergrad that was never possible.

Looking ahead, I’m participating in a case competition this weekend on social media analytics. I’m hoping my team will win me some money, I could really use it. There is a kinky happy hour I’ll likely miss, and a giant party thing that is being hosted locally. On Saturday I’m attending a munch in the suburbs that is followed by a play party. I’m a bit nervous, but I know a few people and I could really use a pain fix. Sunday I have class, and I might get to try a new coffee place, we’ll see.


Just got the perfect internship offer for this summer. Prestige, substantive, gets me into government. YAY! JUST before I accepted somewhere else, too.

Only negative: it’s unpaid. I have a fellowship that will cover my rent, and the gov will pay for metro, but I still need to eat/survive all summer… Not sure how that will happen yet. And, it isn’t in energy, which is kind of a negative I guess. But, national security and energy go really closely together, and substantive policy work in a government agency will work out well even if it isn’t energy specific.

I think my decision has been made. It will take a killer offer at this point to change my mind.

I’m so excited!!!!

*edit* I wish my parents would be excited for me. Just once. The unpaid part is what is turning them off of it. Thing is, my paid offer isn’t a lot of money, and I’d literally be answering phones all summer. It’d be low key/fun, but entirely unsubstantive, and no one has heard of the firm really. Working for a government agency looks amazing when I’m applying for government jobs, and I’d be doing real work (wtf is the point of paying $70,000 for school if I’m not using the skills?). Plus, only 5 in about 500 applicants get it. You’d THINK they’d be proud of me. Talk about a killjoy.