2/20 – Post DOWF

It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m  incredibly tired.

One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.

In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up.  It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.

Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.

Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).

In a collection of randoms…

  • I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
  • I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
  • The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
  • Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – http://www.minnalife.com/?gclid=COfmm5zpra4CFacQNAodxkzmQw. It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
  • My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.


My mother and sister have officially lost it mentally today. Add the 27 year old, living at home, jobless, PMS-ing sister with the bipolar, party-host-stressed mother and BAM! Negativity.

I lucked out on bridesmaid dress shopping, so my dress will be the same as the other girls only blue (I’m the something blue). Only, apparently there are only 4 groomsmen for the 5 bridesmaids, and since I’m blue, I’m the 5th one out. This wins for most awkward wedding arrangements. I also might be reading something at the ceremony? Thankfully I’m just good at doing what I’m told, and that’s my attitude about this wedding.

I also got an interview! It’s on Friday the 13th…thankfully I’m not superstitious. It figures that of the 36 jobs I’ve applied for, the one I’m hearing back for involves travel to Afghanistan. I’m hoping I’ll have another offer in the works before this one gets to that point, since I don’t know if I’m ready for that type of danger. Basically I’m going to have lots of questions for the interviewers.

Mid July

Made it back to DC from Pittsburgh in 3.5 hours exactly – was amazing to be home so quickly. Exhaustion took over this evening though, so this evening is going to be one for prepping the week.

Interesting things from the last week:

  • I tried south indian food for the first time today, and it was amazing.
  • I’m bruised and sore, which is always a fun reminder :).
  • Horrible Bosses is a really funny movie. This surprised me, but it was great.
  • I had a really important interview last week, and am still waiting to hear back. Fingers crossed that I get the job!
  • The debates over big city v. small city and sub v. bottom came back up in my life. The jury is still out on which things will win out.

The week continues…

I’m really not, despite what my post this AM seemed like. I did eventually cry today – I woke up to another crap email from the same professor, and then an acquaintance of mine was being a bitch, so when a friend hugged me I burst. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome to get it out. I was having a girl pow-wow in the ladies room with two friends (skipping a class by accident due to the emotional mess), and I was bitching about the professor’s unrealistic expectations…didn’t realize the associate dean had come in to pee. Oops. She was super nice, though, so it’s all good.

I had to miss the TNG meeting tonight, though, which was unfortunate. My fear of driving in snow, combined with an exam in the AM and all these revisions for the other class just didn’t make it possible. I have *so much* work to do this week, it’s incredible. Eep.

I have an interview tomorrow for a summer internship, which is exciting. I’m hoping it will go well. I’m also planning on getting my nails done on Friday, possible a massage as well, and there is a random kink meetup on Saturday. These are the things I have to look forward to, and I’m focusing on them. Plus, the kink thing is in an accessible location this time, and is near a mall I was hoping to visit that day anyhow (if my group meeting gets out early), so it should work out well.

Welcome to February!

Steelers fans are ridiculous. Not that packers fans are better, but just it is so noticeable. It probably seems that way to me because while Indiana has the Colts, I’m not from the city where they play. I’m not used to living in a city that has a professional team. My hometown has hockey and baseball, but minor leagues. This is the big leagues now.

My interview went well, but I didn’t get a 2nd round callback. Kind of sucks, but since I didn’t want it before, I shouldn’t let myself be hurt. Instead, I should be happy that of the 15 that applied, I was one of the 4 interviewed (that’s not including the 95 – 8 apply – interview ratio for the summer program). So close, yet soooo far away.

Random craziness: a bill in AZ:

“Allow people to sue if they feel they were illegally stopped from carrying a firearm into a government facility or event. If a person wins the lawsuit and the government agency doesn’t pay within 72 hours, the person has the right to seize as payment “any municipal vehicles used or operated for the benefit of any elected office holder” in the relevant government agency.”

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/01/31/20110131arizona-gun-bill-aims-loosen-laws.html#ixzz1CxRqyYzp

So…you can just take your rep’s car. Because that will totally be the same as getting a settlement, and will definitely speed the bureaucratic process up. Hah.

And, of course, have to mention a kinky thing. This will be the first in 3 weeks with no masochistic release. I’m bummed about it, but I hate asking to play. I also have no car, so I can’t really facilitate things easily. Lame.

I DID get validation today, though, in that my super-difficult professor game some kudos to work I’ve been doing. I have a lot more to do in that class, but it made me feel better to get positive feedback from someone who is so hard to please.