SL Letter of the Day – Great Quote

Savage Love brilliance…

Open relationships are great—ahem—but they’re not for everyone. Some folks aren’t built to share a sex partner, don’t want to share, and consequently shouldn’t share. We’re talking sex partners here, CIC, not large pizzas or pot stashes—a reluctance to share is not evidence of a character flaw.

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/09/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-modern-love

8/26

First, on the buggy note: it wasn’t bedbugs, it was fleas. While better in that they are somewhat easier to eradicate, they also transmit disease, so that’s not great. It took 21 loads of laundry to wash everything fabric I own. After that, vacuuming, and a flea bomb, I’m hoping my room is safe. The rest of our apartment is still unknown. God save me from the fleas. In the meantime, I have new pillows and a new comforter, and everything I own is clean (yay options!). This also was a good push to buy mattress protectors to keep me from getting bedbugs in the future.

For a quick update: Life is good. Work is picking up, but only marginally so. I’m set to go to the war zone the second half of October. I’m a little bummed to miss Halloween, but it should be ok. I’ve realized that my boss isn’t exactly great at his job, so that’s a bit strange. It’s going to get tricky soon enough, trying to do quality work to impress the bigger boss without showing up the immediate one. Ugh. But, I have training soon, and that’s exciting too. Taking training makes me feel like I’m taking concrete steps to better myself and advance my career, so I’m trying to get as much as I can while I’m in this job.

Otherwise, I’ve gotten even closer to some vanilla friends which is great. I met some new people and have been seeing them more, which is also great. The positive energy of these people is awesome. I got to see Cirque de Soleil, which was amazing. I got to catch up with the old roommates, and that was also very refreshing. We did a color personality profile – I’m Blue dominant and Red secondary. This means I’m motivated by intimacy.

These are the do-gooders. Intimacy: connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful.

Reds are motivated by power, “Power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.”  Blue and red are innately in conflict, because one seeks acceptance and the other approval, which are contradictory in nature. One seeks to share intimate details, the other seeks to hide intimate details. It was very interesting and insightful. Try it here: color code personality test.

So, while some things have been pretty good, I’ve had a lot of negative energy in my life the last few weeks as well. Aside from the fleas and relative discontent at work, some of my friends have been dealing with extreme relational complications. I take on the emotions of those around me a lot more than most, and it deeply bothers me for those I care about to be unhappy. I spent a lot of time trying to cheer other people up and listening to their issues, and the negative energy kind of seeped into me.

Thing is, I’m not big on being the center of attention, and while I can enjoy attention paid me, I don’t like all eyes on me especially during moments of vulnerability. I guess more specifically, I don’t like verbal acknowledgment or reminders that eyes are on me. If I’m in the throes of climax, I don’t want to hear spectators commenting on it, or on any part of the interaction. Even more, if there are any notes of negativity in those comments, the moment is entirely ruined for me.

This weekend, the negativity brought me down for a bit. I’m tired of people trying to make me jealous or mess with my head. Really, I need to stop being so willing to listen to other people’s issues. I don’t mind trying to be there for my friends, but sometimes what they are discussing intertwines too closely with things in my life and ends up leading to comparisons. I don’t want to be forced into situations where I’m putting my relationships and encounters side by side with someone else’s – it never ends well.

Basically, I need to learn either learn how to tell people to shut it, how to detach when listening to others, or how to minimize the time spent with people who bring me down.

7/8

Well, I’m on my first “official” business trip, even though it’s just for training. It’s strange, I have a whole hotel room to myself, which I’m not used to at all. It does make me feel grown up, though. I’m excited for this training – I get to shoot guns and learn driving tricks. Now, if I could shake this headache and nausea before having to do a forced skid from going backwards at 45mph, that’d be great.

On a similar note, looks like I’ll be going to the war zone a lot sooner than anticipated. I guess I was still skeptical that I’d have to go at all, but they’re saying early Fall now. After hearing the financial benefits of going longer term, I’m not as concerned as I was before, but it’s still dangerous. I’m not sure how I’ll handle myself in such a stressful environment, but if ever there was a time to go do something dangerous, now is it.

In other related job things, a guy at work asked me out last week. I’m a bit pissed off about it, actually, because really? Who asks someone out after they’ve been there 2 weeks?! It’s frustrating, because now it has the potential to be really awkward for the rest of my time working there. I’d like friends at work, but dating someone at work is risky. If it were a contractor and I was very interested, maybe, but it’d have to be someone pretty damn spectacular for me to go for it. I went online that night and realized the guy is on OkCupid and had viewed my profile, and that definitely could be part of why he asked me. Thing is, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to date everyone.

After that, I started considering deleting my OkC profile. I’m a bit overcommitted right now between varying groups of friends, kinky play arrangements, and dating. I don’t have a lot of time for another person in my schedule. If it were a new kinky person, I’d probably make time, but OkC people are not usually kinky people. (And if you read this regularly you know how bad I am at identifying when they are…)

It’s funny though, because one of my vanilla friends met a kinky guy I know, and definitely thought it was an OkC connection. Apparently when asked how we met, kinky guy said “out in DC,” which is normally vanilla guy’s code for an online date. I couldn’t really explain any better, so I think I seemed bizarrely vague to vanilla friend. Oh well. As one friend said recently, telling people about my kink is kind of addictive. Once you’re out to one friend, it’s easier to come out to others, sometimes when you might be better off witholding that information. It was an interesting 4th of July though, mixing a kinky person into my vanilla group. It was nice, actually, because it wasn’t an issue at all. I only know a few kinky folks who would fit in with my ‘nilla friends, and it’s so much simpler when they do.

In a last note on dating, I think I’ve determined that at this point, kink is a necessity in my relationships. I’m enjoying myself too much for it not to be. I’d scale it back for the right person, but I like attending classes and workshops, and seeing my kinky friends, going to parties, etc. It’s fun. It lets me explore. As a result, next time I see vanilla date dude, I’m going to need to clarify some shit. Hopefully that will go smoothly.

I’ve also been thinking a lot more about polyamory lately. I really just don’t know how I feel about it. On many levels, I’m fine with people loving as they want, and all that jazz. On other levels, I want to be the priority, the primary. I want to be special and different – yes, more important – than the other people my partner may play with. I wish I was a less possessive person, but honestly, after my childhood that had long periods of emotional neglect, I’m admittedly more insecure. I can trust someone not to physically harm me relatively quickly, but to trust someone enough to believe they aren’t going to take advantage of/betray my trust, well, that takes a lot more effort.

I did promise some more details about Fusion in an earlier post, so I can delve a bit more in depth here. One of the things I did that was new for me was make out with a girl. I love kissing, but I’ve kissed more bad kissers than good ones (note: eating my face is not hot). This woman in particular was a great kisser, and it was definitely different than with a guy – softer, and somehow easier to be agressive. Another experience for me was masturbating around other people. I got myself off in a group setting – two other women were masturbating, another was watching, and two men were watching/participating in various fashions. It was late, dark, a little chilly and damp. It was also really hot. I’ve never watched porn, really, but watching people in real life is sexy. It’s been nice to branch out a bit and be more open to playing sexually in public. The next day, I did a heavy S/m scene in the dungeon in just my panties, which was a new level of exposure for me as well. (I also hit subspace harder than I think I ever have, which was kind of awesome. I came from this guy punching my ass…yes, in some conditions, I’m most definitely a pain slut.)

Since Fusion, I’ve been able to play a bit more with rope which has been fun. I did a scene that was a lot rougher and included rope, which was uber-hot. I hit subspace from that as well, which is always a bit strange. I get in this headspace where I really would do anything or take anything, I think, if it pleased the person I was playing with. Everything becomes pleasurable and I can’t even think. And then I climax, and proceed to shake for about an hour or two with aftershocks.

To sum this up on yet another unrelated note, I think I may write another erotic story soon. I had some inspiration about the potential for a drive-in movie or road trip. Basically,  I have an idea for how to be bound in a particular way inside a car, and then combine that with some good ol’ orgasm denial and teasing with some minor exhibitionism. On the one hand, I feel like my short erotic stories all have the same themes and thus are boring, but if I add more character depth I end up writing way too much. I need to find some form of balance.