Randomness.

Life is mostly going quite well, minus work today. It’s ironic, because my friend just mentioned an insight I had forever ago about how it’s much easier and more liberating to submit to one person since then you don’t have to submit to everyone. I kind of forgot I’d written about that. Thing is, that’s really at the root of my cravings for some power exchange, I think, especially relating to work.

Specifically, I’m trying so hard to do my best and please people, but my manager doesn’t give me any rules or boundaries to do so. As a result, now all these other people that I should be pleasing aren’t all happy, but I don’t know what to do to fix it, it isn’t my fault when I had no way of knowing how to do so, and yet I still feel guilty and upset that I’m not what they want me to be (or arguably what I should be). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t massively screw things up or anything, but there are little things that I could have done better and didn’t know until it was too late. I want to be the best at what I do, but I can’t do that without guidance. Anyhow, I really want to just focus on pleasing one person, on obeying and submitting to his will, and knowing clearly what boundaries exist and whether or not I’ve crossed them.  Someday.

On to all the positives!

First, I know many people aren’t religious at all, but I do believe in a higher power. Getting that out there. Over the holidays and in the new year, I’ve put a huge focus on getting my finances in shape. It isn’t that they were out of shape before, so much as I want to budget better, save more, put more away for retirement, and eliminate any debt I have control over. (In that I don’t have control over student loan debt because it’s large and I’m working on public service repayment, but car loans, credit card bills, etc. I control.) I had this nagging stress because of my stupid credit card bill and no immediate or quick way to pay it down. Then, I did my taxes…and POOF! My return is almost EXACTLY what I need to pay them off! It’s amazing! To me, it feels something like a miracle for the level of relief it provides. I feel like my prayers were answered, and it’s awesome.

Second, Rapture was this past weekend and it was fabulous. I didn’t do many scenes, which fit my mood, but I did get to play with two of my very good friends. I feel like lately playing with folks has been more ridden with anxiety, stress, and worry than with pleasure, and it’s amazing what playing with friends changes. Namely, there’s no anxiety, worry, or stress, just pleasure. I can relax. I trust them, and I can just enjoy it. Plus, both people are great at the whole shit-eating-grin-sadist thing, making it all the better. Actually, in one scene, some random guy from the party popped in and interrupted us with “I just bust a nut!” taking me completely off guard and making me crack up, then later another friend made all of us dissolve into hysterical laughter. So much fun. I really just do better only playing with people I know very, very well. Not a surprise, per se, but annoying when I’d love to be the type of person who could play with anyone at will.

Another Rapture-related thing – I’m now training to be a DM. It means more work at parties, but I don’t mind. I learned during our first training session that I know a lot more about rope and safety than the average kinkster. I’m going to be compiling a list of safety points to share with the other monitors.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with new experiences lately too. I went to an Indian cooking class with a friend, which was fun and informative. Raw meat is disgusting, lentils are amazing, and I need to master spices. I also had Korean food for the first time and did karaoke with a group of mostly new friends. I always forget how much I love singing until I do it for a while. I’m also working on slowly building my spice tolerance so I can enjoy spicy food; hopefully one of these days I can avoid being the one to order mild everything.

Other random thoughts of the week:

  • It is really important to recognize and acknowledge the importance of your friendships with others. Moreover, knowing whether or not your love for another person makes it worth changing behaviors for them is vital but extremely difficult.
  • Yes, I’m type A. The satisfaction I get from planning things and executing them well, looking at a full calendar, crossing things off lists, and organizing my junk is unmatched. I hate how easy it is to be ashamed of these habits. When I embrace them, I’m much happier.
  • Being Type A doesn’t mean you can’t be submissive…it just means there’s more benefits there for the Dominant partner, should he choose to make use of them. It also often makes me that much more inclined to submit.
  • It’s wrong of me to stereotype groups of people by assuming they are going to stereotype me. Assume = ass out of u and me.
  • Despite all the progress and growth of the past few years, I still frequently fail at flirting. Unfortunate, that.

9/23

In an update…

Have been in training for work for the last two weeks, and got to do some fabulous networking. We did some fun exercises that reminded me why I love the field I’m in. Honestly, had I had this training earlier, I wouldn’t have been at such a loss the last few months. Now I feel like I’m very behind on everything I need to know for my current project. Such is life – you’re bored until you’re behind.

I’ve gone to a more events lately, and experimented a tiny bit more with rope topping. I’m much more curious about switching lately. I’ve also kind of worn myself out from kinky play-centric events. Pick up play just isn’t doing it for me anymore. If I know people at an event, that changes, but otherwise meh. With that, I went to a party last night that ended up being very chill and left me with the same feeling. I’m used to being busy, or being horny, but not so much the lonely. For some reason, I’ve been feeling the lonely more lately. I think it’s because I’d rather do more low-key, not-public event things, but since I’d still like to meet someone special I try to get out more than that. Ugh.

The overseas trip has been postponed a week, so now I will be missing Halloween. If anyone has book recommendations, please send them my way!

1-22

I feel a little bit like I’m leading a double life lately. I mean, I kind of am, but it’s been a bit more real. I have to alternate which group of friends to hang out with, and I can’t divulge details about one to the other. It really became noticeable this weekend. A lot of my female vanilla friends keep encouraging me to get together with one of our male vanilla friends. It gets tricky because I do have some feelings for this guy, but he’s as vanilla as they come and he leans more s-type anyhow. I’m not to the point where I feel comfortable saying I can go without kink or without at least talking openly about it in a relationship, but nor am I at the point where I think it is a necessary thing either… I don’t know. I’m just not ready to risk a solid friendship, especially added to the fact that we are in classes and everything together too. I can’t explain the kinky reasoning or this dilemma to the friends pressuring me, so they don’t get why I’m not going for it. Seriously, it gets messy and I don’t have time for drama.

That aside, I’ve realized that I have issues with authority. I find this highly ironic given my intense attraction to authoritative figures. Thing is, I’m a skeptical person. I don’t just accept what I’m told – I question and figure out for myself whether or not to agree or accept things. I like to make up my own mind. Once someone has proven themselves knowledgable or essentially just gained my respect, I fully defer to their authority and I love having it there. I just don’t accept it as easily initially as most people. This translates into my BDSM interactions too. Basically, I’m not going to defer to someone who isn’t worthy of it or whom I can’t respect.

I keep warring between accepting and reveling in my masochism and kind of shying away and hiding it. It’s so complicated. I experienced my first cutting scene (which was horrifying and exhilarating), and I can’t wait to do it again. On some levels, I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how much pain I can endure and enjoy, and I’m excited that people want to hurt me. I want to show off my marks and play with pain. But then, at the same time, I’m worried I’m going to seem too extreme and scare off potential partners. I don’t want to be too extreme, or considered even freakier among the kinky community. I don’t know, my brain gets too confused about it sometimes. I don’t like being outside society’s norms, and I feel like my masochism pushes me even farther out than most of my kinky interests.

Random, but we have a 2 hour delay for work tomorrow. I’ll have to skip some lunches or something to make up for it if I want the money, but the extra sleep will be worth it. Since I start earlier than 9 normally, it’s even more sleep for me! I guess I’ll have to head out at 10:15am, which pretty much makes my day.

I was supposed to go dancing on Saturday night, and my friends flaked. I still got to hang out with some great people, but still it kind of was a kill joy. I realized that I don’t have people down for adventure around DC. My friends are fun and no matter what we do, I enjoy it. Occasionally, I can convince people here to do something random and different. Thing is, I’m used to at least having one person always down for a last minute road trip or dancing or snow tubing or something. I understand getting tired and introverted, or wanting there to be more people involved, but it’s nice to have one person who’s always up for it. I’m spoiled because last year I had that person, and this year she’s back in Pittsburgh. I need to figure out who that person here can be.

1/15

I’m about to crash (4 hours of sleep will do that), but it’s been a great few days. Rapture was a huge success! I did my first cutting, which was frightening but enjoyable. I got great cuddle time with a variety of folks…I like to snuggle, and I’m good at it. I experienced a double dragon tail, which made me cry. Not just tear up either, but cry real, dripping-down-my-face tears. It was incredibly cathartic. I unexpectedly made arrangements for DO:Winter Fire, which is comforting since I was really nervous about attending alone (and exciting, since I really like the folks I’ll be staying with). I also met a ton of new people, and hopefully some will evolve into fun scenes in the future.

Right now, though, sleep is upon me. It’s just kind of funny because even after all that pain, and through loving the pain from my marks/welts even now, I just want more. It’s kind of what I feared would happen, which I might write about later, but basically the more I have, the more I want to push myself and my limits and the hotter the whole experience is. For the record, I still find that incredibly disturbing.

*Edited* So, definitely slept through the night and woke up 14 hours later. Turns out pain can take a bit out of you. I realized though (in the midst of watching photos of folks’ orgasmic bliss crop up) that despite my utter enjoyment of Rapture, I did not do anything overtly sexual the entire time. While some of the play certainly evoked a sexual reaction, there’s really just a certain attitude, comfort, and intimacy I need with a person in order to truly sexually react and get into the proper headspace to do something more than kinky play.

2011 Recap and 2012 Vanilla Resolutions

Best parts of last year:

  • Going whitewater tubing and flatwater tubing at Harpers Ferry
  • Visiting Old Town Alexandria and Annapolis multiple times with some of my favorite DC folks
  • Getting my summer internship exactly where I want; winning the Friedman award and being able to accept the internship I wanted over the summer in DC
  • Placing in top 5 for the social analytix case competition this spring
  • Finalizing my apprenticeship and finding a job I absolutely love; more importantly, discovering what I’m good at and what things are essential to have present in my future career
  • Getting involved in the DC kink community, including attending my first play parties with special recognition for Rapture and DC Rope people
  • Rocking out at optimization, linear programming, and learning to master Excel; finding things I excel at
  • Spending spring break in Gulf Shores and New Orleans with wonderful people
  • All the time spent with family (Boston, Indiana, Arkansas, Ohio)
  • Throwing myself into the real world and putting myself out there in terms of dating, relationships, and men; gaining confidence in my ability to attract men
  • Going to Harvard for a conference, attending the ARPA-E conference in DC, getting published (even if just as a co-writer of a conclusion)
  • Making amazing friends in the Pittsburgh Kink community and at CMU
  • Seeing capitol steps, my first opera, the Pittsburgh symphony, Les Mis, and other really fun art events
  • Getting my health on track – lost 40lbs from December ’10 to December ’11, and got in overall better shape
  • Discovering and exploring my masochism, becoming more comfortable with my kink, and learning more about where my boundaries are in terms of relational roles and power exchange

2012 Vanilla Resolutions:

  • Find a full-time, post-graduation job
  • Graduate with my Masters…this should be a no-brainer.
  • Line up recommendation letters/references from graduate school professors
  • Incorporate forecasting, simulations, or scoring models into our systems project (didn’t happen, but opportunity passed)
  • Join a profession organization and attend an event; alumni groups from undergrad/sorority do count
  • Learn how to do macros and refresh on pivot tables in Excel
  • Organize addresses/phone numbers/passwords
  • Write/call/email friends at least once per month
  • Practice my french to recapture proficiency
  • Travel to at least one new destination (hopefully more than one, and include an overseas location)
  • Exercise in some way at least three times a week
  • Continue to work on involving friends (or finding new ones to involve) in active things, such as hiking/long walks/kayaking/tennis/dancing. Concrete goal: Do an activity like this at least once per month until graduation, more frequently after.
  • Drink more water, 4+ glasses a day
  • Write at least two more short (erotic) stories
  • Learn more about photography and work on developing a photorama of DC


I got balls!

Not really, but figuratively yes.

I went to TNG-Baltimore last night, and it was great. First off, I’m apparently only 45 minutes from Baltimore, and even during peak times travel goes quickly. Second, Baltimore is *gorgeous.* I dragged my roommates along so they could do dinner and sketch, aka so they could help me navigate and lend me courage. It was a little awkward since neither of them is into kinky things, but they were relatively cool about it.

The event itself started out how they always do for me, with me being rather cripplingly shy, finding someone I recognize, and desperately trying to stretch out conversation with that person. Then, I move on and interrupt another person’s night with a random introduction. I then progress with whatever happens.

This actually worked out well at the TNG event, only I met so many people it’s a tad overwhelming. I remember most people’s names, but I don’t know their fetlife names, and we’ll see how long I can remember. I met some women who I’m surprisingly similar to, a few girls that were similar to a few Pittsburgh friends, and a few guys who seemed friendly too. There were only two people who made me feel uncomfortable, and they didn’t linger. There were a few folks I would have liked to talk more to or introduce myself to, but alas, it didn’t happen. I didn’t want to linger too late and keep the roommates waiting, so I ended up leaving right as I got comfortable with a group of people. There was some cuddling, though, which made the day a success.

I also just registered for rope camp. I only signed up for a day pass, and I’ll probably end up going on the Saturday (the classes on Friday look better, but I don’t want to not be there on my last day of my internship). It took a lot for me to actually register, since I don’t have a rope top to attend with. I’d feel more comfortable bringing along a friend to practice with, or at least knowing more people attending. I know three people going, none of them exceptionally well. But, for a day, I can always just sit in on classes and watch others play if I don’t find someone for myself. I’m committed now, though.

Now on to more adventures. Next week will either be the Pirate Munch, Baltimore’s Rope Bite, or Dark Odyssey – or, if I’m really up to it, maybe even more than one!

Plus, I’m going to see Harry Potter 7:2 and I’m going tubing this weekend. It’s going to be a good weekend :).