Kinky Book Reviews

Bonds of Trust by Lynda Aicher

This is the first of a series surrounding the owners at a club. This particular book is about a woman in her early 40s, recently divorced, who is pursuing sexual freedom and fun for the first time in her life. These quotes stuck out to me as representing a dynamic I’d like to have, or as being especially hot or provoking.

  • “She glanced down, his sharp gaze just a bit too insightful for her to handle at the moment. ‘Look at me, Cali.’ There it was. That calm command that had her inhaling against the flash of burning desire rushing through her system.”
  • “The slight pressure of Master Jake’s hand at the small of her back kept her grounded.”
  • “Cali’s hand came up to grip Jake’s forearm, but she didn’t stop his slow, sensual movements over her stomach. It was as if she were searching for something to hang on to, to keep her grounded. And she’d reached for him. Good.” —> This is why I like it when a man maintains physical contact while hurting or dominating me.
  • “‘Don’t,’ he commanded, his grip flexing on her sides. ‘Don’t hide what you’re feeling for me. I want to hear everything. Every sound, every moan, every desire you feel. Understand?'” –> I need this type of encouragement, as I’m really quiet/tend to hold back noises with people.
  • “She felt no shame in begging. Not with him. He would give her what she craved. It was so freeing to be able to ask for what she desired and know she’d get it.”

Bonds of Need by Lynda Aicher

This book was about another partner in owning a BDSM club and a girl with an abusive ex. She’s trying to suppress her masochism because of her negative experiences with pain in the past.  There was a lot that rung true to me in this book, but only one quote that stood out above all others:

There is no pleasure in being beaten. That’s an act of violence. And I would never be violent toward you. No real Dom would. The pleasure comes in submitting and trusting. In finding release in the freedom you get from letting go. The pain only heightens the feelings, releases the endorphins and reaffirms the trust you’ve given away.

Exactly.

Bonds of Desire by Lynda Aicher

This third book involves the third male partner of the BDSM club, and his interactions with a male switch and a female submissive. The female submissive is a control-freak attorney who is afraid of being submissive like her mother, and is brand-new to kink. The male switch was a gay whore who ended up essentially raped, and has terrible self worth. It was definitely interesting, hot, and a dynamic different than most I’m used to. There was only one quote that spoke to me, and it involved being touched by the Dom. He had a tendency to firmly grip the back of the male switch’s neck, which instilled a sense of comfort and submission. Regarding that:

Just one touch, right there, and all of the tension dripped from him, leaving behind nothing but calm compliance. Right now, he would do whatever the Dom wanted. Anything.

There are two other books in this series that I haven’t read yet, and I think more are on the way. I highly recommend them all.

Slowly Incorporating Submission

A couple of things have been on my mind lately, as a result of different conversations and photos and things.

First, I can’t stop thinking about chains, handcuffs, and cages. Rope is great, but it has been over a year since I’ve been bound tightly enough that I couldn’t escape. As a result, while I still love it, I think I’m comfortable with it. I still feel like I can escape. Metal bondage doesn’t allow for that, which is frightening but also appealing.

The more I think about D/s, the more I get nervous. In books, Dominants are great about sensing when a submissive is nervous or afraid and tailoring their approach. I’ve never met anyone who was that observant. I’ve never had a Dom comfort me or talk me into a submissive headspace.

If I’m going to submit to someone on a deeper level, I need to build trust. Everyone emphasizes trust, which is great, but how do you build trust other than giving it time? How does someone assert control in small ways to build that trust?

I’ve been trying to think about ways to do that. One, I think service is a great way to do this. Bitch make me a sammich isn’t really the hottest or best way to exchange power, but little requests/commands like that change focus. In the book I’ve been reading, the Dom forces his potential sub to make eye contact, to answer questions immediately and without hiding. In my mind, introducing rules early on would help. I think it’d be best to have vanilla sex before kinky sex (or at least, mostly vanilla – no toys/bondage, but power dynamics ok). That said, even before that, a couple can establish some sexual tension and D/s dynamics.

For example, when we spend time together, he can require I ensure my legs are spread a certain amount to be available to him. I can be relegated to the floor. Maybe he’d have me kneel until I ask to sit differently – ways of forcing me to ask him for something. In ways like that and others, he can force me to acknowledge my submission and the fact that with that comes communicating all my needs, comforts, etc. to him.

My inclination is to endure or suffer in silence. I don’t make a lot of noise during play, and I don’t like asking for help or depending on others. D/s is all about enabling a submissive to depend on her Dom for order. If I want a D/s dynamic to work, I need to have honesty/communication/vocalizing drilled in early on. Thankfully, those are things that can happen with less sex, so they can happen earlier on in a relationship.

Thing is, do I bring that up with a potential Dom? Do we sit down and have a conversation about how to build trust/control? I mean, really, wtf is the protocol here?

Someone I was talking to did bring up an interesting point about pride, though. I mentioned how begging is difficult for me because it makes me feel like others will view me as weak or needy (but also how it’s super hot). He asked if thinking of begging as a submissive act that shows how good a submissive I am would help. I think it would, actually. If I had a Dom who encouraged begging, who acknowledged it and praised me for doing it – even if not giving me whatever I’m begging for – I think it would be a helluva lot more doable on my end.

I’ll do a lot to please my partner. If begging pleases him, and he makes it a positive act and not a degrading one, then I think I could take pride in it. I think, too, it would help to know that asking isn’t futile. I will vocalize a lot more if I know it won’t be futile or punished, like it has been in other aspects of my life.

Why do I like being hit?

Someone asked me this today, and it made me think a lot on why I enjoy pain. I hadn’t visited the subject in a while, so it took some processing. Here’s my general thoughts on the matter.

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with pain, and it definitely depends on the purpose/context. Where did it come from? Probably, like my desire for submission, from some combination of things in my past that involved me having to maintain strict control over myself, my emotions, — too deep and not pertinent. The real question here is – Why do I choose to engage in behaviors that involve me receiving pain? A variety of reasons:

  1. Emotional release. I find it difficult to let go and cry sometimes, even when I really need to. Pain can provide an excuse to cry without feeling like I’m being irrational. It’s a catalyst, of sorts. I’ve found stingy pain gets me to this point much more quickly, but isn’t always as satisfying.
  2. Focus. I find it hard sometimes to stop thinking and just feel. Pain makes me think of only it, the person administering it, and what’s happening in the moment between us. That, in turn, allows me to just feel and enjoy things instead of over-thinking them. Additionally, if I’m really stressed or anxious about something, pain is something else I can’t help but focus on instead. (So is submitting in general, with or without pain.)
  3. Challenge. I like pushing myself, and seeing what my body can do.
  4. Fun (ie sexy) endorphins. Pain in certain places, from certain implements, with certain people can get me off in and of itself. Namely, thuddy pain in the ass region with someone I am attracted to, or any type of pain to the nipples with someone I’m attracted to, or rough body play/biting with someone I’m attracted to (notice the trend there?).
  5. Control. Pain is a physical manifestation of power exchange. Every spank can reemphasize that I am submitting to this person, that I am letting them have control over me, that I trust them not to harm me and to stop if need be. It hurts, but I’m letting them do so because it pleases them, which satisfies a deeper mental submissive desire on my end. If they enjoy hurting me, then I’ll get off on it all the more.

I am not an exhibitionist at all. I will go to public events when I know many people going in order to hang out with friends, to take a class, to play with specific equipment, or for the safety element with a newer partner. When I first got involved in the DC scene, I was much more open to casual/pick-up play, so I went out a lot. I learned quickly though that most of my motivations for play stem from deeper desires – D/s, personal expression, sexual – and I’m not very comfortable doing those things with strangers or in public. Because of that, I think 2 and 3 above are the only motivations that ever really came out in the public-playspace type setting. Maybe 4, in rarer instances.

Since that realization, I’ve only played with S&m things a handful of times. (This is also because things like 1 and 5 require much deeper trust and people who are willing to take care of what they break down, which is harder to find and do in shorter instances or with people you’re not in an ongoing relationship with.) All of the above still applies, I’ve just been much choosier in how I engage in those activities.

Submissive Shortcoming

I’ve wondered a lot about why my dating interactions with “Dominant” men always seem to fail. On the surface, it’s been obvious (distance, one of us is less into the other, etc). I’ve always wondered, though, if it was just that I got so nervous that I wasn’t really being myself. Maybe, had I been my normal, slightly snarky, bubbly self instead of shy, quiet, and totally acquiesing, they would’ve been more into it. A conversation with a friend tonight is leading me to believe that in fact, maybe it hasn’t worked because of who my normal self is.

It’s frustrating. I’ve always been nervous and afraid that more dominant men will rule me out as an option because I’m very type A and generally have my shit together in day-to-day life. I’m shy with new people, but otherwise, I’m outgoing and energetic. I have a lot of energy, am not afraid to ask questions, and I lack much of a filter. Dominant men frequently just have this flirtatiously commanding persona they embody around submissive females (usually the quiet, more timid types), and they almost never act like that with me. Really, the ones that do tend to be the very experienced men or women, oftentimes “old guard” folks or those over 35/40. (Random, but part of why black rose appeals to me a lot is that most of the people I’ve met in that group tend to be of that “old guard” mindset, and don’t immediately disregard my submissive potential.)

I’m not submissive with everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less submissive. I have opinions, and I’m a planner and taking charge doesn’t frighten me. I’m capable of managing, both myself and others, but that doesn’t make me any less obedient to those with authority above me. I’m not totally new and inexperienced, but there’s a lot I have to learn and I’m very willing to be taught.

I’m strong, but I’m willing, able, and in fact sometimes near desperately desire to submit to someone else’s will. People never seem to see it. My closest friends see it, but potential partners never do. I’m a people pleaser. I will go out of my way to make sure those around me succeed, are happy, and have what they need. I will use all of my passion, energy, and enthusiasm to effectively serve my partner. It just takes me a bit longer to get there.

I can’t act like that with anyone. For me, it takes a great deal of trust. We have to have fun together, get along as friends, and have physical chemistry. I have to respect you, your actions, and the decisions you make. If you start taking a stronger/more commanding tone with me, I’ll respond to it. You’ll notice my starting to look out for your desires more and more.

And really, if you take that commanding, flirtatiously dominant persona with me from the beginning and you’ve establish some quick initial respect, you’ll generally be able to see the change in my reactions to you.

I guess I just wish men would see the potential behind the day-to-day self, and would be willing to take on someone who is maybe a bit more of a challenge, or at least is more teasing in nature. I want men to take on a more commanding air in my presence.

Book Review: If Only by Cherise Sinclair

If Only by Cherise Sinclair

This is the eighth book in the Master of the Shadowlands series, and it was equally as awesome as the others. Synopsis from Amazon:

After the last fiasco, Sally gives up. She’ll never find a Dom of her own. Instead the computer whizz is job hunting in between bending the law–just a bit–to unearth the bastards who’d enslaved her friends. The clueless cops and Feds obviously need her help.  FBI special agents, Galen and Vance, have waited to play with Sally for a long time. When the mischievous submissive returns to the exclusive Shadowlands BDSM club after an ugly relationship, the experienced co-tops are more than pleased. Realizing she’s suppressing deep-seated emotions, the powerful Doms push her–only to find that her sassiness conceals a scarred and vulnerable heart.  Shaken by the unexpected emotional exposure, Sally flees the demanding Masters and the Shadowlands. And that should be the end of that, since both Galen and Vance have reasons not to seek a long-term relationship, especially with a submissive who doesn’t want what they can give. But when a brutal attack by her ex-Dom sends Sally into their home, the two agents are driven to protect her. To help her. To take her under command. Falling in love isn’t in the plans. But the little imp brings light into their lives, and just as they begin to want more, they discover she’s hacked into an organization that delights in burning people alive. Now more than hearts are on the line, and Sally’s submission could save her life.

I really enjoyed this book. Mystery, romance, BDSM – what’s missing? I related to the main character a good deal as well. For years, she’s played in the scene but no one ever realized she never let people see her emotions. These two Doms step up and force her to face her emotions, wants, and needs, and to vocalize them. I am much better than I used to be about that, but I still have a great deal of difficulty vocalizing my emotions or desires. Similar to the main character, I was raised in situations that trained me to never show weakness. If I expressed my pain, fear, etc., I was made to regret it pretty quickly. As such, trusting others to hear the truth and not punish me (even in a passive agressive way) is really difficult. More than that, it’s my nature now to not share, and it isn’t my consciously choosing not to, I just honestly forget to because I don’t feel like people care enough to know.

Realistically, I’ve rarely had a partner notice or seem to care that I wasn’t sharing deeper emotions, so that has kind of validated my insecure thoughts about people not caring. Someday, though, I want to be find someone who wants to be in my head. He’ll force me to vocalize and share with him, because without doing so he can’t understand me enough to know how far to push. He’ll notice if I don’t volunteer emotional responses.

Again, I’m not as bad as the character in this book, and I’m better than I used to be. I do have some people I talk to now, whereas I used to not open up to anyone. I like to think I’m looking out for my own needs enough now to discuss them. It’d be nice, though, for a Dom to call me on my tendency to hide deep thoughts.

Aside from that, I loved this quote – she’s in my head!

Favorite Quote:

“Don’t you hate that? When you give them the right to command, and they don’t?” Sally shook her head. “Would you believe one man put nipple clamps on me… and the second I squawked, he took them right off. No Dom cookies for that wussy.” But her Feds… her majorly dominating Feds would earn an entire box of chocolate chip cookies. “Oh man, I think I did a scene with that wimp. Totally forgettable.” Maxie slouched back on the leather couch. “Last month, Master Sam put clamps on me. When I whimpered, his eyes lit up, and he tightened them until I was up on tiptoes.” She gave a happy sigh. “There’s no one like a Master.”

This is why I hate when Tops ask me if I like it. I want someone to react to my fear and pain by tightening/hurting me more, and I want his eyes to light up from the desire he feels at inflicting such pain on me.

Kinky Book Club

I lead a group on Fetlife for my local area. Some months I’m a more active organizer than others, but the goal of the group is to unite kinky folk to participate in vanilla activities. We went snow tubing and ice skating, have had happy hours and munches, went on photo hikes, and attended stand up comedy shows, karaoke, and the renaissance faire. Most of the regular attendees are people I know and care about, and it’s sort of a way to hang out with my friends while also occasionally bringing in new people. It works. Anyhow, I’ve decided to try to initiate a book club. I want to read more, and I like talking about the books I’m reading. I thought it’d be really interesting to have people who could and may also want to talk about kink. There are some psychology books I love, but I always bring my kinky curiosity to the topic, so ‘normal’ book clubs aren’t always the best thing for me.

I wanted to create a Goodreads list for these books, but I also don’t want to out my kink to my vanilla friends on there. So, in the meantime, here’s a list of books I think would be good for a book club comprised of people in alternative lifestyles. Genres vary, but all could relate back to sex, motivation, desire, etc.

If you have suggestions, or if you’ve read any of these and suggest others or have thoughts on them, please post them in the comments! I’d love to grow/revise this list.

November Arrives

Welcome to Fall, officially! Daylight savings time still throws me, having spent a good deal of life in a state that didn’t follow it. I like light in the mornings, but I miss light in the evenings. Such is life.

I welcomed fall with a party with many of my good friends.  I mixed several different friend groups, which worked surprisingly well. We baked lots of goodies – I now have a fabulous recipe for both deviled eggs and spinach dip – and drank lots of alcohol. I haven’t danced and had that much fun in a while. It was really great to see so many people I care about in one place. I forget sometimes, in my hatred of groups, that the point of parties is to see all the people you like in one place. I may need to have parties more frequently…

I had a couple of friends really show me how much they care. I was in some awkward situations romantically, and they sort of saved the day.

I’ve talked a lot to friends this week about some difficult dating situations. It’s hard. I want to find love and a partner to share my life with. I feel ready for that. At the same time, being single is better than settling. I need to feel excited to share my life with my partner, not worrisome.

Moreover, while D/s appeals and is of interest to me, I’m still working out how to build trust to have such a relationship. Fundamentally, I still want someone to be a partner in life with, to respect me and cherish me as I am. I am ok with sexual manipulation, but I don’t want someone to mind fuck me in everyday life. I don’t want someone to manipulate me into being codependent or surrendering control. I want open, honest communication, and as I care more about you and trust you more, as I submit to you more, my need and desire to please you will naturally increase. It doesn’t need to be manipulated further.

The problem is, if you’re unclear or vague in order to get me to need or think about you more, than I’m left unsure. Yes, I may think about you more, but it isn’t in a positive way. I want my partner to inspire and motivate me to be the best version of myself (and I the same to him), and if I’m constantly questioning your level of desire, affection, happiness, I can’t do that. Insecurity is not my best self. Make me secure, be open, and then I’ll think about you all the time in happy ways. I’ll want to go out of my way to make you happy.

On a totally separate note, I’m debating trying to participate in NaNoWriMo. I wouldn’t commit to 30,000 words, but I really want to write a new story, maybe more than one. The question really just goes back to what level of character development I want, how much romance v. kink, and are there are new themes I can bring into my writing?

101 Kinky Questions

Thanks to hispreciouspet (http://hispreciouspet.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/101-kinky-questions-answered-about-me/) for the questions.

I’m in a weird mood, so why not overshare to the anonymous abyss?

1. Have you ever slept naked?

Yes. I find, weirdly enough, that I get hotter when I sleep with no clothes than when I wear clothes. Because of that and the more practical issue of needing to use the shared bathroom in the middle of the night, I usually wear some form of pajamas.

2. Have you ever masturbated?

Of course.

3. What’s your bra size, or dick length?

38D

4. Where was your first time?

At this guy’s house, tied to his bed. It was the second time I’d hung out with him. I still don’t know why I was so ready to let it happen that way.

5. Have you ever gotten sexual with anything that wasn’t a person?

Yes. I use a couple of different toys regularly. When I was younger and didn’t own toys, I used toothbrushes, highlighters, and pillows for sexy fun times.

6. Have you ever shown anyone your body parts and asked advice?

I don’t think I’ve ever asked for advice about my body parts, but I’ve shown them to people.

8 . Do you prefer doing it in the dark or in the light?

I like mood lighting, but it doesn’t matter to me that much. If I’m into you enough to do it the lights aren’t on my mind. If I’m thinking about the lights, it isn’t going to be good sex.

9. What’s your greatest fantasy?

Being kept on edge for several hours, at least partly due to extended nipple teasing and/or torment. Having my desire used against me so that I will desperately serve my Dom’s desires (think lap dance, head, crawling). Add some bondage in there and you’ve got a hot time :).

10. Would you suck on anyone’s toes?

I wouldn’t seek it out, but if I was in a D/s dynamic and it made my Dom happy, I’d do it. If they were clean, of course, and he wasn’t being a dick about it.

11. Where do you think would be the weirdest place to have sex?

I’m not keen on the idea of having sex in a cemetery, that would skeeve me out a bit.

12. Would you have sex there? 

Maybe, but it would take a lot of convincing.

13. How old were you the first time?

22. I got a late start.

14. Would you ever have lesbian or gay sex?

I have received oral from a woman, but not given it. I don’t know that I could, it really grosses me out. Who knows though, things change.

15. What do you think the sexiest fruit is?

Bananas? I’m all for phallic references.

16. Would you ever have an orgy with the same-sex?

Maybe, see above grossed out by giving thing. If it was a group thing with same and opposite sex, maybe.

17. What and who turns you on?

This is the vaguest question ever. I’m turned on by humor, intelligence, chivalry, strength, dominance, assertiveness, bondage, pain, teasing, sensual touch…the list could go on. As for who, well, any number of people :).

18. Have your hands ever been down anyone’s pants?

Yup. I like the innocence of fondling in the pants.

19. What superstar would you have sex with?

Paul Rudd, Justin Bartha…god there are more, but I’m drawing blanks.

20. Have you or anyone else ever stuck anything down your pants?

Just their hands.

21. Have you ever had a dream about being gay or lesbian?

Nope.

22. Are you gay or lesbian?

Nope.

24. Have you ever made a guy get hard?

Yup.

25. Have you ever counted your pubic hairs?

Hell no, that’d be super tedious.

26. Would you rather be cute or sexy?

I think it depends on to whom. I’m going to cheat and say that I want to be with people who find cute sexy.

27. How many people would you have sex with at once?

Maybe another couple, or a couple of dudes at once… that’s probably it. I can be weirdly prudish. Now, having sex in the company of others but not WITH them, that may be a different answer.

28. Have you ever put on a strip show?

No, but I would, with the right audience.

29. Have you ever seen a strip show?

I saw a live sex show in Amsterdam, if that counts? I’ve also seen burlesque and pole dancing. I’ve never seen a legit strip show though.

30. Have you ever seen any of your friends naked?

Yes. I have friends I met in the kink scene, where nudity is common.

31. What’s your kinky fetish?

Power exchange, bondage, pain…basically all elements of BDSM.

32. Have you ever had a fantasy about a teacher?

No, actually. That’s a bit surprising in retrospect.

33. Have you ever had an orgasm?

Yep, thankfully.

34. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes, in a hot tub this summer at a kinky party, and in 4th grade. Not the same experience at all :).

35. Have you ever played with a condom?

Played, as in blew it into a balloon? Of course. As in sexual activity? When I’ve had sex, I’ve used them.

36. If you could be a spice what would it be?

Cardamon. Sweet and a tad spicy, intriguing, looked forward to, and holds dishes together.

37. Would you use objects in sex such as whips, hand cuffs, etc.?

Yes, please!

38. Have you ever tried on a condom?

I have no penis, so no.

39. Have you ever playfully spanked your lover?

Yes. I uncontrollably giggle when I spank people, though, so it’s not usually a go-to sex move.

40. If someone says “spank me” do you do it and get turned on?

I’d be sad that they weren’t doing it to me.

41. Have you ever worn your underwear two days in a row?

Yes, but I wouldn’t again.

42. Have you ever seen anyone’s dick?

Yep.

44. Have you ever took a piss standing up or squatting in the woods?

Yes, it’s challenging.

45. What was the weirdest place you have ever done something with someone?

I minimally fooled around in a movie theater, so maybe that?

46. What was the weirdest thing you have ever done to your b/f or g/f?

I’m kinky. Pretty sure most things I enjoy are weird to someone. I don’t know that I find any of it “weird.”

47. What was the lamest thing your b/f or g/f did for you or to you?

Can’t think of something.

48 . Have you ever wondered what position you would have sex in?

Honestly, I don’t think much about positions. I’m not having enough sex for that to be on my mind.

49. Have you ever used a vibrator on yourself or somebody else?

On myself, yes, on someone else, no.

52. Would you ever have sex in the ocean?

If it was private enough, yes.

53. Have you ever gotten sand up you? 

Not from fun activities. Not a fan of the idea, either.

54. Have you ever run or walked around your house nude?

Not my current home (roommates and windows facing an office building), but previous ones yes.

55. What do you wear to bed?

Usually some form of nightshirt, I have some long sleeved, long tshirt ones from Victoria’s Secret, some sexier nighties, and an old one from a department store. If I’m really cold or sharing space, I’ll wear pajama pants and a college tshirt.

56. Have you ever done anything with someone in your parents bed?

No, and I wouldn’t. Ew.

57. Would you ever consider rubbing hot oil or cream all over your guy or girl?

If my partner enjoyed massages, I would. Probably lotion before oil, though.

59. Have you ever used lubricant?

Yes.

61. Have you ever fingered yourself, got fingered before or fingered someone else?

Yes, yes, and no.

64. Have you ever given or received a hand job or blow job?

Yes to both.

66. Have you ever tasted cum or female juice?

Yes to cum, and yes if my own counts.

68. What does the number “69″ mean to you?

Double oral.

70. How old were you when you got your first real kiss? 

Maybe 18? Again, late bloomer.

72. Have you ever done anything with anyone in a pool, hot tub, or bath tub?

No.

74. Have you ever tied up or hand cuffed anybody?

Yes, I’ve tied someone up, and I’ve been both tied up and handcuffed.

77. Were you a witness to someone having sex?

Yes, kinky parties always have someone having sex.

80. Would you ever have phone sex?

I would, although it’d be super difficult since tlaking direty makes me really nervous.

81. Do you go by the rhythm of music?

If there is music, yes.

84. Would you ever have sex with your best friend or someone you don’t even know?

Not my current best friend, but friends change.

85. Do you find physical pain like spanking an element of good sex?

Yes.

86. Do you find older women or men attractive?

Older men, as in maybe 10-20 years, yes. More than that, no.

87. Would you rather have sex with or without a condom? 

Pregnancy scares the everliving shit out of me, so condoms are a must.

88. Who was the person you kissed that was the best?

The best? That’s a hard one. Maybe a guy I dated right after moving to DC, 2 years or so ago.

89. If you had a half an hour to spend with your b/f or g/f what would you do?

Depends how long it had been since we’d seen each other. If it’d been a while, talk and catch up with some kissing.

90. If you only had 20 minutes left to live what would you do?

Say goodbye to everyone that I could.

91. Which would you rather make out:A) On a stage in front of a lot of people you know? B) With your parents in the room?C) In front of an ex?

A.

95. What color is your hair (pubic)?

Dark brown.

98. Your love life is like which of these movies:

A) Something about Mary
B) Chasing Amy
C) My Girl 2
D) When Harry Met Sally
E) Fatal Attraction
F) Rated X (not for young viewers)

A or F.

99. Have you ever lost the keys to the cuffs or got stuck together?

No, thank heavens.

101. Would you do anyone on your blogroll? 

Don’t know enough about those folks to say one way or the other.

Revisiting Rules: The Why

I posted a week or so ago about how I like rules and structure in life, and how that permeates seemingly every aspect of my life. I realized today why that is, and how that impacts how I view myself. It’s amazing how 1) once you notice something about yourself, you see it everywhere and 2) one other person can give you so much insight about yourself.

So, I like rules, structure, and discipline. It’s what I value more than almost anything else. I realized – I had almost no discipline or structure in my family life or growing up. The only discipline I’ve had has been self-installed, provided through school, or from God (or my interpretation of my spirituality).

Creating and following my own standards and rules has given me the order I need to get through life successfully. Lately, I’ve been super stressed out, and I had a hellish week last week. I feel like I completely humiliated myself more than once at work, and then I got super strung out a couple of times this past weekend – high strung to a level I haven’t been in a while. I recognized that this weekend – that my inability to control things lately has made me a bit crazy, and my lack of kink or surrender has just further facilitated that – but tonight, it hit home even more.

After a date’s comment a few weeks ago, I started noticing that I have a tendency to act like a know it all, be stubborn, or speak before thinking in ways that overstep boundaries I feel are in place. Acting like a know it all with friends is something I thought I got past in middle school. Letting my impatience and stubbornness impact my ability to stay humble, respectful, and deliberate at work is something I thought I got through too, but I’ve messed that up. In the scheme of my losing my internal shit the last few weeks, I overstepped my self-imposed discipline, which I haven’t been able to let go. I disrespect myself and am so embarrassed for my lack of discipline in these work situations.

I know that while yes, at the exact moment of these incidents, people may have thought differently of me, but likely forgot it immediately following. I need to let it go. All I can do is know that this is a tendency, work to improve and forgive myself, and try to be as best a person as I can moving forward. I think I may discuss it with my immediate supervisor, just to ask him if he has any feedback on how I can manage those situations and if it’s in my head. I can apologize for being too opinionated or overstepping his management, and ask him to be honest if he feels I’ve done that.

Anyhow, more reason why sometimes, I think I’m too harsh on myself. I set up high standards, then sometimes lack discipline to follow them, and instead of being able to be punished and let it go, I harp on it over and over. Someday, I hope to find someone who can give guidance and instill structure in my life.

Back to Basics: Kinky

I went to the introductory kink night at our local dungeon this weekend. Originally I intended to take a newbie friend, but I ended up going because a man I met some time ago was hoping for a familiar face. I wasn’t sure what to expect for a few reasons: 1) I’m not a newbie, and I don’t need beginner lessons anymore, 2) I hadn’t been to the club in several months, and 3) I had no idea what dynamic was going to play out with the person I went with.

Overall, it was a good night. It was nice sort of watching and taking in all the kink stuff again. As per usual, I learned a few things that merited introspection.

First, I’m a know it all. I hate it about myself. I noticed it last night, and now I can’t stop noticing it. When I understand something, I take great joy in getting to share that knowledge. When someone asks me a question, it opens the door for all this (sometimes unwanted or unwarranted  information sharing. Basically, I need to watch carefully to make sure I don’t volunteer too much information, and I don’t give my opinion unless asked.

Second, I’m weird with naked people. I’ve known this, in that I’m much more modest than most, but I figured it out a bit. I don’t mind nudity at all if it’s with a lover or all that much if it’s a friend I know very, very well.  If it’s a stranger, I’m a tad discomforted, but it isn’t a big deal. Now, if it’s someone I’ve only met once or twice but anticipate hanging out with or seeing somewhat frequently, it totally freaks me out to see them naked. This came up in a conversation with a new contact from CollarMe recently too – I don’t like nude/dick photos or phone sex until after I’ve met someone in person, preferably not until we’ve done sexy things in person that merit me seeing them. It’s way too awkward for me otherwise.

Third, I need to boost my confidence. People want to play with me, and people find me and my reactions beautiful. Not everyone will, but those who disagree with that shouldn’t be who I judge myself on. The cane demo Top last night was very enthusiastic about me, telling me I’m beautiful and my reactions merit being in porn. I’ve had multiple partners reiterate how gorgeous I am when I climax…so I need to embrace that.

Lastly, I love impact play. I reallly, really, really love spanking and paddles. There’s just something so unbelievably hot about it, especially when paired with bondage. I got a few gentler spanks last night, and all it did was tease. I want more, harder. It sucks too, because I’m all submissive and shit and I hate asking people things. I would have totally gone for a much harder spanking with the person I went with last night, but I had no clue if that’s something he would have been game for, and I wasn’t going to ask.