Submissive Thoughts, Part 1: Being Honest with Myself

For most of the last year, I’ve focused on exploring kink and my sexuality. I’ve dated quite a bit, and I focused on trying to let myself open up emotionally with others (traditionally, that’s been very, very difficult for me). My work and school schedule, combined with my different groups of vanilla and kinky friends, made me feel stressed and busy. Kink was a good release, but D/s scared me. I needed to prioritize and focus on the goals I had set for myself.

The key there was that D/s freaked me out. When I was first interested in BDSM, way back in my teens, I thought a 24/7 M/s situation would be awesome and ideal. I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait for a man, so I pursued a bunch of other interests. Along the way, my ambitions and other interests became more central to my happiness, I got much more independent, and I started thinking in terms of a less than 24/7 D/s relationship. Even then, though, I still wanted to find a Dominant of my own. In fact, when I started this blog about 2 years ago, I wrote a post on my ideal relationship, and that involved a fair amount of power exchange.

Life got more hectic and things got crazy. I barely had time for myself. I dated a few guys who, while interesting, I wasn’t totally taken with and they started getting into all these serious things (poly, D/s commitment after just a few dates, high protocols). It scared me, and I backed away from D/s, hard. I switched my kinky label, and I got much more snarky/bratty/switchy with folks. I enjoy playing around, humor, pushing back, etc. Really though, part of it is a challenge. I still want to find a Dominant man, but by pushing hard, I know that I’m putting up walls on purpose to protect myself. I want someone to push through them, but I’m afraid of being submissive so I don’t let myself unless pushed there.

Thing is, to me, submitting means prioritizing my partners desires above my own. I get that my needs need to be met, but my desires can be subjugated to his desires. That’s a big thing. I maintain pretty rigid control over my life. I plan things, I host things, I make sure shit gets done. There are very few people I relax with and that I trust to have control and both be decisive and not abuse that trust. I’ve gotten better with this over the last year or so, in that I’ve formed some great relationships. Despite that, I’m so used to people not following through on their word that I have a lot of doubt. I’m a skeptic. An idealistic skeptic, but skeptic nonetheless. Long story short, surrendering control is hard for me, but when I do it I do so full-blast.

Realistically, I’m submissive in all aspects of my life. Pleasing people is paramount to me. In all of my relationships, if I see a way I can add to your happiness, I will do all in my power to do that. I will rearrange schedules, plan things, send interesting articles or jokes your way if they relate to you, whatever. I like to make the people important to me happy. Growing up, my need to make those around me happy caused a good deal of stress. Hell, even now, a good deal of my stress is knowing that someone I know is unhappy (or thinking they are) and not being able to help. I try to make sure I don’t let my own well-being suffer because of this, but it’s a struggle. In order to live my life, I have to push down that submissive part because I can’t be submissive to everyone. It isn’t practical, it isn’t good for my happiness, and honestly, I know way too many non-decisive people. Over the last year, I’ve tried hard to ignore any submissive parts of myself.

Despite that half-hearted, craptastic attempt at tamping down my submissiveness and focusing on pain and bondage instead, that part of me is still there. I graduated, I found a job, and I settled into some relationships and habits. It isn’t overwhelming to think about incorporating other people into my life now. I started thinking about submission again, and why it was that I freaked out about it. I can’t deny I’m submissive.

At the end of the day, submitting to someone I trust would alleviate that deep-seated pressure to make people happy, because I would be guided in how to please them. I could focus on pleasing one person instead of everyone. My need to please would be outwardly acknowledged, and openness about my submission will help me find someone who won’t take advantage of that need to please. I get that plenty of Dominants are abusive, and ultimately it will always be my own responsibility to make sure my needs are being met. That said, I overthink the shit out of things, and being guided in how to please and told if I’m not pleasing my partner eliminates a great deal of the stress I have in trying to control things I have no control over (like my partner’s emotions).

There’s more on this, but in an effort to not have crazy long posts I’ll post it later.

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Day 27, 30 Days of Kink

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Short answer, no.

Longer answer:

I’m not really the type of person who has a short set of discrete interests. Someone recently called me a polymath, which seemed like a flattering interpretation of my reality. Basically, I have a lot of interests and things that I enjoy doing. I have ADHD symptoms, and so I’ve gotten good at entertaining myself despite a relatively short attention span. I’d say the easiest go-to “hobbies” would be reading, writing (short stories, this blog, on occasion lyrics), watching tv, surfing the internet (I love researching new subjects and planning events/vacations), and spending time with people. I have full supplies and go through phases where I am more or less into making jewelry (beading, specifically), painting, photography, singing, and crocheting. I also love to dance and occasionally get into crazy fitness spurts. I enjoy cooking.

Most importantly, I enjoy spending time with friends and trying new things. When I have the option to hang out with people, no matter what it is that they’re doing, I’ll usually take it. I plan things so that I can have new experiences, whether it be a new movie or restaurant or whitewater rafting. When I’m not with other people, I either get really crafty or delve into a book or tv. I’m also one of those nutsy folks who can paint or read or write with music or the TV on…again, short attention span, lots of energy.

None of those things are kinky. My natural inclination to seek out new experiences and interesting people, well, that kind of overlaps with my general involvement in the kink community, but that’s as far as I’d say it goes. If anything, my interest and involvement in kink is more of a hobby than anything else I do regularly or semi-regularly.

Day 19, 30 Days of Kink

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

So, so many…

My self confidence has grown immensely. I’m more confident about my body – what it is capable of, what I enjoy sexually, that people find it attractive. I’m less hesitant around both new people of all types and men specifically. I’m able to flirt and tease, ask people to play, interact with strangers and create intimate spaces within minutes. This sense of self, feeling of confidence in who I am and what value that is, was something I seriously lacked prior to kink. Well, prior to the last two years, and kink was part of that (so was grad school, moving a few times, independence, etc.).

Moreover, I am much more accepting of other people, other cultures, other sexualities, and other paths in life. I have seen and experienced so many things I had no idea about before, and the increase in knowledge has only broadened my mind in positive ways.

I am much more flexible and forgiving of myself and those around me. I see more shades of grey in the black and white that our society puts forth. I know how to create situations that work for me instead of accepting what other people say has to be.

Lastly, I’ve met so many great people! Kink has been a great way for me to get connected to my community, both in Pittsburgh and DC. It has helped me make friends and have amazing experiences. Kinky people are the best! I love my ‘nilla friends, but kinky folks seem to be better able to balance work and play, which has been a nice change. They are supportive, open-minded, mostly non-judgmental, and overall the best and most unexpected part of kink.

Day 13, 30 Days of Kink

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Kink and BDSM appeal to me for multiple reasons; I’ll walk through them each briefly.

First, the community around kink, or “the scene,” is incredible. There are so many welcoming, friendly, open-minded people who are dedicated to pursuing their passions, living true to themselves, trying new things, and enjoying life to the fullest. These are all things that are paramount in how I choose to live my life, and so there is a certain kinship amongst these kinky people. I’ve never been anywhere else where I could speak so openly about such personal things without feeling judged for it. Moreover, the kinky community makes living in such a large city feel like a small town, and I enjoy that. Other “pre-built” communities such as religious groups or book clubs are great and some may be comparable, but the community aspect of kink is still a huge draw for me.

Next, kink/BDSM is largely about pursuit of peace and pursuit of pleasure. When I’m bottoming or submitting to someone, when I’m crying out from the pain or reveling in bondage, I get great peace. I am able to center myself, focus, and relax. I don’t have to worry about the logistics or anyone other than my partner. I don’t have to control everything. It’s hard for me trust people and surrender control, but in this scene it is such a verbalized, negotiated exchange that I am able to do so, and that surrender is astoundingly gratifying. Moreover, I get off on a lot of the things I do in the kinky world. Being dominated is hot. Pain can be hot. I also find pleasure in the “oooh toys, fun!” type of way. I have a genuinely good time when I’m doing kink stuff or hanging out with kinky people, and that appeals to me.

Kink appeals because of the ability to strengthen relationships. The amount of communication and trust needed to make all of this work in a SSC way surpasses any in my past vanilla experiences, and I like that. There is more intimacy. The focus on sex usually results in more sexual freedom, experimentation, and passion in the relationship which also appeals.

The kinky community allows me to push my limits. I love adventure, challenges, and trying new things. I like to experience as much as I can. I am relatively competitive, and kind of stubborn. I enjoy being able to test my endurance and pain tolerance, to explore unknown territories. BDSM is just one more avenue for me to let this part of my personality reign free.

The psychological and sociological influences and impact fascinate me, and that curiosity is satisfied by participating in kink. I’m kind of a nosy person (this blog has inquisitive in the title for a reason), and I like learning. I like learning about other people, their kink and their sex lives, why they do what they do, etc. I like seeing other people have fun, and in doing so learning things to make my life even fuller. I’m curious. I want to know as much as possible about kink and BDSM because of what it means to individuals, and because of what it means as part of society and our culture.

There may be more than that, but for now this is what I can think of. I’m sure I’ll edit/update later.

Now, as for why I am drawn to the things I am drawn to?

I’m a control freak (that hates being in control) who likes organized social activities, with a high sex drive and a very curious and adventurous nature…If I had to guess, I’d say all of the above stems from those parts of my personality.

5/18

So, I’ve been a bit AWOL for a bit, meaning this might be a long one. I finally have a few minutes to myself, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts. It’s amazing how much this blog really helps me process and rid my mind of anxiety.

For the quick recap, I finished all my classes about two weeks ago, and I finished my capstone project last week. Last week I started moving stuff to my new apartment, which also meant sorting through all of my stuff and cleaning. I did paint my new room, though, which was fun and satisfying. I then traveled to Indiana, then to Arkansas, and now am about to head to Pittsburgh for graduation. My parents will then take me back to DC, stay for a few days, and then a friend is in town for a day. I then have quick turnaround before I finish the move. I have a week post-move to settle in and finish setting up my new place/relax, then I head to Boston for a week. I get back from Boston and have a friend visiting for a week, then I start my new job. The next weekend is Fusion…essentially, it’s go-go-go until late June.

One of the hard things about leaving town and being so busy these few weeks is that it means a distinctive break from kinky events. I feel like I’m missing a ton of stuff, but I think timing is part of it. I want to maintain good friendships and relationships I have with people, and play with some of the folks I’ve met recently, but alas it isn’t to be. I missed Rapture, and I’m missing a movie night, the DC rope play party, and a few munches/classes of interest. I also am not attending Shibaricon, which blows. I’m hoping to attend College Night, Dirty Things, and the Wykd_Dave classes while I’m in town at the end of the month, and hopefully I can keep my nerve to attend those things alone.

I tried to find some more kink-appropriate clothing, but my success has been limited. I even went to the porn store here in my Indiana town. The clothing was all so cheaply made or in garish colors, so I stuck with some fishnets. I really want something with garters that is well made and fits properly, preferably in black. I did purchase a new vibrator, which is exciting, as well as my first ever bottle of lube. Figured it was about time for that. My sister is all up in my business now, and is pretty much completely aware of my kink involvement. For all her drama and craziness, she really cares about me and I do love her. I wish we could have a closer relationship, but it’s hard being so far away.

One weird thing about being back in Indiana is that I have this strange confidence here that I don’t have in DC. I think I still feel kind of intimidated by all the sophistication and urbanity of the city. I feel HBIC enough when I’m home that I have a certain confidence, and flirting seems much easier. I know how to tease and smile in such a way that I can draw men in. In DC, I usually end up too shy or insecure to pull that off. I need to figure out how to eliminate that nervousness. –> Goal for the summer.

One of the big things going on in my life right now is finishing graduate school. It’s bittersweet. I’ll miss the excitement of choosing new classes and reading the syllabus for the first time, of seeing which faces are in your class and getting to know new classmates. I’ll miss the engaging discussions and “forced” activities. I’ll miss regularly seeing the friendly faces of my peers, the faculty, and the staff. I’m ready to be done with school, and in a few ways it’s a liberating change, but I’m going to miss so much. It has been an amazing 2 years. $72,000 in debt…but I have a future and a life right now that I didn’t have before. I found out that I’m going to be graduating with distinction, which is also a very proud moment for me. I didn’t think I’d get there. The final stretch with the capstone project was really rough – we had a teammate plagiarize, and our advisor didn’t fairly award grades. It’s over and finished, though, so even though our final product was not up to my standards, it was enough to graduate us all, so I can’t complain.

Moving has been a whole other set of stress and drama. I have so much stuff I’m getting rid of, and a lot of stuff that needs to be tailored if I want to keep it. I’ve lost a good deal of weight since last summer, and as a result my clothes are all out of whack. I also had boxes I hadn’t even opened in the year since moving from Pittsburgh, which is pathetic. I’ve organized and sorted everything I’ve packed and moved, and I’ve been trying to clean house. I do need a new bra and some new denim shorts/capris, but I think I’ll wait until June to fill those gaps. I also am debating buying a bed (as in headboard/footboard). I really want one, especially one that has some way of tying rope/cuffs to it, but it’s a bit pricey (approximately $1000), so I haven’t fully mentally committed to it yet. I feel like buying furniture is a very adult thing to do, and I’m not quite there.

With that, I still have to apply for a loan for my car, get it inspected, and then title/register it in VA. I also need to get a new license and register to vote, and then figure out cell phone plans/bills. All part of being a “real” adult for once. When I start my new job, I’ll be picking out insurance plans and finding doctors in VA, and things will get really real.

Making all of these transitions even more difficult, my parents are strongly considering downsizing into a downtown condominium. They currently have a 5 bedroom house, so this is a HUGE change for them. If things go as my dad wants, they’ll be moved by October. I’m at our house for one day in between traveling, and this very well could be my last time stepping foot in my childhood home. I’m freaking out a little bit. They have so much furniture and so many things they’re going to be getting rid of that I wish I could have, but I won’t be here to go through it, and I don’t have the money to store it nor the space to take it now. I had about 600+ books here, and I got rid of half today – the used bookstore gave me $55. For $2100 worth of books. It wouldn’t be that bad, only I would’ve kept them were my parents waiting 2 years to move. If I had my car here to take as much as I wanted, I’d have kept them all. As it stands, I’m taking 3 boxes of stuff, and leaving about a box of stuff for them to store. I’m trying not to get too upset about leaving all of my things behind.

My mom, of course, is not happy at all with the moving thing primarily because it means getting rid of so many things. She’s very materialistic, but also these things represent the last 30 years of her life. They mean something to her, or she wouldn’t have them. My dad keeps claiming it’s only stuff, but to her it’s more than that. I understand both sides. Simplifying life and limiting the number of possessions you have makes logical sense. It’s practical. I’ve just been doing that for a few weeks. That said, sometimes “stuff” is more than that, and there is meaning attached. Even if it sits in a box or in a corner, there is comfort taken from having it because you know it’s there. If something so small can add comfort or stability to your life, what’s the harm? I know my mom borders hoarders, but still, there’s merit to her depression this time.

I’m not sure what will end up happening, but the whole thing just further reinforces that there is no going home now, no going back. I’ll never again be living at home. I won’t even be home for more than a day or two. I won’t get to spend time with my family except once or twice a year for a few days. As much as they’re nuts, I love them and family is very important to me. It’s so hard living so far away. I wish I was close enough to come visit more frequently, but the jobs I want just aren’t out there. Then, of course, I start debating going back into local government. I know on many levels I’d be happy doing that type of work. Only now, my life is built in DC – my friends are all in DC, not in my hometown. Indianapolis has more folks, but it isn’t my community like DC is.  When I’m living day to day life in DC, I don’t feel homesick all the time because I keep myself too busy and fulfilled for that, but when I go home I get so comfortable and it’s just HOME, and it makes me wish for things to be a little different. All this change and upset at once is just difficult. Growing up isn’t easy.

Sacrilege

This post is entirely inappropriate for posting on a religious holiday…but at least the play wasn’t on a cross?

In general, public play has always tended to be more pain-centric for me. In Pittsburgh, I was so new to things, and public play was always focused on impact play. In DC, I got a bit more adventurous with play, and there are so many more venues for public play. Thing is, whenever people tried to use a vibrator or get more sexual in nature in public, I froze up.  I now realize that I just wasn’t comfortable with those people touching me that way for some myriad of reasons. They were poly and had a primary, or we hadn’t played together more than once before, there wasn’t a connection (feeling objectified by someone for real, not for show, isn’t hot to me), or I just plain wasn’t sexually attracted to them at all. Even if we’re not about to jump into bed, I need to want the other person to touch me, which requires some level of attraction and comfort. Basically, I can’t get off from playing with just anyone, and while I might agree to play or practice rope or something with someone, that doesn’t mean I’ll react well to them touching me sexually.

I also think another part of my inability to get sexual in public was because pure pain, while cathartic, doesn’t get me sopping wet or anything.  I can attain a physical release from intense pain, but it doesn’t get me “ready to go” like other forms of play. This is part of why I’ve kind of strayed away from intense pain scenes since I first started realizing this a few months ago. Rope more than anything, however, has always evoked a more sensual response from me. Very intense or restrictive bondage makes me far hotter than pain does. Strangely enough, though, while rope was my “gateway” into BDSM in the first place, in my kink exploration it hasn’t been the focus. Since the first event I attended in Pittsburgh last January, I was preoccupied with exploring my masochistic side with rare exceptions. In DC, I attended rope events, but they were educational and it wasn’t “play.” Basically, public play with rope in a non-educational way has been a new experience for me over the last several weeks.

Anyhow, I came in public last night for the first time. I didn’t know I could do that, and it surprised me. I actually got turned on enough and was in the moment enough that I was able to focus only on the two of us and what we were doing, not the people around us or anything else. Then, ta-da, climax. And, have to say, not just a climax, but a really intense one compared to my orgasmic history. Part of me was turned on enough that I probably could have orgasmed at least one more time, but simultaneously the first one left me shaking considerably and a second probably would’ve left me hanging by the ropes alone.

So, good to know that’s possible.

In other news, 3.5 weeks from tomorrow I’ll be done with grad school!! Guess I need to stop procrastinating and do my presentation for tomorrow, then all I will have left for that class is attendance.

Thoughts

I have some lovely marks and soreness from Rapture (although the lingering soreness in my wrist, the one that lost all feeling during a scene, is somewhat disconcerting). I played with a girl – well, she played with me – for the first time. It was tame, mainly receptive of some above the waist things during a scene with her Dom, but was still fun. I met some more really interesting and cool people this time, which is always fun. Still no rope, though, which is going to have to be remedied soon. I miss it.

But then, of course, I spend almost the whole day with some friends/classmates working on a group project. Sometimes, I really start questioning what it would be like to have no kink at all, no power dynamic, and if that is something I could even handle. It sucks, because I really don’t know if I could handle that long term. Then again, who knows how people’s sexuality could develop?

In other news, my brain hurts from working on this project. People always make kind of a big deal on how quickly my brain works, how fast I can type, etc., and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the oddity, and even assuming it’s a good thing, I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to make other people feel incompetent or anything, but simultaneously, I can’t really help how I think.