Why do I like being hit?

Someone asked me this today, and it made me think a lot on why I enjoy pain. I hadn’t visited the subject in a while, so it took some processing. Here’s my general thoughts on the matter.

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with pain, and it definitely depends on the purpose/context. Where did it come from? Probably, like my desire for submission, from some combination of things in my past that involved me having to maintain strict control over myself, my emotions, — too deep and not pertinent. The real question here is – Why do I choose to engage in behaviors that involve me receiving pain? A variety of reasons:

  1. Emotional release. I find it difficult to let go and cry sometimes, even when I really need to. Pain can provide an excuse to cry without feeling like I’m being irrational. It’s a catalyst, of sorts. I’ve found stingy pain gets me to this point much more quickly, but isn’t always as satisfying.
  2. Focus. I find it hard sometimes to stop thinking and just feel. Pain makes me think of only it, the person administering it, and what’s happening in the moment between us. That, in turn, allows me to just feel and enjoy things instead of over-thinking them. Additionally, if I’m really stressed or anxious about something, pain is something else I can’t help but focus on instead. (So is submitting in general, with or without pain.)
  3. Challenge. I like pushing myself, and seeing what my body can do.
  4. Fun (ie sexy) endorphins. Pain in certain places, from certain implements, with certain people can get me off in and of itself. Namely, thuddy pain in the ass region with someone I am attracted to, or any type of pain to the nipples with someone I’m attracted to, or rough body play/biting with someone I’m attracted to (notice the trend there?).
  5. Control. Pain is a physical manifestation of power exchange. Every spank can reemphasize that I am submitting to this person, that I am letting them have control over me, that I trust them not to harm me and to stop if need be. It hurts, but I’m letting them do so because it pleases them, which satisfies a deeper mental submissive desire on my end. If they enjoy hurting me, then I’ll get off on it all the more.

I am not an exhibitionist at all. I will go to public events when I know many people going in order to hang out with friends, to take a class, to play with specific equipment, or for the safety element with a newer partner. When I first got involved in the DC scene, I was much more open to casual/pick-up play, so I went out a lot. I learned quickly though that most of my motivations for play stem from deeper desires – D/s, personal expression, sexual – and I’m not very comfortable doing those things with strangers or in public. Because of that, I think 2 and 3 above are the only motivations that ever really came out in the public-playspace type setting. Maybe 4, in rarer instances.

Since that realization, I’ve only played with S&m things a handful of times. (This is also because things like 1 and 5 require much deeper trust and people who are willing to take care of what they break down, which is harder to find and do in shorter instances or with people you’re not in an ongoing relationship with.) All of the above still applies, I’ve just been much choosier in how I engage in those activities.

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101 Kinky Questions

Thanks to hispreciouspet (http://hispreciouspet.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/101-kinky-questions-answered-about-me/) for the questions.

I’m in a weird mood, so why not overshare to the anonymous abyss?

1. Have you ever slept naked?

Yes. I find, weirdly enough, that I get hotter when I sleep with no clothes than when I wear clothes. Because of that and the more practical issue of needing to use the shared bathroom in the middle of the night, I usually wear some form of pajamas.

2. Have you ever masturbated?

Of course.

3. What’s your bra size, or dick length?

38D

4. Where was your first time?

At this guy’s house, tied to his bed. It was the second time I’d hung out with him. I still don’t know why I was so ready to let it happen that way.

5. Have you ever gotten sexual with anything that wasn’t a person?

Yes. I use a couple of different toys regularly. When I was younger and didn’t own toys, I used toothbrushes, highlighters, and pillows for sexy fun times.

6. Have you ever shown anyone your body parts and asked advice?

I don’t think I’ve ever asked for advice about my body parts, but I’ve shown them to people.

8 . Do you prefer doing it in the dark or in the light?

I like mood lighting, but it doesn’t matter to me that much. If I’m into you enough to do it the lights aren’t on my mind. If I’m thinking about the lights, it isn’t going to be good sex.

9. What’s your greatest fantasy?

Being kept on edge for several hours, at least partly due to extended nipple teasing and/or torment. Having my desire used against me so that I will desperately serve my Dom’s desires (think lap dance, head, crawling). Add some bondage in there and you’ve got a hot time :).

10. Would you suck on anyone’s toes?

I wouldn’t seek it out, but if I was in a D/s dynamic and it made my Dom happy, I’d do it. If they were clean, of course, and he wasn’t being a dick about it.

11. Where do you think would be the weirdest place to have sex?

I’m not keen on the idea of having sex in a cemetery, that would skeeve me out a bit.

12. Would you have sex there? 

Maybe, but it would take a lot of convincing.

13. How old were you the first time?

22. I got a late start.

14. Would you ever have lesbian or gay sex?

I have received oral from a woman, but not given it. I don’t know that I could, it really grosses me out. Who knows though, things change.

15. What do you think the sexiest fruit is?

Bananas? I’m all for phallic references.

16. Would you ever have an orgy with the same-sex?

Maybe, see above grossed out by giving thing. If it was a group thing with same and opposite sex, maybe.

17. What and who turns you on?

This is the vaguest question ever. I’m turned on by humor, intelligence, chivalry, strength, dominance, assertiveness, bondage, pain, teasing, sensual touch…the list could go on. As for who, well, any number of people :).

18. Have your hands ever been down anyone’s pants?

Yup. I like the innocence of fondling in the pants.

19. What superstar would you have sex with?

Paul Rudd, Justin Bartha…god there are more, but I’m drawing blanks.

20. Have you or anyone else ever stuck anything down your pants?

Just their hands.

21. Have you ever had a dream about being gay or lesbian?

Nope.

22. Are you gay or lesbian?

Nope.

24. Have you ever made a guy get hard?

Yup.

25. Have you ever counted your pubic hairs?

Hell no, that’d be super tedious.

26. Would you rather be cute or sexy?

I think it depends on to whom. I’m going to cheat and say that I want to be with people who find cute sexy.

27. How many people would you have sex with at once?

Maybe another couple, or a couple of dudes at once… that’s probably it. I can be weirdly prudish. Now, having sex in the company of others but not WITH them, that may be a different answer.

28. Have you ever put on a strip show?

No, but I would, with the right audience.

29. Have you ever seen a strip show?

I saw a live sex show in Amsterdam, if that counts? I’ve also seen burlesque and pole dancing. I’ve never seen a legit strip show though.

30. Have you ever seen any of your friends naked?

Yes. I have friends I met in the kink scene, where nudity is common.

31. What’s your kinky fetish?

Power exchange, bondage, pain…basically all elements of BDSM.

32. Have you ever had a fantasy about a teacher?

No, actually. That’s a bit surprising in retrospect.

33. Have you ever had an orgasm?

Yep, thankfully.

34. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes, in a hot tub this summer at a kinky party, and in 4th grade. Not the same experience at all :).

35. Have you ever played with a condom?

Played, as in blew it into a balloon? Of course. As in sexual activity? When I’ve had sex, I’ve used them.

36. If you could be a spice what would it be?

Cardamon. Sweet and a tad spicy, intriguing, looked forward to, and holds dishes together.

37. Would you use objects in sex such as whips, hand cuffs, etc.?

Yes, please!

38. Have you ever tried on a condom?

I have no penis, so no.

39. Have you ever playfully spanked your lover?

Yes. I uncontrollably giggle when I spank people, though, so it’s not usually a go-to sex move.

40. If someone says “spank me” do you do it and get turned on?

I’d be sad that they weren’t doing it to me.

41. Have you ever worn your underwear two days in a row?

Yes, but I wouldn’t again.

42. Have you ever seen anyone’s dick?

Yep.

44. Have you ever took a piss standing up or squatting in the woods?

Yes, it’s challenging.

45. What was the weirdest place you have ever done something with someone?

I minimally fooled around in a movie theater, so maybe that?

46. What was the weirdest thing you have ever done to your b/f or g/f?

I’m kinky. Pretty sure most things I enjoy are weird to someone. I don’t know that I find any of it “weird.”

47. What was the lamest thing your b/f or g/f did for you or to you?

Can’t think of something.

48 . Have you ever wondered what position you would have sex in?

Honestly, I don’t think much about positions. I’m not having enough sex for that to be on my mind.

49. Have you ever used a vibrator on yourself or somebody else?

On myself, yes, on someone else, no.

52. Would you ever have sex in the ocean?

If it was private enough, yes.

53. Have you ever gotten sand up you? 

Not from fun activities. Not a fan of the idea, either.

54. Have you ever run or walked around your house nude?

Not my current home (roommates and windows facing an office building), but previous ones yes.

55. What do you wear to bed?

Usually some form of nightshirt, I have some long sleeved, long tshirt ones from Victoria’s Secret, some sexier nighties, and an old one from a department store. If I’m really cold or sharing space, I’ll wear pajama pants and a college tshirt.

56. Have you ever done anything with someone in your parents bed?

No, and I wouldn’t. Ew.

57. Would you ever consider rubbing hot oil or cream all over your guy or girl?

If my partner enjoyed massages, I would. Probably lotion before oil, though.

59. Have you ever used lubricant?

Yes.

61. Have you ever fingered yourself, got fingered before or fingered someone else?

Yes, yes, and no.

64. Have you ever given or received a hand job or blow job?

Yes to both.

66. Have you ever tasted cum or female juice?

Yes to cum, and yes if my own counts.

68. What does the number “69″ mean to you?

Double oral.

70. How old were you when you got your first real kiss? 

Maybe 18? Again, late bloomer.

72. Have you ever done anything with anyone in a pool, hot tub, or bath tub?

No.

74. Have you ever tied up or hand cuffed anybody?

Yes, I’ve tied someone up, and I’ve been both tied up and handcuffed.

77. Were you a witness to someone having sex?

Yes, kinky parties always have someone having sex.

80. Would you ever have phone sex?

I would, although it’d be super difficult since tlaking direty makes me really nervous.

81. Do you go by the rhythm of music?

If there is music, yes.

84. Would you ever have sex with your best friend or someone you don’t even know?

Not my current best friend, but friends change.

85. Do you find physical pain like spanking an element of good sex?

Yes.

86. Do you find older women or men attractive?

Older men, as in maybe 10-20 years, yes. More than that, no.

87. Would you rather have sex with or without a condom? 

Pregnancy scares the everliving shit out of me, so condoms are a must.

88. Who was the person you kissed that was the best?

The best? That’s a hard one. Maybe a guy I dated right after moving to DC, 2 years or so ago.

89. If you had a half an hour to spend with your b/f or g/f what would you do?

Depends how long it had been since we’d seen each other. If it’d been a while, talk and catch up with some kissing.

90. If you only had 20 minutes left to live what would you do?

Say goodbye to everyone that I could.

91. Which would you rather make out:A) On a stage in front of a lot of people you know? B) With your parents in the room?C) In front of an ex?

A.

95. What color is your hair (pubic)?

Dark brown.

98. Your love life is like which of these movies:

A) Something about Mary
B) Chasing Amy
C) My Girl 2
D) When Harry Met Sally
E) Fatal Attraction
F) Rated X (not for young viewers)

A or F.

99. Have you ever lost the keys to the cuffs or got stuck together?

No, thank heavens.

101. Would you do anyone on your blogroll? 

Don’t know enough about those folks to say one way or the other.

Awkward Dating Moment

I had another awkward dating moment a few weeks ago, and it was sort of comical. I went to dinner with someone maybe 2 blocks from my house. We had our date, and after we were standing outside, and he kissed me. It was good, but someone was standing right next to us staring, so I sort of held off on making a move. He looked to his car to go home and offered me a ride home. Being that I live just down the street, I declined, joking a little about it. He was a taken aback, joked it off, and then we said goodbye. I was lamenting the lack of a make-out to a friend when she pointed out that the offer for a ride was likely an excuse to make out not in front of the random stranger nearby… Fail.

6/18

I’ve now been on two dates with a vanilla guy, and it’s starting to get kind of complicated. I met him via OkCupid, and while it does say I’m “more kinky,” I’m not sure how seriously people take that. I guess I was skeptical that anything would come from the site in the first place, and was hesitant about how much kink is necessary, so I went ahead and met him for a date. Thing is, the first two dates have gone well. We have a lot of things in common, similar senses of humor, etc. That said, I didn’t realize how much my life is kinky now. A good deal of my friends and activities are centered around the kinky community.

He gave me an opportunity to talk about kink on date 2, in that he mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. I alluded about my friends who were disappointed in how the books represent kink, but I didn’t mention my own interest (basically, I’m a chicken-shit). I mean, he’s bright, maybe he can draw some conclusions, but most people wouldn’t have any idea how involved the kinky community can be. Alas, I’m confused. Do I just pre-emptively cut it off? Do I try to bring up kink? I don’t want to lead him on, but I honestly just don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker for me. Unfortunately, I’m suspecting it’s more of one than I thought it would be. Which means, for future encounters, I really should try to mention it in my profile directly or in a first message…but how to do so without threatening my professional life? Grr…

In other things, I attended a class last week on play negotiations and contracts. I really appreciated the presenters point of view, and it was a great class. One thing that stuck with me was her comment that when you’re seeing someone regularly for several weeks and attending events based on one another’s attendance, then you’re in a relationship with that person. You may not be romantically involved, but it’s definitely something more than acquaintances. She suggested some ways to bring up romance in a nonthreatening way should you want to bring play into something more. I really appreciated the class because it was the first time someone directly addressed how to deal with the messed up relationship strata that make up kink.

I was also informed by some vanilla friends this weekend that I’m really not great at showing when I’m interested in someone. It stems from a fear of rejection and of appearing too clingy, combined with my innate stubbornness and pride. Not good. I’m working on growing into my flirty self.

I started my new job today. It’s a bit of a boys club, though; I was the only female in orientation and it looks like most of the women are in HR. I really liked everyone I met today, though, which was great. The IT folks, HR people, security folks, and other new hires were all very friendly and welcoming. I still don’t know who exactly I’ll be working with, but I’m handling it. I’ve never worked in this small of an office, and it’s really nice. IT isn’t just a nameless division, but is a handful of people who I can get to know. It feels more close-knit, which is an interesting change. I also learned more about what deployment would look like, and while it sounds rough and scary, I think it could be a great thing. You get 170% of your salary while there, as well as a bunch of overtimes and such – and housing and food are free! Going for a year would be a super fast way to pay off student loans…but could also result in death. So, you know, trade offs.

Kinky Getting to Know You from Fetlife

Kinky Questions: Getting to know you.

  1. Are you open to play with others? Were I in a committed relationship, I’d be open to my partner playing with others under certain conditions. One, play would not be sexual unless we had discussed it beforehand or were both involved. (What is considered “sexual” is something we would have to determine together – groping isn’t the same thing as intercourse, etc.) Two, we’d get one another’s consent before playing with someone else.
  2. Do you oral? I enjoy giving it, but I’ve never received it so can’t say on that front.
  3. Do you do anal? I never have, but I’m open to trying it with the right person. 
  4. Are you the top, bottom, switch or neither? Definitely bottom, although I’d be open to switching once in a very blue moon for the right person.
  5. Do you have limits? Of course! 
  6. So do you get/give play punishment/real punishment/no punishment? I’m open to play punishment, but real punishment is a deeper power exchange dynamic that I’m not looking for at this point.
  7. Do you Roleplay? I haven’t, but I would.
  8. If you could only do one sexual act for the rest of your life what would it be? What counts as a sexual act? Probably intercourse, if I really had to choose.
  9. How about some Bondage? Of course! I ❤ bondage, especially with rope.
  10. Would you play with someone of the same gender? I’d play in the kinky sense without sex. As for sexual play, I’m open to maybe making out or groping, but nothing more than that.
  11. What is the first thing you notice about a person that turns you on? Their humor and whether or not they smile easily, their general demeanor/Toppiness, or height.
  12. If you saw your significant other with someone else you would think? With someone else of which gender, in what context? It all depends on the details.
  13. How do you feel about hair pulling? I love it! I really get off on someone playing with and pulling on my hair, the harder the better. I also really like playing with my partner’s hair.
  14. Candles and massage or whips and chains? Candles and massage. You can always use the wax or hands for pain if that’s your game. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’d be down to try out the whips and chains too, but if I had to pick one I’d pick the sensual option.
  15. How do you feel about nakedness? I’m not as comfortable nude as a lot of kinky people are, blame it on a combination of modesty and self-consciousness, but I’m ok with getting naked with my partner for sexy fun times. If I don’t trust that they’re attracted to me at that point, than I wouldn’t be at that point. I’ve never really had it be an issue.
  16. Do you like porn, dirty pictures or erotica? Erotica, by far. I read it, write it, enjoy it. That said, I’ve really never been great at finding free photos or porn, and I don’t pay for it, so I’m not really that experienced with the other options.
  17. What’s your dirty little secret? What’s considered a dirty little secret really depends on the audience/who you are. If you’re a vanilla friend, all this – everything contained or referred to in this blog – is my secret. If you’re a kinky friend, I guess it’s that I’m not as sexually experienced as pretty much everyone else in this community (at least those I’ve come across).