Story Idea and Thoughts on Play

I was fantasizing before bed last night, and I think I finally have some good inspiration for a story. On top of that, of course, it got me thinking about past experiences.

The basic premise of my to-be story is a focus on power exchange, pushing limits, and voluntarily suffering. Basically, instead of utilizing bondage to make someone helpless as in most of my writing, it would be using someone’s submission to her partner’s authority. Instead of being tied down, she must hold herself still. She must offer herself up for the things that are tormenting her – ask for them – even when she is crying from wanting them to stop.

As normally happens when I’m pondering a story idea, I started thinking about logistics, this time in the way of safewords and limits. How could the submissive character’s limits be pushed? How have my limits been pushed? Well, in truth, they’ve only been pushed a few times…I could count on one hand and precisely recall each time.

This came up a bit at Winter Fire, and I think the person I was playing with and trying to explain myself to didn’t get it at all. I’ve since tried explaining it to someone else who did seem to get it, so I’m not sure if it was me or him the first time. I could have just been too awkward to explain myself well. Anyhow, both times, I was trying a toy on my nipples that was excruciatingly painful. My nipples are very sensitive, but I do really like pain in that area. Thing is, there is pain that is pleasurable in and of itself, and then there is pain that just freaking hurts. I have a high tolerance, and I can endure the latter, but I do not desire to of my own free will. I will, however, gladly endure such pain if it pleases my partner. I will find extreme pleasure in suffering so deeply for my partner’s pleasure, mostly because of the strong sense of subjugation and power exchange. That difference – enduring for someone else versus for myself – is enough for my mind to switch all the sensations into this torturous pleasure.

So basically – put the little toy(s) on and ask me if I want it off – yes, I do. Don’t ask me and instead smile or get turned on by my pain – I’ll keep them on a little longer and won’t safeword. Should I be about to absolutely pass out from pain, I’ll safeword…but if you ask me if I want them off, of course I’m going to say yes!  Not too complicated, eh?

I guess my limits aren’t pushed usually because often, people ask me if I’m ready to stop. Usually, that’s a social cue that they’re ready to stop (or at least that’s how I take it). Most people at events have several shorter scenes, and I don’t want to monopolize anyone’s time. As a result, I’ll say sure, I’m ready to stop, even if I could go for much longer. By pushing limits, I mean I want to be pushed to the point where I want to stop, where I would beg for it to stop, and I want my partner to push just a bit farther. I want to scream and cry and plead, and have my partner revel in that power and choose when to stop as he so pleases.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to decide when clamps come off or a scene stops. I want my partner to trust that if it’s truly too much, I’ll safeword, and the rest of the time, do as he will and enjoy the hell out of it, and I’ll enjoy it equally as much in response. You are in control – stop the scene when you’re ready to be done, and I’ll stop it with a safeword if I need to. Don’t ask me when to do it or that puts me in control of everything!

Day 23, 30 Days of Kink

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

God, have they changed.

Let’s see, if you’ve been reading my 30 days since day 1, you may recall that I developed an interest in kink early on (pre-legal years). Up until grad school, I thought I wanted a borderline 24/7 TPE D/s situation (got acronyms?). I was submissive, and willing to explore being someone’s slave. I thought needles, knives, public play, polyamory, breath play, electricity play, fireplay, and more were all nuts. I was certain that I would enjoy spanking because it was a physical manifestation of power, but not out of any interest in pain itself. Bondage turned me on more than life itself.

Not all of those thoughts are different, but most are. The real key here is that my interests and perspectives on kink are constantly changing, including right now. People joke that if you don’t like someone’s hard limits, just give ’em 6 months – that’s so bizarrely true.

The first thing that changed in my mind was my interest in pain. I quickly realized that my reaction to pain wasn’t just fear or pain, but pleasure, release, and thrill at the challenge.

The second thing to change was my feeling about polyamory. I don’t consider myself poly, but even being open to playing with others at all is a huge change from my original thoughts. I’m also considerably more accepting of other peoples’ poly relationships.

The third thing to change was my desire to participate in a M/s relationship. I’m still interested in exploring lighter levels of power exchange, primarily within the bedroom. I’m just not interested in being someone’s slave. Making my partner happy is incredibly important to me, and I enjoy serving him to some extent, but I don’t like having my service expected and demanded constantly. While I find being in control exhausting if I do it all the time, so do I find not being in control all the time. Balance is necessary, and so far that seems to work best as submission in the bedroom and equality outside of it (being my naturally “bratty,” dominant-personality self).

As for the rest, well, I’ve revised my limits/fetishes list so many times I have to include a date at the top, so that should be a good indicator of the fluidity of those things.

4/30

After a great weekend, my emo attitude from last week is almost entirely gone. Amazing what friends, dancing, and pain can do for a girl!

First off, I bought some lingerie a little over a week ago. Some of it was too big (perils of buying online and being curvy), but the stockings and garter set fit perfectly. This weekend was my first chance to wear them, and it was great. Somehow wearing thigh-high stockings with garters makes me feel incredibly alluring and sexy. It’s also a great reminder of femininity.

In general, going to this month’s Rapture event really amped up my mood. I was able to try a bunch of things for the first time, I met some new people, and I got to hang out with some really good friends. Since I live across the city, I don’t see these folks as much as I’d like. I forgot how much I enjoy their company. I really appreciate being able to be myself without any judgement. One benefit of moving this month will be being closer to these folks, enabling us to hang out more.

Now, for the things I tried. I actually tied someone else up all by myself! I did a chest harness and hogtied my friend, and then her boyfriend stepped in and did knife play on her. I was able to get it all to stay and she couldn’t get out, which was awesome. It was kind of strange because when I finished I realized there were a bunch of people watching me. I didn’t ever think I’d enjoy being the one doing the tying, but I did. I think it was primarily because I could joke with my friend, and try out the things I wish I could have done to me.

That experience is one more step along my journey of admitting my internal switchy-ness. I was thinking about this on my commute this morning, and how I enjoy teasing people and messing with them a bit. I like turning the tables every now and then (or trying to). For rope, I just love everything about it, and it’s fun.

Another new thing for me was experimenting a bit deeper with breath play. It still frightens me, and the only reason I was willing to go there was because this person is truly an expert. Breath play doesn’t have to involve smothering or being choked out, but can include general moderation of the way in which you breath. Really, it was mainly a mindfuck – he wasn’t cutting off my air, but his hand around my throat made me think he was so I would stop breathing. It intensified the other sensations we were experimenting with, and I surprised myself by enjoying it.

I also worked up the nerve to try needle play. This one was a biggie for me. It was kind of funny, I was watching my friend do a pretty intense needle play scene from a distance, and someone caught my expressions. (I have a horrible poker face.) Apparently, I looked confused and somewhat upset by the scene. I admitted that needles squick me out – something about going in and out of the skin just freaks me out. Logically, I knew it probably didn’t hurt that badly, but still. Despite my fear and uncertainty, I really like to try things before I judge them, and this person offered to let me try it. Crazy enough, I actually enjoyed it. On my arm, I didn’t even really feel the needle at all. Same on my thigh. On my back, however, it hurt quite a bit more. I don’t know what it is, but that type of pain immediately sent me on an endorphin high, and I came pretty close to getting off on it (and there were just 3 needles). I should’ve suspected I’d like it, given my propensity for playing with thumbtacks. It’s not something I can do to myself because of the squicky factor, but I enjoyed doing it with someone else.

I was comparing needles to cutting in my mind, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I’ve written before on the cutting scene I did and how it really messed with my mind. It’s basically too edgy for me. Needles, though, while still being edgier (and considered more extreme by many BDSM players), are far less dangerous. As long as you avoid veins, your many layers of skin can pretty much handle being pricked without much danger. If you use small needles, than there’s not a lot of blood, few (if any) lasting marks, and yet you can still get endorphins and pain/release. Anyhow, I definitely surprised the hell out of myself for enjoying it.

Lastly, I also did some rough body play for the first time. This has actually left some marks, which rarely happens, so that’s kind of interesting. I had a lot of fun with it, particularly because it involves a lot more physical contact, intimacy, and reinforces the physical overpowerment that I enjoy.

Overall, the evening revisited my exploration of pain quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, and generally helped me release some of my frustration from school and life. I’m still not comfortable with masochism, especially as I can enjoy and tolerate relatively heavy amounts of pain, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I rationalize things because I enjoy them, they’re consensual, and they don’t cause lasting harm. Despite that, my discomfort comes from the associations with self-harm and that it really doesn’t scream “I’m a healthy, sane person” when you enjoy someone beating up on you or jabbing you with needles. In many ways I love being unique, but I’m not fully comfortable being downright edgy either.  Since I went a few months without any type of intense/edgy pain, I know it isn’t necessarily a need I have, but it is something I can enjoy quite a bit. That makes me feel a bit better about it, but I’m still not sure the role my masochism will (or should) have in future relationships.

Day 2, 30 Days of Kink

Day 2: List your kinks.

Well, I’ve done that before; see my Fetishes and Limits post. Or, better yet, see my fetlife profile.

But hey, in the interest of this exercise, I’ll do it again.

My biggest kink is bondage. Continue reading

Fetishes and Limits

Most recent edit: 4/17/12

I am a very adventurous and curious person. As a result, I usually want to try something at least once before ruling it out. That said, I have deeper fears and inhibitions about some things. I usually want to either see something done on someone else or try it on myself first before letting someone else do it. For now, I identify as a bottom. I find alpha, dominant men extremely attractive, but I do think it could be fun to occasionally switch it up and let myself get a little toppy. I sometimes have submissive tendencies, but I also am incredibly snarky, very independent, and a bit of a control freak.

The list below is ever-evolving. As I learn more and work through my own desires, things change. For now, this is where things stand.

Love:

  • pleasing my partner
  • physical domination, such as being pinned down or handled a bit more roughly. I enjoy feeling a man’s strength and power
  • hair pulling or any playing with my hair
  • rope bondage and shibari
  • knife play and wartenburg wheels – my skin is sensitive and I like playing with sensations
  • biting
  • breast and nipple play and pain, including clamps and the like
  • cuddling
  • teasing and sensual play
  • orgasm denial/control
  • begging
  • spanking, paddling, and strapping – these are preferred types of impact play

Like:

  • ball gags
  • vibrators and other toys
  • bondage in general, including handcuffs, straps, and other forms of restraints
  • tickling
  • flogging
  • blindfolds
  • being made to blush
  • riding crops
  • corsets
  • canes*
  • single-tail whips*

*Canes and single-tail whips are a stingier pain that is not as enjoyable for me. I can and will play with them, but mainly just if I really need an emotional release (they can make me cry more quickly) or if I’m really looking to push my own pain threshold or boundary. Play with these two toys is more cathartic than sexual.

Limited experience with (tried once or twice at most) and would like to try more:

  • collars
  • talking dirty
  • pressure points
  • suspension by rope bondage
  • violet wands
  • tens unit
  • take-down play/struggling and wrestling
  • covert bondage
  • forced eye contact
  • choking (not choking out, but a hand around the throat that is occasionally so tight that I fight back or struggle a little is hot)

Haven’t tried but would like to:

  • remote control devices
  • candle wax
  • cupping (or other suction toys)
  • fireplay, fire cupping, fire floggers
  • ring gags
  • switching

Unsure of (things that need more trust or discussion, that have more fear attached, kind of like “soft” limits):

  • masks
  • rubber, latex, pvc, and other intensely restrictive clothing
  • fisting
  • breath play other than choking
  • figging
  • cages
  • mild objectification
  • needles
  • cutting*
*I’ve tried cutting and I enjoyed the scene. That said, I have not hit a point where I’m comfortable being “into” cutting. It is a level of edge play and self-harm that bothers me on an intellectual and mental level even while I can enjoy it and find release in it.
Greatly opposed to (hard limits that are *maybe* negotiable someday with deep, extreme trust but for now are hell no):
  • gas masks
  • hoods
  • enemas
  • puppy play, kitten play (animal food is a non-negotiable aspect of this)
  • serving as furniture
  • face slapping
  • stun guns, cattle prods, and tasers

Won’t do (hard, non-negotiable limits):

  • polyamory in a long term relationship…aka I’m not into the equivalent of two husbands or my future husband having a serious girlfriend, but I’d be open to casually playing with others while in a long term relationship, depending on the communication/people involved.
  • gun play
  • age play (and diapers)
  • cuckolding
  • watersports
  • scat
  • permanent markings
  • pony play
  • extreme objectification
  • animals
  • children
  • abandonment
  • hypnosis (in the sense of losing conscious choice)
  • insects, creepy crawlies, and living things
  • cutting my hair or other radical appearance changes


Want to play with me?

If you want to play with me, below are some things that you should know. If I don’t know you/that’s not your goal, there really is absolutely no point in continuing to read this post.

updated 2/20/12, original 3/28/11

It’s important that I know I’m respected by you, despite my reactions and what you do to me. I won’t open up or really relax if I’m worried about you judging me.

I must respect you, trust you, and know that you aren’t creepy. Knowing other people who know you, seeing you out and about in the community, etc. are things that aid in this.

I have to know that you are enjoying yourself. If I think you’re doing things purely because I want them, and not because you enjoy doing them, I feel guilty and like I’m a burden.

If our play involves anything beyond rope practice in a public space/learning environment, I need to have some sort of connection with you. I’m not ok with being played with purely because I’m available, and I don’t appreciate being made to feel like that. Negotiating a scene, checking in, asking before touching me sexually if we’ve never played that way before, talking to me a bit before/after, etc. are all little ways to make something more intimate and less booty call-esque. Basically, treat me like a human being when interacting with me, and I need to actually like you as a human being to do anything.

I want my limits pushed. I enjoy seeing how much I can take, what positions I can contort myself into. I am competitive and relatively stubborn, and this falls into it.  While it not easy for me to beg or safeword, if it is truly too much for me I will do so.

If I’m uncontrollably shaking or shuddering (whether it be after intense pain play or anything else), it’s usually in a very good way. Don’t worry.

I react very strongly to play, but often in non-verbal ways. As I get more comfortable with you and my surroundings, I can get more vocal should that be seen as a good thing. If my lack of noise leaves you uncertain as to my reaction, ask, and I will blushingly get all flustered, but I will be perfectly honest. In the meantime, see the above comment about shuddering. My breathing will also change as I enjoy things more.

My neck, ears, scalp/hair are extraordinarily sensitive. My neck is also very ticklish. There is a fine, fine line between tickling and amazingly enjoyable caressing of my neck, but please don’t let that keep you from touching that area.

I enjoy struggling and being fought down in the takedown kind of way. Call it my inner cave-woman. Basically, I like knowing I can’t win. Similarly, I like being in bondage that I can’t escape – if I can struggle and not get out (whether it be rope or your arms), that pushes all of my buttons.

I am a bit of a snarky, sarcastic brat. Comes with the personality. That said, when I find (or am informed of) a boundary, I respect it.

It’s highly likely that I will want to move slower on sexual things than other people you play with, especially relative to the rest of the kinky community. I’m very choosy with who and how I sexually interact with others.

I am not an exhibitionist. I can sometimes enjoy doing things in public if it’s a skill I’ve developed well (showing flexibility in a tie, etc.), but in general I’ve never gotten past feeling like things that make me respond sexually or involve full naked-ness should be private. That said, I can and do participate in kinky play in public as it tends to be the safest space for a single female bottom to do so. I don’t, however, tend to get very sexual if it’s sexual at all in those public situations.

I have varying levels of climax, and can often get full satisfaction from a series of small shuddering climaxes. I don’t need an earth-shattering, scream-inducing orgasm to enjoy myself. In general, I prefer that my orgasm not necessarily be the end-goal of a scene, especially if the scene is in a space that is at all public. Call it performance anxiety, see above thing on exhibitionism.

I’m open to non-sexual kinky play with select females. This is something I’d be most comfortable with if I was interacting with a couple, rather than with a female one-on-one.

25 Things About my Sexuality

1 year update found here: https://inquisitiveexplorer.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/25-things-about-my-sexuality-revisited/.

Many of my fetlife friends have been posting these. The trend is based on this website: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I don’t have the nerve to post my 25 things quite so publicly (on fetlife), but here’s mine.

  1. I’m a masochist. I love pain. I love way it makes me shudder, scream, and sometimes cry. I love how it gives me a reason to fight and struggle, yet simultaneously can guarantee my surrender. I like submitting to it, I like knowing someone is getting off on inflicting it. I also have a really high pain tolerance. Don’t be afraid to hurt me – I can take it, and if it gets to be too much, I’ll say so.
  2. I’m afraid of my own masochism. Despite all the things I just mentioned that I love, I’m afraid that my masochistic desires will prevent me from finding a relationship that will satisfy me. I’m afraid I’ll put my trust in the wrong person and end up hurt in the bad way. I feel somehow partially damaged for desiring, craving, and enjoying pain.
  3. I find it difficult to vocalize my feelings, from emotions to screaming from pain, it’s all hard for me, even more so in public play scenarios. In private, if I feel comfortable with you, I will make an effort to relax and let sounds happen. In public, I tend to withdraw vocally and it takes a bit to make me make noise. I’ve been told my non-verbal cues are explicit enough to make up for it, but others have been frustrated or disconcerted if I don’t scream from what some would consider heavy pain.
  4. If I start uncontrollably shuddering during play, almost 99% of the time it is a good thing. Usually, this happens after an intense amount of pain, although rope and other things with certain people evoke it as well. This reaction internally resembles something like aftershocks of a climax, and can be prolonged for hours. There may or may not be accompanying sexual arousal, but even without it, it’s still physically and mentally very satisfying for me.
  5. I can slip into subspace, but loud background noise gets in the way. I love feeling spacey and sated, especially when it’s combined with the aforementioned shuddering.
  6. I love pushing my limits. I’m pretty stubborn, and I enjoy seeing how much I can take. If it’s bondage, I like seeing how long I can stay in a position, or how much I can contort myself into a new one, etc. I tend to have more difficulty finding people who can push me to my limit. I love nothing more than playing with someone who is willing to challenge me, especially if their will is stronger than mine.
  7. With that, I will safeword if I need to but it is difficult for me. When I combine my own stubbornness with my innate desire to please, it gets hard to stop something.  If I’m petrified or freaking out or something and my Top doesn’t notice, I will bring it up, and if I don’t feel comfortable enough to do so then I shouldn’t be playing with that person.
  8. Realistically, I think most of the times that I’ve safeworded have been out of concern or fear that the Top playing with me was tired, sick of playing, etc, not out of need on my end.  I worry a lot about pain play or bondage being too focused on me, thus being work for the other person. It helps me a lot to hear whether or not my partner is enjoying himself. It also helps if I know in particular that the person enjoys whatever we’re doing – rope play with a rigger, pain play with someone who considers himself a sadist, etc.
  9. I love to write, and have written erotica for many years. None of it is nonfiction, but certain individuals have at times been the catalyst to my writing something down. I always appreciate feedback and interesting ideas. Someday, I might go on and write an erotic romance novel, but I need spare time first.
  10. I find comfort, relief, and pleasure in consistency, rules, etiquette, and protocol. Simultaneously, the intensity, extremity, and commitment of those things scares me and puts me off quite a bit. I haven’t figured out a good balance yet. This is a large part of what drives my rare submission, but also is a lot of what scares me about a D/s relationship.
  11. I have a love/hate relationship with light humiliation, in terms of being flustered or embarrassed. I like being made to blush. It doesn’t take much to get me to that point either – talking about sex, teasing, etc. does it quickly. I like the dynamic that type of teasing creates, and I like (and hate) the level of vulnerability that type of interaction fosters.
  12. I was raised Catholic and grew up with a Mormon best friend. I don’t attend services, but I do believe in and have a relationship with God. I don’t think sex should only be after marriage, but I do take issue with having NSA hookups, one night stands, or casual sex (defined in this case as intercourse) without some form of commitment/ongoing dynamic.
  13. I love and adore bondage, but rope bondage more than anything. I love the experience of being bound and the intimacy and sensuality that can be shared. I like the feeling of complete helplessness. I like testing my flexibility, struggling, and not being able to escape. I love the feeling of rope on my skin, the scent of jute, the bite of the binding. I enjoy bondage sexually – it definitely pushes my buttons – but I can also enjoy it as a mental release. I find safety and security in the bindings, and it does things for my stress level and mental state that I bet would rival therapy.
  14. I try to be very open minded, but at heart, sometimes I’m a conservative Indiana girl. I don’t know how to handle polyamory, queer identities, sex in public, and other things sometimes. I can get really awkward, and I don’t know the proper way to interact. Please don’t take this to mean that I am disproving, judging, or in any way responding negatively if you fall into these categories. If you tell me how to act or set the tone, I’ll do my absolute best to match it as quickly as possible. It’s just a hard to manage “I’ve never dealt with this, what do I do?!” reaction.
  15. I have horrible difficulty asking for what I want, including asking people to tie me up and/or hurt me, directing them to best please me, voicing my desires, etc.  I appreciate it when my partners make me talk about things, even when it’s embarrassing and hard for me (in fact, as mentioned above, sometimes the forced vocalization and resulting embarrassment can be arousing in and of itself). I blush, stammer, hide, etc. sometimes, and it’s better when people push me into vocalizing. On this same note, I find initiating contact with potential play partners extremely difficult, and greatly appreciate initiative in a partner.
  16. I’m not extremely sexually experienced. I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t had many sexual partners. In fact, I’ve done kinky things more than I’ve done certain sexual things.  I have a healthy sex drive, but as points above indicate, I’m not overly promiscuous.
  17. I find everything about hidden control in public to be incredibly arousing. Remote controlled vibrators, hidden rope harnesses, sneaky bites or pinches, very discreet play in a dark semi-private space – all of these things push my buttons like none other. That said, I highly value privacy and propriety, and have to trust that my partner will protect my reputation.
  18. I love to dance, and at different points in my life I’ve taken tap, ballet, hip hop, swing, tango, salsa, and broadway dance classes (some for much longer than others). Jazz/broadway style and hip hop are where most of my background lies. This is most relevant sexually in terms of my flexibility, which tends to surprise people a bit. I find ballroom dancing especially to be a great manifestation of power control, and a man who can spin me around a dance floor or keep up at a club is a whole different type of sexy.
  19.  I had a traumatic childhood experience with inter-female sexuality, and as a result I’m very, very hesitant to do anything sexual with a girl. I’ve loosened up on this a bit more over the last year, and am more open to playing in a kinky way with a female – especially as part of a couple who is topping me – but it’s still an often uncomfortable zone for me.
  20. Orgasms are strange for me. I can have a “mini” climax rather easily, but I’ve only had more intense orgasms a few times. Climaxes and shuddering from pain are their own separate category of pleasure. Too frequently, I get performance anxiety, especially in public play scenarios.
  21. I love to cuddle! I adore hugs and snuggling, and once you’ve welcomed it I’ll forever be happy to be a cuddle buddy. These feelings are amplified tenfold after a scene.
  22. More than I ever thought I would, I like edge play. The bite of fear thrills me. My reaction to fear scares me sometimes, but I do enjoy it. I’m curious about takedowns, kidnapping things, etc. (but only with role play).
  23. I’m entirely too curious for my own good. My curiosity has led me to try things I would never have considered, and usually I’m a “try it once before ruling it out” kind of person. There are many things that are going to take a lot of time, finding the right person, the right level of trust, etc. to do, but there are few things that I would rule out forever.
  24. I enjoy a dynamic where my partner is amused by my antics. I am very easily amused, and humor is important to me even during play. I enjoy it when my partner is also amused or is amused by my amusement, if that makes sense. That knowing, slightly condescending, stern look touched with humor can get me every time. Enjoying this dynamic is a large part of why I usually play with and date men who are older than myself. I’m not opposed to a younger guy, but I’ve yet to feel that same dynamic with a younger man. I will point out here, though, that there is a fine line, and if the condescension steps across it I become incredibly snarky and pissed off.
  25. I’m driven by my desire to make those around me happy. I vigilantly strive to please people. This drives my more submissive side. My snarky, independent side has spawned a switch-y being who may emerge at some point in the future, but it would definitely be more of a service top thing.