5/18

So, I’ve been a bit AWOL for a bit, meaning this might be a long one. I finally have a few minutes to myself, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts. It’s amazing how much this blog really helps me process and rid my mind of anxiety.

For the quick recap, I finished all my classes about two weeks ago, and I finished my capstone project last week. Last week I started moving stuff to my new apartment, which also meant sorting through all of my stuff and cleaning. I did paint my new room, though, which was fun and satisfying. I then traveled to Indiana, then to Arkansas, and now am about to head to Pittsburgh for graduation. My parents will then take me back to DC, stay for a few days, and then a friend is in town for a day. I then have quick turnaround before I finish the move. I have a week post-move to settle in and finish setting up my new place/relax, then I head to Boston for a week. I get back from Boston and have a friend visiting for a week, then I start my new job. The next weekend is Fusion…essentially, it’s go-go-go until late June.

One of the hard things about leaving town and being so busy these few weeks is that it means a distinctive break from kinky events. I feel like I’m missing a ton of stuff, but I think timing is part of it. I want to maintain good friendships and relationships I have with people, and play with some of the folks I’ve met recently, but alas it isn’t to be. I missed Rapture, and I’m missing a movie night, the DC rope play party, and a few munches/classes of interest. I also am not attending Shibaricon, which blows. I’m hoping to attend College Night, Dirty Things, and the Wykd_Dave classes while I’m in town at the end of the month, and hopefully I can keep my nerve to attend those things alone.

I tried to find some more kink-appropriate clothing, but my success has been limited. I even went to the porn store here in my Indiana town. The clothing was all so cheaply made or in garish colors, so I stuck with some fishnets. I really want something with garters that is well made and fits properly, preferably in black. I did purchase a new vibrator, which is exciting, as well as my first ever bottle of lube. Figured it was about time for that. My sister is all up in my business now, and is pretty much completely aware of my kink involvement. For all her drama and craziness, she really cares about me and I do love her. I wish we could have a closer relationship, but it’s hard being so far away.

One weird thing about being back in Indiana is that I have this strange confidence here that I don’t have in DC. I think I still feel kind of intimidated by all the sophistication and urbanity of the city. I feel HBIC enough when I’m home that I have a certain confidence, and flirting seems much easier. I know how to tease and smile in such a way that I can draw men in. In DC, I usually end up too shy or insecure to pull that off. I need to figure out how to eliminate that nervousness. –> Goal for the summer.

One of the big things going on in my life right now is finishing graduate school. It’s bittersweet. I’ll miss the excitement of choosing new classes and reading the syllabus for the first time, of seeing which faces are in your class and getting to know new classmates. I’ll miss the engaging discussions and “forced” activities. I’ll miss regularly seeing the friendly faces of my peers, the faculty, and the staff. I’m ready to be done with school, and in a few ways it’s a liberating change, but I’m going to miss so much. It has been an amazing 2 years. $72,000 in debt…but I have a future and a life right now that I didn’t have before. I found out that I’m going to be graduating with distinction, which is also a very proud moment for me. I didn’t think I’d get there. The final stretch with the capstone project was really rough – we had a teammate plagiarize, and our advisor didn’t fairly award grades. It’s over and finished, though, so even though our final product was not up to my standards, it was enough to graduate us all, so I can’t complain.

Moving has been a whole other set of stress and drama. I have so much stuff I’m getting rid of, and a lot of stuff that needs to be tailored if I want to keep it. I’ve lost a good deal of weight since last summer, and as a result my clothes are all out of whack. I also had boxes I hadn’t even opened in the year since moving from Pittsburgh, which is pathetic. I’ve organized and sorted everything I’ve packed and moved, and I’ve been trying to clean house. I do need a new bra and some new denim shorts/capris, but I think I’ll wait until June to fill those gaps. I also am debating buying a bed (as in headboard/footboard). I really want one, especially one that has some way of tying rope/cuffs to it, but it’s a bit pricey (approximately $1000), so I haven’t fully mentally committed to it yet. I feel like buying furniture is a very adult thing to do, and I’m not quite there.

With that, I still have to apply for a loan for my car, get it inspected, and then title/register it in VA. I also need to get a new license and register to vote, and then figure out cell phone plans/bills. All part of being a “real” adult for once. When I start my new job, I’ll be picking out insurance plans and finding doctors in VA, and things will get really real.

Making all of these transitions even more difficult, my parents are strongly considering downsizing into a downtown condominium. They currently have a 5 bedroom house, so this is a HUGE change for them. If things go as my dad wants, they’ll be moved by October. I’m at our house for one day in between traveling, and this very well could be my last time stepping foot in my childhood home. I’m freaking out a little bit. They have so much furniture and so many things they’re going to be getting rid of that I wish I could have, but I won’t be here to go through it, and I don’t have the money to store it nor the space to take it now. I had about 600+ books here, and I got rid of half today – the used bookstore gave me $55. For $2100 worth of books. It wouldn’t be that bad, only I would’ve kept them were my parents waiting 2 years to move. If I had my car here to take as much as I wanted, I’d have kept them all. As it stands, I’m taking 3 boxes of stuff, and leaving about a box of stuff for them to store. I’m trying not to get too upset about leaving all of my things behind.

My mom, of course, is not happy at all with the moving thing primarily because it means getting rid of so many things. She’s very materialistic, but also these things represent the last 30 years of her life. They mean something to her, or she wouldn’t have them. My dad keeps claiming it’s only stuff, but to her it’s more than that. I understand both sides. Simplifying life and limiting the number of possessions you have makes logical sense. It’s practical. I’ve just been doing that for a few weeks. That said, sometimes “stuff” is more than that, and there is meaning attached. Even if it sits in a box or in a corner, there is comfort taken from having it because you know it’s there. If something so small can add comfort or stability to your life, what’s the harm? I know my mom borders hoarders, but still, there’s merit to her depression this time.

I’m not sure what will end up happening, but the whole thing just further reinforces that there is no going home now, no going back. I’ll never again be living at home. I won’t even be home for more than a day or two. I won’t get to spend time with my family except once or twice a year for a few days. As much as they’re nuts, I love them and family is very important to me. It’s so hard living so far away. I wish I was close enough to come visit more frequently, but the jobs I want just aren’t out there. Then, of course, I start debating going back into local government. I know on many levels I’d be happy doing that type of work. Only now, my life is built in DC – my friends are all in DC, not in my hometown. Indianapolis has more folks, but it isn’t my community like DC is.  When I’m living day to day life in DC, I don’t feel homesick all the time because I keep myself too busy and fulfilled for that, but when I go home I get so comfortable and it’s just HOME, and it makes me wish for things to be a little different. All this change and upset at once is just difficult. Growing up isn’t easy.

4/30

After a great weekend, my emo attitude from last week is almost entirely gone. Amazing what friends, dancing, and pain can do for a girl!

First off, I bought some lingerie a little over a week ago. Some of it was too big (perils of buying online and being curvy), but the stockings and garter set fit perfectly. This weekend was my first chance to wear them, and it was great. Somehow wearing thigh-high stockings with garters makes me feel incredibly alluring and sexy. It’s also a great reminder of femininity.

In general, going to this month’s Rapture event really amped up my mood. I was able to try a bunch of things for the first time, I met some new people, and I got to hang out with some really good friends. Since I live across the city, I don’t see these folks as much as I’d like. I forgot how much I enjoy their company. I really appreciate being able to be myself without any judgement. One benefit of moving this month will be being closer to these folks, enabling us to hang out more.

Now, for the things I tried. I actually tied someone else up all by myself! I did a chest harness and hogtied my friend, and then her boyfriend stepped in and did knife play on her. I was able to get it all to stay and she couldn’t get out, which was awesome. It was kind of strange because when I finished I realized there were a bunch of people watching me. I didn’t ever think I’d enjoy being the one doing the tying, but I did. I think it was primarily because I could joke with my friend, and try out the things I wish I could have done to me.

That experience is one more step along my journey of admitting my internal switchy-ness. I was thinking about this on my commute this morning, and how I enjoy teasing people and messing with them a bit. I like turning the tables every now and then (or trying to). For rope, I just love everything about it, and it’s fun.

Another new thing for me was experimenting a bit deeper with breath play. It still frightens me, and the only reason I was willing to go there was because this person is truly an expert. Breath play doesn’t have to involve smothering or being choked out, but can include general moderation of the way in which you breath. Really, it was mainly a mindfuck – he wasn’t cutting off my air, but his hand around my throat made me think he was so I would stop breathing. It intensified the other sensations we were experimenting with, and I surprised myself by enjoying it.

I also worked up the nerve to try needle play. This one was a biggie for me. It was kind of funny, I was watching my friend do a pretty intense needle play scene from a distance, and someone caught my expressions. (I have a horrible poker face.) Apparently, I looked confused and somewhat upset by the scene. I admitted that needles squick me out – something about going in and out of the skin just freaks me out. Logically, I knew it probably didn’t hurt that badly, but still. Despite my fear and uncertainty, I really like to try things before I judge them, and this person offered to let me try it. Crazy enough, I actually enjoyed it. On my arm, I didn’t even really feel the needle at all. Same on my thigh. On my back, however, it hurt quite a bit more. I don’t know what it is, but that type of pain immediately sent me on an endorphin high, and I came pretty close to getting off on it (and there were just 3 needles). I should’ve suspected I’d like it, given my propensity for playing with thumbtacks. It’s not something I can do to myself because of the squicky factor, but I enjoyed doing it with someone else.

I was comparing needles to cutting in my mind, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I’ve written before on the cutting scene I did and how it really messed with my mind. It’s basically too edgy for me. Needles, though, while still being edgier (and considered more extreme by many BDSM players), are far less dangerous. As long as you avoid veins, your many layers of skin can pretty much handle being pricked without much danger. If you use small needles, than there’s not a lot of blood, few (if any) lasting marks, and yet you can still get endorphins and pain/release. Anyhow, I definitely surprised the hell out of myself for enjoying it.

Lastly, I also did some rough body play for the first time. This has actually left some marks, which rarely happens, so that’s kind of interesting. I had a lot of fun with it, particularly because it involves a lot more physical contact, intimacy, and reinforces the physical overpowerment that I enjoy.

Overall, the evening revisited my exploration of pain quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, and generally helped me release some of my frustration from school and life. I’m still not comfortable with masochism, especially as I can enjoy and tolerate relatively heavy amounts of pain, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I rationalize things because I enjoy them, they’re consensual, and they don’t cause lasting harm. Despite that, my discomfort comes from the associations with self-harm and that it really doesn’t scream “I’m a healthy, sane person” when you enjoy someone beating up on you or jabbing you with needles. In many ways I love being unique, but I’m not fully comfortable being downright edgy either.  Since I went a few months without any type of intense/edgy pain, I know it isn’t necessarily a need I have, but it is something I can enjoy quite a bit. That makes me feel a bit better about it, but I’m still not sure the role my masochism will (or should) have in future relationships.