Adrift

Kink isn’t just part of my sexuality. It often enhances arousal and many aspects turn me on, but it is more than that – it is how I am who I am. I have difficulty expressing myself and allowing myself to feel emotions fully – kink helps me do those things in a healthier way.

When I am bound, I have no choice but to relax. I can’t escape, I can’t move on, I can’t go somewhere else – I have to exist where I am. My mind has to accept that I am where I am, and in that I can focus and my mind can let go.

When someone hurts me, it gives me the socially acceptably opportunity to react. People think I’m easy to read, that my reactions are obvious. And, to some extent, they are – I can’t lie well, my facial reactions to things are visible. I don’t often disclose what’s below the surface. I’m scared to show my real reactions to people. I monitor and control myself all the time, just in case, to keep the peace. I want all those around me to be at optimal happiness, and I’ll do my part to get them there. It’s hard, though, always being on point. Always worrying if I’ll react inappropriately. I joke about being awkward, that’s why – I’m worried I’m reacting inappropriately. When someone hurts me, reacting is appropriate, it’s expected. It’s allowable, even appreciated. I can relax, and I can let go.

Without these things, I’m less. I’m less vibrant, and less balanced. I get more run down. I get more jaded, sad, lonely.

Sometimes I wish I had other ways of coping. Sometimes I think back to times when I did, and I wonder if I was better off. I wonder if I should be focusing on therapy, or on religion. I wonder if I should be pouring my energy into certain self improvement projects to try to get these same emotions. At the end of the day, however, this is now what I’ve become relatively reliant on for staying balanced. Unfortunately, without it, I’m at a loss. I’m adrift and I need someone to toss me a line – literally and figuratively – to rein me back in.

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Story Idea and Thoughts on Play

I was fantasizing before bed last night, and I think I finally have some good inspiration for a story. On top of that, of course, it got me thinking about past experiences.

The basic premise of my to-be story is a focus on power exchange, pushing limits, and voluntarily suffering. Basically, instead of utilizing bondage to make someone helpless as in most of my writing, it would be using someone’s submission to her partner’s authority. Instead of being tied down, she must hold herself still. She must offer herself up for the things that are tormenting her – ask for them – even when she is crying from wanting them to stop.

As normally happens when I’m pondering a story idea, I started thinking about logistics, this time in the way of safewords and limits. How could the submissive character’s limits be pushed? How have my limits been pushed? Well, in truth, they’ve only been pushed a few times…I could count on one hand and precisely recall each time.

This came up a bit at Winter Fire, and I think the person I was playing with and trying to explain myself to didn’t get it at all. I’ve since tried explaining it to someone else who did seem to get it, so I’m not sure if it was me or him the first time. I could have just been too awkward to explain myself well. Anyhow, both times, I was trying a toy on my nipples that was excruciatingly painful. My nipples are very sensitive, but I do really like pain in that area. Thing is, there is pain that is pleasurable in and of itself, and then there is pain that just freaking hurts. I have a high tolerance, and I can endure the latter, but I do not desire to of my own free will. I will, however, gladly endure such pain if it pleases my partner. I will find extreme pleasure in suffering so deeply for my partner’s pleasure, mostly because of the strong sense of subjugation and power exchange. That difference – enduring for someone else versus for myself – is enough for my mind to switch all the sensations into this torturous pleasure.

So basically – put the little toy(s) on and ask me if I want it off – yes, I do. Don’t ask me and instead smile or get turned on by my pain – I’ll keep them on a little longer and won’t safeword. Should I be about to absolutely pass out from pain, I’ll safeword…but if you ask me if I want them off, of course I’m going to say yes!  Not too complicated, eh?

I guess my limits aren’t pushed usually because often, people ask me if I’m ready to stop. Usually, that’s a social cue that they’re ready to stop (or at least that’s how I take it). Most people at events have several shorter scenes, and I don’t want to monopolize anyone’s time. As a result, I’ll say sure, I’m ready to stop, even if I could go for much longer. By pushing limits, I mean I want to be pushed to the point where I want to stop, where I would beg for it to stop, and I want my partner to push just a bit farther. I want to scream and cry and plead, and have my partner revel in that power and choose when to stop as he so pleases.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to decide when clamps come off or a scene stops. I want my partner to trust that if it’s truly too much, I’ll safeword, and the rest of the time, do as he will and enjoy the hell out of it, and I’ll enjoy it equally as much in response. You are in control – stop the scene when you’re ready to be done, and I’ll stop it with a safeword if I need to. Don’t ask me when to do it or that puts me in control of everything!

Book Review: “Hurt Me So Good”

Something about being home just makes me need pain…it’s really a wonder I didn’t turn to full-on self-harm early on in my childhood. Seriously. Lately, though, with the stress of work, and pretty much everything, I really need the cathartic release of pain. I also am craving the pleasure of it.

I re-read an erotic novel last night that sort of highlighted my struggles with masochism: “Hurt Me So Good” by Joely Sue Burkhart. The quick summary/snapshot, courtesy of Amazon:

Victor Connagher is no stranger to the Dallas BDSM scene. As CEO of a risqué cable channel that caters to adventurous adults, he ensures the lifestyle is portrayed in a positive light. He even supports a local bondage club. Yet behind the cool, confident mask, Victor lives in fear. Once, and only once, he lost control of his inner Dom—and it cost him his fiancée. Now, no one knows how hard he works to keep his darker appetite for pain buried. No matter how much his saucy, confident associate producer makes his fingers itch to once again take up his riding crop. Shiloh Holmes is a sub, but she’s no doormat. She’s always suspected Victor has the skills to feed her insatiable need for pain, and now she’s found the perfect way to crack his formidable control. Develop a new reality show, America’s Next Top sub…and dare him to compete. Week after week, as Shiloh fearlessly challenges the real Victor to come out of hiding, he realizes his past mistake was only a blow to his pride. If he loses Shiloh, he could lose his heart.

It’s a great novel, and I strongly recommend it. It’s hot, it’s interesting, and it gets to the heart of a lot of issues. At one point, the protagonist is describing an instance when she tried to convince a vanilla lover to experiment with her. For clarity, the protagonist is a heavy masochist. The book read:

I wanted him to hurt me. At first, he was horrified. He thought I hadn’t been enjoying our sex life at all. I told him no, it was fine. I just needed…more. … It hurt him, in a bad way that I absolutely hated. I couldn’t ask him to do that. I like pain, yes, but I want to enjoy it, and know that the man giving me that pain enjoys it too. If he’s not getting off on it, then I won’t either. My boyfriend hated it. He hated hurting me. I knew he was going to end up hating me too.

He delves into her need to suffer for him, and he struggles a lot with his sadism and a fear of losing control. She describes her love of pain so perfectly too:

I want you to hurt me like that again. I need it. When you take me to that dark, sharp place of pain, then that’s where I find myself. I’m free there, freed by the pain and the pleasure it brings.

I feel the same way. I don’t want to be hurt unless the person is getting off on it. I NEED my partner to get off on hurting me in order to relax.

I am craving pain like a crack-addict in withdrawal right now. I want the wicked gleam that promises evil things are coming my way. I want to revel in the darkness, to scream, struggle, and eventually surrender. I want to let the pain blossom inside me, curling through me and setting my nerves aflame. I want to feel the ache and bruises afterwards. I really want the tender caresses and brutal savage fucking too… Blerg.

 

 

November Rapture

As per usual, I’m thoroughly exhausted after this month’s Rapture. I’m also deliciously sore and bruised and on a happy high from interacting with so many of my favorite new and old friends. One notable moment was getting an amazing paddling from a good friend. I’ve been craving a heavy beating for a while, and I wanted to play with someone sadistic enough to really push my limits. I definitely got what I asked for. I didn’t end up sobbing entirely, but was teary. I also let out a few bloodcurdling screams towards the end that surprised even me. I’d love to play that hard regularly, but I think I’d scare the ever-living shit out of people at most public events. Generally, it seems I’m a much heavier masochist than most people that go to those events.That beating was more of a cathartic release, although I was still mildly turned on from it, and the aftermath could have been developed into climax pretty easily had there been opportunity. Later in the evening, I came from some nipple torment while bound… not for the first time. Seeing as how I can climax from pain to the nipples, yes, I’m a masochist, pain slut, whatever people may call it.

Another notable thing – I topped a guy. Well, I co-topped him with another female. I find it interesting. Part of me gets great joy from being evilly mean and having him respond positively to it. It  makes me giggly. On the other hand, I’m really afraid of going too far or hurting my partner, and I’m a little insecure about it, so it freaks me out. I think I’m to the point where I don’t get off on being in control, but I can have fun topping. Mainly, I see topping as a service thing to please my partner, and if I know what they like and I’m doing it, it’s just a different manifestation of pleasing them. Do I want to play with fear, surprise, control – not so much. Flogging, sensory play, riding crops – maybe. We’ll see where this tangent goes as it continues to develop.

In other news, registered for Winter Fire tonight. I’m really excited for this event because so many people I know are going, which will make it a LOT of fun. Hopefully this week won’t destroy me at work. We have lots of meetings, deadlines, and such and I also have an important application and narrow deadline to meet as well. Saturday is christmas event day in Old Town, though, then I’m going ice skating Sunday, so there should be a lot of fun going on :).

4/30

After a great weekend, my emo attitude from last week is almost entirely gone. Amazing what friends, dancing, and pain can do for a girl!

First off, I bought some lingerie a little over a week ago. Some of it was too big (perils of buying online and being curvy), but the stockings and garter set fit perfectly. This weekend was my first chance to wear them, and it was great. Somehow wearing thigh-high stockings with garters makes me feel incredibly alluring and sexy. It’s also a great reminder of femininity.

In general, going to this month’s Rapture event really amped up my mood. I was able to try a bunch of things for the first time, I met some new people, and I got to hang out with some really good friends. Since I live across the city, I don’t see these folks as much as I’d like. I forgot how much I enjoy their company. I really appreciate being able to be myself without any judgement. One benefit of moving this month will be being closer to these folks, enabling us to hang out more.

Now, for the things I tried. I actually tied someone else up all by myself! I did a chest harness and hogtied my friend, and then her boyfriend stepped in and did knife play on her. I was able to get it all to stay and she couldn’t get out, which was awesome. It was kind of strange because when I finished I realized there were a bunch of people watching me. I didn’t ever think I’d enjoy being the one doing the tying, but I did. I think it was primarily because I could joke with my friend, and try out the things I wish I could have done to me.

That experience is one more step along my journey of admitting my internal switchy-ness. I was thinking about this on my commute this morning, and how I enjoy teasing people and messing with them a bit. I like turning the tables every now and then (or trying to). For rope, I just love everything about it, and it’s fun.

Another new thing for me was experimenting a bit deeper with breath play. It still frightens me, and the only reason I was willing to go there was because this person is truly an expert. Breath play doesn’t have to involve smothering or being choked out, but can include general moderation of the way in which you breath. Really, it was mainly a mindfuck – he wasn’t cutting off my air, but his hand around my throat made me think he was so I would stop breathing. It intensified the other sensations we were experimenting with, and I surprised myself by enjoying it.

I also worked up the nerve to try needle play. This one was a biggie for me. It was kind of funny, I was watching my friend do a pretty intense needle play scene from a distance, and someone caught my expressions. (I have a horrible poker face.) Apparently, I looked confused and somewhat upset by the scene. I admitted that needles squick me out – something about going in and out of the skin just freaks me out. Logically, I knew it probably didn’t hurt that badly, but still. Despite my fear and uncertainty, I really like to try things before I judge them, and this person offered to let me try it. Crazy enough, I actually enjoyed it. On my arm, I didn’t even really feel the needle at all. Same on my thigh. On my back, however, it hurt quite a bit more. I don’t know what it is, but that type of pain immediately sent me on an endorphin high, and I came pretty close to getting off on it (and there were just 3 needles). I should’ve suspected I’d like it, given my propensity for playing with thumbtacks. It’s not something I can do to myself because of the squicky factor, but I enjoyed doing it with someone else.

I was comparing needles to cutting in my mind, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I’ve written before on the cutting scene I did and how it really messed with my mind. It’s basically too edgy for me. Needles, though, while still being edgier (and considered more extreme by many BDSM players), are far less dangerous. As long as you avoid veins, your many layers of skin can pretty much handle being pricked without much danger. If you use small needles, than there’s not a lot of blood, few (if any) lasting marks, and yet you can still get endorphins and pain/release. Anyhow, I definitely surprised the hell out of myself for enjoying it.

Lastly, I also did some rough body play for the first time. This has actually left some marks, which rarely happens, so that’s kind of interesting. I had a lot of fun with it, particularly because it involves a lot more physical contact, intimacy, and reinforces the physical overpowerment that I enjoy.

Overall, the evening revisited my exploration of pain quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, and generally helped me release some of my frustration from school and life. I’m still not comfortable with masochism, especially as I can enjoy and tolerate relatively heavy amounts of pain, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I rationalize things because I enjoy them, they’re consensual, and they don’t cause lasting harm. Despite that, my discomfort comes from the associations with self-harm and that it really doesn’t scream “I’m a healthy, sane person” when you enjoy someone beating up on you or jabbing you with needles. In many ways I love being unique, but I’m not fully comfortable being downright edgy either.  Since I went a few months without any type of intense/edgy pain, I know it isn’t necessarily a need I have, but it is something I can enjoy quite a bit. That makes me feel a bit better about it, but I’m still not sure the role my masochism will (or should) have in future relationships.

Sacrilege

This post is entirely inappropriate for posting on a religious holiday…but at least the play wasn’t on a cross?

In general, public play has always tended to be more pain-centric for me. In Pittsburgh, I was so new to things, and public play was always focused on impact play. In DC, I got a bit more adventurous with play, and there are so many more venues for public play. Thing is, whenever people tried to use a vibrator or get more sexual in nature in public, I froze up.  I now realize that I just wasn’t comfortable with those people touching me that way for some myriad of reasons. They were poly and had a primary, or we hadn’t played together more than once before, there wasn’t a connection (feeling objectified by someone for real, not for show, isn’t hot to me), or I just plain wasn’t sexually attracted to them at all. Even if we’re not about to jump into bed, I need to want the other person to touch me, which requires some level of attraction and comfort. Basically, I can’t get off from playing with just anyone, and while I might agree to play or practice rope or something with someone, that doesn’t mean I’ll react well to them touching me sexually.

I also think another part of my inability to get sexual in public was because pure pain, while cathartic, doesn’t get me sopping wet or anything.  I can attain a physical release from intense pain, but it doesn’t get me “ready to go” like other forms of play. This is part of why I’ve kind of strayed away from intense pain scenes since I first started realizing this a few months ago. Rope more than anything, however, has always evoked a more sensual response from me. Very intense or restrictive bondage makes me far hotter than pain does. Strangely enough, though, while rope was my “gateway” into BDSM in the first place, in my kink exploration it hasn’t been the focus. Since the first event I attended in Pittsburgh last January, I was preoccupied with exploring my masochistic side with rare exceptions. In DC, I attended rope events, but they were educational and it wasn’t “play.” Basically, public play with rope in a non-educational way has been a new experience for me over the last several weeks.

Anyhow, I came in public last night for the first time. I didn’t know I could do that, and it surprised me. I actually got turned on enough and was in the moment enough that I was able to focus only on the two of us and what we were doing, not the people around us or anything else. Then, ta-da, climax. And, have to say, not just a climax, but a really intense one compared to my orgasmic history. Part of me was turned on enough that I probably could have orgasmed at least one more time, but simultaneously the first one left me shaking considerably and a second probably would’ve left me hanging by the ropes alone.

So, good to know that’s possible.

In other news, 3.5 weeks from tomorrow I’ll be done with grad school!! Guess I need to stop procrastinating and do my presentation for tomorrow, then all I will have left for that class is attendance.

1-22

I feel a little bit like I’m leading a double life lately. I mean, I kind of am, but it’s been a bit more real. I have to alternate which group of friends to hang out with, and I can’t divulge details about one to the other. It really became noticeable this weekend. A lot of my female vanilla friends keep encouraging me to get together with one of our male vanilla friends. It gets tricky because I do have some feelings for this guy, but he’s as vanilla as they come and he leans more s-type anyhow. I’m not to the point where I feel comfortable saying I can go without kink or without at least talking openly about it in a relationship, but nor am I at the point where I think it is a necessary thing either… I don’t know. I’m just not ready to risk a solid friendship, especially added to the fact that we are in classes and everything together too. I can’t explain the kinky reasoning or this dilemma to the friends pressuring me, so they don’t get why I’m not going for it. Seriously, it gets messy and I don’t have time for drama.

That aside, I’ve realized that I have issues with authority. I find this highly ironic given my intense attraction to authoritative figures. Thing is, I’m a skeptical person. I don’t just accept what I’m told – I question and figure out for myself whether or not to agree or accept things. I like to make up my own mind. Once someone has proven themselves knowledgable or essentially just gained my respect, I fully defer to their authority and I love having it there. I just don’t accept it as easily initially as most people. This translates into my BDSM interactions too. Basically, I’m not going to defer to someone who isn’t worthy of it or whom I can’t respect.

I keep warring between accepting and reveling in my masochism and kind of shying away and hiding it. It’s so complicated. I experienced my first cutting scene (which was horrifying and exhilarating), and I can’t wait to do it again. On some levels, I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how much pain I can endure and enjoy, and I’m excited that people want to hurt me. I want to show off my marks and play with pain. But then, at the same time, I’m worried I’m going to seem too extreme and scare off potential partners. I don’t want to be too extreme, or considered even freakier among the kinky community. I don’t know, my brain gets too confused about it sometimes. I don’t like being outside society’s norms, and I feel like my masochism pushes me even farther out than most of my kinky interests.

Random, but we have a 2 hour delay for work tomorrow. I’ll have to skip some lunches or something to make up for it if I want the money, but the extra sleep will be worth it. Since I start earlier than 9 normally, it’s even more sleep for me! I guess I’ll have to head out at 10:15am, which pretty much makes my day.

I was supposed to go dancing on Saturday night, and my friends flaked. I still got to hang out with some great people, but still it kind of was a kill joy. I realized that I don’t have people down for adventure around DC. My friends are fun and no matter what we do, I enjoy it. Occasionally, I can convince people here to do something random and different. Thing is, I’m used to at least having one person always down for a last minute road trip or dancing or snow tubing or something. I understand getting tired and introverted, or wanting there to be more people involved, but it’s nice to have one person who’s always up for it. I’m spoiled because last year I had that person, and this year she’s back in Pittsburgh. I need to figure out who that person here can be.