I’ve been so stretched for time, I haven’t blogged in a month. I haven’t kept up with my positivity journal, or processed anything, and it stresses me out even further. It’s not a great place to be in, mentally.

Things have been crazy. I was out of town for a week on vacation. I’ve been home for 18 days, and I only spent 3 of those nights at home/by myself. Seriously. Between different groups of friends and a new dating prospect, there has been NO TIME. Two of those nights I was home were spent building furniture. I’ve wracked up about $2500 in debt this month alone from furniture-purchasing.

To add to my general state of stress, I’m going to the frontlines again for work for two weeks, leaving this weekend. Preparing mentally, packing, and getting things prepped at work hasn’t been easy.

If that wasn’t enough, I had to move rooms before leaving, which meant painting one room, repainting another, and a variety of random home improvement things. I’m still bummed because I didn’t have a chance to go through my stuff as I moved it (I wanted to purge unused things), but at least it’s moved and it looks good.

Further, my sister has been hospitalized 4 separate times within the last month (mental hospitalization). She’s been brought by cops each time. Two times, drugs stronger than weed have been involved. She’s officially bipolar manic depressive with psychotic episodes, and she doesn’t take her meds. She was evicted, and her fiance is apparently on the edge of breaking up with her. My mom is about to lose her shit because of all the stress. It sucks. The phone calls bringing up my past and spewing emotions and insanity whilst threatening visits aren’t helping either.

I have so much to process and think about, especially to try to recount positive memories as of late. There have been some. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been a panic-ridden mess lately to most people in my life. I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My to-do lists seem never-ending, and I just haven’t had the time I need to decompress.

I’ve been sort of seeing someone; it’s casual, but we’ve gone out 7 times. I have fun when we’re together, despite the fact that there are tiny things that don’t appeal to me. I’ve been more attracted to others, and it’d be great if he were a more decisive, gentlemanly type…but he treats me well and is open-minded. He’s much less experienced than anyone I’ve ever been with, and more religious. I do like him. I feel like crap though because the last three times we’ve hung out, we haven’t gone very far sexually. (There have definitely been times when we were there, though, so it seems extra weird to have done things and then not do them.)  Tonight, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go enough to enjoy myself. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t process. He seemed really ok with it, listened, cuddled for a hot minute, and talked as if he’d still be in touch/interested in hanging out/understood…but I feel bad. I feel like a tease. I don’t want him to lose interest because of it, but I don’t want to do things I’m not in the mood for either. Then, of course, as he was leaving I was able to relax a bit more and sort of get into it…but then it’s too late.

In times like this, I need a man who will pin me down, look in my eyes, and command me to focus on the moment and him. Then, he can slowly kiss and caress me and I’ll get into it and relax and we can all be good. He can use pain to draw me to the moment if I start to drift away mentally. This is where kink helps me relax into things. I’m so out of control right now that I’m worrying about everything. We’re making out, and I’m still thinking – about what may happen, how he’s doing, if my roommate will hear, etc. He takes the initiative to get pinchey/bitey, which is awesome, but I need someone to assert and take control of the situation in a way that leaves me no choice, otherwise I still worry and feel like I should be controlling things. Feeling like I should be in control when I’m so incapable of being so at this moment makes me worry and not relax. Ugh. How do I explain that? Do I? I guess I should, should we see each other again, that way he can try to do it…he’s been open to trying things before. But then, part of me just wishes I could find the right Dominant man who would just *be* that way.

5/18

So, I’ve been a bit AWOL for a bit, meaning this might be a long one. I finally have a few minutes to myself, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts. It’s amazing how much this blog really helps me process and rid my mind of anxiety.

For the quick recap, I finished all my classes about two weeks ago, and I finished my capstone project last week. Last week I started moving stuff to my new apartment, which also meant sorting through all of my stuff and cleaning. I did paint my new room, though, which was fun and satisfying. I then traveled to Indiana, then to Arkansas, and now am about to head to Pittsburgh for graduation. My parents will then take me back to DC, stay for a few days, and then a friend is in town for a day. I then have quick turnaround before I finish the move. I have a week post-move to settle in and finish setting up my new place/relax, then I head to Boston for a week. I get back from Boston and have a friend visiting for a week, then I start my new job. The next weekend is Fusion…essentially, it’s go-go-go until late June.

One of the hard things about leaving town and being so busy these few weeks is that it means a distinctive break from kinky events. I feel like I’m missing a ton of stuff, but I think timing is part of it. I want to maintain good friendships and relationships I have with people, and play with some of the folks I’ve met recently, but alas it isn’t to be. I missed Rapture, and I’m missing a movie night, the DC rope play party, and a few munches/classes of interest. I also am not attending Shibaricon, which blows. I’m hoping to attend College Night, Dirty Things, and the Wykd_Dave classes while I’m in town at the end of the month, and hopefully I can keep my nerve to attend those things alone.

I tried to find some more kink-appropriate clothing, but my success has been limited. I even went to the porn store here in my Indiana town. The clothing was all so cheaply made or in garish colors, so I stuck with some fishnets. I really want something with garters that is well made and fits properly, preferably in black. I did purchase a new vibrator, which is exciting, as well as my first ever bottle of lube. Figured it was about time for that. My sister is all up in my business now, and is pretty much completely aware of my kink involvement. For all her drama and craziness, she really cares about me and I do love her. I wish we could have a closer relationship, but it’s hard being so far away.

One weird thing about being back in Indiana is that I have this strange confidence here that I don’t have in DC. I think I still feel kind of intimidated by all the sophistication and urbanity of the city. I feel HBIC enough when I’m home that I have a certain confidence, and flirting seems much easier. I know how to tease and smile in such a way that I can draw men in. In DC, I usually end up too shy or insecure to pull that off. I need to figure out how to eliminate that nervousness. –> Goal for the summer.

One of the big things going on in my life right now is finishing graduate school. It’s bittersweet. I’ll miss the excitement of choosing new classes and reading the syllabus for the first time, of seeing which faces are in your class and getting to know new classmates. I’ll miss the engaging discussions and “forced” activities. I’ll miss regularly seeing the friendly faces of my peers, the faculty, and the staff. I’m ready to be done with school, and in a few ways it’s a liberating change, but I’m going to miss so much. It has been an amazing 2 years. $72,000 in debt…but I have a future and a life right now that I didn’t have before. I found out that I’m going to be graduating with distinction, which is also a very proud moment for me. I didn’t think I’d get there. The final stretch with the capstone project was really rough – we had a teammate plagiarize, and our advisor didn’t fairly award grades. It’s over and finished, though, so even though our final product was not up to my standards, it was enough to graduate us all, so I can’t complain.

Moving has been a whole other set of stress and drama. I have so much stuff I’m getting rid of, and a lot of stuff that needs to be tailored if I want to keep it. I’ve lost a good deal of weight since last summer, and as a result my clothes are all out of whack. I also had boxes I hadn’t even opened in the year since moving from Pittsburgh, which is pathetic. I’ve organized and sorted everything I’ve packed and moved, and I’ve been trying to clean house. I do need a new bra and some new denim shorts/capris, but I think I’ll wait until June to fill those gaps. I also am debating buying a bed (as in headboard/footboard). I really want one, especially one that has some way of tying rope/cuffs to it, but it’s a bit pricey (approximately $1000), so I haven’t fully mentally committed to it yet. I feel like buying furniture is a very adult thing to do, and I’m not quite there.

With that, I still have to apply for a loan for my car, get it inspected, and then title/register it in VA. I also need to get a new license and register to vote, and then figure out cell phone plans/bills. All part of being a “real” adult for once. When I start my new job, I’ll be picking out insurance plans and finding doctors in VA, and things will get really real.

Making all of these transitions even more difficult, my parents are strongly considering downsizing into a downtown condominium. They currently have a 5 bedroom house, so this is a HUGE change for them. If things go as my dad wants, they’ll be moved by October. I’m at our house for one day in between traveling, and this very well could be my last time stepping foot in my childhood home. I’m freaking out a little bit. They have so much furniture and so many things they’re going to be getting rid of that I wish I could have, but I won’t be here to go through it, and I don’t have the money to store it nor the space to take it now. I had about 600+ books here, and I got rid of half today – the used bookstore gave me $55. For $2100 worth of books. It wouldn’t be that bad, only I would’ve kept them were my parents waiting 2 years to move. If I had my car here to take as much as I wanted, I’d have kept them all. As it stands, I’m taking 3 boxes of stuff, and leaving about a box of stuff for them to store. I’m trying not to get too upset about leaving all of my things behind.

My mom, of course, is not happy at all with the moving thing primarily because it means getting rid of so many things. She’s very materialistic, but also these things represent the last 30 years of her life. They mean something to her, or she wouldn’t have them. My dad keeps claiming it’s only stuff, but to her it’s more than that. I understand both sides. Simplifying life and limiting the number of possessions you have makes logical sense. It’s practical. I’ve just been doing that for a few weeks. That said, sometimes “stuff” is more than that, and there is meaning attached. Even if it sits in a box or in a corner, there is comfort taken from having it because you know it’s there. If something so small can add comfort or stability to your life, what’s the harm? I know my mom borders hoarders, but still, there’s merit to her depression this time.

I’m not sure what will end up happening, but the whole thing just further reinforces that there is no going home now, no going back. I’ll never again be living at home. I won’t even be home for more than a day or two. I won’t get to spend time with my family except once or twice a year for a few days. As much as they’re nuts, I love them and family is very important to me. It’s so hard living so far away. I wish I was close enough to come visit more frequently, but the jobs I want just aren’t out there. Then, of course, I start debating going back into local government. I know on many levels I’d be happy doing that type of work. Only now, my life is built in DC – my friends are all in DC, not in my hometown. Indianapolis has more folks, but it isn’t my community like DC is.  When I’m living day to day life in DC, I don’t feel homesick all the time because I keep myself too busy and fulfilled for that, but when I go home I get so comfortable and it’s just HOME, and it makes me wish for things to be a little different. All this change and upset at once is just difficult. Growing up isn’t easy.

1/31 – Bye Bye January

I got the job! Well, sort of. I have moved on to the next stage of processing, aka extensive paperwork hell for security and medical clearances. I don’t have a salary offer yet, nor have I signed (or been asked to sign) an acceptance letter yet. But, they offered me the position contingent on all this crap. Crazy! So, now I have to decide how dangerously I want to live. I never thought about working in Afghanistan before. That said, I always said that if I was in better shape I probably would have enlisted…this is my civilian way of serving my country. The danger scares me, and in some ways the job isn’t ideal – it’s a male dominated office, the office has a bit of a bad rep, some of the jobs on contracts could be dull. On the other hand, having a top secret clearance, experience working with contractors, int’l experience, and lots of training/prof. development opportunities is a great deal for a first job. I feel like in many ways, it isn’t somewhere I want to be long, but is a good place to be for a short while. I’m going to move ahead with paperwork , and see what happens in the meantime.

I heard officially that I can’t stay where I’m at past Feb 22 – that’s the FINAL line. I’m now refocusing on something to fill the last 9 weeks of the semester so that I don’t go crazy with boredom. Hopefully, I’ll find something that will be good experience.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close made me cry (as expected), but was a great movie. It definitely deserves the nomination for best picture.

The number of people registered for DO:WF has surpassed 1,000. I’m more than a little overwhelmed by this. Hopefully I will not be hiding in a corner the whole weekend.

In other news, I’ve basically realized I’m afraid to date a vanilla guy at all. This is why I say no to second dates and shy away from flirting sometimes. I think I could handle not doing kinky stuff in a relationship, at least for the short term and I’m willing to try it. Thing is, I cannot and will not lie about who I am, and some members of the kinky community are good friends now. I can’t pretend to have not gone to events or participated in activities. I don’t know how to explain the friends without getting into the activities. I don’t know how to explain the activities at all without seemingly like some sort of crazy deviant, sex addict, or moral-less slut. I know I’m not a slut, but for someone unfamiliar to kink, it sounds ridiculous.

How do I explain the level of experience (or inexperience, rather) I have sexually whilst still making sense of the number of times I’ve been in intimate situations with folks – ala less clothing, pain, etc. Kinky play evokes sensual reactions, even when there is no outright touching or sexual contact – so is it sexual experience? Is it something I mention? How do I explain my enjoyment of pain, or do I not say anything? How do I tell them about my erotic stories, which are all kinky, without explaining the rest of my kink? How do I have a relationship with someone without mentioning any of it? I wish vanilla guys of interest would just somehow magically figure it out and be the one to bring it up or go there.

Basically, I don’t know how to be myself with a vanilla person. I acknowledge that certain vanilla people are open minded and may be able to talk about it without being into doing it, but I’ve not mastered how to discern who those people are yet. If I could find out VGF’s level of acceptance and/or interest in kinky things, maybe I’d feel less afraid of the possibilities there. Part of the appeal of meeting someone through the kinky community or an Alpha/dominant “vanilla” guy is that they make the innuendo, they bring up the out-of-the-norm sex stuff, they make the moves.

So, back to the search for a kinky partner in the meantime. I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up the kinky community and the openness and exploration. On a lot of levels, it’s fun and I’m young so why not have fun? At the same time, it’d be great to have someone looking out for my best interests, to play with regularly, to get sexual with, and to go out with in vanilla ways sometimes.

Moved and Settled-ish

I have officially moved to Silver Spring, and at this point all my stuff is unpacked/hung/decorated. It’s a weird feeling.

There are some great benefits to roommates. 1) There is always someone to share jokes, stories, happy, sad, etc. moments with. 2) I can sit down at a table for meals and TV with someone else. 3) If I need a hand to hang a photo, someone is there. 4) I have someone to kick my ass into going to the gym.

There are also downfalls…Namely, I miss being able to do whatever I want without worrying about anyone’s judgement or activities.

This isn’t helped by the friend sleeping on our couch for a week (he moves out Monday, thank God). Unfortunately, all summer there will be 4 of us living here, one more than the rest of the year. I love my friends, but this many folks is going to be a bit much. It saves money though, which is good.

I’m already missing Pittsburgh, most especially my kinky friends. I despise that I met a great person just before leaving. I hate that I have to start it all over again. Ugh.

There are tons of groups in the area, depending on how far I want to drive and what type of venue I wish for.

  • FREAK – Frederick, MD, but it’s a bit of a drive with traffic
  • Fairfax Munch – again a bit of a drive
  • Rockville Area Munch
  • Pirates Munch in SSpring
  • Black Rose
  • DC TNG
  • Baltimore TNG (again though, a bit of a drive)
  • Rope Bite Baltimore
  • Baltimore Bondage Club
  • The Crucible (which eventually will reopen)
  • Lucky Lounge club nights
  • FetFest Nights/Events at Tabu
  • Dark Odyssey (primarily for their big events)

It’s a TAD BIT overwhelming, more especially as someone new to the area, submissive, female, under-30, and generally not that experienced in all things “lifestyle” as it is. I need to find a non-creepy someone to go to an event with. I’m crossing my fingers that it happens.

Bittersweet Symphony

Frustrating: Finding a great play partner, and then moving. It’s unfortunate, especially because I think he’d be willing to push my limits, and I’d feel comfortable enough to let him.

Belt Spanking : Yes.

Hair Pulling : Yes x100.

Rope Bondage : YES.

Being pinned down, tickled, teased, and generally toyed with : Yes.

*Shiver* So fun, so good.

ChugChug

Chugging along, slowly but surely. Just a few things on my mind today.

1) FINALS. Ick. I’m making progress with my studying, but it’s rough. I hate having to choose between doing what I want to do, and what I should do. At the end of the day, I’m paying big money to learn things from this program, and I have to prioritize my education. It sucks – I’m passing up play opportunities, parties, and other fun things in order to study. *bitchbitchbitch* I do acknowledge what is most important, though, and I can’t blow 7 weeks of work in one weekend. So, studying it is.

2) I leave Pittsburgh 2 weeks from tomorrow. Of those I know that are also leaving, I’m the only one who is actually attached to Pittsburgh. Other people are sentimental about the friends who will be in Pitt for their 2nd year, but I will actually miss the city itself. I love the ambiance, the attitudes, the attractions. I immersed myself in all that Pittsburgh has to offer, and so I’m sad to leave it. I would be happy living here long-term. It makes me sentimental about Indiana, even.

3) Maturity and age do not always correspond. Soap box of the week: you need to respect your body, yourself, and those you care about. It is better to be classy than to be crazy. You can let loose and still be classy, if you are aware of your surroundings. No matter what it seems like, when you’re interacting with peers who will someday be colleagues, you should maintain some semblance of sanity.

4) I used to test in the Myers-Briggs as an INTJ: Mastermind. I’ve retested twice lately, and both times have come out as ESTJ (w/ the “e” being just barely). The descriptors fit me so well it is kind of creepy. IE:

“ESTJs are joiners.”

“ESTJs are driven to give service to the community in such areas as government employee, military or police officer.”

“ESTJs are very good at making impersonal decisions quickly.” “They value competence and efficiency.” “Their logic and honesty sometimes make them insensitive to others’ emotions.” “They are easily engaged in various pursuits.”

“ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.”
5) Have I mentioned I love to dance? I love it! I can’t wait to get involved in the social dance scene in DC. Thank God for friends who like to try new things with me!

Follow Up

We didn’t win the competition, unfortunately. We made top 5 out of 23 ,which I’m happy about, but no cash prize :(.

I reserved a penske truck today and figured out tv/internet for next year. I move 5 weeks from today…time is FLYING.

I have to write a 2-4pg paper defining global climate change…not an easy feat. I’m currently procrasinating (shocker, right?).

It was 85 degrees today – amazingly beautiful. Nothing like sunshine to cheer you up!

Last night I went to a munch that had an objectification demo, and then afterwards to a play party. The objectification demo made me think. In some ways, I think objectification is demeaning, humiliating, and it almost angers me. In other ways, I find it incredibly arousing.  Serving as furniture, for example, bothers me, but one-on-one could possibly work out. Serving as some form of grope toy, again in private, I think would be very hot. Serving as a platter for food or something, either in private or with just one other couple, would be embarrassing and difficult for me, but also is kind of arousing.  As with many things, I feel like it is something I’d have to approach with just the right kind of attitude with a Dom I very much trusted/cared for. Being someone’s christmas toy to decorate with tinsel and what not is humiliating, but not necessarily in a bad way as long as it isn’t done in a “making fun of you” sort of way or to laugh at me.

Anyhow, we went to a play party afterwards which was good. I got to experience a beating by the same Dom who really pushed my limits at the 4P and with nipple torment. I’m still crazy surprised by how much I love pain. I was shaking/shuddering for a good hour or so after we stopped playing. Moreover, I actually entered subspace, which was a first for me. It’s like things just stopped hurting for a little bit, talking got difficult, and things were just very pleasant. I came out of it a bit from talking with the Dom, which was probably good because I don’t know if I’d be able to safeword in that headspace.

I was a bit hesitant to play at first because no one else had started yet, and I’m not really a big exhibitionist. Making noise/reacting in front of others is hard for me. That said, on a cross it was easier because I wasn’t facing anyone, background music was loud enough to drown out others, and the Dom was more personal which kept things good. I also appreciate his ability to read the sub he’s playing with. For example, as I said, reacting in front of others is more difficult for me, I get more shy/nervous and embarrassed. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still hard. He started to encourage me to cry out and push for a reaction, but when he realized I wasn’t purposely holding back, he understood what was going on and switched tactics. I wish more people were that aware and willing to read their play partners.

I still can’t wait to try hard-core pain with more extreme restraints. I love being tied up in rope unable to move, and I love the pain…I can only imagine what it’d be like together. I’ve also been teased just enough to be very curious about tickle torture. I’m more ticklish than I ever realized before, and I find the sheer helplessness of tickling to be very hot.

I also met some great people I hadn’t met before, which was fun. The crowd was very positive, friendly, and intimate, which was right up my alley. People gave you space if you needed it, and were quick to laugh. Since I didn’t know many people going in, I appreciated that a lot. I am starting to feel very, very comfortable with the kink community and folks here…which sucks, in a way, since I’m leaving in 5 weeks.

3 weeks til classes are over, 4 weeks til finals are over, and 5 weeks til I move to DC. EEP.

So much schoolwork in that time period, though!

For my own organizational purposes:

This week, I have a blog entry, exam, and paper due. Then I have a week of nothing just a blog entry. The third week I have two group presentations, one group paper (5-7 pages double spaced), one individual paper (5-7 pgs, double spaced), and a group project (max 10 pgs, single spaced). The last week, finals week, I have two group papers (one with a 15 pg double spaced minimum, the other with a 15 page double spaced max), and 4 exams. But, one of the exams is open book/notes, and two others I get “cheat sheets.”  And of course, none of this included any of the reading I’m supposed to be doing.