Slowly Incorporating Submission

A couple of things have been on my mind lately, as a result of different conversations and photos and things.

First, I can’t stop thinking about chains, handcuffs, and cages. Rope is great, but it has been over a year since I’ve been bound tightly enough that I couldn’t escape. As a result, while I still love it, I think I’m comfortable with it. I still feel like I can escape. Metal bondage doesn’t allow for that, which is frightening but also appealing.

The more I think about D/s, the more I get nervous. In books, Dominants are great about sensing when a submissive is nervous or afraid and tailoring their approach. I’ve never met anyone who was that observant. I’ve never had a Dom comfort me or talk me into a submissive headspace.

If I’m going to submit to someone on a deeper level, I need to build trust. Everyone emphasizes trust, which is great, but how do you build trust other than giving it time? How does someone assert control in small ways to build that trust?

I’ve been trying to think about ways to do that. One, I think service is a great way to do this. Bitch make me a sammich isn’t really the hottest or best way to exchange power, but little requests/commands like that change focus. In the book I’ve been reading, the Dom forces his potential sub to make eye contact, to answer questions immediately and without hiding. In my mind, introducing rules early on would help. I think it’d be best to have vanilla sex before kinky sex (or at least, mostly vanilla – no toys/bondage, but power dynamics ok). That said, even before that, a couple can establish some sexual tension and D/s dynamics.

For example, when we spend time together, he can require I ensure my legs are spread a certain amount to be available to him. I can be relegated to the floor. Maybe he’d have me kneel until I ask to sit differently – ways of forcing me to ask him for something. In ways like that and others, he can force me to acknowledge my submission and the fact that with that comes communicating all my needs, comforts, etc. to him.

My inclination is to endure or suffer in silence. I don’t make a lot of noise during play, and I don’t like asking for help or depending on others. D/s is all about enabling a submissive to depend on her Dom for order. If I want a D/s dynamic to work, I need to have honesty/communication/vocalizing drilled in early on. Thankfully, those are things that can happen with less sex, so they can happen earlier on in a relationship.

Thing is, do I bring that up with a potential Dom? Do we sit down and have a conversation about how to build trust/control? I mean, really, wtf is the protocol here?

Someone I was talking to did bring up an interesting point about pride, though. I mentioned how begging is difficult for me because it makes me feel like others will view me as weak or needy (but also how it’s super hot). He asked if thinking of begging as a submissive act that shows how good a submissive I am would help. I think it would, actually. If I had a Dom who encouraged begging, who acknowledged it and praised me for doing it – even if not giving me whatever I’m begging for – I think it would be a helluva lot more doable on my end.

I’ll do a lot to please my partner. If begging pleases him, and he makes it a positive act and not a degrading one, then I think I could take pride in it. I think, too, it would help to know that asking isn’t futile. I will vocalize a lot more if I know it won’t be futile or punished, like it has been in other aspects of my life.

Code d’Odalisque and Protocol

Edited to add: This is my 500th post. Crazy! Funnier still that it revisits something discussed in one of the first blog entries I posted.

Someone I’ve been talking to mentioned the Code d’Odalisque the other day, and I’d never heard of it. It’s essentially a framework and extensive set of protocols for a male dominant/female submissive sexual slavery relationship. Read it here.

The Code was interesting to read. I was a bit surprised that someone had the time and energy to create such a document. I mean, they include things all the way down to how to address other slaves in text. That’s a bit intense. There are some things that really appealed to me, though:

  • As a whole, the framework emphasizes legality, consent, and the protection of vanilla reputation.
  • There are contract and many safety precautions.
  • There’s an emphasis on existing for the Master’s pleasure – training, service, etc. along those lines – and being tortured with pleasure.
  • There are formalities and rituals for initiating a period of intense service and for earning a collar-like necklace (only they are incredibly specific that it be tahitian black pearls…).
  • There are clauses that require honest discussion.
  • Masters aren’t permitted to cut their slaves’ hair, or beat her face, scar her, or humiliate/degrade her.
  • There are protocols for interacting within a D/s relationship that are built on a foundation of respect and care for one another.

Those things all have positive elements to them. There are larger things that bother me, though.

  • The slave is required to have no sexual desires or plans of her own. She becomes a passive vessel for her Master’s fantasies. I’m all for my Dom using me for his pleasure, and taking my submission as an opportunity to play out fantasies…but I also want my fantasies to be acknowledged. They don’t have to be included in our play, that’s my Dom’s discretion, but I have desires, and I’m not going to pretend they don’t exist.
  • The slave should not take initiative. I’m sorry, but sometimes, it’s fun to turn the tables, insomuch as I’m horny as fuck and want to jump my Dom. He’s welcome to playfully punish me for it later, or I’m happy to ask for permission to take initiative, I guess, if I had too…but too much restraint makes for no fun.
  • Similarly, the slave should be silent unless spoken to. I get this for a scene, or maybe a long scene/weekend of crazy-intense protocol, but for a regular dynamic, no thanks. I want to converse and joke with my partner. I want to be able to snark at him and have him tease me back. That’s part of who I am and what makes me happy in my relationships.
  • The code says sentimentality and vulgarity should not be in the bedroom…I beg to differ.
  • Clothing must be sacrificed – the code suggests putting them under lock and key. I can understand rules about clothing, inside and outside of the home. Selecting every item and having no access to clothing is micromanagement I’m not interested in. The point is for the captivity to be reemphasized…but to some extent, I’d rather be trusted with the choice. If you want me naked at home, fine, then  make it a rule. If I disobey it, discipline me. But wouldn’t you rather have my submission when I am faced with an option and I voluntarily choose to ignore the clothing, rather than forcefully keep it from me?
  • Service for obedience’s sake isn’t appreciated. Service should only be sexual, and all other types are sort of spoken down about. Literally, to the extent that wearing an apron indicates lesser status because odalisques shouldn’t cook, it’s beneath them. Sometimes, I want to cook for my partner because I want to serve him in that way.
  • With that, I want my submission to be valued in ways outside sexuality. If I want to clean or do something as a service to make him happy, why not do that? I want to exist for his pleasure, not just sexual pleasure, as long as my needs are being met and he’ll listen to my wants, and we can work out daily life responsibilities in a way that isn’t overwhelming to either partner.
  • Solitary confinement as punishment. Being deprived of affection and/or love, or being ignored, are dealbreakers. I’d rather use pain, or write lines, or have an activity restricted, etc.
  • There’s a lot of emphasis on sharing and how to interact with guests. I’m not sure on this. If I were going to engage in M/s in a group setting with other Dominants, I like the idea of having etiquette for that scenario. I just am not OK with a protocol that allows  my Dom to share me at his discretion.
  • Sex slavery is listed as an adjunct to marriage. My ideal is to find a Dominant that I can marry. I want to be wife and submissive, not just tertiary sex slave.
  • A series of individual protocols: referring to myself in the third person (Master’s slave thinks…), having no name or being renamed, mandatory marking/branding, chanting, a six year limit on a relationship, slaves aren’t allowed to toast at dinner, slaves must have an empty glass by their side for semen only and can’t have their own beverage cup otherwise, capitalization protocols with people other than my Dom…basically there are a bunch of nitpicky things that bother me.

Overall, I don’t think the code has a middle ground. You’re either a sex slave, or you’re not. You’re in “occlusion” or “sojourn.” What about the in-between? I want a more flexible dynamic. I think it’d work having a set of very formal rituals and protocols that can be lived out in a fantasy weekend here or there. The rest of the time, though, I wouldn’t want to be in “sojourn,” I’d just want a lesser amount of protocol. In the bedroom, there can be an element of pleasure slave, sure, but in life, sometimes protocols get in the way.

Honestly, I don’t know what level of control or protocol works for me. I’ve never been in a D/s relationship like that. I’ve been in relationships with men who Top, and I’ve dated men into D/s, but I’ve never built a power exchange relationship. When I think of having rules for clothing, greeting, speech, eye contact, sitting, and more, it overwhelms and scares me. I want some rules. I want structure, discipline, and subservience. I want to serve my Dom’s desires and please him, to feel his control over me. I just think that can be achieved in a variety of ways, both sexual and service-oriented, not all with protocol.

I also know that I can’t start out with protocols galore and such. I need to start with small gestures of submissive, and gradually escalate as trust, affection, love, and comfort grow. I need to be led into it, too, and with lots of positive reinforcement and constructive conversations so that I can learn and accept my role thoroughly. Being a submissive at all is a new thing and requires training and gentle guidance for me, being one with a high level/frequency of power exchange would require even more.

That said, protocols I think make sense would include wearing a certain type or style of clothing that fits my Dom’s preference, addressing him as Sir, keeping a journal, sitting on the floor unless alone or have his permission, asking permission to orgasm, on certain days maybe being required to do something specific with him in mind, etc.

Rules I think make sense would deal with how to maintain communication, how to behave in his presence, pet peeves to avoid, habits I want to instill that he’s reinforcing, etc. For example, if I am trying to exercise more, we can talk and have him make it a rule or provide some form of accountability so that I can reach the goal that I want. Note that the emphasis is on his guidance to accomplishing goals that I set and we mutually discussed, not on him trying to change me outside my will or without my acknowledgement. (Manipulation should be acknowledged and consented to.)

But really, the dynamic I foresee is similar to a “normal” (non-kinky) couple. We’ll live our lives, and when it’s just us, I’ll refer to him differently, defer to his decision-making – but be allowed to debate and joke, try to do things that please him when I can, and be sexually available to him. He would provide opportunities for me to please him (i.e. it would make me happy if you did x,y,z), or directly ask (sternly so I know it’s really a command) me to serve him in some way. If I have a problem with something, I voice my concern. If I have needs not being met, I voice them. If I have wants, I voice them but he can determine whether or not they’re satisfied. My choices are to obey, to disobey and be punished, or to end the dynamic.

Submissive Shortcoming

I’ve wondered a lot about why my dating interactions with “Dominant” men always seem to fail. On the surface, it’s been obvious (distance, one of us is less into the other, etc). I’ve always wondered, though, if it was just that I got so nervous that I wasn’t really being myself. Maybe, had I been my normal, slightly snarky, bubbly self instead of shy, quiet, and totally acquiesing, they would’ve been more into it. A conversation with a friend tonight is leading me to believe that in fact, maybe it hasn’t worked because of who my normal self is.

It’s frustrating. I’ve always been nervous and afraid that more dominant men will rule me out as an option because I’m very type A and generally have my shit together in day-to-day life. I’m shy with new people, but otherwise, I’m outgoing and energetic. I have a lot of energy, am not afraid to ask questions, and I lack much of a filter. Dominant men frequently just have this flirtatiously commanding persona they embody around submissive females (usually the quiet, more timid types), and they almost never act like that with me. Really, the ones that do tend to be the very experienced men or women, oftentimes “old guard” folks or those over 35/40. (Random, but part of why black rose appeals to me a lot is that most of the people I’ve met in that group tend to be of that “old guard” mindset, and don’t immediately disregard my submissive potential.)

I’m not submissive with everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less submissive. I have opinions, and I’m a planner and taking charge doesn’t frighten me. I’m capable of managing, both myself and others, but that doesn’t make me any less obedient to those with authority above me. I’m not totally new and inexperienced, but there’s a lot I have to learn and I’m very willing to be taught.

I’m strong, but I’m willing, able, and in fact sometimes near desperately desire to submit to someone else’s will. People never seem to see it. My closest friends see it, but potential partners never do. I’m a people pleaser. I will go out of my way to make sure those around me succeed, are happy, and have what they need. I will use all of my passion, energy, and enthusiasm to effectively serve my partner. It just takes me a bit longer to get there.

I can’t act like that with anyone. For me, it takes a great deal of trust. We have to have fun together, get along as friends, and have physical chemistry. I have to respect you, your actions, and the decisions you make. If you start taking a stronger/more commanding tone with me, I’ll respond to it. You’ll notice my starting to look out for your desires more and more.

And really, if you take that commanding, flirtatiously dominant persona with me from the beginning and you’ve establish some quick initial respect, you’ll generally be able to see the change in my reactions to you.

I guess I just wish men would see the potential behind the day-to-day self, and would be willing to take on someone who is maybe a bit more of a challenge, or at least is more teasing in nature. I want men to take on a more commanding air in my presence.

Life.

Well, after a few more days of decline, my sister is in the hospital. I got off work and read her fiance’s post about how much he misses and loves her forever, and I thought she was gone. It was a horrifying moment. It’s still frightening, because neither her fiance nor my parents have any idea what is going on. Unless she releases information, they can’t say anything to anyone…so we’re all in the dark, hoping and praying that everything is ok.

This is the first hospitalization due to mental reasons of a family member since I was in middle school. There have been many hospitalizations, crises, and other incidences, but not of this nature. It’s really difficult. I wish I could do something further to support my family.

In other news, the uber-promotion is officially gone, at least for the time being. I was right in that the major boss lady didn’t know it had even been offered before it was taken away by her deputy. I  may still be able to get a pay raise, but I haven’t negotiated my contract yet. On the plus side, I get to work on a high-profile, interesting job with a very competent manager, and I will likely have the opportunity to further prove my worth towards managing my own job next time around.

On a totally different note, our roommate search continues. We got stood up by a potential roommate tonight, but have a few interviews/showings set up for this weekend. I hope we can work it out soon – I don’t like uncertainty.

I also attended a class on M/s relationships last night that I’m processing. I’m sure I’ll write more on that later. The most notable takeaway in the meantime was that Masters take responsibility, and slaves surrender. A slave can surrender without being submissive in nature.

Random things – really enjoying Phillip Phillip’s “The World From the Side of the Moon” album and Avicci’s Rapture. I’m rereading Robin Brande’s books after having read a great book titled “Replay.” “Lean In” by Sheryl Sandburg is next on the list (I need all the encouragement to lean in and be empowered that I can get).

No Hiding Allowed

I’ve noticed a nervous habit of mine that has been driving me crazy as of late. First off, when I was training for some major scholarship interviews in college, I learned I have the habit of raising my voice at the end of statements. This generally would occur when I wasn’t 100% certain of what I was saying. Similarly, when posed a question that I wasn’t 100% sure of, I would sometimes say “I don’t know,” but then proceed to answer the question. Once, a mock interviewer compared me to Sarah Palin because of that habit. I no longer have those problems in the professional world – trust me, there’s nothing like comparing you to a mocked public official to shake you of a habit.

While I don’t always have those tells, I’m still less than terrific about being persuasive when I’m not 100% sure of my argument. If I’ve done the proper research and analysis, then I’m confident that I can withstand any argument (legal training for the win). If I haven’t done the research, while I may know more about a subject than those debating it, I don’t know enough to stand up to my own standard, so I get uncertain and self-doubting. It’s a very female problem, and it’s obnoxious. I’m working on acknowledging my own expertise (and I have been for quite some time), and I’m excited to read the book On Being Certain: Believing You Are Right Even When You’re Not by Robert Burton.

So while I’ve noticed, acknowledged, and been working on improving my tells regarding certainty in those realms, I haven’t really done a lot with it in the dating world. In my defense, it’s rare that a guy makes me nervous enough to fall into those habits. It may sound heartless, but while I date a lot of men, my level of interest is usually only moderate. I might get nervous about being awkward on a date, but I don’t get that “squee” feeling frequently. Notably, when I date people who are Dominant in nature – from date 1 – the problem is more noticeable  Essentially, the rules surrounding dating are altered, I’m less familiar with that type of dynamic, and as a result I’m uncertain. Part of the D/s dynamic involves keeping the submissive a bit out of her element, nervous, anticipatory, etc., and having less power – not having control – pushes me out of my comfort zone. I like it, but I fall into these stupid traits.

Basically, when someone asks me a question about feelings or thoughts, I may say “I don’t know.” I generally do this whenever I’m uncertain or doubtful of a response to something I’d say. It sort of gives me an out for whatever I say. By saying I don’t know, it looks like I’m just sort of pulling something together, so I’m asking someone to take it as a less certain truth. This goes against so much of what I believe, though, and I piss myself off when I do it. I’m all about owning your emotions and statements. If I have an answer, than I DO know. I’m saying it, so people should take it however they want, and saying I don’t know is a cop out. It’s an excuse and a placation, and it is me hiding.

I want a relationship where I’m not allowed to hide. I want my partner to force me to answer the difficult questions…I actually want him to enjoy my discomfort. (There’s a great line in an erotic story I read recently that captures this dynamic: see here, in the fifth section.) I want my partner to make me awkward, uncertain, flustered, and visibly enjoy that slight humiliation. I want him to either make it clear he enjoys my emotional predicament, or to command/sooth the awkward away, but it’d be delightful for it to be intentionally exploited.  When I get strangely uncertain and nervous, and I have these tells, it’s a prime opportunity for a partner to dominate me, should he share my interest in power exchange. It’s in these sorts of ways  that the power dynamic can be established gradually over the course of time, in unassuming ways.

Surprises

I was a little surprised by some things this past weekend. I’m at a point where there are so many options that I’m a bit paralyzed. I guess more than anything, there’s just a variety of situations that I’m open to now.

First off, I’m thrown by my interest in topping. I still have no interest in being the dominant partner in a D/s relationship, but I do enjoy messing with someone. I like pleasing people, I like swatting things, and I like having fun – if someone has fun and gets off on being swatted, then why not top? I shouldn’t be surprised, since I used to hit my friends with branches/newspapers jokingly all the time when I was younger, but I am. Mainly, I don’t get off on having control, but I do get off on my partner getting off. It’s a tricky combo.

On the exact opposite side, I really do want to pursue a D/s relationship. I’ve played more with some people who exude power, and it not only turns me on but makes me feel safe and happy. I like pleasing people, and being given opportunities to serve or please my partner. I like being forced to stay within certain boundaries. I’m rarely faced with true authority. I’m not manipulative, per se, but I’m persuasive and analytical, and even at work where I should be the subordinate, I usually get my way. Since I’m single and only responsible for myself, I have autonomy over my life and my decisions. I’m heavily influenced by friends and family, but at the end of the day, no one has authority over me outside of the law. I do things well, but it is so relaxing and amazing to be able to trust someone else to get shit done. It’s great to have someone else’s opinion to defer to. No matter how good I am at being in control and leading, I will always find more satisfaction in yielding that control to someone else, so long as that other person is qualified. It’s really just a matter of finding someone I respect and trust is that qualified person.

With that, I didn’t realize fear would turn me on so much. I tend to stay in my head quite a bit. I’m open with my reactions, but not with my emotions (at least not outside of this blog). If someone can get in my head and make me afraid, and is confident enough to fuck with me, well, that’s incredibly hot. Fear is an expression of vulnerability, and while I do everything possible to minimize vulnerability in my vanilla life, I really enjoy it in my romantic and sexual relationships. I’m craving that vulnerability now. I want someone to command me and get in my head.

Lastly, I’m slightly less put off by sexual play with women. I’m still not really comfortable with certain sexual things, but I do find some females and queer folk attractive. Who knows where that will go.

Love Languages and D/s Languages

The 5 Love Languages came up in a BR class on communication I attended this summer, and I bought the book soon after. Though I haven’t finished it, I did learn a bit from it. I attended another class last week on D/s and the love languages of D/s, and it brought the whole thing back to mind. Hence, blog post.

Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, and Acts of Service.

My receiving love language is (1) quality time, followed closely by (2) physical touch, with (3) words of affirmation in third. Without the first two, I won’t believe the third, but without the third I won’t be entirely fulfilled.

My giving love languages are quality time and acts of service, followed somewhat more distantly by physical touch. I stay really busy and highly value my time, so when I make time for you it shows I’m prioritizing you; the more time with you, the bigger the priority you are to me. On the service side, call it my midwestern upbringing or blame my submissive side, but I like to take care of my partner and do what I can to serve their overall happiness.

UndergroundSea’s Class on D/s Love Languages:

As for D/s love languages, the first note from this class was an organic power comment. In order to have a good D/s dynamic, you need to have an equal balance of organic power to begin, or the Dominant party needs to have higher organic power. Otherwise, if the submissive party has more organic power they must surrender more power as part of the D/s dynamic in order for there to be a power exchange. Organic power’s contributors include desire, confidence, comfort with conflict, and mental tenacity/wit/resolve. For me, I equate this to generally having your shit together. If I have my shit together more than my partner, than it’s harder for me to surrender enough power for there to be a D/s dynamic. Another way of looking at is Type-A or Alpha – I’m generally pretty Alpha, but if there’s someone more Alpha than me present I naturally step aside to them. That type of feeling is an organic power thing.

There are many more than 5 D/s love languages, and many that may not be on this list, but examples: verbal, physical, service, deferring for priority, privilege differences, exaltation/reverence, omitting social courtesies, physical subjugation, restraint and bondage, violation of space and dignity, infliction of physical/mental discomfort, obedience/capitulation, decision making, control of resources, supervision, and discipline/behavior modification.

Several things became apparent to me in this class, including my preferences and some ideas surrounding service, protocol, behavior modification, independence/pride, and brattiness.  Continue reading

Subjugation

As it’s probably been obvious, I’ve been thinking a lot about submission, D/s, and power exchange over the last few weeks. It’s something that, despite my extensive involvement in kink, I haven’t explored much. I’ve been afraid, and I may delve into that in a moment, but as I’ve experimented I’m seeing just how much it fulfills a need in me.

Most people – women especially – enjoy and need to feel protected by and safe with their partners. Respect, desire, trust – all those things play a role in most relationships, kinky or otherwise. Something about my history and my personality have combined and make it so that for me, I feel most safe when I trust and respect my partner enough to surrender control to him. I’ve built my life around maintaining control and doing so quite well, and for me to give that up indicates you’ve won me over entirely, heart mind body and soul.

That right there, that last bit – that’s the clincher. True submission comes with great trust, and the latter doesn’t come easily. To trust someone enough to submit to them means I need to trust them not to judge me negatively for the emotions I experience, to trust that they are committed enough to discipline or correct me for infractions rather than break up with me, to trust that honesty is encouraged and not too much information. I need to trust that they desire me and want to possess me. This is reciprocal – I obviously also need to desire this person, trust them to be honest and communicate with me, and be committed to them; if I was submitting, the presence of those things would be implicit in my submission.

So many people I know can have casual play situations that explore and delve into power exchange. I wish so much I could do so. I want to kneel at someone’s feet, wear his collar, crawl for him, stand in a corner, restrict my eye contact, use proper forms of address, worship his body, suffer for him, please, obey, and serve him. I want to be possessed, to be someone’s pet or plaything, to be mildly embarrassed and objectified. I crave that type of submission – the stern, knowing look, the command, the firm hand on my shoulder/in the small of my back, the caress of my hair, the slightly paternal condescension/arrogance. Thing is, the thought of most people doing this horrifies me, and I can’t be like this casually.

I have had to be independent since a very young age. If I didn’t take care of myself – from my basic needs to my professional/academic success to my happiness – no one would. I stopped relying on my parents to fulfill these things in middle school; I still let them influence me beyond that, but I could not trust them to make sure that I was ok. I had to rely on myself, and I strengthened and did so. Being weak was never an option in my household, and only invited further difficulties. When I trust someone to be my superior at something, I respect their authority wholeheartedly and I will have no problems asking them for guidance. Outside of that, asking for help is very difficult for me. I am stubborn and prideful.

I have built my life around this strict code of pride and independence, and it’s worked for me. I’ve gotten better at letting people in over the past few years, but it’s a challenge for me. I want people to see me as strong, to respect me – even if they’re Dominant and I’m submissive. I don’t defer right away. I don’t usually treat Dominant men any differently than any other men. I’m always a bit shy when I’m flirting with someone new, and I cater my manner to the person I’m talking with, but it isn’t the batting of eyelashes – oh Master please don’t hurt me – type of thing. I have purposefully kept myself from becoming the type of woman someone needs to pity or rescue, but most men go for the obviously deferential.

Basically, when I interact with men, even in the scene, they tend to see me as an equal right away. They see me like this because that’s what I want, and what I’ve spent my life trying to project. They may try to play; in fact, I was told recently I’m getting a reputation for being a good bottom, so cool beans on that. Men rarely try to get me to submit, however. It’s like they dismiss it immediately because I’m a bit type-A. They rarely get stern and commanding, slightly paternal or teasing. Yes, if you’re an arrogant ass, it’s annoying if you act like that. Thing is, my tendency to slip into an alpha role fades immediately when there’s another alpha present. I do react to “Domly mannerisms,” and my inner deferential submissive will show itself. If people don’t act like that with me, then they usually don’t see that side of myself. I lead when no-one else leads, I maintain control when no-one else is around who does it better…when someone who does it better steps up, I more than happily step down.

Essentially though, my issue is that the image I’m projecting isn’t attracting the type of man I’m interested in, but I don’t really know how to alter my mannerisms to change that. I don’t know that I want to, either, because I want to be true to myself and the strong, independent person is a big part of my life, just not necessarily my romantic/sexual life. It’s complicated, because to attract a Dominant, I need to show my submissive side, but to show my submissive side, I need to have this really high level of trust and respect that only comes with time, which happens after someone decides to get to know me.

To clarify, people that have known me a long time and are Dominant in nature don’t question my submissiveness. It’s like with everything in my personality. I guess I’m a bit complex, and I’m the type of person that reveals her personality slowly. Different questions, activities, interactions show different facets. People who know me really well love me for all these things that don’t really show up in a one-off happy hour or on a first date. It’s the same here, I just need to find a Dominant man who sees the underlying natural submissive urges and is willing to invest the energy and time to draw that side of me out from under the hard shell it’s been shoved under for so many years.

Lastly, I will add that I still worry that a fully D/s relationship would become stifling in time. I’m hesitant because I do enjoy elements of my independence. My level of submission does still entirely depend on the person I’m with and our interactions, personalities, etc.

Submissive Thoughts, Part 1: Being Honest with Myself

For most of the last year, I’ve focused on exploring kink and my sexuality. I’ve dated quite a bit, and I focused on trying to let myself open up emotionally with others (traditionally, that’s been very, very difficult for me). My work and school schedule, combined with my different groups of vanilla and kinky friends, made me feel stressed and busy. Kink was a good release, but D/s scared me. I needed to prioritize and focus on the goals I had set for myself.

The key there was that D/s freaked me out. When I was first interested in BDSM, way back in my teens, I thought a 24/7 M/s situation would be awesome and ideal. I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait for a man, so I pursued a bunch of other interests. Along the way, my ambitions and other interests became more central to my happiness, I got much more independent, and I started thinking in terms of a less than 24/7 D/s relationship. Even then, though, I still wanted to find a Dominant of my own. In fact, when I started this blog about 2 years ago, I wrote a post on my ideal relationship, and that involved a fair amount of power exchange.

Life got more hectic and things got crazy. I barely had time for myself. I dated a few guys who, while interesting, I wasn’t totally taken with and they started getting into all these serious things (poly, D/s commitment after just a few dates, high protocols). It scared me, and I backed away from D/s, hard. I switched my kinky label, and I got much more snarky/bratty/switchy with folks. I enjoy playing around, humor, pushing back, etc. Really though, part of it is a challenge. I still want to find a Dominant man, but by pushing hard, I know that I’m putting up walls on purpose to protect myself. I want someone to push through them, but I’m afraid of being submissive so I don’t let myself unless pushed there.

Thing is, to me, submitting means prioritizing my partners desires above my own. I get that my needs need to be met, but my desires can be subjugated to his desires. That’s a big thing. I maintain pretty rigid control over my life. I plan things, I host things, I make sure shit gets done. There are very few people I relax with and that I trust to have control and both be decisive and not abuse that trust. I’ve gotten better with this over the last year or so, in that I’ve formed some great relationships. Despite that, I’m so used to people not following through on their word that I have a lot of doubt. I’m a skeptic. An idealistic skeptic, but skeptic nonetheless. Long story short, surrendering control is hard for me, but when I do it I do so full-blast.

Realistically, I’m submissive in all aspects of my life. Pleasing people is paramount to me. In all of my relationships, if I see a way I can add to your happiness, I will do all in my power to do that. I will rearrange schedules, plan things, send interesting articles or jokes your way if they relate to you, whatever. I like to make the people important to me happy. Growing up, my need to make those around me happy caused a good deal of stress. Hell, even now, a good deal of my stress is knowing that someone I know is unhappy (or thinking they are) and not being able to help. I try to make sure I don’t let my own well-being suffer because of this, but it’s a struggle. In order to live my life, I have to push down that submissive part because I can’t be submissive to everyone. It isn’t practical, it isn’t good for my happiness, and honestly, I know way too many non-decisive people. Over the last year, I’ve tried hard to ignore any submissive parts of myself.

Despite that half-hearted, craptastic attempt at tamping down my submissiveness and focusing on pain and bondage instead, that part of me is still there. I graduated, I found a job, and I settled into some relationships and habits. It isn’t overwhelming to think about incorporating other people into my life now. I started thinking about submission again, and why it was that I freaked out about it. I can’t deny I’m submissive.

At the end of the day, submitting to someone I trust would alleviate that deep-seated pressure to make people happy, because I would be guided in how to please them. I could focus on pleasing one person instead of everyone. My need to please would be outwardly acknowledged, and openness about my submission will help me find someone who won’t take advantage of that need to please. I get that plenty of Dominants are abusive, and ultimately it will always be my own responsibility to make sure my needs are being met. That said, I overthink the shit out of things, and being guided in how to please and told if I’m not pleasing my partner eliminates a great deal of the stress I have in trying to control things I have no control over (like my partner’s emotions).

There’s more on this, but in an effort to not have crazy long posts I’ll post it later.

Day 26, 30 Days of Kink

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

As with all of these things, my opinion has greatly changed over time. Like many, I began my journey in kink online. I was far too young to be even talking with people about such sexualized topics, and my innocence and naivete have biased my current opinion.

First off, I think it is very possible to create a deep emotional connection via the internet. Written word, audio files, and webcams enable communication and make it possible. If both parties are willing to dedicate time and they trust one another, something could be created there. That said, I think that it is far too easy to be deceived online, and thus I wouldn’t trust or recommend it for serious relationship development. There are three situations that I think online BDSM play works best for.

1) Online BDSM play as a prelude to a first meeting – maybe give it a month or less – sure. Online dating works, and online kink interactions can be the same. Exchange messages, feel one another out, then meet and see if you have a connection. Develop trust in real life. Then, if need be, you can maintain your relationship through continued online play.

2) Online BDSM play as a training/explorative tool, great. You can find someone to give you tasks, or discipline you into creating good habits, or to guide your own sexual exploration. The reason this works well is because really, you are depending and trusting yourself more than anyone else. The other person is serving as a sounding board and counselor as you figure out what works for you in terms of power exchange and kink. If you have lots of questions, it’s a way to get them answered. You have to be aware that the answers you’re getting are all relative and potentially biased, but you can get them online.

3) Online BDSM play is also great for wank fodder. You’re lonely and want to get off, online roleplay or kinky chat can really facilitate that.

As far as prolonged long-distance relationships that initiated via online communication and don’t involve meeting in person for months or years – I’m wary and I advise others to be cautious. I know from experience how easy it is to lie about your age. People lie about all sorts of things. They can send photos of other people, or that are years out of date. You have no idea what is real and what is not. It’s tempting to get involved in this type of play when you feel there are no other options – maybe you can’t share with a spouse, you’re living with family, etc. – but please, folks, resist or proceed with caution. Don’t meet people in private unless you’ve met them in public first. Chat on the phone before meeting at all. Get references.