Revisiting Rules: The Why

I posted a week or so ago about how I like rules and structure in life, and how that permeates seemingly every aspect of my life. I realized today why that is, and how that impacts how I view myself. It’s amazing how 1) once you notice something about yourself, you see it everywhere and 2) one other person can give you so much insight about yourself.

So, I like rules, structure, and discipline. It’s what I value more than almost anything else. I realized – I had almost no discipline or structure in my family life or growing up. The only discipline I’ve had has been self-installed, provided through school, or from God (or my interpretation of my spirituality).

Creating and following my own standards and rules has given me the order I need to get through life successfully. Lately, I’ve been super stressed out, and I had a hellish week last week. I feel like I completely humiliated myself more than once at work, and then I got super strung out a couple of times this past weekend – high strung to a level I haven’t been in a while. I recognized that this weekend – that my inability to control things lately has made me a bit crazy, and my lack of kink or surrender has just further facilitated that – but tonight, it hit home even more.

After a date’s comment a few weeks ago, I started noticing that I have a tendency to act like a know it all, be stubborn, or speak before thinking in ways that overstep boundaries I feel are in place. Acting like a know it all with friends is something I thought I got past in middle school. Letting my impatience and stubbornness impact my ability to stay humble, respectful, and deliberate at work is something I thought I got through too, but I’ve messed that up. In the scheme of my losing my internal shit the last few weeks, I overstepped my self-imposed discipline, which I haven’t been able to let go. I disrespect myself and am so embarrassed for my lack of discipline in these work situations.

I know that while yes, at the exact moment of these incidents, people may have thought differently of me, but likely forgot it immediately following. I need to let it go. All I can do is know that this is a tendency, work to improve and forgive myself, and try to be as best a person as I can moving forward. I think I may discuss it with my immediate supervisor, just to ask him if he has any feedback on how I can manage those situations and if it’s in my head. I can apologize for being too opinionated or overstepping his management, and ask him to be honest if he feels I’ve done that.

Anyhow, more reason why sometimes, I think I’m too harsh on myself. I set up high standards, then sometimes lack discipline to follow them, and instead of being able to be punished and let it go, I harp on it over and over. Someday, I hope to find someone who can give guidance and instill structure in my life.

Stress, Learning, and Cravings

First, work is nuts. I never realized quite how much of a perfectionist I am, at least in terms of meeting my own personal standards. My boss’ incompetence is just growing and growing. He tries to do certain things administratively that directly contradict what the boss above him says. He takes too long to finish projects and is very behind, which is hindering the progress of our report. Furthermore, since I can’t trust him to do things, I have to do a ton more than I should be doing, and I simply don’t have time to do it. There are very intense deadlines being set by upper management, and the agency we’re working with is stonewalling us and not providing data we’ve requested. All this on top of catch up from going overseas, people’s holiday absences (including my own), and normal life pressures. EEEEEEP.

Otherwise, everything is busy. Trying to see friends and do normal life things (bills, dr appointment, groceries, job/fellowship apps and loan payments) on top of work and going in/out of town is leaving me very little free time. I alter between wanting to curl up in a ball, be intensely dominated, and have the shit beaten out of me. See below listing on options for realigning the internal stress.

It’s funny though…I’m going through a kind of kink withdrawal. Between going overseas for work for 2 weeks and the prep before/after that, and now leaving for a wedding, then leaving for thanksgiving, I won’t be able to attend a kink event until Rapture at the end of the month and I haven’t been to anything since Fetish ball. I’ve been experimenting with orgasm control/denial with someone new, but that’s a different type of torment and release.

On a relevant sidenote, teasing and denial has reiterated and taught me a few things:

  • One, when I’m incredibly aroused, I do indeed vocalize.
  • Two, when I’ve been teased for a few days, I can get aroused enough to take a dildo, which means YAY! sex is possible without the physical therapy my OBGYN recommended. Rock on.
  • Third, I have a bit of an oral fixation; sucking on things turns me on. Probably has something to do with my first kinky play partner’s “training”…but is also probably somehow related to:
  • Fourth, I literally get off on getting my partner off. When someone I like and am attracted to (important points, it’s not like every person I know getting off gets me off) is receiving pleasure, I physically react. They shudder, moan, get hard, and I shudder, moan, and get wet. Handy hardwiring, that. I realized this a good while ago, but the extent to which it holds true fascinates me.
  • Fifth, having been allowed to climax, I’m now missing the denial. I enjoyed the edge of arousal during the day. I hated, but also loved the torment of teasing without release.

But, back to the withdrawal and stress…Basically,  I’ve never been one to cry when I’m stressed. Working out and being productive does help a lot, but not quite enough. The frustration at work and everything makes me want pain to process it all. Options for processing/realigning the stress:

  • Warmth in blankets and hot cocoa while in a ball watching bad tv, basically hiding away from it all.
  • Drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
  • Finding my old roommate and recentering with her steady comfort and awesomeness. (Which hopefully happens tomorrow, so will hopefully improve my mental state)
  • Laughing hysterically with friends. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start spontaneously laughing hysterically alone.
  • Wrestling/grappling, or an excuse to fight really hard, use my energy, and still lose.
  • Bondage for similar reasons – I want to struggle, lose, then settle into helpless peacefulness.
  • Pain because it helps me release the pent up tension by creating tension of a different type, tension I can’t ignore and have to face but can then release.
  • Serving someone else in a very intense power exchange way, so that I don’t have to think or worry about anything. So much lack of control in a bad way from work/life, so it’s good to have an intentional, healthy lack of control in order to recenter and refocus.

Problem is, not really in a good place to get one of the latter options. I keep leaving town, so I can’t attend a kinky event to get someone to meet me up and help there. I don’t want to have one of my play partner folks help me out because it counteracts the control I’ve surrendered. And while I’m accepting enough of my need for pain to joke about it or talk about it with either a complete stranger (no risk) or a very trusted friend (no risk), I feel too exposed and raw bringing it up outside of those contexts. Basically, I still feel all dark and twisty for this way of coping, so I hate calling attention to it. So, stuck…annnnd stuck with this stress and mental frustration is not fun.