I have some lovely marks and soreness from Rapture (although the lingering soreness in my wrist, the one that lost all feeling during a scene, is somewhat disconcerting). I played with a girl – well, she played with me – for the first time. It was tame, mainly receptive of some above the waist things during a scene with her Dom, but was still fun. I met some more really interesting and cool people this time, which is always fun. Still no rope, though, which is going to have to be remedied soon. I miss it.

But then, of course, I spend almost the whole day with some friends/classmates working on a group project. Sometimes, I really start questioning what it would be like to have no kink at all, no power dynamic, and if that is something I could even handle. It sucks, because I really don’t know if I could handle that long term. Then again, who knows how people’s sexuality could develop?

In other news, my brain hurts from working on this project. People always make kind of a big deal on how quickly my brain works, how fast I can type, etc., and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the oddity, and even assuming it’s a good thing, I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to make other people feel incompetent or anything, but simultaneously, I can’t really help how I think.

Follow Up

We didn’t win the competition, unfortunately. We made top 5 out of 23 ,which I’m happy about, but no cash prize :(.

I reserved a penske truck today and figured out tv/internet for next year. I move 5 weeks from today…time is FLYING.

I have to write a 2-4pg paper defining global climate change…not an easy feat. I’m currently procrasinating (shocker, right?).

It was 85 degrees today – amazingly beautiful. Nothing like sunshine to cheer you up!

Last night I went to a munch that had an objectification demo, and then afterwards to a play party. The objectification demo made me think. In some ways, I think objectification is demeaning, humiliating, and it almost angers me. In other ways, I find it incredibly arousing.  Serving as furniture, for example, bothers me, but one-on-one could possibly work out. Serving as some form of grope toy, again in private, I think would be very hot. Serving as a platter for food or something, either in private or with just one other couple, would be embarrassing and difficult for me, but also is kind of arousing.  As with many things, I feel like it is something I’d have to approach with just the right kind of attitude with a Dom I very much trusted/cared for. Being someone’s christmas toy to decorate with tinsel and what not is humiliating, but not necessarily in a bad way as long as it isn’t done in a “making fun of you” sort of way or to laugh at me.

Anyhow, we went to a play party afterwards which was good. I got to experience a beating by the same Dom who really pushed my limits at the 4P and with nipple torment. I’m still crazy surprised by how much I love pain. I was shaking/shuddering for a good hour or so after we stopped playing. Moreover, I actually entered subspace, which was a first for me. It’s like things just stopped hurting for a little bit, talking got difficult, and things were just very pleasant. I came out of it a bit from talking with the Dom, which was probably good because I don’t know if I’d be able to safeword in that headspace.

I was a bit hesitant to play at first because no one else had started yet, and I’m not really a big exhibitionist. Making noise/reacting in front of others is hard for me. That said, on a cross it was easier because I wasn’t facing anyone, background music was loud enough to drown out others, and the Dom was more personal which kept things good. I also appreciate his ability to read the sub he’s playing with. For example, as I said, reacting in front of others is more difficult for me, I get more shy/nervous and embarrassed. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still hard. He started to encourage me to cry out and push for a reaction, but when he realized I wasn’t purposely holding back, he understood what was going on and switched tactics. I wish more people were that aware and willing to read their play partners.

I still can’t wait to try hard-core pain with more extreme restraints. I love being tied up in rope unable to move, and I love the pain…I can only imagine what it’d be like together. I’ve also been teased just enough to be very curious about tickle torture. I’m more ticklish than I ever realized before, and I find the sheer helplessness of tickling to be very hot.

I also met some great people I hadn’t met before, which was fun. The crowd was very positive, friendly, and intimate, which was right up my alley. People gave you space if you needed it, and were quick to laugh. Since I didn’t know many people going in, I appreciated that a lot. I am starting to feel very, very comfortable with the kink community and folks here…which sucks, in a way, since I’m leaving in 5 weeks.

3 weeks til classes are over, 4 weeks til finals are over, and 5 weeks til I move to DC. EEP.

So much schoolwork in that time period, though!

For my own organizational purposes:

This week, I have a blog entry, exam, and paper due. Then I have a week of nothing just a blog entry. The third week I have two group presentations, one group paper (5-7 pages double spaced), one individual paper (5-7 pgs, double spaced), and a group project (max 10 pgs, single spaced). The last week, finals week, I have two group papers (one with a 15 pg double spaced minimum, the other with a 15 page double spaced max), and 4 exams. But, one of the exams is open book/notes, and two others I get “cheat sheets.”  And of course, none of this included any of the reading I’m supposed to be doing.

Back to the Grind

Changes to the schedule, and now I have three night classes. Three! Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Ew. Disadvantage – missing the new rope group meetings.  Advantage – I can sleep in on TR, meaning I can do trivia on Wed. and not worry about being out too late.

I’m really excited about my innovation class, it is going to be fascinating. A former ambassador is teaching it, and she is super down to earth but still has sooo much insight to share. Yay! I also got an extension on figuring out which internship to take, so that was also good.

I met a friend’s new dating interest tonight, and he is super sweet and dorky, and from Indiana!  She met him on, which is interesting, because they’re both totally owning up to online dating in a refreshing way. I’m really hoping it works out for them.

My parents will be in town this weekend, which is nice because I do really miss them. On the other hand, I’m missing a kinky play party event, which is a huge bummer. I really want to play, and I feel safer doing so with other people. I’d host my own event with kinky people I know, but I have thin walls and a small apartment. Grr. It’s game night tomorrow, and I’m going to go, and maybe I’ll be able to talk about/work something out for the weekend after. Perhaps people would be up for play nights two weekends in a row. I mean, it IS my birthday :).

Going with that, turning 23 is kind of lame. I mean, cool for getting older, but it isn’t really a big number in any way. I’m one of the youngest people I know in Pittsburgh, so it’ll be good to be a bit more on an even keel, but in general I don’t feel my age often. I have super immature moments because I’m so easily amused and I fidget a lot, but I will still be like that when I’m 50 so it doesn’t really count. The rest of the time, everyone always comments on how I seem so much more mature than my age indicates. I’ve always been like that – hard childhood made me grow up a bit early.

That’s all for now.

I don’t have a catchy title

Last night was a whole host of interesting. Yesterday on the whole was, really.

First I got to work on my campaign finance paper. I may have mentioned one guy in our group is an expert on the topic, so I’ve been more than a little intimidated to work on the paper. He very much supports the Act, and I wasn’t as confident in it. Well, I was able to prove him wrong about some of the language in the bill, and I held my own debating it, and got im to concede. It pretty much made my day. That, and I forgot how much fun it is to be intellectually challenged when  I’ve researched the topic at hand. It almost (almost!) makes me miss mock trial.

Then, I found an apartment for next year that will cost only $2000 for 3 people – in DC! With free parking, 2 blocks to metro, and all utilities included. I pray to God that the place is as nice as it seems when we see it next week.

After that, I headed over to Macys to try to pick up another suit of some sort. Turns out, they’re having a massive sale, and this Macys was giant! I was able to get a suit, a career dress, a winter jacket, and a button down all for only $150. The coat alone is normally $280. Getting a bargain always cheers me up.

I moved on to the kinky meetup thing in my area, and got to meet a bunch of new people. I got to talk energy policy with an energy trader (always fun for me, again back to discussing things I know a lot about). I got a few good book recommendations. I got to be more myself around kinky people, which is always a challenge for me. For some reason, when I’m around people that know I’m submissive, I get way quieter/shier than I normally do. It’s like my brain thinks it’s ok to revert to that, whereas I push past it in my normal interactions out of necessity.

A few of us moved on to someone’s house for an “afterparty,” which ended up being super fun.  I got to be tied up quite a bit, and flogged. It’s kind of funny, though – I’ve never been just flogged. I’ve experienced it two times now, and both times my reactions to the pain weren’t quite enough so the Top has brought out more evil toys. I think a large part of it is that flogging over clothing is not as intense. Either way, I again freaked myself out by how much I generally get off on pain. I really need to get over that uneasiness.

I was in a super good subspacey place, then we started to play this game of sorts, and I kind of freaked out. I don’t know why, but I got sort of confused and embarrassed all at the same time. I think it was that I was afraid of saying the wrong thing with people watching me, combined with drawing even more attention to myself and being forced to come “back to reality” to think about things when I’d been on the verge of subspace. Either way, I feel really bad that I had such a strange reaction. Logically, I realize that the whole thing was a game, and done in good humor, and the people there weren’t judging or anything. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the logic to communicate to my submissive self. I also got to try a tens unit out, which was fascinating. It’s just so bizarre how you can’t control your muscles.

Now I’m in that happy submissive place I get into, and I need to push past it. I have to take an exam, study for an exam, take another exam, add to a paper, pack, print off a bunch of stuff (including resumes!),  turn in timecards late, and hopefully have some time to do laundry, all before I leave mid-afternoon tomorrow. Eep!

Kinky Happenings

I went to kinky game night tonight, and had enough fun to stay the whole time! Success. I met a bunch of new people, which was good. I also saw some people I knew already, which was also good. Overall, all good.

In failing news, my vibrator (the new, $39 one I bought over break and have only used a handful of times) freaked the hell out and fell apart last night. Lame. Sooo time for a new one, I suppose, since you can’t return used sex toys. I don’t know what one to buy, though – bullet? rabbit? dildo with no vibration? hitachi? There are too many choices. I also despise having to wait for it to arrive, but I don’t want to seek out a sex store by my lonesome, so, such is life.

I really wish Pittsburgh had a regular play party event. I would love the opportunity to casually play without commitment, pressure, or having to deal with location. It is safer to play with someone for the first time in public.

The Dirty on 4P

Holy hell ouch, batman.

Now that *that’s* out of the way, I can elaborate a tiny bit. I was entirely tweaking out about attending this event. I knew some people, but didn’t have anyone pre-arranged to scene with. That, combined with attending by myself and being pretty new to the local scene, just freaked me out. I always get that way before networking events and such (the first event of orientation week was hell), and then I get over it. This was sort of like that, in that I’m glad I went even though I had to force myself to.

I helped with registration for a long time, which was interesting as it gave my a chance to settle down and scope people out. I attended the “exploratorium,” and was able to feel what fire cupping and violet wands feel like. Still to this point, I haven’t found something kinky I *don’t* like. The violet wand would be fascinating all over the body. I only did one fire cup, and it was on my arm, but I’m vastly curious about how that would elsewhere. I’m not so big on getting naked in front of 50+ people, though, so I’d have to find a Dom who had a set handy.

I was awkward for at least 20 minutes, just kind of watching what was going on. Then, I got to experience a hard-core spanking.  It was intense and incredible…painful, arousing, and relatively unsettling. Painful, in that I challenged him to push my limits and he did, and he ended up breaking three paddle-type implements on my ass. Said ass is incredibly welted and will be crazily bruised tomorrow. Unsettling was mainly because of the arousing; this, over anything else, entirely solidified my masochism. I’ve never gotten that aroused without kissing, fondling, etc.  I was trying not to be too overly obvious about my horniness post-spanking, but then again, in a sense I hope the Dom realized what he was able to do to me. I am not just a masochist, but apparently a pretty heavy one. I need to hang out with more sadists to make me feel less weird about this.

So yeah, ouch. But good times. I played a bit with some rope too, although not really full-on restraint like I have in the past. I was slightly less awkward as the evening went on, and was able to talk with some people that I really like. I didn’t really meet that many people outside the ones I knew, which I suppose was a mess-up on my part, but I was still very happy with how things went.

Two Worlds Apart

I’m getting SO sick of trying to come up with reasons for not hanging out with my vanilla friends when I’m attending kinky events. There’s only so much “happy hour…” “met through a friend” and whatnot I can pull-off. I mean, it’s great that I have a lot of people wanting to hang out. I get that I’m usually the planner, so people turn to me to plan things on weekends, and when I have plans that don’t involve them, people get really curious. Still, I don’t know how the hell I’m going to play off the 4P event tomorrow.

Sad Day

Not really, unless classes on Friday make it sad.

But, I can’t go to kinky happy hour tonight, which bums me out a bit. I really wanted to check out the bar it’s being held at, and it’s the last chance to mingle in a public, non-threatening setting before the play party next weekend.

I’m signed up for the play party, and I am supposed to be helping at the registration desk for a while. I *do* know people attending…like, out of 130, I know maybe 9 or 10. I don’t really know anyone very well, though, which makes it intimidating as hell. People are going to get naked and get kinky, and I’m not so sure how I fit into that. I wouldn’t mind playing, maybe, but I can’t see myself asking someone to do so. I really don’t want to just stand around and awkwardly watch the entire time, though.

It’s like a big kinky networking event or orientation meeting. I HATE walking in alone. It is the absolute worst part. I like having a security blanket person with me. When I have someone with me, I am funny, charming, and myself from moment 1. When I am alone, I am shy, nervous, and awkward until moment 25.

Ick. I need someone to go to this event with, rather than alone, but I don’t really even know how to go about that. I don’t want to cancel last minute – I paid money for this and I’ve committed to helping. But, I’m afraid and nervous. This is why I didn’t attend kinky events for so long, until I knew someone else who could come with.

I realize people aren’t scary, and are nice. Telling my inner psyche that, though, rarely works prior to an intimidating social situation.



I am now committed to the registration table. I have to get there at 6pm to be briefed on the rules, and then at 8:30 I help out. This will ensure my attendance, even if I’m awkward and shy the entire time.

Also, there is another non-threatening event this week I can go to before 4P! Kinky game night. Hopefully I can make that happen.