SL Letter of the Day – Great Quote

Savage Love brilliance…

Open relationships are great—ahem—but they’re not for everyone. Some folks aren’t built to share a sex partner, don’t want to share, and consequently shouldn’t share. We’re talking sex partners here, CIC, not large pizzas or pot stashes—a reluctance to share is not evidence of a character flaw.

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/09/26/sl-letter-of-the-day-modern-love

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Day 23, 30 Days of Kink

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

God, have they changed.

Let’s see, if you’ve been reading my 30 days since day 1, you may recall that I developed an interest in kink early on (pre-legal years). Up until grad school, I thought I wanted a borderline 24/7 TPE D/s situation (got acronyms?). I was submissive, and willing to explore being someone’s slave. I thought needles, knives, public play, polyamory, breath play, electricity play, fireplay, and more were all nuts. I was certain that I would enjoy spanking because it was a physical manifestation of power, but not out of any interest in pain itself. Bondage turned me on more than life itself.

Not all of those thoughts are different, but most are. The real key here is that my interests and perspectives on kink are constantly changing, including right now. People joke that if you don’t like someone’s hard limits, just give ’em 6 months – that’s so bizarrely true.

The first thing that changed in my mind was my interest in pain. I quickly realized that my reaction to pain wasn’t just fear or pain, but pleasure, release, and thrill at the challenge.

The second thing to change was my feeling about polyamory. I don’t consider myself poly, but even being open to playing with others at all is a huge change from my original thoughts. I’m also considerably more accepting of other peoples’ poly relationships.

The third thing to change was my desire to participate in a M/s relationship. I’m still interested in exploring lighter levels of power exchange, primarily within the bedroom. I’m just not interested in being someone’s slave. Making my partner happy is incredibly important to me, and I enjoy serving him to some extent, but I don’t like having my service expected and demanded constantly. While I find being in control exhausting if I do it all the time, so do I find not being in control all the time. Balance is necessary, and so far that seems to work best as submission in the bedroom and equality outside of it (being my naturally “bratty,” dominant-personality self).

As for the rest, well, I’ve revised my limits/fetishes list so many times I have to include a date at the top, so that should be a good indicator of the fluidity of those things.

7/8

Well, I’m on my first “official” business trip, even though it’s just for training. It’s strange, I have a whole hotel room to myself, which I’m not used to at all. It does make me feel grown up, though. I’m excited for this training – I get to shoot guns and learn driving tricks. Now, if I could shake this headache and nausea before having to do a forced skid from going backwards at 45mph, that’d be great.

On a similar note, looks like I’ll be going to the war zone a lot sooner than anticipated. I guess I was still skeptical that I’d have to go at all, but they’re saying early Fall now. After hearing the financial benefits of going longer term, I’m not as concerned as I was before, but it’s still dangerous. I’m not sure how I’ll handle myself in such a stressful environment, but if ever there was a time to go do something dangerous, now is it.

In other related job things, a guy at work asked me out last week. I’m a bit pissed off about it, actually, because really? Who asks someone out after they’ve been there 2 weeks?! It’s frustrating, because now it has the potential to be really awkward for the rest of my time working there. I’d like friends at work, but dating someone at work is risky. If it were a contractor and I was very interested, maybe, but it’d have to be someone pretty damn spectacular for me to go for it. I went online that night and realized the guy is on OkCupid and had viewed my profile, and that definitely could be part of why he asked me. Thing is, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to date everyone.

After that, I started considering deleting my OkC profile. I’m a bit overcommitted right now between varying groups of friends, kinky play arrangements, and dating. I don’t have a lot of time for another person in my schedule. If it were a new kinky person, I’d probably make time, but OkC people are not usually kinky people. (And if you read this regularly you know how bad I am at identifying when they are…)

It’s funny though, because one of my vanilla friends met a kinky guy I know, and definitely thought it was an OkC connection. Apparently when asked how we met, kinky guy said “out in DC,” which is normally vanilla guy’s code for an online date. I couldn’t really explain any better, so I think I seemed bizarrely vague to vanilla friend. Oh well. As one friend said recently, telling people about my kink is kind of addictive. Once you’re out to one friend, it’s easier to come out to others, sometimes when you might be better off witholding that information. It was an interesting 4th of July though, mixing a kinky person into my vanilla group. It was nice, actually, because it wasn’t an issue at all. I only know a few kinky folks who would fit in with my ‘nilla friends, and it’s so much simpler when they do.

In a last note on dating, I think I’ve determined that at this point, kink is a necessity in my relationships. I’m enjoying myself too much for it not to be. I’d scale it back for the right person, but I like attending classes and workshops, and seeing my kinky friends, going to parties, etc. It’s fun. It lets me explore. As a result, next time I see vanilla date dude, I’m going to need to clarify some shit. Hopefully that will go smoothly.

I’ve also been thinking a lot more about polyamory lately. I really just don’t know how I feel about it. On many levels, I’m fine with people loving as they want, and all that jazz. On other levels, I want to be the priority, the primary. I want to be special and different – yes, more important – than the other people my partner may play with. I wish I was a less possessive person, but honestly, after my childhood that had long periods of emotional neglect, I’m admittedly more insecure. I can trust someone not to physically harm me relatively quickly, but to trust someone enough to believe they aren’t going to take advantage of/betray my trust, well, that takes a lot more effort.

I did promise some more details about Fusion in an earlier post, so I can delve a bit more in depth here. One of the things I did that was new for me was make out with a girl. I love kissing, but I’ve kissed more bad kissers than good ones (note: eating my face is not hot). This woman in particular was a great kisser, and it was definitely different than with a guy – softer, and somehow easier to be agressive. Another experience for me was masturbating around other people. I got myself off in a group setting – two other women were masturbating, another was watching, and two men were watching/participating in various fashions. It was late, dark, a little chilly and damp. It was also really hot. I’ve never watched porn, really, but watching people in real life is sexy. It’s been nice to branch out a bit and be more open to playing sexually in public. The next day, I did a heavy S/m scene in the dungeon in just my panties, which was a new level of exposure for me as well. (I also hit subspace harder than I think I ever have, which was kind of awesome. I came from this guy punching my ass…yes, in some conditions, I’m most definitely a pain slut.)

Since Fusion, I’ve been able to play a bit more with rope which has been fun. I did a scene that was a lot rougher and included rope, which was uber-hot. I hit subspace from that as well, which is always a bit strange. I get in this headspace where I really would do anything or take anything, I think, if it pleased the person I was playing with. Everything becomes pleasurable and I can’t even think. And then I climax, and proceed to shake for about an hour or two with aftershocks.

To sum this up on yet another unrelated note, I think I may write another erotic story soon. I had some inspiration about the potential for a drive-in movie or road trip. Basically,  I have an idea for how to be bound in a particular way inside a car, and then combine that with some good ol’ orgasm denial and teasing with some minor exhibitionism. On the one hand, I feel like my short erotic stories all have the same themes and thus are boring, but if I add more character depth I end up writing way too much. I need to find some form of balance.

Day 20, 30 Days of Kink

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

For some reason, this one was harder for me. There are lots of things I’m curious about (they’re listed in my fetish and limits post), but pinning down specific things I don’t understand are more difficult.

My curiosities, as listed on my fetlife profile and whatnot, include: breath play, cages, wax and ice play, cupping, fire play, hitachis, interrogation, mind fucks, take downs, remote control vibrators in public, role play, switching, threesomes, and domination.

The bigger thing that is a curiosity primarily because it is something I don’t understand very well is polyamory. Thing is, poly can mean multiple primary partners, open to sexual play but nothing more, swinging, or anything in between. I know a few folks that seem to make it work pretty well for them, and a lot of others that have a myriad of variations. I’m constantly trying to learn more about what works for people and their interpretations. It helps me to figure out exactly what I want in a relationship and how best to achieve that. It’s still a pretty big unknown to me, though. It seems so against our nature, in that people tend to be possessive and jealous, and making that work seems so difficult. Then again, for some people, it seems to work best with their nature, so who knows?

December Randoms

Today’s going to be a random’s day.

First, relationships are great, and sex is great, but they are for connection not ego. I feel like that gets lost in the kinky community sometimes with the prevalence of poly.

Second, I’ve lost 13.2 lbs in total now, as well as several inches from my waist and hips (and none from my bust, thankfully 🙂 ). I’m pretty happy with the way that’s going.

Third, I’m almost entirely finished with school for the semester! My capstone project is going well thus far, and we have direction which is good. We’re going to be working on financing aviation transportation. We’re still working on narrowing the scope. I think I’m going to get A’s in all of my classes, too, which is great.

Fourth, I’ve now applied for 27 jobs for post-grad. It may seem excessive, but that’s what you gotta do. Hopefully one will pan out! I’ve had a few inquiries in response, so I have hope. (The 6 months I have left to figure it out certainly help, too.)

Fifth, I got an outstanding review at work. My supervisors all told me they couldn’t think of any constructive criticism, and that I’m doing a great job. It’s nice to be rewarded for my hard work, and it was good to see what things they value in me (my initiative was a big one). I really love my job right now, it’s a perfect fit for me. I feel blessed to know what I like doing. If only the budget was figured out and I could stay there permanently.

Sixth, New Year’s Eve is a horrid movie. But, it did give me some thoughts on new years resolutions and made me feel a bit sentimental. I’ve never had a great New Year’s eve, mainly since I’m in Indiana for the holidays, and there’s not much there. I might try to swing a trip to Chicago this year.

Seventh, I keep having inklings of thoughts about one of my guy friends. I’m not sure what to do about it at this point, since dating someone in my program is a bad idea, he’s very vanilla, and I have no idea if he is also interested. That said, I really enjoy his company. For now, that’ll do. Plus, I don’t know how much of my interest stems from convenience, and that’s never a good idea.

Eighth, is it weird for a girl to randomly message a guy on fetlife? There are some men that seem interesting, but I don’t know if it is strange for the girl to make contact. It’s more strange too since I’m a bottom/submissive, so that naturally screams “don’t make the first move!” That said, I’ve never been great at holding off from pursuing things I’m interested in…  But I’m also very socially awkward with men, especially when I’m uncertain of the parameters of the contact. Ugh.

Ninth, favorite music of the moment includes David Guetta, The Band Perry, Florence and the Machine, Demi Lovato, Rihanna, and Christina Perri.

Tenth, I go home on Saturday! I’m excited to see my family. I had some hard times this week communicating with my parents and having my mom’s bipolar get more crazy than usual, though, so I have more than a little trepidation about spending 3 weeks with all of the potential drama.

In other news, the writing bug is nipping at my toes. I’m not sure on inspiration right now, though. I may go the traditional route, and do something with the kink being uncovered by a seemingly vanilla friend, who then dominantly seduces the heroine.  I could do something with truth or dare. There’s also the allure of covert bondage in a public place. I could always do a traditionally romantic thing with meeting someone at a kink event, and maybe do a first date gone kinky. I’d love to do something that focuses more on S&m and less on teasing and denial, to break a little out of my shell, but I’m not sure of a good way to set that up. Hmm. Ideas are welcome.

Also, for some bizarre reason, I’m craving someone biting my neck. I just want someone to either use a pointy object or teeth on that spot just where the neck meets shoulder…*shiver* That would do it for me right now.

25 Things About my Sexuality

1 year update found here: https://inquisitiveexplorer.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/25-things-about-my-sexuality-revisited/.

Many of my fetlife friends have been posting these. The trend is based on this website: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I don’t have the nerve to post my 25 things quite so publicly (on fetlife), but here’s mine.

  1. I’m a masochist. I love pain. I love way it makes me shudder, scream, and sometimes cry. I love how it gives me a reason to fight and struggle, yet simultaneously can guarantee my surrender. I like submitting to it, I like knowing someone is getting off on inflicting it. I also have a really high pain tolerance. Don’t be afraid to hurt me – I can take it, and if it gets to be too much, I’ll say so.
  2. I’m afraid of my own masochism. Despite all the things I just mentioned that I love, I’m afraid that my masochistic desires will prevent me from finding a relationship that will satisfy me. I’m afraid I’ll put my trust in the wrong person and end up hurt in the bad way. I feel somehow partially damaged for desiring, craving, and enjoying pain.
  3. I find it difficult to vocalize my feelings, from emotions to screaming from pain, it’s all hard for me, even more so in public play scenarios. In private, if I feel comfortable with you, I will make an effort to relax and let sounds happen. In public, I tend to withdraw vocally and it takes a bit to make me make noise. I’ve been told my non-verbal cues are explicit enough to make up for it, but others have been frustrated or disconcerted if I don’t scream from what some would consider heavy pain.
  4. If I start uncontrollably shuddering during play, almost 99% of the time it is a good thing. Usually, this happens after an intense amount of pain, although rope and other things with certain people evoke it as well. This reaction internally resembles something like aftershocks of a climax, and can be prolonged for hours. There may or may not be accompanying sexual arousal, but even without it, it’s still physically and mentally very satisfying for me.
  5. I can slip into subspace, but loud background noise gets in the way. I love feeling spacey and sated, especially when it’s combined with the aforementioned shuddering.
  6. I love pushing my limits. I’m pretty stubborn, and I enjoy seeing how much I can take. If it’s bondage, I like seeing how long I can stay in a position, or how much I can contort myself into a new one, etc. I tend to have more difficulty finding people who can push me to my limit. I love nothing more than playing with someone who is willing to challenge me, especially if their will is stronger than mine.
  7. With that, I will safeword if I need to but it is difficult for me. When I combine my own stubbornness with my innate desire to please, it gets hard to stop something.  If I’m petrified or freaking out or something and my Top doesn’t notice, I will bring it up, and if I don’t feel comfortable enough to do so then I shouldn’t be playing with that person.
  8. Realistically, I think most of the times that I’ve safeworded have been out of concern or fear that the Top playing with me was tired, sick of playing, etc, not out of need on my end.  I worry a lot about pain play or bondage being too focused on me, thus being work for the other person. It helps me a lot to hear whether or not my partner is enjoying himself. It also helps if I know in particular that the person enjoys whatever we’re doing – rope play with a rigger, pain play with someone who considers himself a sadist, etc.
  9. I love to write, and have written erotica for many years. None of it is nonfiction, but certain individuals have at times been the catalyst to my writing something down. I always appreciate feedback and interesting ideas. Someday, I might go on and write an erotic romance novel, but I need spare time first.
  10. I find comfort, relief, and pleasure in consistency, rules, etiquette, and protocol. Simultaneously, the intensity, extremity, and commitment of those things scares me and puts me off quite a bit. I haven’t figured out a good balance yet. This is a large part of what drives my rare submission, but also is a lot of what scares me about a D/s relationship.
  11. I have a love/hate relationship with light humiliation, in terms of being flustered or embarrassed. I like being made to blush. It doesn’t take much to get me to that point either – talking about sex, teasing, etc. does it quickly. I like the dynamic that type of teasing creates, and I like (and hate) the level of vulnerability that type of interaction fosters.
  12. I was raised Catholic and grew up with a Mormon best friend. I don’t attend services, but I do believe in and have a relationship with God. I don’t think sex should only be after marriage, but I do take issue with having NSA hookups, one night stands, or casual sex (defined in this case as intercourse) without some form of commitment/ongoing dynamic.
  13. I love and adore bondage, but rope bondage more than anything. I love the experience of being bound and the intimacy and sensuality that can be shared. I like the feeling of complete helplessness. I like testing my flexibility, struggling, and not being able to escape. I love the feeling of rope on my skin, the scent of jute, the bite of the binding. I enjoy bondage sexually – it definitely pushes my buttons – but I can also enjoy it as a mental release. I find safety and security in the bindings, and it does things for my stress level and mental state that I bet would rival therapy.
  14. I try to be very open minded, but at heart, sometimes I’m a conservative Indiana girl. I don’t know how to handle polyamory, queer identities, sex in public, and other things sometimes. I can get really awkward, and I don’t know the proper way to interact. Please don’t take this to mean that I am disproving, judging, or in any way responding negatively if you fall into these categories. If you tell me how to act or set the tone, I’ll do my absolute best to match it as quickly as possible. It’s just a hard to manage “I’ve never dealt with this, what do I do?!” reaction.
  15. I have horrible difficulty asking for what I want, including asking people to tie me up and/or hurt me, directing them to best please me, voicing my desires, etc.  I appreciate it when my partners make me talk about things, even when it’s embarrassing and hard for me (in fact, as mentioned above, sometimes the forced vocalization and resulting embarrassment can be arousing in and of itself). I blush, stammer, hide, etc. sometimes, and it’s better when people push me into vocalizing. On this same note, I find initiating contact with potential play partners extremely difficult, and greatly appreciate initiative in a partner.
  16. I’m not extremely sexually experienced. I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t had many sexual partners. In fact, I’ve done kinky things more than I’ve done certain sexual things.  I have a healthy sex drive, but as points above indicate, I’m not overly promiscuous.
  17. I find everything about hidden control in public to be incredibly arousing. Remote controlled vibrators, hidden rope harnesses, sneaky bites or pinches, very discreet play in a dark semi-private space – all of these things push my buttons like none other. That said, I highly value privacy and propriety, and have to trust that my partner will protect my reputation.
  18. I love to dance, and at different points in my life I’ve taken tap, ballet, hip hop, swing, tango, salsa, and broadway dance classes (some for much longer than others). Jazz/broadway style and hip hop are where most of my background lies. This is most relevant sexually in terms of my flexibility, which tends to surprise people a bit. I find ballroom dancing especially to be a great manifestation of power control, and a man who can spin me around a dance floor or keep up at a club is a whole different type of sexy.
  19.  I had a traumatic childhood experience with inter-female sexuality, and as a result I’m very, very hesitant to do anything sexual with a girl. I’ve loosened up on this a bit more over the last year, and am more open to playing in a kinky way with a female – especially as part of a couple who is topping me – but it’s still an often uncomfortable zone for me.
  20. Orgasms are strange for me. I can have a “mini” climax rather easily, but I’ve only had more intense orgasms a few times. Climaxes and shuddering from pain are their own separate category of pleasure. Too frequently, I get performance anxiety, especially in public play scenarios.
  21. I love to cuddle! I adore hugs and snuggling, and once you’ve welcomed it I’ll forever be happy to be a cuddle buddy. These feelings are amplified tenfold after a scene.
  22. More than I ever thought I would, I like edge play. The bite of fear thrills me. My reaction to fear scares me sometimes, but I do enjoy it. I’m curious about takedowns, kidnapping things, etc. (but only with role play).
  23. I’m entirely too curious for my own good. My curiosity has led me to try things I would never have considered, and usually I’m a “try it once before ruling it out” kind of person. There are many things that are going to take a lot of time, finding the right person, the right level of trust, etc. to do, but there are few things that I would rule out forever.
  24. I enjoy a dynamic where my partner is amused by my antics. I am very easily amused, and humor is important to me even during play. I enjoy it when my partner is also amused or is amused by my amusement, if that makes sense. That knowing, slightly condescending, stern look touched with humor can get me every time. Enjoying this dynamic is a large part of why I usually play with and date men who are older than myself. I’m not opposed to a younger guy, but I’ve yet to feel that same dynamic with a younger man. I will point out here, though, that there is a fine line, and if the condescension steps across it I become incredibly snarky and pissed off.
  25. I’m driven by my desire to make those around me happy. I vigilantly strive to please people. This drives my more submissive side. My snarky, independent side has spawned a switch-y being who may emerge at some point in the future, but it would definitely be more of a service top thing.

Hectic Week

Life lately has been VERY hectic.

  • Recurrence of my strep throat…yup, it came back. Had some new antibiotics, and it looks like it’s cleared up. Lots of blood was taken to check for mono and other diseases…should find out tomorrow what’s up with my body hating me.
  • The Dr I went to last week when I was sick was nice, but the office is entirely incompetent. My arm is bruised all over from drawing blood, the place was full of old equipment, they called my emergency contact with my results instead of me – after over a week, when it should’ve taken 3 days.
  • I had only accrued 9 hours of sick leave at work, and I had to take off 16 hours…this resulted in the largest clusterfuck of bureaucracy today. Lots of forms, memos, phone calls, and stress. Hopefully it will all get finalized and worked out tomorrow.
  • Went to Pittsburgh, saw my first Opera (which was great!), saw friends, got stressed out about job searching from said friends, and was reminded of all the things I loved about the city.
  • Did I mention job searching? Yeah, I’m behind on that. It’d help if I knew WTF I wanted to do… I think I’m going to work on making a list of places I’m interested in, look up alumni, then start setting up informational interviews. The issue is I want to stay where I am, but that might not be possible due to budget.
  • Work is great, but just got CRAZY busy. I’m now working on a second engagement for a few hours/week, which just adds to the stress level. Being sick last week didn’t help.
  • I think I’ve finally cemented that poly doesn’t work for me, I’m too jealous a person. I want to be special and treasured, not one of many. Being one of the girls doesn’t work for me. I’m a bit possessive, and I want my partner to be a bit possessive, but only if we’re agreed on being with one another in a monogamous situation.
  • My brain has started just giving up on things. Today, I mispronounced words all day. It’s like I got dyslexia of the mouth… hopefully sleep will cure this.
  • Hoping to go to BBN this weekend, maybe also to the DC TNG event. I may have missed the RSVP period for BBN, though, which would be unfortunate. I don’t want to have sex with anyone, even though orgies ensue there. I plan on being clothed, hopefully being tied up, and perhaps beaten. I don’t need to be all sexual and naked too. I swear I’m finally going to get the balls to assert this up front this time.
  • My free time is pretty much going to be gone for a while. A new class started tonight, and it’s worthwhile but will take a lot of time and effort. Added to that, the other classes I’m in have picked up hardcore. I have group meetings or class every night this week, it’s a bit ridiculous. I don’t know when I’m going to see people.