7/31 Rapture! (And growing up.)

Rapture was this past weekend, and I had a blast as usual. It took a bit of jager and some hip hop, but I let loose and danced for about an hour.  My general whiteness, prudishness, and pudginess keep people from thinking I can dance, but I can bust a move. I was blessed with good rhythm, took dance classes when I was young, and did choreographed competitive routines in high school. (Plus, all people from my area of the Midwest dance like they do in Detroit. Our high school dances were all bump-and-grind, at least until chaperones forcibly stopped us.)  So, I danced! I danced with women, I danced with men, I gave lap dances – all in a corset! Predictably, the next morning my thighs were incredibly sore from dropping it like it was hot.

I also played again with needles…and I climaxed just from that. Talk about endorphins! It still amazes me that I can react that way to pain, let alone to needles. I hate needles! They scare me, puncturing skin squicks me out, and I don’t like blood. Throughout play, I’m squeezing someone’s hand or a table with a death grip, and I squeak a bit, but it also sends all sorts of tingly messages elsewhere in my body. Plus, with the gauge of needle we used, there were no marks and no real lingering soreness, making it far too simple to use this is a way to fill my occasional pain cravings. 

Otherwise, as I alluded to a bit ago, I ended things with vanilla guy (finally). I may have gotten a tad over-anxious in the lead-up to that…I definitely used friends and google as resources. I eventually ended up with something about how it was missing the connection I was seeking in a longer-term partner. While true, it still kind of sucked. Thankfully, he was really civil and nice about the whole thing, and I’m proud of myself for growing up, owning my feelings, and not wasting his or my time.

Honestly though, it’s amazing to me how you can get along with someone so well yet still not necessarily feel any sexual attraction to them. It’s even harder to comprehend sometimes how one person can feel something strongly when another doesn’t. I feel like it’s so rare to find someone you mesh with on all levels, including sexually, and to have both people acknowledge it and be ready and able to develop a relationship. Those who have found that, treasure it.

As part of the ‘nilla “break-up,” I caught up with my vanilla BFF who always has this incredible knack of putting my life in perspective. She’s the strongest Christian I know, and yet she’s also the one who knows the most details about my kinky interactions. She’s amazing. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. I tend to look after her like a big sister.  I’ve been kind of on-edge since a few weeks before graduation, stuck in this go-go-go cycle. Basically, my irrational, unfounded fear of not having plans or friends post-grad resulted in me fostering so many relationships that now I’m overwhelmed with plans.

Basically, my fear of being alone left me with no time to be alone, and now I’m craving that alone time. It’s twisted. I genuinely like my varied friend groups, I have fun with them, and I want to hang out with them. Thing is, I have my grad school folks and my kinky folks, kinky events and dating, and then the “catch-up” and “new” people. Fake sister pointed out that if I haven’t seen someone in months or years, they can wait a while longer if it means I have more time to myself. Valid point.

Essentially, I need to prioritize getting my shit together, and start establishing a routine. I need to formalize a laundry day and grocery day, make lunches in advance, and fit in time for the gym (maybe overlap it with catching up on favorite shows?) on top of my social life. I’ve been prioritizing the social life, which while fun, ends up draining energy and making me feel anxious for missing the rest of things…plus it’s costly and not always healthiest.


Chugging along, slowly but surely. Just a few things on my mind today.

1) FINALS. Ick. I’m making progress with my studying, but it’s rough. I hate having to choose between doing what I want to do, and what I should do. At the end of the day, I’m paying big money to learn things from this program, and I have to prioritize my education. It sucks – I’m passing up play opportunities, parties, and other fun things in order to study. *bitchbitchbitch* I do acknowledge what is most important, though, and I can’t blow 7 weeks of work in one weekend. So, studying it is.

2) I leave Pittsburgh 2 weeks from tomorrow. Of those I know that are also leaving, I’m the only one who is actually attached to Pittsburgh. Other people are sentimental about the friends who will be in Pitt for their 2nd year, but I will actually miss the city itself. I love the ambiance, the attitudes, the attractions. I immersed myself in all that Pittsburgh has to offer, and so I’m sad to leave it. I would be happy living here long-term. It makes me sentimental about Indiana, even.

3) Maturity and age do not always correspond. Soap box of the week: you need to respect your body, yourself, and those you care about. It is better to be classy than to be crazy. You can let loose and still be classy, if you are aware of your surroundings. No matter what it seems like, when you’re interacting with peers who will someday be colleagues, you should maintain some semblance of sanity.

4) I used to test in the Myers-Briggs as an INTJ: Mastermind. I’ve retested twice lately, and both times have come out as ESTJ (w/ the “e” being just barely). The descriptors fit me so well it is kind of creepy. IE:

“ESTJs are joiners.”

“ESTJs are driven to give service to the community in such areas as government employee, military or police officer.”

“ESTJs are very good at making impersonal decisions quickly.” “They value competence and efficiency.” “Their logic and honesty sometimes make them insensitive to others’ emotions.” “They are easily engaged in various pursuits.”

“ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.”
5) Have I mentioned I love to dance? I love it! I can’t wait to get involved in the social dance scene in DC. Thank God for friends who like to try new things with me!