Day 14, 30 Days of Kink

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well, the first obvious thing here is that it’s real. Real life BDSM is not just in your head. It’s not the fleeting thoughts on your morning commute or in-depth fantasy world from your bedroom.

I think the biggest difference between fantasy and reality comes with how much ownership and responsibility one has to have with their own desires and experiences, especially as a submissive or bottom-type female. In novels and stories, Dominants always seem to know the thoughts running through their subs’ mind. They know when to hold back or to push harder, they know what the bottom’s limits are, and they can feel when something is amiss. They know when to tease versus when to be serious, when to punish and when to reward.

This omniscient Dom doesn’t exist in reality. Yes, sometimes you might work with someone often enough and have enough chemistry that it starts to feel like the Top knows your mind, but the reality is that the dynamic desired stems from deep, honest communication. As a submissive, you have to know your limits and what things interest you, and you need to communicate that to your Top. You have to vocalize when you enjoy something and when you don’t. You need to let the person know if they can push you harder. You let them know if you’re upset. People can’t read minds; being kinky doesn’t automatically make you a mind reader.

Sure, it’d be great if I could hide from my emotions sometimes. It’d be nice to act out fantasies without having to talk through them. I get really shy and awkward at times, and the fantasy Dom would work around that. Reality – Doms can be awkward too.

The other way reality differs from fantasy is that real world things get in the way. Sometimes work, school, family, vanilla friends, errands, etc. get in the way of your kink. Sometimes you’re too busy, or you have cramps/a cold and don’t feel like getting kinky at all. Sometimes power dynamics have to shift due to real-world responsibilities.

Lastly, sometimes play hits an emotional land-mine you had absolutely no idea was there, and you have to work through that with your partner and yourself. These things aren’t thought about as much during fantasy. Reality is just that – real – and that means it isn’t always sunny or fun, and sometimes involves dealing with people’s real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. That said, the harder parts are what make the good parts rewarding, and reality is even better than fantasy because of the difficulty, self-growth, and journey you take with your partner(s).


I spent several hours talking with my current roommates tonight, and I feel much reassured about the world (especially my part of it).

I’ve been worried an inexplicable amount about not having friends or people to hang out with after school is over and I move out of my current living situation. It’s crazy, but I’ve never not been in school or some other structured setting. It’s scary because it’s an uncertainty.

Tonight, I realized there are way too many things I can do to keep myself from being in a friendless state. First off, I have a lot of people in town that I can’t connect with because of my current schedule, so having more time means more, not less, friends to do things with. Moreover, there are endless kinky events I could attend, and I could foster the relationships I have with those people. Plus, of course, my current friends in my program and my roommates now aren’t going to ditch me because we graduate – if they didn’t like hanging out with me, they wouldn’t have kept doing it all the last two years.

But, should I end up with too much time and not enough social life, there are options! I can join my sorority’s local alumni group, which has book clubs, brunch clubs, and volunteer activities. I can take an art class! The Art League in Alexandria offers a stained glass class, a ceramics class, and an intro photography class that all appeal greatly. I could join a choral group; there are several audition-only groups that meet once a week and have regular performances. This would require some practice since I haven’t done sight reading in a good 6 years, but my voice still sounds good. Plus, there are hundreds of interesting groups on – board games, wine lovers, foodies, book clubs, outdoor adventures, french language and culture, the list goes on.

I’m going to be meeting a helluva lot of people in the next few months, and I already know quite a few. I need to relax about it. I know this anxiety stems from my disgusting habit to always worry about something, and I have nothing else to be anxious about right now, but I’m letting it go!

On a random ironic note, now that my job and roommate situations are all finalized, I’ve had two employers seek me out and a roommate seek me out in the last 24 hours. What’s in the air?

Lastly, my roommate discussion led to talking about how in DC, so many people define themselves by their work. I realized that I don’t define myself by my job, but rather the parts of my personality that allow me to succeed at my job. I place a lot of my self worth in my commitment to public service; my adventurous, openminded attitude; my dedication to compromise and efficiency; and my curiosity, passion, and enthusiasm. Those things are all considered strengths in my field, which is why the two associate, but on the whole these characteristics are how I “define” myself rather than by what I do. What I do changes, but these things don’t.

2/20 – Post DOWF

It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m  incredibly tired.

One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.

In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up.  It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.

Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.

Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).

In a collection of randoms…

  • I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
  • I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
  • The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
  • Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
  • My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.