Surprises

I was a little surprised by some things this past weekend. I’m at a point where there are so many options that I’m a bit paralyzed. I guess more than anything, there’s just a variety of situations that I’m open to now.

First off, I’m thrown by my interest in topping. I still have no interest in being the dominant partner in a D/s relationship, but I do enjoy messing with someone. I like pleasing people, I like swatting things, and I like having fun – if someone has fun and gets off on being swatted, then why not top? I shouldn’t be surprised, since I used to hit my friends with branches/newspapers jokingly all the time when I was younger, but I am. Mainly, I don’t get off on having control, but I do get off on my partner getting off. It’s a tricky combo.

On the exact opposite side, I really do want to pursue a D/s relationship. I’ve played more with some people who exude power, and it not only turns me on but makes me feel safe and happy. I like pleasing people, and being given opportunities to serve or please my partner. I like being forced to stay within certain boundaries. I’m rarely faced with true authority. I’m not manipulative, per se, but I’m persuasive and analytical, and even at work where I should be the subordinate, I usually get my way. Since I’m single and only responsible for myself, I have autonomy over my life and my decisions. I’m heavily influenced by friends and family, but at the end of the day, no one has authority over me outside of the law. I do things well, but it is so relaxing and amazing to be able to trust someone else to get shit done. It’s great to have someone else’s opinion to defer to. No matter how good I am at being in control and leading, I will always find more satisfaction in yielding that control to someone else, so long as that other person is qualified. It’s really just a matter of finding someone I respect and trust is that qualified person.

With that, I didn’t realize fear would turn me on so much. I tend to stay in my head quite a bit. I’m open with my reactions, but not with my emotions (at least not outside of this blog). If someone can get in my head and make me afraid, and is confident enough to fuck with me, well, that’s incredibly hot. Fear is an expression of vulnerability, and while I do everything possible to minimize vulnerability in my vanilla life, I really enjoy it in my romantic and sexual relationships. I’m craving that vulnerability now. I want someone to command me and get in my head.

Lastly, I’m slightly less put off by sexual play with women. I’m still not really comfortable with certain sexual things, but I do find some females and queer folk attractive. Who knows where that will go.

3/12

I just spent several hours playing a game with some friends, and it was a blast. I haven’t played many games in a long time, even though I always really enjoy it when I do play them. I think the last time was playing Taboo with some alcohol before Christmas. Anyhow, we played Settlers of Catan, which is ridiculously fun. There’s something about getting a bunch of competitive people together to play a strategic game, especially in this one since you have to work together. It’s funny how much glee you can derive from shutting down someone else’s strategy. I’m not normally a bitchy person at all, but it got more than a little heated.

I was thinking more about power exchange and different roles over the last few days, and I’ve decided I’m done with it. I am who I am. I like to tease, laugh, snark, challenge, and debate those around me. Sometimes I might want to jokingly beat up on someone, and I enjoy teasing my partner a bit sexually too (so long as he enjoys it), but I also hate confrontation, hate upsetting other people/love to please, and enjoy when a guy is stronger and has power over me. I have no idea what labels fit me best. Labels are useful, in that they can convey so much to potential partners in just one word, but I’m so tired of trying to defend my label choice to people. Hell if I know what box I fit in – decide for yourself, I’ll just be me.

I’ve had a great few days, in all. I forget sometimes how awesome my Pittsburgh friends are. First, the networking event this past week was great. I had two folks show sincere interest, so I’m going to follow up with them both. One would be great, but isn’t better than the offer on the table. The other one is private sector, which goes against my desire to do public service, but since it’s a contractor it kind of still is. Plus, it could have better benefits. So, we’ll see. I got to see a bunch of folks from last year, and then got ridiculously tipsy afterwards on tequila. The career center staff ended up showing up at the bar we were at, which was funny – they took shots with us and everything. Only in grad school… The next morning was not great given the liquor and lack of sleep since I don’t normally drink very much, but it was really fun.

Other bonuses of the weekend: I tried dim sum (from rolling carts!) for the first time and I bought my first corset (corset-dress, actually…happy graduation to me). Now I just have to get my stuff together for the capstone project, play a bunch of catch-up on emails and phone calls, and figure out how to do my taxes. Filing for 3 states is NOT going to be fun. Correction – I just did the research and I can not file in Indiana! Thank god, or I’d owe significant money back for no apparent reason (I don’t live there!). Anyhow, a two-state file still is going to suck a bit. We’ll see how it goes.