Fetlife Labels

Currently, my label on Fetlife reads “submissive.” I chose this label because a Dominant as a partner would be most likely to meet the majority of my needs. The reality, however, is that a variety of labels suit me depending on the time, place, and people involved. I don’t want a potential play partner or romantic interest to rule themselves out because of my label, hence this post. At the end of the day, I am who I am, and I could not care less about labels. Thing is, marketing is important in terms of addressing the right audiences. So, here goes.

Kink Labels, Roles, and Identities:

My primary role is submissive. You wouldn’t know it at first – I’m in no way the type to kneel down to everyone. I don’t call all Dominants “Sir” or “Ma’am.” I don’t submit during casual play. I’m very opinionated, independent, ambitious, energetic, and snarky. All that enthusiasm and passion goes towards pleasing my partner when I’m submitting to someone (with a side of humor), but it can be a bit intense at first. It takes someone with their shit together who is confident and unafraid of their own power for me to submit. I react strongly to powerful people. When I acknowledge someone’s authority over me, I surrender to it wholeheartedly. It’s just that because that level of vulnerability, intimacy, and devotion is such an intense thing, I don’t do so casually. I need to have a solid relationship foundation first. I’m currently seeking a Dominant man, preferably mostly monogamous, for a long term relationship. I’m not interested in full 24/7 D/s, but more of a bedroom-certain activities type of thing. I’m new to this, and have much room for growth.

My primary need is my masochism. I both love and hate this part of myself – I have a mixture of pride, shame, fear, lust, and excitement that all kind of go with it. At the end of the day, though, it’s an elemental part of who I am. Pain is a fantastic emotional release for me. It’s cathartic. When I’m stressed, pain forces me to be in the moment and relax enough to embrace it. With the right partner, pain is also pure pleasure for me. I can get off purely on pain sometimes. My biggest kinks relate back to my masochism (teasing and denial, nipple torture, covert bondage/teasing). I have a high pain tolerance, and I enjoy – need – to push those limits. It’s extremely difficult for me to find sadists to play with, which is frustrating. I need more than service tops pleasing me with pain; I need to know that the person administering the pain is getting off on giving it. I don’t want them to just hurt me until I cum – I want them to stop only if and when they want to, unless I safeword. I want my desire to please to be manipulated so I can take more. I want them to want me to suffer for them, and I want to endure for them. I’m seeking a Sadist who can push my limits to whom I’m sexually attracted and emotionally connected.

My primary fetish is rope bondage. I enjoy all bondage as a bottom (and am alway up for some time in chains/straps/cuffs), but rope is the big fetish. With rope, I switch. I enjoy tying and tying others. I enjoy rope for fun, for sex, or for restraint. I enjoy rope by itself – I’ll sleep with it sometimes. I enjoy the feel of it on my skin and the sensuality of it, the smell. I enjoy the possibilities, the stretching of muscles and testing of my flexibility. I like using it for leverage to grapple. I enjoy the options – you can be tied to anything! I love it, I get off on it, and I find peace in it. I’m always seeking more people to tie me up or to practice on, whether just for fun, for practice, or for a more elaborate scene.

My recreational kinky hobby is letting my inner sadist play. I like to play, to tease, and to have fun. I enjoy flogging others and sensory play. I like messing with knives, tickling, my nails, and wartenburg wheels. I like wrestling and winning, then taking advantage. I’m learning – I’m VERY new to topping – but I get a lot of giggly glee from messing with my friends. I have to really trust someone’s communicative abilities to do any of this, though. Most frequently, topping for me is a service thing or just for fun, I’m not into creating a really intense, fearful, surprising, creative scene…at least not right now. I’m not really seeking anything with this, but rather catch me in the right mood and I’ll give it a go.

My primary sexual identity is heteroflexible (code: mostly straight). There’s some flexibility there, but it’s selective. For the most part, I’m interested in forming romantic relationships with men, and I’m interested in sex with men. For kink, though, it’s a bit different. I’m only comfortable with above-the-waist sexual play with females, and I’m very new to it. It’s rare, but when I’m feeling it with someone I’m willing to go with it. I do enjoy scening with woman however, assuming a certain dynamic with them and mental connection. I find the tender, giggly sadism that woman tend to have very appealing.

Important Notes for Play:

  • I don’t do pick-up play well…I find the idea of being one of a long list of appointments in an evening very distasteful. I prefer to play with friends, and make arrangements to play with them. I make exceptions if there’s a strong initial attraction, if I’m experimenting with something new with an expert, if I’m demo-ing, or if we have mutual friends who really recommend it. It comes down to attitude; when I “scene” with someone (not random experimentation, but an actual scene), I focus 100% on them, and I want the same in return. I don’t want to hear about other play dates scheduled and I don’t want to feel rushed. I want interruptions minimal and ignored as much as possible. I need to trust my partner, be comfortable with them, and not feel overly awkward (nerves are ok). I need to have a strong mental connection and some form of attraction, whether it be physical, intellectual, or something else. Point of this tangent – if you ask to play, I may put you off because of the above. It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not interested, but it may be too soon, the mood might not be right, or I may just not be comfortable with the particular location.
  • Added to that, I don’t do sex in public, and I don’t do scenes where my sexual pleasure is the focus unless we are regular play partners. There are certain private play parties where this may vary, but that’s the exception not the rule. Don’t pull out vibrators for a scene in public – let me suggest them if I want them. Sexual touching without discussing it first makes me uncomfortable. Scening does not mean I’ve given you permission to mess with my nipples or genitals.
  • Lastly, public humiliation and degradation aren’t my kinks. I like teasing and being flustered, I don’t like being made to feel worthless. I don’t like being condescended to. Face slapping, feet stepping on my face, crawling, bizarre/attention-drawing toys, writing on me, name-calling (other than ‘slut for me’ or ‘my slut’) – all are no. In a relationship, in private, they aren’t necessarily limits…but otherwise, no. It’s safer to ask before doing anything along these lines.
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My “First” Suspension

I was suspended this weekend, and it was awesome.

I had been suspended once before, but in many ways I don’t think it counts. I was very skeptical of the whole thing, and last September a local well-seasoned rope man strung some rope into a swing and had me sit in it, lean back and added some more ropes so that I wasn’t touching the floor at all. It was fun, comfortable, and showed me that yes, rope does hold.

Since then, I’ve concentrated mainly on floor and partial suspension work. I love hogties and predicaments, ball ties and shrimp ties. Who am I kidding, I love all rope. I met rope people and played with rope people, but I was afraid to ask people to suspend me. Most of the people getting suspended are super tiny, petite folks, and I’m not that at all. I didn’t want to ask and be told I’m too heavy, so I just held off.

Recently, I self-suspended at a local event and that allayed some of my residual hesitancy. I realized that you can lean into and lift into suspensions in ways that don’t require the rigger to lift your body weight. That, combined with more knowledge of nerve placement and an increase in fuller-figured women in rope on fetlife (and threads about that), and I started to get more comfortable. The real clincher was trusting my rope partner. I brought up suspension several weeks ago to indicate my interest in a “if you’re into it, I’d be into it” type of way. I figured that gave him an out if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, and left it at that. Well, this weekend he suggested we try a suspension, and I was all for it.

I was nervous and afraid that it would hurt too much or something wouldn’t be able to hold me, essentially that I’d make an awful spectacle of myself. Instead, things went splendidly. We did a side suspension. I started off in a TK (chest harness), and then he added support to my right thigh and leg and tied me into a partial suspension. I then lifted up my other leg and he tied it up as well before adding some ropes around my waist and ankles.

Suspension is amazingly freeing. Escaping is even less feasible than floor ties, only squirming leaves you spinning. The loss of grounding left me feeling even more out of control, which was right up my alley. There was a little pain where my weight was mostly being held off of ropes around my thigh, but I enjoyed that too because it was just enough to keep me in the moment.

In other rope news…still waiting on my Maui Kink rope order of hemp and coconut. I did purchase about 200 feet of Jute from a local seller, and I’m in love with it. It’s rough, scratchy, and smells divine.

I will say that the one benefit to a monogamous rope relationship would be that I’d always have a guaranteed partner for classes. There’s a predicament bondage class coming up next week that I’d love to check out, but I don’t have a partner for the class. I don’t want to pay and drive all the way to Baltimore only to be the awkward girl in the corner with no one to play with. Or, almost worse, since it’s a predicament class, to be paired with a really creepy stranger. Stinks.

Randoms 7/19

A day for randoms. Haven’t done this in a while, but it’s time.

I love polka dots on clothing. I love when classic retro mixes with preppy. Think Audrey Hepburn goes sailing. Navy, camel, white, black, deep red, grey, plum. Polka dots, argyle, plaid. Full A-line dresses, pencil skirts, cardigans, blazers, scarves. Mary janes, oxfords, sperrys. Pearls, headbands, burberry. If I were a rich girl, I’d splurge on creating a closet full of these things.

This video is awesome. Carly Rae Jepson by military folks in Afghanistan.

I’m already debating jumping ship at work. I’m going crazy with no work to do! There’s only so much news-reading someone can do in a day. I feel guilty for not working, and yet I have no way to get something to do.

I’ve recently been obsessed with Earl Grey tea. Loving the caffeine in the morning. It also helps because getting coffee at work is a major social thing.

I find texting extremely complicated. It’s so hard to read tone, unless people put in exclamation points or happy faces. There’s so much drama about how long to wait to respond, etc. and so many unwritten rules. Ick. At the same time, I love the convenience and the conciseness of texts.

Every weekend another group of acquaintances on facebook get married. People need to stop it!! My friends are too young for this.

Something that was driven home in the last few months was that I really can’t play with people I’m not attracted to. You don’t have to necessarily be a certain type of physically attractive, but I need you to inspire some form of desire in me for me to bottom to you. You could just have a really powerful vibe, or a great sense of humor that puts me at ease, or there could be a great physical spark – whatever it is, I need something. Just because I like someone as a friend doesn’t mean we have a dynamic that works for me for play. Rope practice? Sure, because it’s a casual, non-threatening, non-sexual thing. Pain play, however, requires a very specific headspace for me; in order to enjoy pain, I have to want you to hurt me, be attracted to your sadism and/or dominance. If not, it just hurts, and not in a fun way. A sensual or sexual rope scene – I have to want your hands on me, want to be helplessly at your mercy.

Edited a few days later to add:

I suspended myself (for a minute, but still), which was awesome. It was far easier than I thought. I also realized that if I can do that to myself so easily, really it shouldn’t be that difficult for someone else to do it to me. I always felt like it’d be a burden to suspend me since I’m not super tiny, but this gave me confidence that it shouldn’t be as much of an issue as I was making it in my head.

7/8

Well, I’m on my first “official” business trip, even though it’s just for training. It’s strange, I have a whole hotel room to myself, which I’m not used to at all. It does make me feel grown up, though. I’m excited for this training – I get to shoot guns and learn driving tricks. Now, if I could shake this headache and nausea before having to do a forced skid from going backwards at 45mph, that’d be great.

On a similar note, looks like I’ll be going to the war zone a lot sooner than anticipated. I guess I was still skeptical that I’d have to go at all, but they’re saying early Fall now. After hearing the financial benefits of going longer term, I’m not as concerned as I was before, but it’s still dangerous. I’m not sure how I’ll handle myself in such a stressful environment, but if ever there was a time to go do something dangerous, now is it.

In other related job things, a guy at work asked me out last week. I’m a bit pissed off about it, actually, because really? Who asks someone out after they’ve been there 2 weeks?! It’s frustrating, because now it has the potential to be really awkward for the rest of my time working there. I’d like friends at work, but dating someone at work is risky. If it were a contractor and I was very interested, maybe, but it’d have to be someone pretty damn spectacular for me to go for it. I went online that night and realized the guy is on OkCupid and had viewed my profile, and that definitely could be part of why he asked me. Thing is, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to date everyone.

After that, I started considering deleting my OkC profile. I’m a bit overcommitted right now between varying groups of friends, kinky play arrangements, and dating. I don’t have a lot of time for another person in my schedule. If it were a new kinky person, I’d probably make time, but OkC people are not usually kinky people. (And if you read this regularly you know how bad I am at identifying when they are…)

It’s funny though, because one of my vanilla friends met a kinky guy I know, and definitely thought it was an OkC connection. Apparently when asked how we met, kinky guy said “out in DC,” which is normally vanilla guy’s code for an online date. I couldn’t really explain any better, so I think I seemed bizarrely vague to vanilla friend. Oh well. As one friend said recently, telling people about my kink is kind of addictive. Once you’re out to one friend, it’s easier to come out to others, sometimes when you might be better off witholding that information. It was an interesting 4th of July though, mixing a kinky person into my vanilla group. It was nice, actually, because it wasn’t an issue at all. I only know a few kinky folks who would fit in with my ‘nilla friends, and it’s so much simpler when they do.

In a last note on dating, I think I’ve determined that at this point, kink is a necessity in my relationships. I’m enjoying myself too much for it not to be. I’d scale it back for the right person, but I like attending classes and workshops, and seeing my kinky friends, going to parties, etc. It’s fun. It lets me explore. As a result, next time I see vanilla date dude, I’m going to need to clarify some shit. Hopefully that will go smoothly.

I’ve also been thinking a lot more about polyamory lately. I really just don’t know how I feel about it. On many levels, I’m fine with people loving as they want, and all that jazz. On other levels, I want to be the priority, the primary. I want to be special and different – yes, more important – than the other people my partner may play with. I wish I was a less possessive person, but honestly, after my childhood that had long periods of emotional neglect, I’m admittedly more insecure. I can trust someone not to physically harm me relatively quickly, but to trust someone enough to believe they aren’t going to take advantage of/betray my trust, well, that takes a lot more effort.

I did promise some more details about Fusion in an earlier post, so I can delve a bit more in depth here. One of the things I did that was new for me was make out with a girl. I love kissing, but I’ve kissed more bad kissers than good ones (note: eating my face is not hot). This woman in particular was a great kisser, and it was definitely different than with a guy – softer, and somehow easier to be agressive. Another experience for me was masturbating around other people. I got myself off in a group setting – two other women were masturbating, another was watching, and two men were watching/participating in various fashions. It was late, dark, a little chilly and damp. It was also really hot. I’ve never watched porn, really, but watching people in real life is sexy. It’s been nice to branch out a bit and be more open to playing sexually in public. The next day, I did a heavy S/m scene in the dungeon in just my panties, which was a new level of exposure for me as well. (I also hit subspace harder than I think I ever have, which was kind of awesome. I came from this guy punching my ass…yes, in some conditions, I’m most definitely a pain slut.)

Since Fusion, I’ve been able to play a bit more with rope which has been fun. I did a scene that was a lot rougher and included rope, which was uber-hot. I hit subspace from that as well, which is always a bit strange. I get in this headspace where I really would do anything or take anything, I think, if it pleased the person I was playing with. Everything becomes pleasurable and I can’t even think. And then I climax, and proceed to shake for about an hour or two with aftershocks.

To sum this up on yet another unrelated note, I think I may write another erotic story soon. I had some inspiration about the potential for a drive-in movie or road trip. Basically,  I have an idea for how to be bound in a particular way inside a car, and then combine that with some good ol’ orgasm denial and teasing with some minor exhibitionism. On the one hand, I feel like my short erotic stories all have the same themes and thus are boring, but if I add more character depth I end up writing way too much. I need to find some form of balance.

Day 12, 30 Days of Kink

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

This one’s easy, and recalls an experience I had about a month ago. I’m an active member of the Washington, DC kink community, including the DC Rope group. One of DR’s goals is to bring educational rope events to the local community, and in April they brought in Midori, a well-known rope educator/expert. There were two days of classes, one focusing on her speciality of rope dance, and the other combining rope speed and flow and predicament bondage. I only attended the second day. I attended the event with a friend who I’d played with a good deal before, so we’re comfortable with one another, joking/laughing/talking during play was normal.

Anyhow, the speed and flow class involved choosing one tie, and then you first had ten minutes to tie your partner. The partners would then switch – everyone had to do all parts of the class (no pure top/bottoming). Since I normally stick to being a rope bottom, this was new territory for me. After we’d done it once that way, we then repeated the drill with less time, one handed with our dominant hand, one handed with our non-dominant hand, and then blindfolded. You can imagine that this was entertaining in and of itself.

Thing is, Midori is known for her rope dance, which involves creating connection with your partner and maintaining it throughout a scene. She emphasizes physicality during play, and throwing your partner around is highly encouraged. My friend and I kept getting scolded for not playing rough enough during the first few drills. So, we got more playful, and while I was tying him up, top that he is, he kept trying to overpower me. Since he’s a decently strong and large man (over 6′), and I’m not that great a rigger, he was succeeding, and it started cracking me up. This continued throughout the rest of the class, and the look Midori gave us was priceless. We definitely got the “Behave, children!” glare a few times. For wrestling in a bondage class, after being told to get physical. Maybe you had to be there, but I found it really funny at the time and still do.

Plus, added bonus – I learned that I can enjoy rigging and I’m not half bad at it. The class also spawned an idea for a scene that purposely involved a guy letting me tie him up only to be overpowered and taken down (hot, right? I think so.).

Personally, I’d much rather take my kink with a healthy dose of humor. Laughing and joking really helps me relax into the situation and enjoy myself more. If I’m not comfortable enough to tease/snark/laugh, than I usually spend too much time over-thinking things and not enough time enjoying myself.

Day 2, 30 Days of Kink

Day 2: List your kinks.

Well, I’ve done that before; see my Fetishes and Limits post. Or, better yet, see my fetlife profile.

But hey, in the interest of this exercise, I’ll do it again.

My biggest kink is bondage. Continue reading