Shackles

I bought iron shackles at the MD renaissance festival in September. It happened in a sort of weird way. I was walking around with a guy I’d been dating (if briefly – that has since ended), and someone he kind of knew walked up to him to show off the iron shackles he’d purchased. I was immediately fascinated, and I asked him to show us where he got them. All three of us wandered around, shopped, and talked for most of the rest of the day. He indeed led us to the blacksmith, where I bought my own set of shackles.

I didn’t get fetlife names for any of the kinky people I met, including the man who showed us to the shackles and we spent a good deal of time with, which I regretted a great deal afterwards. That guy contacted me this week (hurrah for reconnecting), and it got me thinking a bit about chains and shackles again, among other things. I’d been wondering more about steel bondage anyhow, and had been finding some interesting tumblr photos. I’ve used handcuffs a few times, and was wrapped up in chains once casually at a party, but haven’t ever spent a good amount of time in that kind of bondage. Most of my bondage experience is with rope, which I adore, but chains appeal for a distinctly different reason.

I like rope because of the smell and texture, the ability to tease and connect with your partner through the act of tying, and the variety of painful and unique positions. Rope gives me a chance of escape, which enhances my struggle.

Chains and metal bondage, however, fascinate me because they are so unyielding. There is absolutely no chance of escape. They are cold and hard.

I’ve wanted to use my shackles, but haven’t been with anyone I really trust to use them since buying them. I’ve been afraid to use them on my own (I can cut myself out of my rope should something go wrong, I can’t do that with metal). Last night, I finally said fuck it and locked myself in. In doing so, I learned a few things.

1) With some maneuvering and finagling, I can wriggle myself out of the cuffs.

2) The snick/clank of the lock immediately rachets my arousal up several notches. I can only imagine how much it would do so were I not the one holding the key.

3) Holy hell easily-achieved strong orgasm. Want more chains.

Advertisements

9/23

In an update…

Have been in training for work for the last two weeks, and got to do some fabulous networking. We did some fun exercises that reminded me why I love the field I’m in. Honestly, had I had this training earlier, I wouldn’t have been at such a loss the last few months. Now I feel like I’m very behind on everything I need to know for my current project. Such is life – you’re bored until you’re behind.

I’ve gone to a more events lately, and experimented a tiny bit more with rope topping. I’m much more curious about switching lately. I’ve also kind of worn myself out from kinky play-centric events. Pick up play just isn’t doing it for me anymore. If I know people at an event, that changes, but otherwise meh. With that, I went to a party last night that ended up being very chill and left me with the same feeling. I’m used to being busy, or being horny, but not so much the lonely. For some reason, I’ve been feeling the lonely more lately. I think it’s because I’d rather do more low-key, not-public event things, but since I’d still like to meet someone special I try to get out more than that. Ugh.

The overseas trip has been postponed a week, so now I will be missing Halloween. If anyone has book recommendations, please send them my way!

My “First” Suspension

I was suspended this weekend, and it was awesome.

I had been suspended once before, but in many ways I don’t think it counts. I was very skeptical of the whole thing, and last September a local well-seasoned rope man strung some rope into a swing and had me sit in it, lean back and added some more ropes so that I wasn’t touching the floor at all. It was fun, comfortable, and showed me that yes, rope does hold.

Since then, I’ve concentrated mainly on floor and partial suspension work. I love hogties and predicaments, ball ties and shrimp ties. Who am I kidding, I love all rope. I met rope people and played with rope people, but I was afraid to ask people to suspend me. Most of the people getting suspended are super tiny, petite folks, and I’m not that at all. I didn’t want to ask and be told I’m too heavy, so I just held off.

Recently, I self-suspended at a local event and that allayed some of my residual hesitancy. I realized that you can lean into and lift into suspensions in ways that don’t require the rigger to lift your body weight. That, combined with more knowledge of nerve placement and an increase in fuller-figured women in rope on fetlife (and threads about that), and I started to get more comfortable. The real clincher was trusting my rope partner. I brought up suspension several weeks ago to indicate my interest in a “if you’re into it, I’d be into it” type of way. I figured that gave him an out if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, and left it at that. Well, this weekend he suggested we try a suspension, and I was all for it.

I was nervous and afraid that it would hurt too much or something wouldn’t be able to hold me, essentially that I’d make an awful spectacle of myself. Instead, things went splendidly. We did a side suspension. I started off in a TK (chest harness), and then he added support to my right thigh and leg and tied me into a partial suspension. I then lifted up my other leg and he tied it up as well before adding some ropes around my waist and ankles.

Suspension is amazingly freeing. Escaping is even less feasible than floor ties, only squirming leaves you spinning. The loss of grounding left me feeling even more out of control, which was right up my alley. There was a little pain where my weight was mostly being held off of ropes around my thigh, but I enjoyed that too because it was just enough to keep me in the moment.

In other rope news…still waiting on my Maui Kink rope order of hemp and coconut. I did purchase about 200 feet of Jute from a local seller, and I’m in love with it. It’s rough, scratchy, and smells divine.

I will say that the one benefit to a monogamous rope relationship would be that I’d always have a guaranteed partner for classes. There’s a predicament bondage class coming up next week that I’d love to check out, but I don’t have a partner for the class. I don’t want to pay and drive all the way to Baltimore only to be the awkward girl in the corner with no one to play with. Or, almost worse, since it’s a predicament class, to be paired with a really creepy stranger. Stinks.

Randoms 7/19

A day for randoms. Haven’t done this in a while, but it’s time.

I love polka dots on clothing. I love when classic retro mixes with preppy. Think Audrey Hepburn goes sailing. Navy, camel, white, black, deep red, grey, plum. Polka dots, argyle, plaid. Full A-line dresses, pencil skirts, cardigans, blazers, scarves. Mary janes, oxfords, sperrys. Pearls, headbands, burberry. If I were a rich girl, I’d splurge on creating a closet full of these things.

This video is awesome. Carly Rae Jepson by military folks in Afghanistan.

I’m already debating jumping ship at work. I’m going crazy with no work to do! There’s only so much news-reading someone can do in a day. I feel guilty for not working, and yet I have no way to get something to do.

I’ve recently been obsessed with Earl Grey tea. Loving the caffeine in the morning. It also helps because getting coffee at work is a major social thing.

I find texting extremely complicated. It’s so hard to read tone, unless people put in exclamation points or happy faces. There’s so much drama about how long to wait to respond, etc. and so many unwritten rules. Ick. At the same time, I love the convenience and the conciseness of texts.

Every weekend another group of acquaintances on facebook get married. People need to stop it!! My friends are too young for this.

Something that was driven home in the last few months was that I really can’t play with people I’m not attracted to. You don’t have to necessarily be a certain type of physically attractive, but I need you to inspire some form of desire in me for me to bottom to you. You could just have a really powerful vibe, or a great sense of humor that puts me at ease, or there could be a great physical spark – whatever it is, I need something. Just because I like someone as a friend doesn’t mean we have a dynamic that works for me for play. Rope practice? Sure, because it’s a casual, non-threatening, non-sexual thing. Pain play, however, requires a very specific headspace for me; in order to enjoy pain, I have to want you to hurt me, be attracted to your sadism and/or dominance. If not, it just hurts, and not in a fun way. A sensual or sexual rope scene – I have to want your hands on me, want to be helplessly at your mercy.

Edited a few days later to add:

I suspended myself (for a minute, but still), which was awesome. It was far easier than I thought. I also realized that if I can do that to myself so easily, really it shouldn’t be that difficult for someone else to do it to me. I always felt like it’d be a burden to suspend me since I’m not super tiny, but this gave me confidence that it shouldn’t be as much of an issue as I was making it in my head.

7/8

Well, I’m on my first “official” business trip, even though it’s just for training. It’s strange, I have a whole hotel room to myself, which I’m not used to at all. It does make me feel grown up, though. I’m excited for this training – I get to shoot guns and learn driving tricks. Now, if I could shake this headache and nausea before having to do a forced skid from going backwards at 45mph, that’d be great.

On a similar note, looks like I’ll be going to the war zone a lot sooner than anticipated. I guess I was still skeptical that I’d have to go at all, but they’re saying early Fall now. After hearing the financial benefits of going longer term, I’m not as concerned as I was before, but it’s still dangerous. I’m not sure how I’ll handle myself in such a stressful environment, but if ever there was a time to go do something dangerous, now is it.

In other related job things, a guy at work asked me out last week. I’m a bit pissed off about it, actually, because really? Who asks someone out after they’ve been there 2 weeks?! It’s frustrating, because now it has the potential to be really awkward for the rest of my time working there. I’d like friends at work, but dating someone at work is risky. If it were a contractor and I was very interested, maybe, but it’d have to be someone pretty damn spectacular for me to go for it. I went online that night and realized the guy is on OkCupid and had viewed my profile, and that definitely could be part of why he asked me. Thing is, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to date everyone.

After that, I started considering deleting my OkC profile. I’m a bit overcommitted right now between varying groups of friends, kinky play arrangements, and dating. I don’t have a lot of time for another person in my schedule. If it were a new kinky person, I’d probably make time, but OkC people are not usually kinky people. (And if you read this regularly you know how bad I am at identifying when they are…)

It’s funny though, because one of my vanilla friends met a kinky guy I know, and definitely thought it was an OkC connection. Apparently when asked how we met, kinky guy said “out in DC,” which is normally vanilla guy’s code for an online date. I couldn’t really explain any better, so I think I seemed bizarrely vague to vanilla friend. Oh well. As one friend said recently, telling people about my kink is kind of addictive. Once you’re out to one friend, it’s easier to come out to others, sometimes when you might be better off witholding that information. It was an interesting 4th of July though, mixing a kinky person into my vanilla group. It was nice, actually, because it wasn’t an issue at all. I only know a few kinky folks who would fit in with my ‘nilla friends, and it’s so much simpler when they do.

In a last note on dating, I think I’ve determined that at this point, kink is a necessity in my relationships. I’m enjoying myself too much for it not to be. I’d scale it back for the right person, but I like attending classes and workshops, and seeing my kinky friends, going to parties, etc. It’s fun. It lets me explore. As a result, next time I see vanilla date dude, I’m going to need to clarify some shit. Hopefully that will go smoothly.

I’ve also been thinking a lot more about polyamory lately. I really just don’t know how I feel about it. On many levels, I’m fine with people loving as they want, and all that jazz. On other levels, I want to be the priority, the primary. I want to be special and different – yes, more important – than the other people my partner may play with. I wish I was a less possessive person, but honestly, after my childhood that had long periods of emotional neglect, I’m admittedly more insecure. I can trust someone not to physically harm me relatively quickly, but to trust someone enough to believe they aren’t going to take advantage of/betray my trust, well, that takes a lot more effort.

I did promise some more details about Fusion in an earlier post, so I can delve a bit more in depth here. One of the things I did that was new for me was make out with a girl. I love kissing, but I’ve kissed more bad kissers than good ones (note: eating my face is not hot). This woman in particular was a great kisser, and it was definitely different than with a guy – softer, and somehow easier to be agressive. Another experience for me was masturbating around other people. I got myself off in a group setting – two other women were masturbating, another was watching, and two men were watching/participating in various fashions. It was late, dark, a little chilly and damp. It was also really hot. I’ve never watched porn, really, but watching people in real life is sexy. It’s been nice to branch out a bit and be more open to playing sexually in public. The next day, I did a heavy S/m scene in the dungeon in just my panties, which was a new level of exposure for me as well. (I also hit subspace harder than I think I ever have, which was kind of awesome. I came from this guy punching my ass…yes, in some conditions, I’m most definitely a pain slut.)

Since Fusion, I’ve been able to play a bit more with rope which has been fun. I did a scene that was a lot rougher and included rope, which was uber-hot. I hit subspace from that as well, which is always a bit strange. I get in this headspace where I really would do anything or take anything, I think, if it pleased the person I was playing with. Everything becomes pleasurable and I can’t even think. And then I climax, and proceed to shake for about an hour or two with aftershocks.

To sum this up on yet another unrelated note, I think I may write another erotic story soon. I had some inspiration about the potential for a drive-in movie or road trip. Basically,  I have an idea for how to be bound in a particular way inside a car, and then combine that with some good ol’ orgasm denial and teasing with some minor exhibitionism. On the one hand, I feel like my short erotic stories all have the same themes and thus are boring, but if I add more character depth I end up writing way too much. I need to find some form of balance.

6/25

I’ll do a full update on life and a bunch of other stuff, but in the meantime…It was a great weekend!

Storm almost killjoyed the whole thing, but made it into camp on Saturday morning. Took many rope classes, played with electricity, rope, and pain at varying times, and had an overall fantabulous time. Main highlights – I made out with a girl, made myself climax with a few others doing the same thing (what’s the girl name for a circle jerk?), danced sluttily, and got beaten so hard I came (multiple times…pain slut, much? Methinks yes.).

I learned a lot about myself, but the one thing I remembered most today: it is nearly impossible for me to voluntarily keep my legs still when I’m experiencing intense pain or pleasure. My thighs are incredibly sore from being punished for my inability to keep them from contorting. I may not always scream, but I do contort. <– I think this is part of why bondage appeals. The unavoidable struggle when I’m turned on just reinforces my helplessness and gets me off more. I did like the verbal command/predicament though…the hint at deeper domination was really hot.

Otherwise, on to a busy week of catching up with people and getting my shit together. Oh, and figuring out WTF to do with vanilla guy. I have a good time hanging out with him…which blows. Because really, do I preemptively break it off, not say something and see what happens (knowing shit will hit the fan at some point), or just try to bring it up and see his thoughts? None of these options are good or easy! Damnit! After a weekend like Fusion, it’s just reinforced how much fun being kinky and open with it is.  I was more open than I ever have been with my sexuality, and I enjoyed that freedom.

Rope, bondage, experimentation, humor, and roughness/pain/domination are all core elements of my sexuality and what turns me on. I don’t know that I could be fully satisfied without it. That said, I haven’t really been in a vanilla relationship since being out in the kinky scene, so it could be possible. I just really don’t want to lead this person on, but I’m interested and very hesitant both at the same time and I don’t know how to communicate that hesitancy without outing myself. Ick. It’s much easier to date kinky men, and it makes me want to horridly blow this guy off with no explanation and run away from the situation altogether to find a kinky person instead, but I just couldn’t do that to someone. I don’t think it’s fair not to explain the real reasoning, and I’m not sure how much of that desire is a deeper fear of commitment making me self-sabotage. God, romance and crap is difficult.

4/30

After a great weekend, my emo attitude from last week is almost entirely gone. Amazing what friends, dancing, and pain can do for a girl!

First off, I bought some lingerie a little over a week ago. Some of it was too big (perils of buying online and being curvy), but the stockings and garter set fit perfectly. This weekend was my first chance to wear them, and it was great. Somehow wearing thigh-high stockings with garters makes me feel incredibly alluring and sexy. It’s also a great reminder of femininity.

In general, going to this month’s Rapture event really amped up my mood. I was able to try a bunch of things for the first time, I met some new people, and I got to hang out with some really good friends. Since I live across the city, I don’t see these folks as much as I’d like. I forgot how much I enjoy their company. I really appreciate being able to be myself without any judgement. One benefit of moving this month will be being closer to these folks, enabling us to hang out more.

Now, for the things I tried. I actually tied someone else up all by myself! I did a chest harness and hogtied my friend, and then her boyfriend stepped in and did knife play on her. I was able to get it all to stay and she couldn’t get out, which was awesome. It was kind of strange because when I finished I realized there were a bunch of people watching me. I didn’t ever think I’d enjoy being the one doing the tying, but I did. I think it was primarily because I could joke with my friend, and try out the things I wish I could have done to me.

That experience is one more step along my journey of admitting my internal switchy-ness. I was thinking about this on my commute this morning, and how I enjoy teasing people and messing with them a bit. I like turning the tables every now and then (or trying to). For rope, I just love everything about it, and it’s fun.

Another new thing for me was experimenting a bit deeper with breath play. It still frightens me, and the only reason I was willing to go there was because this person is truly an expert. Breath play doesn’t have to involve smothering or being choked out, but can include general moderation of the way in which you breath. Really, it was mainly a mindfuck – he wasn’t cutting off my air, but his hand around my throat made me think he was so I would stop breathing. It intensified the other sensations we were experimenting with, and I surprised myself by enjoying it.

I also worked up the nerve to try needle play. This one was a biggie for me. It was kind of funny, I was watching my friend do a pretty intense needle play scene from a distance, and someone caught my expressions. (I have a horrible poker face.) Apparently, I looked confused and somewhat upset by the scene. I admitted that needles squick me out – something about going in and out of the skin just freaks me out. Logically, I knew it probably didn’t hurt that badly, but still. Despite my fear and uncertainty, I really like to try things before I judge them, and this person offered to let me try it. Crazy enough, I actually enjoyed it. On my arm, I didn’t even really feel the needle at all. Same on my thigh. On my back, however, it hurt quite a bit more. I don’t know what it is, but that type of pain immediately sent me on an endorphin high, and I came pretty close to getting off on it (and there were just 3 needles). I should’ve suspected I’d like it, given my propensity for playing with thumbtacks. It’s not something I can do to myself because of the squicky factor, but I enjoyed doing it with someone else.

I was comparing needles to cutting in my mind, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I’ve written before on the cutting scene I did and how it really messed with my mind. It’s basically too edgy for me. Needles, though, while still being edgier (and considered more extreme by many BDSM players), are far less dangerous. As long as you avoid veins, your many layers of skin can pretty much handle being pricked without much danger. If you use small needles, than there’s not a lot of blood, few (if any) lasting marks, and yet you can still get endorphins and pain/release. Anyhow, I definitely surprised the hell out of myself for enjoying it.

Lastly, I also did some rough body play for the first time. This has actually left some marks, which rarely happens, so that’s kind of interesting. I had a lot of fun with it, particularly because it involves a lot more physical contact, intimacy, and reinforces the physical overpowerment that I enjoy.

Overall, the evening revisited my exploration of pain quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, and generally helped me release some of my frustration from school and life. I’m still not comfortable with masochism, especially as I can enjoy and tolerate relatively heavy amounts of pain, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I rationalize things because I enjoy them, they’re consensual, and they don’t cause lasting harm. Despite that, my discomfort comes from the associations with self-harm and that it really doesn’t scream “I’m a healthy, sane person” when you enjoy someone beating up on you or jabbing you with needles. In many ways I love being unique, but I’m not fully comfortable being downright edgy either.  Since I went a few months without any type of intense/edgy pain, I know it isn’t necessarily a need I have, but it is something I can enjoy quite a bit. That makes me feel a bit better about it, but I’m still not sure the role my masochism will (or should) have in future relationships.