5/26

Left the Crucible bloody, bruised, sore, and nearly broken; had a nonconsensual interaction with a set of stairs. This morning I was barely able to move because of the pain. I popped some ibuprofen, which has helped make walking easier, but the timing for this couldn’t be worse. I need all my facilites on board for this move.

Went to College Night last night, which was good. I still had all my usual pre-event anxiety, but it was good to get out and meet new people. I’m still attracted to engineering types, apparently. I’m also still a pretty intense pain slut. I really love rough body play. I like the intimacy with the person hurting me and the pure strength and surrender. It’s a type of pain that is easier for me to endure, but it still pushes my limits.

My roommates have vanished, and neither one took care of their trash and crap. I’m getting kind of sick of this. I mean, really, how hard is it to take responsibility for your own mess? If it’s YOUR furniture, deal with it! If your cat ruined the carpets, pay for the replacement and/or cleaning. Moreover, if you have someone moving in with you, wait to decide on decor until you’re all present, and leave room for their furnishings too. It’s everyone’s home, not just one roommate’s. I can’t wait to have my own place.

4/30

After a great weekend, my emo attitude from last week is almost entirely gone. Amazing what friends, dancing, and pain can do for a girl!

First off, I bought some lingerie a little over a week ago. Some of it was too big (perils of buying online and being curvy), but the stockings and garter set fit perfectly. This weekend was my first chance to wear them, and it was great. Somehow wearing thigh-high stockings with garters makes me feel incredibly alluring and sexy. It’s also a great reminder of femininity.

In general, going to this month’s Rapture event really amped up my mood. I was able to try a bunch of things for the first time, I met some new people, and I got to hang out with some really good friends. Since I live across the city, I don’t see these folks as much as I’d like. I forgot how much I enjoy their company. I really appreciate being able to be myself without any judgement. One benefit of moving this month will be being closer to these folks, enabling us to hang out more.

Now, for the things I tried. I actually tied someone else up all by myself! I did a chest harness and hogtied my friend, and then her boyfriend stepped in and did knife play on her. I was able to get it all to stay and she couldn’t get out, which was awesome. It was kind of strange because when I finished I realized there were a bunch of people watching me. I didn’t ever think I’d enjoy being the one doing the tying, but I did. I think it was primarily because I could joke with my friend, and try out the things I wish I could have done to me.

That experience is one more step along my journey of admitting my internal switchy-ness. I was thinking about this on my commute this morning, and how I enjoy teasing people and messing with them a bit. I like turning the tables every now and then (or trying to). For rope, I just love everything about it, and it’s fun.

Another new thing for me was experimenting a bit deeper with breath play. It still frightens me, and the only reason I was willing to go there was because this person is truly an expert. Breath play doesn’t have to involve smothering or being choked out, but can include general moderation of the way in which you breath. Really, it was mainly a mindfuck – he wasn’t cutting off my air, but his hand around my throat made me think he was so I would stop breathing. It intensified the other sensations we were experimenting with, and I surprised myself by enjoying it.

I also worked up the nerve to try needle play. This one was a biggie for me. It was kind of funny, I was watching my friend do a pretty intense needle play scene from a distance, and someone caught my expressions. (I have a horrible poker face.) Apparently, I looked confused and somewhat upset by the scene. I admitted that needles squick me out – something about going in and out of the skin just freaks me out. Logically, I knew it probably didn’t hurt that badly, but still. Despite my fear and uncertainty, I really like to try things before I judge them, and this person offered to let me try it. Crazy enough, I actually enjoyed it. On my arm, I didn’t even really feel the needle at all. Same on my thigh. On my back, however, it hurt quite a bit more. I don’t know what it is, but that type of pain immediately sent me on an endorphin high, and I came pretty close to getting off on it (and there were just 3 needles). I should’ve suspected I’d like it, given my propensity for playing with thumbtacks. It’s not something I can do to myself because of the squicky factor, but I enjoyed doing it with someone else.

I was comparing needles to cutting in my mind, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I’ve written before on the cutting scene I did and how it really messed with my mind. It’s basically too edgy for me. Needles, though, while still being edgier (and considered more extreme by many BDSM players), are far less dangerous. As long as you avoid veins, your many layers of skin can pretty much handle being pricked without much danger. If you use small needles, than there’s not a lot of blood, few (if any) lasting marks, and yet you can still get endorphins and pain/release. Anyhow, I definitely surprised the hell out of myself for enjoying it.

Lastly, I also did some rough body play for the first time. This has actually left some marks, which rarely happens, so that’s kind of interesting. I had a lot of fun with it, particularly because it involves a lot more physical contact, intimacy, and reinforces the physical overpowerment that I enjoy.

Overall, the evening revisited my exploration of pain quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, and generally helped me release some of my frustration from school and life. I’m still not comfortable with masochism, especially as I can enjoy and tolerate relatively heavy amounts of pain, but I’m trying to just roll with it. I rationalize things because I enjoy them, they’re consensual, and they don’t cause lasting harm. Despite that, my discomfort comes from the associations with self-harm and that it really doesn’t scream “I’m a healthy, sane person” when you enjoy someone beating up on you or jabbing you with needles. In many ways I love being unique, but I’m not fully comfortable being downright edgy either.  Since I went a few months without any type of intense/edgy pain, I know it isn’t necessarily a need I have, but it is something I can enjoy quite a bit. That makes me feel a bit better about it, but I’m still not sure the role my masochism will (or should) have in future relationships.

GrUE Pitt & Life

So, where to begin? Have I mentioned time is FLYING by? I mean, seriously, I move in less than a month. This is an unintentionally long post, since it’s been a while and a lot is going on. I like to process in this blog, and this helps me reflect on things as time passes. I guess that’s just like another disclaimer that I write this for me and not anyone else, so if it is tedious that is why.

Some randoms: we were able to switch our lease so that we don’t have to pay rent until May 5, which is awesome :). I aced my management science midterm. I cleaned my apartment (which was very necessary). It was CMU’s carnival this weekend and I got to go on lots of fun midway rides.

The big thing I did this weekend = GrUE Pitt. This was my first ever kink conference, or educational kink experience. I really had NO IDEA what to expect. I actually volunteered my apartment for a girl who came in from DC – I figured it’d be helpful to meet someone in the DC scene for when I move, she’s my age, and I also figured if I were traveling I’d love a free space to crash. I had a moment or two when I questioned my decision, since I really had no idea who this person was, but it ended up a good decision as she was super nice and friendly.

The (un)conference was on Saturday. First off, I really enjoy the idea of an unconference, kink or no-kink. I think it greatly contributes to a creative vibe. I was able to attend a lot of interesting presentations. I went to one on pressure points, one on suspension, a roundtable on humiliation, a conversation on interrogation, and one on rough body play. Beyond some talk at munches, I’ve never really gotten to talk about my kink before, and I really appreciated the opportunity to do so. More than anything, I appreciated the chance to listen to others.

I was a bit worried at first that as a submissive and as a single person I wouldn’t get much out of this experience, or I’d be out of place. That was entirely wrong. People in Pittsburgh are so incredible, and I felt very welcomed. I was able to really just be myself all day, and it finally got to the point where I feel like some members of the community are good friends rather than intimidating strangers. I was also able to hear different perspectives on things I’ve been struggling to understand. Hearing people talk about and be accepting of their own masochism or desires to humiliate/be humiliated is totally different than reading it on a Fetlife discussion board.

For me, as I’ve mentioned before (I believe), humiliation is such a complex issue. I find the feeling of being flustered very erotic, but degradation makes me want to hurl and cry. Some humiliation, like mild objectification, fall in between. I worry a little about what I’d be willing to do in the name of pleasing and serving my Dom, but then how I’d feel about it afterward. I also struggle with the concept that a Dom could humiliate me and yet still respect me. Hearing Dominant folk talk about it from their end, about how it is about identifying it as a select moment in time, only doing it once in a great while, the trust involved, and the aftercare necessary kind of built my faith in myself and the potential for such play. I think that it is something I need to wait on, at least until I find the right person, but there is potential. As an aside, it’s almost comical how easily embarrassed I am – I was embarrassed/blushing just talking about humiliation. Ironic, really.

Pressure points was an awesome demo as well. It’s crazy how pushing one simple spot causes so much pain. Since I like pain, this is good. It’s an easy way for a Dom to gain the upper hand.

Another thing I learned throughout the day is that limits are ever changing, need to be discussed, and are never an end-all. A discussion on limits should not be the only discussion; more importantly, one should talk about uncertainties, desires, and fears. Also, a Dom should make certain to test the waters before introducing something entirely off the wall, because sometimes a sub doesn’t realize something is a possibility and thus doesn’t acknowledge it as a limit. IE : cutting my hair, burning off my eyebrows, insects, etc.

After the unConference part, there was play time. I was able to play with some coconut rope, which was awesome. I watched a man and a woman grapple for 2 hours nonstop, which was wicked crazy and kind of frightening; I’m not big on violence (again, ironic I know). I felt some fireplay in my hand, quickly, but still cool. I also met another man in the DC scene who explained a bit about different events, which was nice.

After that play, there was another party with even MORE play (yay!). I loved being able to hang out with people in such a relaxed environment. House parties are so much more my comfort zone than bars. I was actually able to ask for what I wanted (with the reassurance of a friend first) and got a nice flogging. I probably could have taken more, but the dynamic was a bit different since there were people watching and it was someone else’s Dom. I guess I kind of felt like he was doing me a favor, so I didn’t want to make him go on for too long (my pain tolerance is high), so when it got pretty painful I stopped it rather than pushing through. I feel guilty sometimes because I sense that Doms expect a sub to go into space or make lots of noise really quickly, and it takes longer for me. I don’t want them to do more just for me. I think because I asked, rather than was offered, I also felt a little like it was being done for me rather than for him, which reinforced the guilt thing. I don’t know, that was odd, but despite that the flogging was awesome and settled me down quite a bit. Pain is yet another way to focus me.

I then was able to talk to a Dom who does a lot with electricity and rope. I got my own personal mini-demo on violet wands (which are really freaking cool), and I got to be tied up in a nice, tight chest harness. A lot of times rope isn’t done prettily, or that tight, and I love it tight, pretty, and entirely constraining. This wasn’t constraining, but I’ll take what I can get. I wore the harness all night actually, and had to cut it off in the morning. It was just cheap nylon, but I still hated cutting it off. I would have worn it for days if I could hide it.

I had a rough time for a little bit in the day struggling with wanting to play and who to ask, working up the nerve to ask, etc. I was able to get past that a bit by the end of the night, but it was still a little difficult. In general, I’ve been feeling my lack of a Dom and of a boyfriend these days. Two of my closest friends just started dating guys seriously, and while I am genuinely, utterly happy for them, it still reinforces my own single-dom. It’d be super nice to end a kinky evening with hot sex and cuddling, you know? It isn’t something I’m crying over, but there are occasional twinges.

Sunday there were free pancakes, which were delicious. Then I went to see the Disney concert at the Pittsburgh symphony, which was good. Today I saw the movie Soul Surfer, and it just motivated me. If a girl can have her arm chomped off by a shark and immediately compete in surfing championships (and place), I can conquer my workload and get my shit together.