Discipline: I lack it.

I lack it.

Don’t get me wrong, I get shit done. I know very well how to accomplish things, and I am good at achieving the goals I’ve set (even if it takes dogged persistence to get there). That said, when it comes to exceeding my goals, I often fall short.

I have a very rigid set of standards for myself. In addition to that, I have a level of success I want to achieve in order to maximize my happiness. I am good at achieving the latter, but not always the former. For example, I know I want to make Dean’s List or Honor Roll and I do so, but I get the minimum grade necessary to do so. The standard would be to get a 4.0.  Often, I prioritize happiness or fun over reaching certain ideals as long as I’ve achieved a certain level of success.

This trend is carrying over into life, and it worries me in terms of long-term happiness. I’m doing well at work, with family, with friends, etc. I’m living my life and I’m not unhappy with things. That said, I could (and should) be working out regularly, planning meals more regularly, reading more, maintaining better contact with loved ones, spending less money, and spending more time at home. Basically, I need to prioritize taking care of and bettering myself over fun sometimes…and I lack the discipline to do so. Not doing so isn’t penalizing me (I have enough money, no one is mad at me, I’m eating meals, I’m healthy)…but it is in the long run. My health won’t last forever, and it would serve me to have more money saved. I’d be more focused and less stressed were I to spend more time at home.

A lot of my lack of discipline comes from not wanting to do things alone or not wanting to say no to things. I want to spend time with my friends living life to the fullest. That’s not a crime, but I need to feel more empowered by taking care of myself.

Often, I long for a Dominant because I’d love to entrust someone to keep me accountable. Friends keep me accountable sometimes, but not always. The size of this city doesn’t really help out in that – it’s hard to have a gym buddy when potential ones live 30 minutes away. I don’t want someone to create goals for me and hold me to them, train me to be a different person…but someone assisting in behavior modification at my initiative to help me achieve my goals – that’d be awesome.

Anyhow, I will say that at the very least I have two routines in my life. I have few routines normally, other than going to work. Seriously – I haven’t had routines in forever. For the last several months, however, I’ve spent every Sunday night with my roommate watching Game of Thrones and every Tuesday night potlucking and playing games with two other friends (Settlers of Catan, Kingdom Builders, and Dominion are our frequent games). It may seem minor, but this consistency has done wonders for my life and sense of self.

Moral of this story: I need a meal planning routine and a workout routine.

Day 12, 30 Days of Me

Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.

Snark moment – in my current life? As opposed to my past or future lives? WTF?

So, a typical day. Clearly, this depends on the season and whether or not it is a weekend or a weekday. Since the majority are weekdays…

A typical day begins at 7:05, when the first of four alarms goes off on my phone. I turn it off or sleep through it. Repeat this until I drag my ass out of bed at around 8:10, when I hurry to take a quick shower. I put on the clothes I laid out the night before, grab my stuff (sometimes lunch/breakfast I prepared the night before), and walk to work. I start work at 9am. Really, it’s a miracle I live 10 minutes from work, otherwise this would never work. Sometimes I stop and grab a mocha, chai, tea, or something before work – I try to limit this.

If I bought a beverage, I usually end up not eating breakfast, otherwise I eat at my desk when I get into work. I check work and personal emails. I read the news – CNN, yahoo, and my google reader. I usually don’t make it through my google reader. If I know my schedule allows for procrastination, I’ll read articles, send funny ones along to friends, etc. I usually meet with my direct supervisor for 30 minutes to an hour to let him know what needs to be done for the day/project. I then work diligently, pausing at lunchtime to heat/grab lunch and eat it at my desk. Rarely but sometimes, I grab lunch with a coworker and actually take my lunch break. Sometimes my work day includes meetings with our senior manager, our methodologist, interviews with the agency we’re auditing, or a training of some sort. Lately, it’s included lots of CFC events since I’m our key worker. (Which, btw, I rocked at – I led our division to contributing well over 60% of our agency’s goal.)

After work, about one – maybe two – nights a week I’ll go home and stay in. On those nights, I make dinner, watch TV, catch up on job applications and emails, do laundry, etc. Sometimes I hit up a kinky happy hour or class. Other nights I grab dinner/drinks with a friend or date; I feel like my life in DC consists of constantly trying to “catch up” with people. I will say that evening plans are a luxury of late; I’ve been working extremely late these days, and so have been at work until 8, 9, 11pm which means none of this is relevant.

Weekends usually involve sleeping in, then putting off and maybe actually running errands. I’ll usually for at least one night or day go to a kinky party, class, or hang out with friends from the kinky world doing kinky or nonkinky things. Another night is usually spent either with a date or my vanilla friends, either at the movies, play games, at a bar, etc.

Generally, I’m the type of person who plans in advance. I usually know plans several days out, and I semi-obsessively update my google calendar to reflect things. I leave some flexibility so that I can be spontaneous or plan some things last minute, but if people really want to hang out the best bet is to let me know the week or a couple of days before.

7/31 Rapture! (And growing up.)

Rapture was this past weekend, and I had a blast as usual. It took a bit of jager and some hip hop, but I let loose and danced for about an hour.  My general whiteness, prudishness, and pudginess keep people from thinking I can dance, but I can bust a move. I was blessed with good rhythm, took dance classes when I was young, and did choreographed competitive routines in high school. (Plus, all people from my area of the Midwest dance like they do in Detroit. Our high school dances were all bump-and-grind, at least until chaperones forcibly stopped us.)  So, I danced! I danced with women, I danced with men, I gave lap dances – all in a corset! Predictably, the next morning my thighs were incredibly sore from dropping it like it was hot.

I also played again with needles…and I climaxed just from that. Talk about endorphins! It still amazes me that I can react that way to pain, let alone to needles. I hate needles! They scare me, puncturing skin squicks me out, and I don’t like blood. Throughout play, I’m squeezing someone’s hand or a table with a death grip, and I squeak a bit, but it also sends all sorts of tingly messages elsewhere in my body. Plus, with the gauge of needle we used, there were no marks and no real lingering soreness, making it far too simple to use this is a way to fill my occasional pain cravings. 

Otherwise, as I alluded to a bit ago, I ended things with vanilla guy (finally). I may have gotten a tad over-anxious in the lead-up to that…I definitely used friends and google as resources. I eventually ended up with something about how it was missing the connection I was seeking in a longer-term partner. While true, it still kind of sucked. Thankfully, he was really civil and nice about the whole thing, and I’m proud of myself for growing up, owning my feelings, and not wasting his or my time.

Honestly though, it’s amazing to me how you can get along with someone so well yet still not necessarily feel any sexual attraction to them. It’s even harder to comprehend sometimes how one person can feel something strongly when another doesn’t. I feel like it’s so rare to find someone you mesh with on all levels, including sexually, and to have both people acknowledge it and be ready and able to develop a relationship. Those who have found that, treasure it.

As part of the ‘nilla “break-up,” I caught up with my vanilla BFF who always has this incredible knack of putting my life in perspective. She’s the strongest Christian I know, and yet she’s also the one who knows the most details about my kinky interactions. She’s amazing. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. I tend to look after her like a big sister.  I’ve been kind of on-edge since a few weeks before graduation, stuck in this go-go-go cycle. Basically, my irrational, unfounded fear of not having plans or friends post-grad resulted in me fostering so many relationships that now I’m overwhelmed with plans.

Basically, my fear of being alone left me with no time to be alone, and now I’m craving that alone time. It’s twisted. I genuinely like my varied friend groups, I have fun with them, and I want to hang out with them. Thing is, I have my grad school folks and my kinky folks, kinky events and dating, and then the “catch-up” and “new” people. Fake sister pointed out that if I haven’t seen someone in months or years, they can wait a while longer if it means I have more time to myself. Valid point.

Essentially, I need to prioritize getting my shit together, and start establishing a routine. I need to formalize a laundry day and grocery day, make lunches in advance, and fit in time for the gym (maybe overlap it with catching up on favorite shows?) on top of my social life. I’ve been prioritizing the social life, which while fun, ends up draining energy and making me feel anxious for missing the rest of things…plus it’s costly and not always healthiest.