25 Things About my Sexuality

1 year update found here: https://inquisitiveexplorer.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/25-things-about-my-sexuality-revisited/.

Many of my fetlife friends have been posting these. The trend is based on this website: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I don’t have the nerve to post my 25 things quite so publicly (on fetlife), but here’s mine.

  1. I’m a masochist. I love pain. I love way it makes me shudder, scream, and sometimes cry. I love how it gives me a reason to fight and struggle, yet simultaneously can guarantee my surrender. I like submitting to it, I like knowing someone is getting off on inflicting it. I also have a really high pain tolerance. Don’t be afraid to hurt me – I can take it, and if it gets to be too much, I’ll say so.
  2. I’m afraid of my own masochism. Despite all the things I just mentioned that I love, I’m afraid that my masochistic desires will prevent me from finding a relationship that will satisfy me. I’m afraid I’ll put my trust in the wrong person and end up hurt in the bad way. I feel somehow partially damaged for desiring, craving, and enjoying pain.
  3. I find it difficult to vocalize my feelings, from emotions to screaming from pain, it’s all hard for me, even more so in public play scenarios. In private, if I feel comfortable with you, I will make an effort to relax and let sounds happen. In public, I tend to withdraw vocally and it takes a bit to make me make noise. I’ve been told my non-verbal cues are explicit enough to make up for it, but others have been frustrated or disconcerted if I don’t scream from what some would consider heavy pain.
  4. If I start uncontrollably shuddering during play, almost 99% of the time it is a good thing. Usually, this happens after an intense amount of pain, although rope and other things with certain people evoke it as well. This reaction internally resembles something like aftershocks of a climax, and can be prolonged for hours. There may or may not be accompanying sexual arousal, but even without it, it’s still physically and mentally very satisfying for me.
  5. I can slip into subspace, but loud background noise gets in the way. I love feeling spacey and sated, especially when it’s combined with the aforementioned shuddering.
  6. I love pushing my limits. I’m pretty stubborn, and I enjoy seeing how much I can take. If it’s bondage, I like seeing how long I can stay in a position, or how much I can contort myself into a new one, etc. I tend to have more difficulty finding people who can push me to my limit. I love nothing more than playing with someone who is willing to challenge me, especially if their will is stronger than mine.
  7. With that, I will safeword if I need to but it is difficult for me. When I combine my own stubbornness with my innate desire to please, it gets hard to stop something.  If I’m petrified or freaking out or something and my Top doesn’t notice, I will bring it up, and if I don’t feel comfortable enough to do so then I shouldn’t be playing with that person.
  8. Realistically, I think most of the times that I’ve safeworded have been out of concern or fear that the Top playing with me was tired, sick of playing, etc, not out of need on my end.  I worry a lot about pain play or bondage being too focused on me, thus being work for the other person. It helps me a lot to hear whether or not my partner is enjoying himself. It also helps if I know in particular that the person enjoys whatever we’re doing – rope play with a rigger, pain play with someone who considers himself a sadist, etc.
  9. I love to write, and have written erotica for many years. None of it is nonfiction, but certain individuals have at times been the catalyst to my writing something down. I always appreciate feedback and interesting ideas. Someday, I might go on and write an erotic romance novel, but I need spare time first.
  10. I find comfort, relief, and pleasure in consistency, rules, etiquette, and protocol. Simultaneously, the intensity, extremity, and commitment of those things scares me and puts me off quite a bit. I haven’t figured out a good balance yet. This is a large part of what drives my rare submission, but also is a lot of what scares me about a D/s relationship.
  11. I have a love/hate relationship with light humiliation, in terms of being flustered or embarrassed. I like being made to blush. It doesn’t take much to get me to that point either – talking about sex, teasing, etc. does it quickly. I like the dynamic that type of teasing creates, and I like (and hate) the level of vulnerability that type of interaction fosters.
  12. I was raised Catholic and grew up with a Mormon best friend. I don’t attend services, but I do believe in and have a relationship with God. I don’t think sex should only be after marriage, but I do take issue with having NSA hookups, one night stands, or casual sex (defined in this case as intercourse) without some form of commitment/ongoing dynamic.
  13. I love and adore bondage, but rope bondage more than anything. I love the experience of being bound and the intimacy and sensuality that can be shared. I like the feeling of complete helplessness. I like testing my flexibility, struggling, and not being able to escape. I love the feeling of rope on my skin, the scent of jute, the bite of the binding. I enjoy bondage sexually – it definitely pushes my buttons – but I can also enjoy it as a mental release. I find safety and security in the bindings, and it does things for my stress level and mental state that I bet would rival therapy.
  14. I try to be very open minded, but at heart, sometimes I’m a conservative Indiana girl. I don’t know how to handle polyamory, queer identities, sex in public, and other things sometimes. I can get really awkward, and I don’t know the proper way to interact. Please don’t take this to mean that I am disproving, judging, or in any way responding negatively if you fall into these categories. If you tell me how to act or set the tone, I’ll do my absolute best to match it as quickly as possible. It’s just a hard to manage “I’ve never dealt with this, what do I do?!” reaction.
  15. I have horrible difficulty asking for what I want, including asking people to tie me up and/or hurt me, directing them to best please me, voicing my desires, etc.  I appreciate it when my partners make me talk about things, even when it’s embarrassing and hard for me (in fact, as mentioned above, sometimes the forced vocalization and resulting embarrassment can be arousing in and of itself). I blush, stammer, hide, etc. sometimes, and it’s better when people push me into vocalizing. On this same note, I find initiating contact with potential play partners extremely difficult, and greatly appreciate initiative in a partner.
  16. I’m not extremely sexually experienced. I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t had many sexual partners. In fact, I’ve done kinky things more than I’ve done certain sexual things.  I have a healthy sex drive, but as points above indicate, I’m not overly promiscuous.
  17. I find everything about hidden control in public to be incredibly arousing. Remote controlled vibrators, hidden rope harnesses, sneaky bites or pinches, very discreet play in a dark semi-private space – all of these things push my buttons like none other. That said, I highly value privacy and propriety, and have to trust that my partner will protect my reputation.
  18. I love to dance, and at different points in my life I’ve taken tap, ballet, hip hop, swing, tango, salsa, and broadway dance classes (some for much longer than others). Jazz/broadway style and hip hop are where most of my background lies. This is most relevant sexually in terms of my flexibility, which tends to surprise people a bit. I find ballroom dancing especially to be a great manifestation of power control, and a man who can spin me around a dance floor or keep up at a club is a whole different type of sexy.
  19.  I had a traumatic childhood experience with inter-female sexuality, and as a result I’m very, very hesitant to do anything sexual with a girl. I’ve loosened up on this a bit more over the last year, and am more open to playing in a kinky way with a female – especially as part of a couple who is topping me – but it’s still an often uncomfortable zone for me.
  20. Orgasms are strange for me. I can have a “mini” climax rather easily, but I’ve only had more intense orgasms a few times. Climaxes and shuddering from pain are their own separate category of pleasure. Too frequently, I get performance anxiety, especially in public play scenarios.
  21. I love to cuddle! I adore hugs and snuggling, and once you’ve welcomed it I’ll forever be happy to be a cuddle buddy. These feelings are amplified tenfold after a scene.
  22. More than I ever thought I would, I like edge play. The bite of fear thrills me. My reaction to fear scares me sometimes, but I do enjoy it. I’m curious about takedowns, kidnapping things, etc. (but only with role play).
  23. I’m entirely too curious for my own good. My curiosity has led me to try things I would never have considered, and usually I’m a “try it once before ruling it out” kind of person. There are many things that are going to take a lot of time, finding the right person, the right level of trust, etc. to do, but there are few things that I would rule out forever.
  24. I enjoy a dynamic where my partner is amused by my antics. I am very easily amused, and humor is important to me even during play. I enjoy it when my partner is also amused or is amused by my amusement, if that makes sense. That knowing, slightly condescending, stern look touched with humor can get me every time. Enjoying this dynamic is a large part of why I usually play with and date men who are older than myself. I’m not opposed to a younger guy, but I’ve yet to feel that same dynamic with a younger man. I will point out here, though, that there is a fine line, and if the condescension steps across it I become incredibly snarky and pissed off.
  25. I’m driven by my desire to make those around me happy. I vigilantly strive to please people. This drives my more submissive side. My snarky, independent side has spawned a switch-y being who may emerge at some point in the future, but it would definitely be more of a service top thing.
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Too much time…

Applied to jobs, caught up on TV, took my car in and found out I can’t do anything about it until next weekend, played with the kitten, shopped online…

I haven’t had this much free time in 6 months, and I don’t really know how to handle it.

*edit*

So, I decided to play with rope, because, well, why not? I’m a pretty decent rigger for a bottom, if I do say so myself. I successfully tied a chest harness and a crotch rope, then I bound my thighs and ankles and wound the rope around through the chest harness, laid down, and ta-DA, hogtie! I didn’t do anything with my hands because that’d be a bit too dangerous. I love restraint, especially when I can’t move at all. It gets me going faster than a lot of things, really.

Unfortunately, there’s only so much predicament and restriction one can do to oneself. Time to rejuvenate my search for a Sadistic rigger playmate.

Masochistic Ponderings

First off, stupid hurricane. I spent all day drinking and hanging out with friends with only minor rain in the background. (We watched The American President and The West Wing  – very DC.) They leave, and BOOM the rain and wind pick up hardcore. I’m really not a fan of storms (too many tornados and bad loud noises in my life), and I wish this would’ve happened earlier. Now I’m just hoping our power is on tomorrow.

The main kink thing on my mind recently has been pain. This is a subject I frequently revisit because it constantly confuses me and in general is very mysterious. I originally went into my first kinky experiences thinking I would only like pain insomuch as it was a demonstration of my submission, a manifestation of the power exchange. Then, I played with pain several times, realized just how much I got off on it, played some more, and called myself a masochist.

Pain with power exchange is undeniably and incredibly sexy to me. That’s really the primary way I’ve experienced it, and by that alone, yes, I like pain.

I was using my clamps while playing around a bit the other day, though, and I realized that while yes, it still intensifies other feelings and sort of quickens up the arousal, my pain threshold is much, much lower and I enjoy it much less. Really, I’d get the same effect (if not a possibly stronger one) from just playing with my nipples without clamps for another 5-10 minutes. This begged the question, do I like the pain, really, or is it more than that?

I think I’ve come full circle to the realization that while pain with sex can be good and intensify the arousal, pain with power exchange trumps that, and pain with power exchange and sex trumps all. Pain with none of those things is a no-no on my part.

So, am I a masochist? I’m not sure. I enjoy pain primarily when I am being subjected to it by a Dominant man whom I trust and am attracted to in some way/shape/form. My pain threshold is partially dependent on trying to take more to please the person hurting me, on wanting to give up the control. My enjoyment is partially dependent on pleasing my Top with his subjugation of me through the distribution of pain, and on my Top’s enjoyment of providing said experience.

So, if I’m ever craving pain – which I do sometimes – I think I need to remind myself that I’m really just craving submission. I want to release control, and letting someone hurt me is a great way to do that. Bondage is another great way to do that, though pain is more of an emotional release, while bondage is more of a stabilization method. All are turn-ons, of course.

And the power is flickering even more… so off to bed I go.

To grandmother’s house we go…

In random stream of consciousness style…

Listening to my family bitch in a car all day is almost enough to turn me into a sadist. Just almost, though.

My new glasses prescription is surprisingly strong. I didn’t realize how dull things were with the old glasses. Plus, I’ve got the naughty secretary look down with my new frames.

Results came back, and I have no STDs, woohoo. My dad apparently has herpes, though. My mom can’t keep secrets.

My sister officially knows I’m on collarme and other kinky websites. Not so sure this is a good thing… she’s off getting high right now. We are soooo opposite.

I miss my nipple clamps. Is that bizarre?

On an ending note…why is it that I’m always most primed when I lack privacy? This happens too frequently for my comfort.

Rope is my happy place

I officially love jute – it’s the perfect amount of scratchy. Hemp is nice because it’s softer and so is more sensual, but the masochist in me enjoys struggling against the jute. Also, if I haven’t said it before, hogties and hair bondage are pretty much my favorite rope things, especially when it’s all tight and predicament-y.

Rope puts me in my happy place… seriously, I feel ridiculously calm and content. The lingering rope marks and soreness make me smile :).

I also very much appreciate creative tops that are inventive without my prompting. Being teased by a sadist is essentially BDSM flirting, only (in my opinion) way more enjoyable.

Pain, revisited

I’m a masochist.

There, I said it. (Clearly, this is not easy for me to do.)

I get off on receiving pain. I am turned on by the sadistic, evil gleam in your eye that tells me you are going to be relentless. I like knowing you have the power to torment me. When you’re rough with me, I feel more desired, more cherished, more wanted.

I can take a lot of pain and I don’t mark easily. I like being challenged, and I like seeing how much I can take before having to call uncle. I often take pain quietly, especially in public spaces.  Pain has always been a way for me to express myself in that moment, though I never caused any type of damage to myself. Even more, pain has been a way to focus myself.

I’ve enjoyed all of my kinky and/or sexual experiences with pain. I mean, it hurts, don’t get me wrong, but a second or two later, and I am enjoying a crazy endorphin rush – from both the act of surrender, the clear display of control, the evilness of it, and the endorphins from the pain itself.

…And yet, I’m scared of being a masochist. Mainly, I’m afraid that by saying I’m a masochist, my partner will feel like I want more pain than really do. I’m afraid it gives a man permission to hurt me, even if I don’t want him to. I’m afraid it will go too far, it will be too dangerous, or if I stop enjoying it or don’t enjoy it than I will be disappointing my partner. I’m worried about being the freakiest of the freaky people. I don’t want to like, I don’t want to enjoy it or desire it happening.

I don’t know how much I *need* pain. I am afraid that being a masochist means I won’t be able to be in a relationship without pain involved.

I’m not certain about any of this. I’m not positive about my reactions to all types of pain, or different levels of it, or it in different situations. I am learning, I am exploring. I only hope that as my exploration continues, I learn more about myself and my limits. If I was more positive on what I could handle, and I was able to vocalize it better, I think I’d be more confident saying I’m a masochist. I have to be more careful about who I trust to hurt me or restrain me. I have to be very prudent and safe.

Whatever else, this is a step forward for me. I’m a masochist, and it isn’t the end of the world.