25 Things About My Sexuality, Revisited

Site based on: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I have the original one bookmarked places, but it is no longer entirely relevant. As such, here’s the one year update.

  1. I am a masochist. I can orgasm from pain alone, especially a spanking or pain to the nipples. I also find emotional release cathartically through pain.
  2. I enjoy inflicting pain on others so long as I am assured that they enjoy it. In fact, doing so can cause me some sadistic glee. That said, I’m still very new to this and it makes me nervous; I’m treading carefully down this path.
  3. I love rope – being tied in it, tying others in it. It can be sexual, sensual, calming, or fun.
  4. I’m submissive. I enjoy being able to defer to my romantic partner and trust him to take control. I enjoy serving him, focusing on his pleasure, and obeying him. I do not submit easily or frequently, but when I do I enjoy it quite a bit.
  5. I’m monogamish. I’m open to my partners playing with others, so long as it’s in public or I’m present, or in certain other discussed situations; there must be mutual consent and communication about everything.
  6. I adore teasing and denial and orgasm control. This is something I don’t play with casually, especially since it’s all power exchange and sex oriented, but it’s a huge fetish of mine. That said, I’m not interested in a permanent chastity/denial situation or even one that spans more than a couple of weeks. Being challenged and tormented is good, tortured and entirely deprived, not so much.
  7. The more public the scene, the more it takes for me to be vocal. I will shout, shriek, scream, or squeak if surprised or in great pain. I will make more noise the more I trust my partner and the more comfortable I am with my surroundings.
  8. In pleasure or in pain, my body clearly physically responds. I contort into bizarre positions, squeeze things, struggle, flail, bite, dig nails in, etc. Sometimes this results in unpredictable cramping if in certain forms of bondage or unintentionally kicking folks in the head, but for the most part it is more entertaining than an issue.
  9. When I’m enjoying myself, my body shakes and shivers. If you hit a sweet spot, that’s what happens. Teasing or biting my neck is the fastest way to get this reaction.
  10. I suffer from vaginismus. Benefit of this – I’m pretty incredibly tight and my orgasms are super intense. Main associated things: one night stands are out, foreplay is a must, and bigger is not always better.
  11. Ironically, given the previous issues with penetration, I actually climax hardest (and sometimes can’t climax without) with penetration. My g-spot is very easily accessible, and I have amazingly strong orgasms with penetration.
  12. I find the whole concept of “scenes” at parties and events a tad disconcerting. I’m more inclined to play with friends and romantic partners only. I want one or both partners to get off or at the very least experience obviously strong sexual reactions. If that isn’t happening, then there needs to be an educational component or a humorous one (having fun casually, so long as both people are having fun casually and not getting off on it is fine too).
  13. I don’t do well with performance pressure. I like to know expectations and exceed them. If my orgasm is the primary goal of a scene, the pressure to climax mentally blocks it from happening. If my partner wants me to scream, I get stubborn and over-aware of my vocal reactions and it’s less likely to happen.
  14. I like to try everything at least once, if not twice. There are some things I rule out now that I will likely try one day, and there are others that may never be tried if I don’t get over certain fears or squicks. Mostly, though, my curiosity leads me to want to see what things are like for myself before judging them.
  15. I write erotic fiction that I publish on literotica. It’s all fiction, usually fantasies I’ve had rolling around in my head that I wrote down on paper after meeting someone I could imagine in the role of the protagonist.
  16. I had a traumatic issue with a female at an early age. As a result, I’m very hesitant to explore sexual encounters with women. I occasionally am comfortable enough and like someone enough to experiment. I am not – at this point, at least – at all ok with delving below the waist on another female, and I tend to get uncomfortable with overt agressive sexual advances from women.
  17. I read a lot of erotic fiction and fantasize quite a bit, but I don’t watch porn. I’ve watched maybe 2-3 short clips ever, and one movie (pirates). I wouldn’t be opposed to watching some with a partner, maybe even acting it out, but I don’t have any desire to seek it out on my own.
  18. I am easily embarrassed and flustered, especially when it comes to talking dirty or about sexual things. I get very turned on when a man gets explicit with me, and I get hot being forced to vocalize, even if it’s nearly impossible for me to get words out. That said, I don’t like being called a cunt or whore – degradation doesn’t do it for me.
  19. I’m someone who follows the rules, is a minor neat-freak, and enjoys planning and logistics. Read into that what you will.
  20. I strongly dislike when people vocally insert themselves into my scenes/play. If you aren’t invited in ahead of time, don’t join in. The only exception is in specific party situations where everyone is sort of involved in everyone’s play intentionally, or if the insertion was by a more primary partner of mine who had implicit permission to interrupt.
  21. I have a bit of an oral fixation. I really enjoy giving head, and I get off on my partner getting off on that. I get turned on sucking on my partner’s dick. I can deep throat a decent amount, but I do have an active gag reflex. I do get a bit nervous the first time with a new partner, and I like/welcome tips and instructions from my partner. I also get very nervous about STDs, so the testing discussion or condoms need to be used first. Don’t think this interest means I give head to everyone, just that I do really enjoy it with my sexual partners.
  22. I prefer yellow-red safeword combinations, as I’m more of a yellow than red person. I need middle ground options.
  23. It takes hanging out with me several times, maybe around 5, before you can really start to capture my personality. It takes me equally as long to get a feel for someone else, too. That’s how long it takes to cement an initial feeling, lose or gain my trust (at least in basic things), determine attraction, and see if we enjoy one another’s company.
  24. I’m a midwestern girl, raised Catholic, with Mormon and born-again best friends at different points in my life. I am not an atheist, and I do believe in God. I have a high ethical and moral code. I’m relatively modest and a bit of a prude. Sex is never meaningless for me. With a friend or romantic interest, it means something to me and must mean something to my partner for it to work.
  25. I’m still learning proper ways to communicate, especially about my sexuality. As a result, I tend towards bluntness and over-sharing, because too much honesty is better than too little. I’m a tad awkward. You’ve been forewarned. Feel free to ask direct questions, I’ll always answer honestly and I prefer that type of communicative initiative. I am horrible at playing the typical games associated with dating. I’m working on it.

Link to the original list.

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Life is a mystery

Finally recovered from strep throat (as in, done with the 10 days of antibiotics, yay!). Now my boss is out recovering from surgery from appendicitis… Basically, we’re all falling apart.

Work is going very, very well. I’m proving myself rather quickly due to my excel skills, which is nice. I enjoy it a lot, although some days (like today) it gets a bit tedious, there’s not enough data, and people are a tad to0 introverted for my liking. I do like the independence the job offers, though, and usually there are pretty frequent interactions within teams, which keeps it interesting. I also greatly appreciate that keeping up on news and trainings is part of my job.

I had a freak out about hours and payroll last week, but it’s all resolved and good to go now. 31 hours/week…but I get paid soon! It’s going to be the biggest paycheck I’ve ever had. Being a grown up is nice.

I also got to feel kind of bad-ass this weekend. We had the first years from our program in town for this networking event and several workshops. I moderated a panel, got to catch up with some Pittsburgh friends, and then got asked a bunch of Qs on my job by the newbies. It was fun, because everyone really respects the agency I work at, and because I fully support the mission and love the job (and our curriculum matches it SO well, plus the subject matter can vary as long as the skills are there) I basically sold a ton of people on trying to work there. I’m a good recruiter…I might have to volunteer to do that once I graduate.

I attended Rapture, which was also a really good experience. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t subject to uncomfortable scenes and a giant orgy. Sure, people had sexual interactions, but it was rather contained. The way the place is arranged it is easy to socialize without focusing on the kinky scenes, but if you want to participate or watch there is ample opportunity. I don’t know how the organizers managed to find such great balance, but I fully appreciated it.

I was suspended for the first time, which was surprisingly easy and really fun. It really only took one rope and some knots I know, a quick pull, and BAM up in the air. It can get a little painful depending on how the weight is distributed and where the tension is, but luckily I don’t mind a bit of that :). I’m not afraid of it anymore, so that was a good accomplishment.

On an entirely separate note, my college roommate’s mom died this past Thursday. I mentioned this summer we found out she had a brain tumor, but we thought she still had several months to a year (or longer, if a miracle occurred) left. I was caught by surprise. The worst part is not being able to manage tickets and time to attend the funeral. I hate being 10 hours away from my friend, I want to be by her side, giving her hugs, helping her cope. I’m hoping she’ll be ready to talk soon and I can be there for her in that way.

Things also just sort of picked up and started flying by at an incredible pace. I have one class just 3 more times, I have my schedule planned out more than a week in advance (wtf, right?), there’s too many things and people and not enough time. I’m loving things, so that’s great, I’m just going to need a crash day soon.

I’m not sure if it’s being busy, being nervous/sick, being increasingly active, or just my general efforts, but all of my clothes are too big, except the off piece that I manage to shrink in the wash. I need to go shopping soon. I also lack fetish and kink attire, and it’d be nice not to wonder for an hour about what to wear to one of these events. Plus, since fall is approaching, I – like every other female – really am craving a nice pair of boots.

I also am very, very curious if a few folks I know from the professional/vanilla world know about my “secret life.” It kind of seems they do, or at least suspect things…but I don’t want to bring it up if they don’t already know. I also really want to know their thoughts on the subject. We’ll see how this proceeds.

Yes, this post is made of randomness…but that’s kind of how my life is right now, and I’m lacking the time to really organize my thoughts.

Other things I’d like to research and learn more about: humiliation (which is still one of the most controversial D/s subjects to me, it’s a source of endless curiosity) and protocols. I’m still reading up on pain and monogamy/poly, as always, but they’re a little less at the forefront at the moment.

Not So Discrete…

I’ve always been very, very careful about how much information I share with my vanilla friends concerning my sex life and sexual interests. Being from Indiana, I’m used to bible-belt conservatives, close-minded-ness, and general prudish-ness. I was raised in the Catholic church, which screams “hide your horny!” Add to that my interests in working for the government and in/around politics, and it makes sense that I’ve been super-discreet.

When I moved to Pittsburgh, I wanted to get involved in the local scene because I knew I wouldn’t run into people from high school or my family (my sister attends IN kink events sometimes – I know this about her, she knows nothing about my desires).  For the first few months, I was too chicken to go to anything. After a handy-dandy road trip mixed with some Dan Savage, I found out that my closest friend here was open to kinky things.

Turns out, she was into the idea enough to attend an event with me, and I finally attended something and met other kinky people. Good times were had by all, and my desire to attend more things was inspired.

Anyhow, it’s been great being able to be open about this side of my personality. It was nice to be able to discuss my interests and men and what-not with a friend, being honest about the entire situation. In the two weeks it’s been, I’ve gotten used to the openness. I’ve also started to care marginally less about what my friends think about my kink interests. I mean, if they judge me for this, are they really my friends?

So, while I was hanging out with my friends over thanksgiving break, I didn’t hold back. I spilled my guts, and they were curious and not appalled. In fact, I learned (well, confirmed ideas I’d already had) that one friend is a Domme-leaning exhibitionist, one is into bondage and maybe pain but not control, and one is into bondage without pain but with the power exchange and teasing. AKA, everyone’s a little bit kinky, even my prudish Indiana friends. They even expressed interest in attending kink events, and want handcuffs for xmas!