For most of the last year, I’ve focused on exploring kink and my sexuality. I’ve dated quite a bit, and I focused on trying to let myself open up emotionally with others (traditionally, that’s been very, very difficult for me). My work and school schedule, combined with my different groups of vanilla and kinky friends, made me feel stressed and busy. Kink was a good release, but D/s scared me. I needed to prioritize and focus on the goals I had set for myself.
The key there was that D/s freaked me out. When I was first interested in BDSM, way back in my teens, I thought a 24/7 M/s situation would be awesome and ideal. I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait for a man, so I pursued a bunch of other interests. Along the way, my ambitions and other interests became more central to my happiness, I got much more independent, and I started thinking in terms of a less than 24/7 D/s relationship. Even then, though, I still wanted to find a Dominant of my own. In fact, when I started this blog about 2 years ago, I wrote a post on my ideal relationship, and that involved a fair amount of power exchange.
Life got more hectic and things got crazy. I barely had time for myself. I dated a few guys who, while interesting, I wasn’t totally taken with and they started getting into all these serious things (poly, D/s commitment after just a few dates, high protocols). It scared me, and I backed away from D/s, hard. I switched my kinky label, and I got much more snarky/bratty/switchy with folks. I enjoy playing around, humor, pushing back, etc. Really though, part of it is a challenge. I still want to find a Dominant man, but by pushing hard, I know that I’m putting up walls on purpose to protect myself. I want someone to push through them, but I’m afraid of being submissive so I don’t let myself unless pushed there.
Thing is, to me, submitting means prioritizing my partners desires above my own. I get that my needs need to be met, but my desires can be subjugated to his desires. That’s a big thing. I maintain pretty rigid control over my life. I plan things, I host things, I make sure shit gets done. There are very few people I relax with and that I trust to have control and both be decisive and not abuse that trust. I’ve gotten better with this over the last year or so, in that I’ve formed some great relationships. Despite that, I’m so used to people not following through on their word that I have a lot of doubt. I’m a skeptic. An idealistic skeptic, but skeptic nonetheless. Long story short, surrendering control is hard for me, but when I do it I do so full-blast.
Realistically, I’m submissive in all aspects of my life. Pleasing people is paramount to me. In all of my relationships, if I see a way I can add to your happiness, I will do all in my power to do that. I will rearrange schedules, plan things, send interesting articles or jokes your way if they relate to you, whatever. I like to make the people important to me happy. Growing up, my need to make those around me happy caused a good deal of stress. Hell, even now, a good deal of my stress is knowing that someone I know is unhappy (or thinking they are) and not being able to help. I try to make sure I don’t let my own well-being suffer because of this, but it’s a struggle. In order to live my life, I have to push down that submissive part because I can’t be submissive to everyone. It isn’t practical, it isn’t good for my happiness, and honestly, I know way too many non-decisive people. Over the last year, I’ve tried hard to ignore any submissive parts of myself.
Despite that half-hearted, craptastic attempt at tamping down my submissiveness and focusing on pain and bondage instead, that part of me is still there. I graduated, I found a job, and I settled into some relationships and habits. It isn’t overwhelming to think about incorporating other people into my life now. I started thinking about submission again, and why it was that I freaked out about it. I can’t deny I’m submissive.
At the end of the day, submitting to someone I trust would alleviate that deep-seated pressure to make people happy, because I would be guided in how to please them. I could focus on pleasing one person instead of everyone. My need to please would be outwardly acknowledged, and openness about my submission will help me find someone who won’t take advantage of that need to please. I get that plenty of Dominants are abusive, and ultimately it will always be my own responsibility to make sure my needs are being met. That said, I overthink the shit out of things, and being guided in how to please and told if I’m not pleasing my partner eliminates a great deal of the stress I have in trying to control things I have no control over (like my partner’s emotions).
There’s more on this, but in an effort to not have crazy long posts I’ll post it later.