101 Kinky Questions

Thanks to hispreciouspet (http://hispreciouspet.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/101-kinky-questions-answered-about-me/) for the questions.

I’m in a weird mood, so why not overshare to the anonymous abyss?

1. Have you ever slept naked?

Yes. I find, weirdly enough, that I get hotter when I sleep with no clothes than when I wear clothes. Because of that and the more practical issue of needing to use the shared bathroom in the middle of the night, I usually wear some form of pajamas.

2. Have you ever masturbated?

Of course.

3. What’s your bra size, or dick length?

38D

4. Where was your first time?

At this guy’s house, tied to his bed. It was the second time I’d hung out with him. I still don’t know why I was so ready to let it happen that way.

5. Have you ever gotten sexual with anything that wasn’t a person?

Yes. I use a couple of different toys regularly. When I was younger and didn’t own toys, I used toothbrushes, highlighters, and pillows for sexy fun times.

6. Have you ever shown anyone your body parts and asked advice?

I don’t think I’ve ever asked for advice about my body parts, but I’ve shown them to people.

8 . Do you prefer doing it in the dark or in the light?

I like mood lighting, but it doesn’t matter to me that much. If I’m into you enough to do it the lights aren’t on my mind. If I’m thinking about the lights, it isn’t going to be good sex.

9. What’s your greatest fantasy?

Being kept on edge for several hours, at least partly due to extended nipple teasing and/or torment. Having my desire used against me so that I will desperately serve my Dom’s desires (think lap dance, head, crawling). Add some bondage in there and you’ve got a hot time :).

10. Would you suck on anyone’s toes?

I wouldn’t seek it out, but if I was in a D/s dynamic and it made my Dom happy, I’d do it. If they were clean, of course, and he wasn’t being a dick about it.

11. Where do you think would be the weirdest place to have sex?

I’m not keen on the idea of having sex in a cemetery, that would skeeve me out a bit.

12. Would you have sex there? 

Maybe, but it would take a lot of convincing.

13. How old were you the first time?

22. I got a late start.

14. Would you ever have lesbian or gay sex?

I have received oral from a woman, but not given it. I don’t know that I could, it really grosses me out. Who knows though, things change.

15. What do you think the sexiest fruit is?

Bananas? I’m all for phallic references.

16. Would you ever have an orgy with the same-sex?

Maybe, see above grossed out by giving thing. If it was a group thing with same and opposite sex, maybe.

17. What and who turns you on?

This is the vaguest question ever. I’m turned on by humor, intelligence, chivalry, strength, dominance, assertiveness, bondage, pain, teasing, sensual touch…the list could go on. As for who, well, any number of people :).

18. Have your hands ever been down anyone’s pants?

Yup. I like the innocence of fondling in the pants.

19. What superstar would you have sex with?

Paul Rudd, Justin Bartha…god there are more, but I’m drawing blanks.

20. Have you or anyone else ever stuck anything down your pants?

Just their hands.

21. Have you ever had a dream about being gay or lesbian?

Nope.

22. Are you gay or lesbian?

Nope.

24. Have you ever made a guy get hard?

Yup.

25. Have you ever counted your pubic hairs?

Hell no, that’d be super tedious.

26. Would you rather be cute or sexy?

I think it depends on to whom. I’m going to cheat and say that I want to be with people who find cute sexy.

27. How many people would you have sex with at once?

Maybe another couple, or a couple of dudes at once… that’s probably it. I can be weirdly prudish. Now, having sex in the company of others but not WITH them, that may be a different answer.

28. Have you ever put on a strip show?

No, but I would, with the right audience.

29. Have you ever seen a strip show?

I saw a live sex show in Amsterdam, if that counts? I’ve also seen burlesque and pole dancing. I’ve never seen a legit strip show though.

30. Have you ever seen any of your friends naked?

Yes. I have friends I met in the kink scene, where nudity is common.

31. What’s your kinky fetish?

Power exchange, bondage, pain…basically all elements of BDSM.

32. Have you ever had a fantasy about a teacher?

No, actually. That’s a bit surprising in retrospect.

33. Have you ever had an orgasm?

Yep, thankfully.

34. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes, in a hot tub this summer at a kinky party, and in 4th grade. Not the same experience at all :).

35. Have you ever played with a condom?

Played, as in blew it into a balloon? Of course. As in sexual activity? When I’ve had sex, I’ve used them.

36. If you could be a spice what would it be?

Cardamon. Sweet and a tad spicy, intriguing, looked forward to, and holds dishes together.

37. Would you use objects in sex such as whips, hand cuffs, etc.?

Yes, please!

38. Have you ever tried on a condom?

I have no penis, so no.

39. Have you ever playfully spanked your lover?

Yes. I uncontrollably giggle when I spank people, though, so it’s not usually a go-to sex move.

40. If someone says “spank me” do you do it and get turned on?

I’d be sad that they weren’t doing it to me.

41. Have you ever worn your underwear two days in a row?

Yes, but I wouldn’t again.

42. Have you ever seen anyone’s dick?

Yep.

44. Have you ever took a piss standing up or squatting in the woods?

Yes, it’s challenging.

45. What was the weirdest place you have ever done something with someone?

I minimally fooled around in a movie theater, so maybe that?

46. What was the weirdest thing you have ever done to your b/f or g/f?

I’m kinky. Pretty sure most things I enjoy are weird to someone. I don’t know that I find any of it “weird.”

47. What was the lamest thing your b/f or g/f did for you or to you?

Can’t think of something.

48 . Have you ever wondered what position you would have sex in?

Honestly, I don’t think much about positions. I’m not having enough sex for that to be on my mind.

49. Have you ever used a vibrator on yourself or somebody else?

On myself, yes, on someone else, no.

52. Would you ever have sex in the ocean?

If it was private enough, yes.

53. Have you ever gotten sand up you? 

Not from fun activities. Not a fan of the idea, either.

54. Have you ever run or walked around your house nude?

Not my current home (roommates and windows facing an office building), but previous ones yes.

55. What do you wear to bed?

Usually some form of nightshirt, I have some long sleeved, long tshirt ones from Victoria’s Secret, some sexier nighties, and an old one from a department store. If I’m really cold or sharing space, I’ll wear pajama pants and a college tshirt.

56. Have you ever done anything with someone in your parents bed?

No, and I wouldn’t. Ew.

57. Would you ever consider rubbing hot oil or cream all over your guy or girl?

If my partner enjoyed massages, I would. Probably lotion before oil, though.

59. Have you ever used lubricant?

Yes.

61. Have you ever fingered yourself, got fingered before or fingered someone else?

Yes, yes, and no.

64. Have you ever given or received a hand job or blow job?

Yes to both.

66. Have you ever tasted cum or female juice?

Yes to cum, and yes if my own counts.

68. What does the number “69″ mean to you?

Double oral.

70. How old were you when you got your first real kiss? 

Maybe 18? Again, late bloomer.

72. Have you ever done anything with anyone in a pool, hot tub, or bath tub?

No.

74. Have you ever tied up or hand cuffed anybody?

Yes, I’ve tied someone up, and I’ve been both tied up and handcuffed.

77. Were you a witness to someone having sex?

Yes, kinky parties always have someone having sex.

80. Would you ever have phone sex?

I would, although it’d be super difficult since tlaking direty makes me really nervous.

81. Do you go by the rhythm of music?

If there is music, yes.

84. Would you ever have sex with your best friend or someone you don’t even know?

Not my current best friend, but friends change.

85. Do you find physical pain like spanking an element of good sex?

Yes.

86. Do you find older women or men attractive?

Older men, as in maybe 10-20 years, yes. More than that, no.

87. Would you rather have sex with or without a condom? 

Pregnancy scares the everliving shit out of me, so condoms are a must.

88. Who was the person you kissed that was the best?

The best? That’s a hard one. Maybe a guy I dated right after moving to DC, 2 years or so ago.

89. If you had a half an hour to spend with your b/f or g/f what would you do?

Depends how long it had been since we’d seen each other. If it’d been a while, talk and catch up with some kissing.

90. If you only had 20 minutes left to live what would you do?

Say goodbye to everyone that I could.

91. Which would you rather make out:A) On a stage in front of a lot of people you know? B) With your parents in the room?C) In front of an ex?

A.

95. What color is your hair (pubic)?

Dark brown.

98. Your love life is like which of these movies:

A) Something about Mary
B) Chasing Amy
C) My Girl 2
D) When Harry Met Sally
E) Fatal Attraction
F) Rated X (not for young viewers)

A or F.

99. Have you ever lost the keys to the cuffs or got stuck together?

No, thank heavens.

101. Would you do anyone on your blogroll? 

Don’t know enough about those folks to say one way or the other.

25 Things About My Sexuality, Revisited

Site based on: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I have the original one bookmarked places, but it is no longer entirely relevant. As such, here’s the one year update.

  1. I am a masochist. I can orgasm from pain alone, especially a spanking or pain to the nipples. I also find emotional release cathartically through pain.
  2. I enjoy inflicting pain on others so long as I am assured that they enjoy it. In fact, doing so can cause me some sadistic glee. That said, I’m still very new to this and it makes me nervous; I’m treading carefully down this path.
  3. I love rope – being tied in it, tying others in it. It can be sexual, sensual, calming, or fun.
  4. I’m submissive. I enjoy being able to defer to my romantic partner and trust him to take control. I enjoy serving him, focusing on his pleasure, and obeying him. I do not submit easily or frequently, but when I do I enjoy it quite a bit.
  5. I’m monogamish. I’m open to my partners playing with others, so long as it’s in public or I’m present, or in certain other discussed situations; there must be mutual consent and communication about everything.
  6. I adore teasing and denial and orgasm control. This is something I don’t play with casually, especially since it’s all power exchange and sex oriented, but it’s a huge fetish of mine. That said, I’m not interested in a permanent chastity/denial situation or even one that spans more than a couple of weeks. Being challenged and tormented is good, tortured and entirely deprived, not so much.
  7. The more public the scene, the more it takes for me to be vocal. I will shout, shriek, scream, or squeak if surprised or in great pain. I will make more noise the more I trust my partner and the more comfortable I am with my surroundings.
  8. In pleasure or in pain, my body clearly physically responds. I contort into bizarre positions, squeeze things, struggle, flail, bite, dig nails in, etc. Sometimes this results in unpredictable cramping if in certain forms of bondage or unintentionally kicking folks in the head, but for the most part it is more entertaining than an issue.
  9. When I’m enjoying myself, my body shakes and shivers. If you hit a sweet spot, that’s what happens. Teasing or biting my neck is the fastest way to get this reaction.
  10. I suffer from vaginismus. Benefit of this – I’m pretty incredibly tight and my orgasms are super intense. Main associated things: one night stands are out, foreplay is a must, and bigger is not always better.
  11. Ironically, given the previous issues with penetration, I actually climax hardest (and sometimes can’t climax without) with penetration. My g-spot is very easily accessible, and I have amazingly strong orgasms with penetration.
  12. I find the whole concept of “scenes” at parties and events a tad disconcerting. I’m more inclined to play with friends and romantic partners only. I want one or both partners to get off or at the very least experience obviously strong sexual reactions. If that isn’t happening, then there needs to be an educational component or a humorous one (having fun casually, so long as both people are having fun casually and not getting off on it is fine too).
  13. I don’t do well with performance pressure. I like to know expectations and exceed them. If my orgasm is the primary goal of a scene, the pressure to climax mentally blocks it from happening. If my partner wants me to scream, I get stubborn and over-aware of my vocal reactions and it’s less likely to happen.
  14. I like to try everything at least once, if not twice. There are some things I rule out now that I will likely try one day, and there are others that may never be tried if I don’t get over certain fears or squicks. Mostly, though, my curiosity leads me to want to see what things are like for myself before judging them.
  15. I write erotic fiction that I publish on literotica. It’s all fiction, usually fantasies I’ve had rolling around in my head that I wrote down on paper after meeting someone I could imagine in the role of the protagonist.
  16. I had a traumatic issue with a female at an early age. As a result, I’m very hesitant to explore sexual encounters with women. I occasionally am comfortable enough and like someone enough to experiment. I am not – at this point, at least – at all ok with delving below the waist on another female, and I tend to get uncomfortable with overt agressive sexual advances from women.
  17. I read a lot of erotic fiction and fantasize quite a bit, but I don’t watch porn. I’ve watched maybe 2-3 short clips ever, and one movie (pirates). I wouldn’t be opposed to watching some with a partner, maybe even acting it out, but I don’t have any desire to seek it out on my own.
  18. I am easily embarrassed and flustered, especially when it comes to talking dirty or about sexual things. I get very turned on when a man gets explicit with me, and I get hot being forced to vocalize, even if it’s nearly impossible for me to get words out. That said, I don’t like being called a cunt or whore – degradation doesn’t do it for me.
  19. I’m someone who follows the rules, is a minor neat-freak, and enjoys planning and logistics. Read into that what you will.
  20. I strongly dislike when people vocally insert themselves into my scenes/play. If you aren’t invited in ahead of time, don’t join in. The only exception is in specific party situations where everyone is sort of involved in everyone’s play intentionally, or if the insertion was by a more primary partner of mine who had implicit permission to interrupt.
  21. I have a bit of an oral fixation. I really enjoy giving head, and I get off on my partner getting off on that. I get turned on sucking on my partner’s dick. I can deep throat a decent amount, but I do have an active gag reflex. I do get a bit nervous the first time with a new partner, and I like/welcome tips and instructions from my partner. I also get very nervous about STDs, so the testing discussion or condoms need to be used first. Don’t think this interest means I give head to everyone, just that I do really enjoy it with my sexual partners.
  22. I prefer yellow-red safeword combinations, as I’m more of a yellow than red person. I need middle ground options.
  23. It takes hanging out with me several times, maybe around 5, before you can really start to capture my personality. It takes me equally as long to get a feel for someone else, too. That’s how long it takes to cement an initial feeling, lose or gain my trust (at least in basic things), determine attraction, and see if we enjoy one another’s company.
  24. I’m a midwestern girl, raised Catholic, with Mormon and born-again best friends at different points in my life. I am not an atheist, and I do believe in God. I have a high ethical and moral code. I’m relatively modest and a bit of a prude. Sex is never meaningless for me. With a friend or romantic interest, it means something to me and must mean something to my partner for it to work.
  25. I’m still learning proper ways to communicate, especially about my sexuality. As a result, I tend towards bluntness and over-sharing, because too much honesty is better than too little. I’m a tad awkward. You’ve been forewarned. Feel free to ask direct questions, I’ll always answer honestly and I prefer that type of communicative initiative. I am horrible at playing the typical games associated with dating. I’m working on it.

Link to the original list.

Subjugation

As it’s probably been obvious, I’ve been thinking a lot about submission, D/s, and power exchange over the last few weeks. It’s something that, despite my extensive involvement in kink, I haven’t explored much. I’ve been afraid, and I may delve into that in a moment, but as I’ve experimented I’m seeing just how much it fulfills a need in me.

Most people – women especially – enjoy and need to feel protected by and safe with their partners. Respect, desire, trust – all those things play a role in most relationships, kinky or otherwise. Something about my history and my personality have combined and make it so that for me, I feel most safe when I trust and respect my partner enough to surrender control to him. I’ve built my life around maintaining control and doing so quite well, and for me to give that up indicates you’ve won me over entirely, heart mind body and soul.

That right there, that last bit – that’s the clincher. True submission comes with great trust, and the latter doesn’t come easily. To trust someone enough to submit to them means I need to trust them not to judge me negatively for the emotions I experience, to trust that they are committed enough to discipline or correct me for infractions rather than break up with me, to trust that honesty is encouraged and not too much information. I need to trust that they desire me and want to possess me. This is reciprocal – I obviously also need to desire this person, trust them to be honest and communicate with me, and be committed to them; if I was submitting, the presence of those things would be implicit in my submission.

So many people I know can have casual play situations that explore and delve into power exchange. I wish so much I could do so. I want to kneel at someone’s feet, wear his collar, crawl for him, stand in a corner, restrict my eye contact, use proper forms of address, worship his body, suffer for him, please, obey, and serve him. I want to be possessed, to be someone’s pet or plaything, to be mildly embarrassed and objectified. I crave that type of submission – the stern, knowing look, the command, the firm hand on my shoulder/in the small of my back, the caress of my hair, the slightly paternal condescension/arrogance. Thing is, the thought of most people doing this horrifies me, and I can’t be like this casually.

I have had to be independent since a very young age. If I didn’t take care of myself – from my basic needs to my professional/academic success to my happiness – no one would. I stopped relying on my parents to fulfill these things in middle school; I still let them influence me beyond that, but I could not trust them to make sure that I was ok. I had to rely on myself, and I strengthened and did so. Being weak was never an option in my household, and only invited further difficulties. When I trust someone to be my superior at something, I respect their authority wholeheartedly and I will have no problems asking them for guidance. Outside of that, asking for help is very difficult for me. I am stubborn and prideful.

I have built my life around this strict code of pride and independence, and it’s worked for me. I’ve gotten better at letting people in over the past few years, but it’s a challenge for me. I want people to see me as strong, to respect me – even if they’re Dominant and I’m submissive. I don’t defer right away. I don’t usually treat Dominant men any differently than any other men. I’m always a bit shy when I’m flirting with someone new, and I cater my manner to the person I’m talking with, but it isn’t the batting of eyelashes – oh Master please don’t hurt me – type of thing. I have purposefully kept myself from becoming the type of woman someone needs to pity or rescue, but most men go for the obviously deferential.

Basically, when I interact with men, even in the scene, they tend to see me as an equal right away. They see me like this because that’s what I want, and what I’ve spent my life trying to project. They may try to play; in fact, I was told recently I’m getting a reputation for being a good bottom, so cool beans on that. Men rarely try to get me to submit, however. It’s like they dismiss it immediately because I’m a bit type-A. They rarely get stern and commanding, slightly paternal or teasing. Yes, if you’re an arrogant ass, it’s annoying if you act like that. Thing is, my tendency to slip into an alpha role fades immediately when there’s another alpha present. I do react to “Domly mannerisms,” and my inner deferential submissive will show itself. If people don’t act like that with me, then they usually don’t see that side of myself. I lead when no-one else leads, I maintain control when no-one else is around who does it better…when someone who does it better steps up, I more than happily step down.

Essentially though, my issue is that the image I’m projecting isn’t attracting the type of man I’m interested in, but I don’t really know how to alter my mannerisms to change that. I don’t know that I want to, either, because I want to be true to myself and the strong, independent person is a big part of my life, just not necessarily my romantic/sexual life. It’s complicated, because to attract a Dominant, I need to show my submissive side, but to show my submissive side, I need to have this really high level of trust and respect that only comes with time, which happens after someone decides to get to know me.

To clarify, people that have known me a long time and are Dominant in nature don’t question my submissiveness. It’s like with everything in my personality. I guess I’m a bit complex, and I’m the type of person that reveals her personality slowly. Different questions, activities, interactions show different facets. People who know me really well love me for all these things that don’t really show up in a one-off happy hour or on a first date. It’s the same here, I just need to find a Dominant man who sees the underlying natural submissive urges and is willing to invest the energy and time to draw that side of me out from under the hard shell it’s been shoved under for so many years.

Lastly, I will add that I still worry that a fully D/s relationship would become stifling in time. I’m hesitant because I do enjoy elements of my independence. My level of submission does still entirely depend on the person I’m with and our interactions, personalities, etc.

Submissive Thoughts, Part 1: Being Honest with Myself

For most of the last year, I’ve focused on exploring kink and my sexuality. I’ve dated quite a bit, and I focused on trying to let myself open up emotionally with others (traditionally, that’s been very, very difficult for me). My work and school schedule, combined with my different groups of vanilla and kinky friends, made me feel stressed and busy. Kink was a good release, but D/s scared me. I needed to prioritize and focus on the goals I had set for myself.

The key there was that D/s freaked me out. When I was first interested in BDSM, way back in my teens, I thought a 24/7 M/s situation would be awesome and ideal. I’ve never been the type to sit around and wait for a man, so I pursued a bunch of other interests. Along the way, my ambitions and other interests became more central to my happiness, I got much more independent, and I started thinking in terms of a less than 24/7 D/s relationship. Even then, though, I still wanted to find a Dominant of my own. In fact, when I started this blog about 2 years ago, I wrote a post on my ideal relationship, and that involved a fair amount of power exchange.

Life got more hectic and things got crazy. I barely had time for myself. I dated a few guys who, while interesting, I wasn’t totally taken with and they started getting into all these serious things (poly, D/s commitment after just a few dates, high protocols). It scared me, and I backed away from D/s, hard. I switched my kinky label, and I got much more snarky/bratty/switchy with folks. I enjoy playing around, humor, pushing back, etc. Really though, part of it is a challenge. I still want to find a Dominant man, but by pushing hard, I know that I’m putting up walls on purpose to protect myself. I want someone to push through them, but I’m afraid of being submissive so I don’t let myself unless pushed there.

Thing is, to me, submitting means prioritizing my partners desires above my own. I get that my needs need to be met, but my desires can be subjugated to his desires. That’s a big thing. I maintain pretty rigid control over my life. I plan things, I host things, I make sure shit gets done. There are very few people I relax with and that I trust to have control and both be decisive and not abuse that trust. I’ve gotten better with this over the last year or so, in that I’ve formed some great relationships. Despite that, I’m so used to people not following through on their word that I have a lot of doubt. I’m a skeptic. An idealistic skeptic, but skeptic nonetheless. Long story short, surrendering control is hard for me, but when I do it I do so full-blast.

Realistically, I’m submissive in all aspects of my life. Pleasing people is paramount to me. In all of my relationships, if I see a way I can add to your happiness, I will do all in my power to do that. I will rearrange schedules, plan things, send interesting articles or jokes your way if they relate to you, whatever. I like to make the people important to me happy. Growing up, my need to make those around me happy caused a good deal of stress. Hell, even now, a good deal of my stress is knowing that someone I know is unhappy (or thinking they are) and not being able to help. I try to make sure I don’t let my own well-being suffer because of this, but it’s a struggle. In order to live my life, I have to push down that submissive part because I can’t be submissive to everyone. It isn’t practical, it isn’t good for my happiness, and honestly, I know way too many non-decisive people. Over the last year, I’ve tried hard to ignore any submissive parts of myself.

Despite that half-hearted, craptastic attempt at tamping down my submissiveness and focusing on pain and bondage instead, that part of me is still there. I graduated, I found a job, and I settled into some relationships and habits. It isn’t overwhelming to think about incorporating other people into my life now. I started thinking about submission again, and why it was that I freaked out about it. I can’t deny I’m submissive.

At the end of the day, submitting to someone I trust would alleviate that deep-seated pressure to make people happy, because I would be guided in how to please them. I could focus on pleasing one person instead of everyone. My need to please would be outwardly acknowledged, and openness about my submission will help me find someone who won’t take advantage of that need to please. I get that plenty of Dominants are abusive, and ultimately it will always be my own responsibility to make sure my needs are being met. That said, I overthink the shit out of things, and being guided in how to please and told if I’m not pleasing my partner eliminates a great deal of the stress I have in trying to control things I have no control over (like my partner’s emotions).

There’s more on this, but in an effort to not have crazy long posts I’ll post it later.

Day 4, 30 Days of Me

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.

  1. Apply to private colleges that aren’t Ivy League. They may be too expensive, but they also may give scholarships.
  2. Volunteer with a political campaign. It’ll be good experience later on. Actually, consider doing Congress’ page program.
  3. It’s ok to ask for help. Get assistance from a guidance counselor or teacher with scholarship and college essays.
  4. Similarly, don’t be afraid to ask for help with things at home. Talk to someone about it – don’t keep things bottled in.
  5. Don’t interact with anyone more than 4 years older than you via the Internet. Creepy. What seems flattering now is actually illegal. Don’t be so quick to trust someone you’ve never met. Really, spend less time in your head and more time with other people.
  6. Play softball, tennis, or some other sport. If you’re bad at first, you’ll get better. Don’t let a fear of being terrible keep you from playing, just give it your all and enjoy yourself.
  7. Pursue your dreams. Don’t let other people’s opinions or thoughts keep you from doing the things you love.
  8. Don’t be afraid to flirt! It doesn’t have to mean you want to be with someone long-term, and can be lots of fun. With that, if a boy acts differently around you, he may be interested. Believe it. Explore it. Don’t let your insecurity get in the way of mutual interest.
  9. Study and practice speaking French regularly and you will go so much further in later years.
  10. It’s ok to have fun on school nights. Seriously. You can go places and do things after dinnertime/extracurriculars and your homework won’t suffer. Relax!

A Missing Element

I always talk about how it’s so close to impossible for me to submit to someone, how rare it is, and how I bottom because of those things. I’ve been exploring this concept in my head a lot recently.

Over the last year or so, I’ve delved into kink quite a bit. I bottom for scenes, and have been enjoying experimenting with all sorts of new things. I like playing, and I like most of toys in some fashion. I realized a few weeks ago that despite that, I’ve still left most of my biggest kinks unexplored.

I love bondage and pain in all forms, but in my most recurring fantasies it’s teasing and denial, begging, nipple torture, and discreet bondage or play in public that take center stage. Bondage and pain play roles in all those fantasies, but it’s these other things – things that focus on power exchange, vulnerability, intimacy, control, etc. that appeal to me. All these things that I masturbate about, write erotica about, but at the end of the day, I don’t do.

When I realized that, I started wondering why not, and it’s because to me they are things to be done within a relationship because of the trust involved. They also involve my submitting to someone, not just bottoming for them. So, what does it take for me to submit to someone? That’s the question.

For me, submission isn’t something I take lightly. I don’t fake reactions or emotions, and I’m terrible at acting. Role-playing submission doesn’t work well for me. If I’m submitting to you, not just letting you play within a set of negotiated limits – if I’m letting you into my head – it’s a different can of worms.

First off, I’m very proud, stubborn, and independent. I am terrible at asking for help and admitting weakness. I have issues with inferiority, and I don’t like others to see me as anything other than strong, focused, and in control of my shit. Submitting is letting someone not only see me when I’m vulnerable, it’s letting them create the vulnerability. I like submitting because it allows me to trust someone, be at my most vulnerable, not worry and stress about being in charge all the time, and relax. That said, I’m used to people seeing me vulnerable and taking advantage in negative ways, and I’ve spent my life training my mind to avoid mental and emotional pain by avoiding vulnerability. As a result, submitting is the thing I crave most sometimes, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to let people in.

Second, I’m good at organizing things, planning, logistics, and leading. I do so in my vanilla life, and I do so quite well. I’m decently intelligent and successful. If I’m going to submit to you, I have to trust that you can do all these things, and do them as well or better than I can. I rarely encounter people that can do that who are also single and kinky, let alone who I also am attracted to/share ‘nilla interests with.

Third, I have a very, very active sense of humor. It’s not just one kind – I laugh at sarcastic comments, crude jokes, lame jokes…really it’s all good. I will kid around and make snarky comments as much as possible…so kill me, I like having fun. This tends to throw people off or annoy the Domly Dom types. Apparently, it makes me bratty. I’m fine being put in my place for it if it’s done with good spirit and humor in response, but I can’t really shut it off.

Lastly, I’m the type of person who will push until someone pushes back. I used to joke in school that I did the least amount possible to get the highest grade possible. If I could get away without doing my homework for a week, I would. If it means a low score or failing a test, I’ll change my behavior. This means yes, I could have done better, but it allowed me to also have a life and I still did well enough to achieve my goals. It’s sort of the same with submitting. If I can get away with being bossy or snarky, fighting back, etc., I will. If I am put in my place or hit a boundary that is a clear boundary (not a humor thing, but actual one), I will not do it again. Most people will kid back or take me at face value – rarely do people step up and establish boundaries.

All that aside, pleasing my partner is incredibly important to me. I like service when it’s self motivated – I enjoy cleaning and if I know it pleases my partner, I’m likely to volunteer to do it; command me to do it and I’ll be annoyed. I work better by being told how to please my partner and then being given the opportunity to do so, less so with direct orders unless in the bedroom. Protocols tend to make me feel stressed or bogged down unless they are simple or natural. Titles seem cheesy to me unless I genuinely feel your power in my blood. I respond best to quiet authority.  Gentle assumptions of control over time that are seamless within our interactions work best for things outside of a scene; during a scene, I’m all for force, struggling, etc.

So I don’t label myself as submissive, because it seems so difficult for me to find. I bottom. I switch, sometimes. I can find happiness without ongoing power exchange, as long as there’s some kink present. I can allow the surrender of pain and bondage suffice, and not really notice a difference. I also could very likely find happiness as someone’s submissive, with much greater levels of mindfucking, and all the predicaments and vulnerability that may go with that…I just haven’t found the right person to explore it with. My experiments with D/s thus far — online interaction for a year with one person, being formally “taught” by someone for a few months (real life thing but long distance excepting a weekend), dating for a few months but casually and poly, dating someone into high protocol that scared me out of D/s altogether for a while — none of those situations allowed me to deeply delve into this realm.