25 Things About My Sexuality, Revisited

Site based on: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I have the original one bookmarked places, but it is no longer entirely relevant. As such, here’s the one year update.

  1. I am a masochist. I can orgasm from pain alone, especially a spanking or pain to the nipples. I also find emotional release cathartically through pain.
  2. I enjoy inflicting pain on others so long as I am assured that they enjoy it. In fact, doing so can cause me some sadistic glee. That said, I’m still very new to this and it makes me nervous; I’m treading carefully down this path.
  3. I love rope – being tied in it, tying others in it. It can be sexual, sensual, calming, or fun.
  4. I’m submissive. I enjoy being able to defer to my romantic partner and trust him to take control. I enjoy serving him, focusing on his pleasure, and obeying him. I do not submit easily or frequently, but when I do I enjoy it quite a bit.
  5. I’m monogamish. I’m open to my partners playing with others, so long as it’s in public or I’m present, or in certain other discussed situations; there must be mutual consent and communication about everything.
  6. I adore teasing and denial and orgasm control. This is something I don’t play with casually, especially since it’s all power exchange and sex oriented, but it’s a huge fetish of mine. That said, I’m not interested in a permanent chastity/denial situation or even one that spans more than a couple of weeks. Being challenged and tormented is good, tortured and entirely deprived, not so much.
  7. The more public the scene, the more it takes for me to be vocal. I will shout, shriek, scream, or squeak if surprised or in great pain. I will make more noise the more I trust my partner and the more comfortable I am with my surroundings.
  8. In pleasure or in pain, my body clearly physically responds. I contort into bizarre positions, squeeze things, struggle, flail, bite, dig nails in, etc. Sometimes this results in unpredictable cramping if in certain forms of bondage or unintentionally kicking folks in the head, but for the most part it is more entertaining than an issue.
  9. When I’m enjoying myself, my body shakes and shivers. If you hit a sweet spot, that’s what happens. Teasing or biting my neck is the fastest way to get this reaction.
  10. I suffer from vaginismus. Benefit of this – I’m pretty incredibly tight and my orgasms are super intense. Main associated things: one night stands are out, foreplay is a must, and bigger is not always better.
  11. Ironically, given the previous issues with penetration, I actually climax hardest (and sometimes can’t climax without) with penetration. My g-spot is very easily accessible, and I have amazingly strong orgasms with penetration.
  12. I find the whole concept of “scenes” at parties and events a tad disconcerting. I’m more inclined to play with friends and romantic partners only. I want one or both partners to get off or at the very least experience obviously strong sexual reactions. If that isn’t happening, then there needs to be an educational component or a humorous one (having fun casually, so long as both people are having fun casually and not getting off on it is fine too).
  13. I don’t do well with performance pressure. I like to know expectations and exceed them. If my orgasm is the primary goal of a scene, the pressure to climax mentally blocks it from happening. If my partner wants me to scream, I get stubborn and over-aware of my vocal reactions and it’s less likely to happen.
  14. I like to try everything at least once, if not twice. There are some things I rule out now that I will likely try one day, and there are others that may never be tried if I don’t get over certain fears or squicks. Mostly, though, my curiosity leads me to want to see what things are like for myself before judging them.
  15. I write erotic fiction that I publish on literotica. It’s all fiction, usually fantasies I’ve had rolling around in my head that I wrote down on paper after meeting someone I could imagine in the role of the protagonist.
  16. I had a traumatic issue with a female at an early age. As a result, I’m very hesitant to explore sexual encounters with women. I occasionally am comfortable enough and like someone enough to experiment. I am not – at this point, at least – at all ok with delving below the waist on another female, and I tend to get uncomfortable with overt agressive sexual advances from women.
  17. I read a lot of erotic fiction and fantasize quite a bit, but I don’t watch porn. I’ve watched maybe 2-3 short clips ever, and one movie (pirates). I wouldn’t be opposed to watching some with a partner, maybe even acting it out, but I don’t have any desire to seek it out on my own.
  18. I am easily embarrassed and flustered, especially when it comes to talking dirty or about sexual things. I get very turned on when a man gets explicit with me, and I get hot being forced to vocalize, even if it’s nearly impossible for me to get words out. That said, I don’t like being called a cunt or whore – degradation doesn’t do it for me.
  19. I’m someone who follows the rules, is a minor neat-freak, and enjoys planning and logistics. Read into that what you will.
  20. I strongly dislike when people vocally insert themselves into my scenes/play. If you aren’t invited in ahead of time, don’t join in. The only exception is in specific party situations where everyone is sort of involved in everyone’s play intentionally, or if the insertion was by a more primary partner of mine who had implicit permission to interrupt.
  21. I have a bit of an oral fixation. I really enjoy giving head, and I get off on my partner getting off on that. I get turned on sucking on my partner’s dick. I can deep throat a decent amount, but I do have an active gag reflex. I do get a bit nervous the first time with a new partner, and I like/welcome tips and instructions from my partner. I also get very nervous about STDs, so the testing discussion or condoms need to be used first. Don’t think this interest means I give head to everyone, just that I do really enjoy it with my sexual partners.
  22. I prefer yellow-red safeword combinations, as I’m more of a yellow than red person. I need middle ground options.
  23. It takes hanging out with me several times, maybe around 5, before you can really start to capture my personality. It takes me equally as long to get a feel for someone else, too. That’s how long it takes to cement an initial feeling, lose or gain my trust (at least in basic things), determine attraction, and see if we enjoy one another’s company.
  24. I’m a midwestern girl, raised Catholic, with Mormon and born-again best friends at different points in my life. I am not an atheist, and I do believe in God. I have a high ethical and moral code. I’m relatively modest and a bit of a prude. Sex is never meaningless for me. With a friend or romantic interest, it means something to me and must mean something to my partner for it to work.
  25. I’m still learning proper ways to communicate, especially about my sexuality. As a result, I tend towards bluntness and over-sharing, because too much honesty is better than too little. I’m a tad awkward. You’ve been forewarned. Feel free to ask direct questions, I’ll always answer honestly and I prefer that type of communicative initiative. I am horrible at playing the typical games associated with dating. I’m working on it.

Link to the original list.

Day 19, 30 Days of Kink

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

So, so many…

My self confidence has grown immensely. I’m more confident about my body – what it is capable of, what I enjoy sexually, that people find it attractive. I’m less hesitant around both new people of all types and men specifically. I’m able to flirt and tease, ask people to play, interact with strangers and create intimate spaces within minutes. This sense of self, feeling of confidence in who I am and what value that is, was something I seriously lacked prior to kink. Well, prior to the last two years, and kink was part of that (so was grad school, moving a few times, independence, etc.).

Moreover, I am much more accepting of other people, other cultures, other sexualities, and other paths in life. I have seen and experienced so many things I had no idea about before, and the increase in knowledge has only broadened my mind in positive ways.

I am much more flexible and forgiving of myself and those around me. I see more shades of grey in the black and white that our society puts forth. I know how to create situations that work for me instead of accepting what other people say has to be.

Lastly, I’ve met so many great people! Kink has been a great way for me to get connected to my community, both in Pittsburgh and DC. It has helped me make friends and have amazing experiences. Kinky people are the best! I love my ‘nilla friends, but kinky folks seem to be better able to balance work and play, which has been a nice change. They are supportive, open-minded, mostly non-judgmental, and overall the best and most unexpected part of kink.

6/25

I’ll do a full update on life and a bunch of other stuff, but in the meantime…It was a great weekend!

Storm almost killjoyed the whole thing, but made it into camp on Saturday morning. Took many rope classes, played with electricity, rope, and pain at varying times, and had an overall fantabulous time. Main highlights – I made out with a girl, made myself climax with a few others doing the same thing (what’s the girl name for a circle jerk?), danced sluttily, and got beaten so hard I came (multiple times…pain slut, much? Methinks yes.).

I learned a lot about myself, but the one thing I remembered most today: it is nearly impossible for me to voluntarily keep my legs still when I’m experiencing intense pain or pleasure. My thighs are incredibly sore from being punished for my inability to keep them from contorting. I may not always scream, but I do contort. <– I think this is part of why bondage appeals. The unavoidable struggle when I’m turned on just reinforces my helplessness and gets me off more. I did like the verbal command/predicament though…the hint at deeper domination was really hot.

Otherwise, on to a busy week of catching up with people and getting my shit together. Oh, and figuring out WTF to do with vanilla guy. I have a good time hanging out with him…which blows. Because really, do I preemptively break it off, not say something and see what happens (knowing shit will hit the fan at some point), or just try to bring it up and see his thoughts? None of these options are good or easy! Damnit! After a weekend like Fusion, it’s just reinforced how much fun being kinky and open with it is.  I was more open than I ever have been with my sexuality, and I enjoyed that freedom.

Rope, bondage, experimentation, humor, and roughness/pain/domination are all core elements of my sexuality and what turns me on. I don’t know that I could be fully satisfied without it. That said, I haven’t really been in a vanilla relationship since being out in the kinky scene, so it could be possible. I just really don’t want to lead this person on, but I’m interested and very hesitant both at the same time and I don’t know how to communicate that hesitancy without outing myself. Ick. It’s much easier to date kinky men, and it makes me want to horridly blow this guy off with no explanation and run away from the situation altogether to find a kinky person instead, but I just couldn’t do that to someone. I don’t think it’s fair not to explain the real reasoning, and I’m not sure how much of that desire is a deeper fear of commitment making me self-sabotage. God, romance and crap is difficult.

Day 16, 30 Days of Kink

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

There are two things that are rather equally difficult for me: hiding/lying and dating.

First, I have an absolutely horrible poker face. I can’t lie. I am honest to a fault. If you know me at all, you would immediately be aware I was hiding something. More than that, I like to share stories, advice, and life in general with my loved ones. I enjoy girly gossip, and I highly value the insights of my friends on my actions. A lot of people I meet in the kinky community only hang out with other kinky folks, in part because they can have all of these things without explanations. Thing is, I love my ‘nilla friends. They are amazing people. I find it incredibly difficult, though, to not discuss kinky things.

More than that, it’s not just omitting or not sharing, it’s straight up hiding or lying. I have to make excuses for where I’m going when I attend kink events, and I have to keep this whole huge part of my personality and life secret. I hate that. I also have to keep things hidden or at the very least, very discreet, due to my professional interests. I want to be free and open and have no worries about it. It is stressful and hard to hide and lie about my kink, because it is more than sexuality but rather is part of my identification and personality.

Second, I find dating way more difficult as a kinky person. Primarily, my pool of available men shrinks considerably when I add kink, even more so as a relatively monogamous kinkster. I’ve met many men who are interested and I’m attracted to, but who aren’t kinky, and it just hasn’t worked. I despise having to bring up kink to vanilla folks and walk that mine-filled road. And more than all that, I hate that within kink, it’s incredibly difficult to distinguish romantic interest from play-only, sex-only, casual-only, etc. relationships. Dating in the vanilla world has always been much more straight forward for me.

Sacrilege

This post is entirely inappropriate for posting on a religious holiday…but at least the play wasn’t on a cross?

In general, public play has always tended to be more pain-centric for me. In Pittsburgh, I was so new to things, and public play was always focused on impact play. In DC, I got a bit more adventurous with play, and there are so many more venues for public play. Thing is, whenever people tried to use a vibrator or get more sexual in nature in public, I froze up.  I now realize that I just wasn’t comfortable with those people touching me that way for some myriad of reasons. They were poly and had a primary, or we hadn’t played together more than once before, there wasn’t a connection (feeling objectified by someone for real, not for show, isn’t hot to me), or I just plain wasn’t sexually attracted to them at all. Even if we’re not about to jump into bed, I need to want the other person to touch me, which requires some level of attraction and comfort. Basically, I can’t get off from playing with just anyone, and while I might agree to play or practice rope or something with someone, that doesn’t mean I’ll react well to them touching me sexually.

I also think another part of my inability to get sexual in public was because pure pain, while cathartic, doesn’t get me sopping wet or anything.  I can attain a physical release from intense pain, but it doesn’t get me “ready to go” like other forms of play. This is part of why I’ve kind of strayed away from intense pain scenes since I first started realizing this a few months ago. Rope more than anything, however, has always evoked a more sensual response from me. Very intense or restrictive bondage makes me far hotter than pain does. Strangely enough, though, while rope was my “gateway” into BDSM in the first place, in my kink exploration it hasn’t been the focus. Since the first event I attended in Pittsburgh last January, I was preoccupied with exploring my masochistic side with rare exceptions. In DC, I attended rope events, but they were educational and it wasn’t “play.” Basically, public play with rope in a non-educational way has been a new experience for me over the last several weeks.

Anyhow, I came in public last night for the first time. I didn’t know I could do that, and it surprised me. I actually got turned on enough and was in the moment enough that I was able to focus only on the two of us and what we were doing, not the people around us or anything else. Then, ta-da, climax. And, have to say, not just a climax, but a really intense one compared to my orgasmic history. Part of me was turned on enough that I probably could have orgasmed at least one more time, but simultaneously the first one left me shaking considerably and a second probably would’ve left me hanging by the ropes alone.

So, good to know that’s possible.

In other news, 3.5 weeks from tomorrow I’ll be done with grad school!! Guess I need to stop procrastinating and do my presentation for tomorrow, then all I will have left for that class is attendance.

25 Things About my Sexuality

1 year update found here: https://inquisitiveexplorer.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/25-things-about-my-sexuality-revisited/.

Many of my fetlife friends have been posting these. The trend is based on this website: http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com/. I don’t have the nerve to post my 25 things quite so publicly (on fetlife), but here’s mine.

  1. I’m a masochist. I love pain. I love way it makes me shudder, scream, and sometimes cry. I love how it gives me a reason to fight and struggle, yet simultaneously can guarantee my surrender. I like submitting to it, I like knowing someone is getting off on inflicting it. I also have a really high pain tolerance. Don’t be afraid to hurt me – I can take it, and if it gets to be too much, I’ll say so.
  2. I’m afraid of my own masochism. Despite all the things I just mentioned that I love, I’m afraid that my masochistic desires will prevent me from finding a relationship that will satisfy me. I’m afraid I’ll put my trust in the wrong person and end up hurt in the bad way. I feel somehow partially damaged for desiring, craving, and enjoying pain.
  3. I find it difficult to vocalize my feelings, from emotions to screaming from pain, it’s all hard for me, even more so in public play scenarios. In private, if I feel comfortable with you, I will make an effort to relax and let sounds happen. In public, I tend to withdraw vocally and it takes a bit to make me make noise. I’ve been told my non-verbal cues are explicit enough to make up for it, but others have been frustrated or disconcerted if I don’t scream from what some would consider heavy pain.
  4. If I start uncontrollably shuddering during play, almost 99% of the time it is a good thing. Usually, this happens after an intense amount of pain, although rope and other things with certain people evoke it as well. This reaction internally resembles something like aftershocks of a climax, and can be prolonged for hours. There may or may not be accompanying sexual arousal, but even without it, it’s still physically and mentally very satisfying for me.
  5. I can slip into subspace, but loud background noise gets in the way. I love feeling spacey and sated, especially when it’s combined with the aforementioned shuddering.
  6. I love pushing my limits. I’m pretty stubborn, and I enjoy seeing how much I can take. If it’s bondage, I like seeing how long I can stay in a position, or how much I can contort myself into a new one, etc. I tend to have more difficulty finding people who can push me to my limit. I love nothing more than playing with someone who is willing to challenge me, especially if their will is stronger than mine.
  7. With that, I will safeword if I need to but it is difficult for me. When I combine my own stubbornness with my innate desire to please, it gets hard to stop something.  If I’m petrified or freaking out or something and my Top doesn’t notice, I will bring it up, and if I don’t feel comfortable enough to do so then I shouldn’t be playing with that person.
  8. Realistically, I think most of the times that I’ve safeworded have been out of concern or fear that the Top playing with me was tired, sick of playing, etc, not out of need on my end.  I worry a lot about pain play or bondage being too focused on me, thus being work for the other person. It helps me a lot to hear whether or not my partner is enjoying himself. It also helps if I know in particular that the person enjoys whatever we’re doing – rope play with a rigger, pain play with someone who considers himself a sadist, etc.
  9. I love to write, and have written erotica for many years. None of it is nonfiction, but certain individuals have at times been the catalyst to my writing something down. I always appreciate feedback and interesting ideas. Someday, I might go on and write an erotic romance novel, but I need spare time first.
  10. I find comfort, relief, and pleasure in consistency, rules, etiquette, and protocol. Simultaneously, the intensity, extremity, and commitment of those things scares me and puts me off quite a bit. I haven’t figured out a good balance yet. This is a large part of what drives my rare submission, but also is a lot of what scares me about a D/s relationship.
  11. I have a love/hate relationship with light humiliation, in terms of being flustered or embarrassed. I like being made to blush. It doesn’t take much to get me to that point either – talking about sex, teasing, etc. does it quickly. I like the dynamic that type of teasing creates, and I like (and hate) the level of vulnerability that type of interaction fosters.
  12. I was raised Catholic and grew up with a Mormon best friend. I don’t attend services, but I do believe in and have a relationship with God. I don’t think sex should only be after marriage, but I do take issue with having NSA hookups, one night stands, or casual sex (defined in this case as intercourse) without some form of commitment/ongoing dynamic.
  13. I love and adore bondage, but rope bondage more than anything. I love the experience of being bound and the intimacy and sensuality that can be shared. I like the feeling of complete helplessness. I like testing my flexibility, struggling, and not being able to escape. I love the feeling of rope on my skin, the scent of jute, the bite of the binding. I enjoy bondage sexually – it definitely pushes my buttons – but I can also enjoy it as a mental release. I find safety and security in the bindings, and it does things for my stress level and mental state that I bet would rival therapy.
  14. I try to be very open minded, but at heart, sometimes I’m a conservative Indiana girl. I don’t know how to handle polyamory, queer identities, sex in public, and other things sometimes. I can get really awkward, and I don’t know the proper way to interact. Please don’t take this to mean that I am disproving, judging, or in any way responding negatively if you fall into these categories. If you tell me how to act or set the tone, I’ll do my absolute best to match it as quickly as possible. It’s just a hard to manage “I’ve never dealt with this, what do I do?!” reaction.
  15. I have horrible difficulty asking for what I want, including asking people to tie me up and/or hurt me, directing them to best please me, voicing my desires, etc.  I appreciate it when my partners make me talk about things, even when it’s embarrassing and hard for me (in fact, as mentioned above, sometimes the forced vocalization and resulting embarrassment can be arousing in and of itself). I blush, stammer, hide, etc. sometimes, and it’s better when people push me into vocalizing. On this same note, I find initiating contact with potential play partners extremely difficult, and greatly appreciate initiative in a partner.
  16. I’m not extremely sexually experienced. I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t had many sexual partners. In fact, I’ve done kinky things more than I’ve done certain sexual things.  I have a healthy sex drive, but as points above indicate, I’m not overly promiscuous.
  17. I find everything about hidden control in public to be incredibly arousing. Remote controlled vibrators, hidden rope harnesses, sneaky bites or pinches, very discreet play in a dark semi-private space – all of these things push my buttons like none other. That said, I highly value privacy and propriety, and have to trust that my partner will protect my reputation.
  18. I love to dance, and at different points in my life I’ve taken tap, ballet, hip hop, swing, tango, salsa, and broadway dance classes (some for much longer than others). Jazz/broadway style and hip hop are where most of my background lies. This is most relevant sexually in terms of my flexibility, which tends to surprise people a bit. I find ballroom dancing especially to be a great manifestation of power control, and a man who can spin me around a dance floor or keep up at a club is a whole different type of sexy.
  19.  I had a traumatic childhood experience with inter-female sexuality, and as a result I’m very, very hesitant to do anything sexual with a girl. I’ve loosened up on this a bit more over the last year, and am more open to playing in a kinky way with a female – especially as part of a couple who is topping me – but it’s still an often uncomfortable zone for me.
  20. Orgasms are strange for me. I can have a “mini” climax rather easily, but I’ve only had more intense orgasms a few times. Climaxes and shuddering from pain are their own separate category of pleasure. Too frequently, I get performance anxiety, especially in public play scenarios.
  21. I love to cuddle! I adore hugs and snuggling, and once you’ve welcomed it I’ll forever be happy to be a cuddle buddy. These feelings are amplified tenfold after a scene.
  22. More than I ever thought I would, I like edge play. The bite of fear thrills me. My reaction to fear scares me sometimes, but I do enjoy it. I’m curious about takedowns, kidnapping things, etc. (but only with role play).
  23. I’m entirely too curious for my own good. My curiosity has led me to try things I would never have considered, and usually I’m a “try it once before ruling it out” kind of person. There are many things that are going to take a lot of time, finding the right person, the right level of trust, etc. to do, but there are few things that I would rule out forever.
  24. I enjoy a dynamic where my partner is amused by my antics. I am very easily amused, and humor is important to me even during play. I enjoy it when my partner is also amused or is amused by my amusement, if that makes sense. That knowing, slightly condescending, stern look touched with humor can get me every time. Enjoying this dynamic is a large part of why I usually play with and date men who are older than myself. I’m not opposed to a younger guy, but I’ve yet to feel that same dynamic with a younger man. I will point out here, though, that there is a fine line, and if the condescension steps across it I become incredibly snarky and pissed off.
  25. I’m driven by my desire to make those around me happy. I vigilantly strive to please people. This drives my more submissive side. My snarky, independent side has spawned a switch-y being who may emerge at some point in the future, but it would definitely be more of a service top thing.

Times Are A-Changing

It’s odd, really, because it’s now been well over a year since I started blogging. It’s been an exercise in thoughtfulness, really, and has been inordinately helpful as this past year has been ridiculously stressful.

Today has been reflective, which has been great. I have my apartment to myself for several days since I’m not going home for the holiday (and my roommates did), and I took today off work to kind of rejuvenate. I took care of some friends’ animals, got some food for tomorrow – I’m potlucking with two friends who stayed in the city, and went shopping. It was interesting buying clothes; I’m almost unable to shop in the larger women’s store. I bought three things, each in a different size, and two were in the smallest size available in the store. Because I’m bigger on the bottom than the top, I’m not quite out of the store, but it was an interesting experience. I also finally found some rain boots, and given the weather situation lately I’m very thankful for it!

With that, I’m almost to my 5% weight loss goal. I think this week will be it, assuming that I exercise self control tomorrow. I’m also planning to hit the gym in the morning and hopefully this weekend to help out. I might actually break out the Wii alone. I’m weird, I normally only play the Wii with other people.

Work has been great lately. It got very, very hectic for a few weeks, and then the last few days it slowed down a bit more. I’ve been given a lot of responsibility from several different avenues, and I’ve consistently gotten good feedback. It’s gratifying, and I love the work I’m doing which helps. I have my mid-point evaluation next week, I believe, and I’ve already been told it’s going to go well. I only hope the budget situation lends itself to hiring so I can stay on post-graduation!

Because the budget isn’t certain, I’m going to be starting my job search. This is primarily my goal for this holiday – I need to apply to all the jobs I’ve found. It’s sort of like an entirely separate course on top of everything else, because it is time consuming, especially if you want a chance at getting a job. A lot of the people I know in Pittsburgh have found jobs, especially within the healthcare program, which makes me feel behind.

School is going well. We’re entering the final range…I’ve got two papers, a speech, and a final left for the semester. I’m doing well in my courses thus far, so I hope to finish strong. Next semester, we really kick into high gear with our capstone project. I’m a little concerned about the time demands, but I’m looking forward to the challenge. I’m trying to learn to channel my competitive spirit better.

I went to kinky happy hour this week again, for the first time in several weeks. It was nice seeing people, and it’s interesting how my interests have evolved. I took that kinky quiz again, and this time it went Experimental, Bondage, Masochist, Switch, Submissive… Submissive was actually at 59%, compared to the 93% it used to be. I think this reflects my mood lately well. I very much enjoy bottoming to pain, and I adore bondage, especially with rope. I still enjoy pleasing my partner and making people happy. I like direct, blunt, relatively authoritative, strong men. That said, I’m also incredibly stubborn, occasionally outspoken, and very independent. I like to push back, I don’t like it being assumed that I’m going to just sit back and take it. I understand that when I’m submitting, I agree to sit back and take it… but I’m less inclined to do so. Maybe it’s just a matter of not finding the right person, but I’m more on the kinkster/open-minded side than the submissive side recently.

I think part of this is that when I first got involved in kink in my fantasies, I was very young and inexperienced. Submission in part meant that I didn’t have to know what I was doing. As I’ve gained confidence in myself and I’ve gained experience – both sexually and in general as I’ve dated more and gain more comfort with men over the last few years, I have more of a desire to occasionally switch it up. I’m open to tying someone up, having my way with them. I don’t want to be in control all the time, or wear the pants in the relationship, but in the bedroom I want to be free to experiment outside of a particular role. I want to break out of the box! And yes, on some levels, someone expecting me to be submissive is kind of a box right now.

I also attribute part of this mentality to the level of stress in my life. Pain and bondage during sex is still a method of escapism from the stress and control of my life. Submission in a relationship, however, adds to the stress level. I just don’t have the time to put someone else first all the time, to be in service, or to accomodate that. When I’m spending time in a nonsexual way with someone, I want to argue and banter, have fun, and not be constantly focused on doing the right thing or following rules. Sexually, sure, I’m all yours. I might occasionally jump you and have my way too, but more often than not, I’m all yours. Outside the bedroom, nope, not my thing right now.

At the same time, I do realize and acknowledge that confidence, bluntness, and some level of take-charge/competitive/snarky dominance is incredibly attractive and sexy to me. Additionally, open-mindedness and kink-friendly is a must. I like exploring things and trying new things. If my sex life isn’t free to experiment, I’m also going to feel cages. Similarly, I want to be free to talk about my deepest fantasies too. So, vanilla folks are out, at least most of them.

Add in monogamous tendencies and compatibility, and BAM my pool of people just shrunk hardcore. Given the utter lack of time in my life, though, this likely isn’t a bad thing.