My “First” Suspension

I was suspended this weekend, and it was awesome.

I had been suspended once before, but in many ways I don’t think it counts. I was very skeptical of the whole thing, and last September a local well-seasoned rope man strung some rope into a swing and had me sit in it, lean back and added some more ropes so that I wasn’t touching the floor at all. It was fun, comfortable, and showed me that yes, rope does hold.

Since then, I’ve concentrated mainly on floor and partial suspension work. I love hogties and predicaments, ball ties and shrimp ties. Who am I kidding, I love all rope. I met rope people and played with rope people, but I was afraid to ask people to suspend me. Most of the people getting suspended are super tiny, petite folks, and I’m not that at all. I didn’t want to ask and be told I’m too heavy, so I just held off.

Recently, I self-suspended at a local event and that allayed some of my residual hesitancy. I realized that you can lean into and lift into suspensions in ways that don’t require the rigger to lift your body weight. That, combined with more knowledge of nerve placement and an increase in fuller-figured women in rope on fetlife (and threads about that), and I started to get more comfortable. The real clincher was trusting my rope partner. I brought up suspension several weeks ago to indicate my interest in a “if you’re into it, I’d be into it” type of way. I figured that gave him an out if he didn’t feel comfortable with it, and left it at that. Well, this weekend he suggested we try a suspension, and I was all for it.

I was nervous and afraid that it would hurt too much or something wouldn’t be able to hold me, essentially that I’d make an awful spectacle of myself. Instead, things went splendidly. We did a side suspension. I started off in a TK (chest harness), and then he added support to my right thigh and leg and tied me into a partial suspension. I then lifted up my other leg and he tied it up as well before adding some ropes around my waist and ankles.

Suspension is amazingly freeing. Escaping is even less feasible than floor ties, only squirming leaves you spinning. The loss of grounding left me feeling even more out of control, which was right up my alley. There was a little pain where my weight was mostly being held off of ropes around my thigh, but I enjoyed that too because it was just enough to keep me in the moment.

In other rope news…still waiting on my Maui Kink rope order of hemp and coconut. I did purchase about 200 feet of Jute from a local seller, and I’m in love with it. It’s rough, scratchy, and smells divine.

I will say that the one benefit to a monogamous rope relationship would be that I’d always have a guaranteed partner for classes. There’s a predicament bondage class coming up next week that I’d love to check out, but I don’t have a partner for the class. I don’t want to pay and drive all the way to Baltimore only to be the awkward girl in the corner with no one to play with. Or, almost worse, since it’s a predicament class, to be paired with a really creepy stranger. Stinks.

2012 Kink Resolutions

2012 Kinky Resolutions:
  • Continue to learn more about rope and attempt rigging on another person for the first time
  • Be tied up more, including suspension and the reverse prayer position (get photos!)
  • Experience a scene with electrical play (violet wand or tens unit, not stun gun/cattle prod/taser)
  • Try knife play with cutting or needles that pierce the skin
  • Try hot wax and ice cubes
  • Find someone to make out with semi-regularly who knows WTF they’re doing*
  • Going with the above – find a consistent play partner, whether rigger, sadist, or both, with or without some form of more intimate benefits*
  • Don’t let others (even inadvertently) pressure me out of sticking to my own ethical/moral standard
  • Attend a Dark Odyssey Happy hour, a Baltimore rope event, and a DCDungeon event (closed before happened)
  • Figure out a fetish outfit that is flattering, affordable, and easy on/off for scene events/play

*Finding a kinky someone I’m interested in on a more romantic level would more than satisfy these two bullets in terms of resultions.

2011 Recap and 2012 Vanilla Resolutions

Best parts of last year:

  • Going whitewater tubing and flatwater tubing at Harpers Ferry
  • Visiting Old Town Alexandria and Annapolis multiple times with some of my favorite DC folks
  • Getting my summer internship exactly where I want; winning the Friedman award and being able to accept the internship I wanted over the summer in DC
  • Placing in top 5 for the social analytix case competition this spring
  • Finalizing my apprenticeship and finding a job I absolutely love; more importantly, discovering what I’m good at and what things are essential to have present in my future career
  • Getting involved in the DC kink community, including attending my first play parties with special recognition for Rapture and DC Rope people
  • Rocking out at optimization, linear programming, and learning to master Excel; finding things I excel at
  • Spending spring break in Gulf Shores and New Orleans with wonderful people
  • All the time spent with family (Boston, Indiana, Arkansas, Ohio)
  • Throwing myself into the real world and putting myself out there in terms of dating, relationships, and men; gaining confidence in my ability to attract men
  • Going to Harvard for a conference, attending the ARPA-E conference in DC, getting published (even if just as a co-writer of a conclusion)
  • Making amazing friends in the Pittsburgh Kink community and at CMU
  • Seeing capitol steps, my first opera, the Pittsburgh symphony, Les Mis, and other really fun art events
  • Getting my health on track – lost 40lbs from December ’10 to December ’11, and got in overall better shape
  • Discovering and exploring my masochism, becoming more comfortable with my kink, and learning more about where my boundaries are in terms of relational roles and power exchange

2012 Vanilla Resolutions:

  • Find a full-time, post-graduation job
  • Graduate with my Masters…this should be a no-brainer.
  • Line up recommendation letters/references from graduate school professors
  • Incorporate forecasting, simulations, or scoring models into our systems project (didn’t happen, but opportunity passed)
  • Join a profession organization and attend an event; alumni groups from undergrad/sorority do count
  • Learn how to do macros and refresh on pivot tables in Excel
  • Organize addresses/phone numbers/passwords
  • Write/call/email friends at least once per month
  • Practice my french to recapture proficiency
  • Travel to at least one new destination (hopefully more than one, and include an overseas location)
  • Exercise in some way at least three times a week
  • Continue to work on involving friends (or finding new ones to involve) in active things, such as hiking/long walks/kayaking/tennis/dancing. Concrete goal: Do an activity like this at least once per month until graduation, more frequently after.
  • Drink more water, 4+ glasses a day
  • Write at least two more short (erotic) stories
  • Learn more about photography and work on developing a photorama of DC


Pre-Rope Camp

I’m nervous about rope camp this weekend. You know, all the typical things – what to wear, what to bring, so many new people, so many things I don’t know, anxiety x100… At the same time, I’m pretty excited. Lew Rubens is going to be presenting on predicament bondage. I’m not sure if I’ll go to “Responsibilities of a bottom,” “yoga for bottoms,” “partial suspensions,” or Lee Harrington’s class on energy… we’ll see. Midori is doing what looks like a neat class, but I’d need to borrow a rope top. I’m content to sit and watch and learn, but obviously I’d love to be tied up too.

In other news, my internship ends Friday. This summer has FLOWN by. I met with the Deputy Chief of Staff today, though, and she reaffirmed my career choices and path thus far, and it was pretty gratifying. I’m very excited to start my new job this fall. In the interim, I’ll be kink-free, but I’ll get to see my family. I’ll be visiting parents, sister, and grandmother, connecting with high school and college friends, then back to DC for orientation/starting classes, then to Boston to see the aunt and uncle. Time. Flies.

More Event Attendance

I went to another event last night, this time rope-centered. A lot of things worked out well – the drive wasn’t bad, the people were nice, and I got to play with rope :).

Thing is, rope play begets want of more rope play…and more…and more. Vicious cycle, really.

It still surprises me sometimes how focused so many rope folk tend to be on suspensions. I think it was Graydancer who recently had a post on floorwork and how it gets overlooked. I’ve never been fully suspended, so that’s my bias, but floorwork can be such an intimate, fulfilling experience, and it saddens me that it gets overlooked. There is much more room for touching and caressing with the rope. I know a lot of tops wonder what to do after the ties have been tied, especially if the play partners aren’t in a sexual relationship, but I know that on my end as a bottom I could just revel in the feelings for a good long while with nothing else.

I’ve also been wondering what people do to clean/sanitize their toys. It seems a lot of people have no problem sharing toys, which is great, but if they’re used in certain areas they can get covered in fluids. I don’t know about anyone else, but fluids aren’t my friend unless I’ve discussed it and know the person very, very well. Leather tends to hold fluid, too. I’m honestly curious and unsure about the sanitization procedures and etiquette. I’m going to have to look into it more.

The Allure of Rope Bondage

Tie me, bind me, entice me with your bondage. Capture me, restrain me, seduce me with your rope.

Can you tell what is on my mind?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want, what I’m seeking long term, and how my reality measures up to that. I’ve been struggling with casual v. serious, and what things I’m willing to do outside of a committed relationship. I don’t want to make decisions that make me question who I am or what I stand for.

I think it is possible to play outside of a relationship without it being a negative thing, but it is still a fine line for me. Play inspires certain feelings in me, and that tends to intensify my trust, respect, admiration, and attraction to the person I’m playing with (unless it goes poorly, in which case replace those words with their antonyms).  I have to be careful not to get overly attached to those who are not romantically interested in me. As a result, I’m trying to be slightly more aware of my surroundings. It isn’t easy.

In the meantime, I’m going to go to the rope bite meeting tomorrow night. It will be held at a private residence, which is sort of nerve-wracking for me, but it isn’t too far from my house so I figured I can make it out. It gives me a deadline to stop studying, too, which is probably a good thing. Plus, I am really, really craving rope.

I’ve mentioned before I like strict rope bondage. I’m pretty flexible, and I want to be entirely helpless, completely unable to move. Hell, I can just stay that way peacefully by myself for a bit and be in a good place, I don’t even need to anything else to happen. Of course, pain, teasing, etc. is all fun, but right now I’m really just wanting the rope above and beyond anything else.

I was thinking last night of different bondage positions that are intriguing. This photo particularly caught my eye: http://fetlife.com/users/143295/pictures/2314927. If you scan to the previous photo, you can see the multi-colored rope. I love the artistry of the photo.

I’d love something similar, only with less leverage (shorter distance from ankles to wrists). Moreover, I think it’d be especially fun with harsher/more restrictive bondage around the chest area. What can I say, good chest harnesses just really emphasize the helpless factor to me.

Thing is, I crave the entire experience. The smell of the hemp or jute, the rough but worn feel as it caresses my skin almost as an afterthought, moving slowly around as a tie is wrapped or completed. The slight strain in my shoulders as a hogtie is pulled tighter and tighter until it is just tight enough that I can barely squirm. The swelling of my chest, and the rasping of carpet against my increasingly sensitive skin… I want all of it. Clothed, unclothed. Sexual, asexual.

It seems bizarre, sometimes, to crave something like that. It isn’t a dessert, or a song that gets stuck in my head. It’s the feeling of letting go that I want to capture. I appreciate not having to worry about my fidgeting or my restlessness – it puts me at peace. It isn’t the same as serving, and getting the pleasure of pleasing my Dom, but there are some elements of being the proper canvass for the person I’m playing with that appeal.

In another sense, I’d almost be better off as a rope top myself. I know many ties, I appreciate the artistry of it, and it is kind of like a puzzle. I also can be pretty inventive in positioning. That said, outside the artistic factor, I have no desire to have someone at my mercy (excepting certain circumstances where I sexually would have my way with my partner, but those are few and far between).

Rambling Thoughts, Jan 5-6

No night terror last night = win.

In other news, I’m going back to Pittsburgh with what feels like more crap than I had when I moved. I know, that’s an exageration, but seriously it will take me about 6 trips to get all this stuff into my apartment. I think I overdid it on the shopping…but letting my mom buy me nonperishables and free laundry is worth it.

I am getting seriously excited to see all my Pittsburgh people again. I am a bit nervous about all the busy-ness that is coming my way, though — between working 10 hrs/wk, taking 60 units, being active in 3 extracurriculars, seeing my friends, and participating in kink events, my time is going to be GONE. That’s how I like it, really.

I’ve also decided that I am going to work on focusing on improving what I want to about myself, with no comparisons to anyone else’s expectations or feedback. Namely, no comparisons, no jealousy, no crazy, and no drama. And yes, I used the oxford comma – it’s the only way.  I’m also going to try to understand the whole “I’m afraid to be a masochist” thing.

For a different note of randomness, I realized how much I enjoy primping. When I have the time and some spare change, here comes the teeth whitening and nail polish! Being a girl has moments of satisfaction. Although, in theory, those two specific examples could be enjoyed by either sex.

Post-holidays, I also ended up with a whip/tickler thing. What was meant as a gift for a friend for the holidays ended up mine due to travel plans getting changed around. Can’t say I mind too much, but that one definitely requires a partner for use. Oh – I get to use my new vibrator for the first time this weekend when I get back, which is really exciting. I’ve always had mediocre, never mind-blowing orgasms, and I’m hoping this thing will change that around.

And, because my kink world got really busy, I need to decide if I should go to a play party on Saturday. I’m sort of afraid to go alone, since I don’t really know anyone other than the host, and him only from a brief meeting… but it’s a free night for me, and a chance to learn and explore. I have to make up my mind soon.

Similarly, I have to determine what I’m going to do about the kink event in January (giant dungeon party) that I registered for that my security-blanket BFF didn’t get to (the event sold out early). I either get some balls and show up alone, or sell my ticket to someone else. I know people attending, but since it’s a play party, I don’t want to stand in a corner not playing…but I don’t really know what else to do/how to approach people and things. There was a slave auction that could have mitigated the options for me, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.

My insecurity/shyness about attending these events drives me crazy. I’m seriously only ever unsure when it comes to kinky sexuality things. The rest of the time, watch out. That’s another 2011 goal – get the hell over it, suck it up, and treat the kinky world just as I do the professional world and own it. Who cares if people don’t think it’s fitting for a submissive – I submit to those who earn it.