Adulthood

I’ve been on an effort to be more “adult-like” and try new things, most of which has been represented in purchasing things.

I bought oranges this weekend for the first time ever. I think I tried to peel one once in my childhood, and couldn’t get the white crap all off, so I never tried again. I’ve eaten cut up slices when they are at restaurants, but having my own orange is a new thing. We’ll see how Heloise v. Orange goes today. (update: I succeeded and it was delicious.)

I bought mouthwash, too. I haven’t used mouthwash in forever. It used to be painful so I hated it, then it was gross so I hated it. My new mouthwash and I started off rocky. I bought Listerine, and I didn’t realize it’s 21% alcohol. It’s murderously painful. I lasted maybe 30 of the recommended 60 seconds. Hopefully time will make my gums less sensitive to it.

When I was at a friend’s wedding a few weeks back, I had my makeup done by a friend, and she used foundation. My regular makeup routine (and by regular, I mean when I have a date/plans) is to do tinted lip gloss, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, and maybe some under eye cream stuff. Curling my eyelashes was as complex as it got. Part of my lack of makeup stems from the fact that I’m blessed with a pretty good complexion – I have freckles and I naturally blush a decent amount. I used to wear a bunch of makeup for performances in high school, but that was a decade ago. That said, I looked good with makeup on for this wedding, so I decided to splurge and I bought eye primer, foundation, and blush. I need bronzer, but that’s a step ahead. Yay beauty routines!

There have been other “adulthood” things I’ve been working on, but figured it was time for a flashback to the blog’s old days of randomness.

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Assorted Random Things

I bought an incredibly sexy pair of heels today; they’re this perfect fuschia color, about 3 inches, closed toe suede pumps. They are fabulous. I want to wear them everywhere, with everything.

The weekend was good, busy as usual. I need to slow down. I have been so busy, and the next few weeks look equally busy. It’s   a fine balance…part of me thinks if I had more down time I’d be productive, the other part thinks I’d get really overly emotional. I’d crave even more strongly letting go for a weekend. Sometimes I wish I had much lower standards.

Work has been ridiculously political as of late. I may have gotten a promotion…at least the promise of one. Our head dude said he wants me to run my next project. That responsibility should be with folks 4 grades above me. The deputy may not be on the same page, so it’s uncertain if it’ll happen. Word leaked, and it’s already pissing folks off. There are 3 people in my office younger than me (cue: I’m one of the youngest). There are people with far more experience than myself who haven’t gotten to run their own projects. It’s frustrating to them that I would be given the chance. On the one hand, I understand. If I were in their place, I’d probably feel the same way. They haven’t worked with me, so in their eyes, what makes me different? On the other hand, I know, as do my direct manager, the guy above him, the head dude, and a few tertiary folks, that I’ve been running our job. I have a lot to learn, and I’m far from perfect, but I do my job well. It’s gratifying to be recognized as excelling at what I do – I still maintain this field is perfect for me. The particulars of my office are shaky sometimes, but the field is still well-suited.

Kinky Shopping = #ballgagfail

I decided to purchase new kinky stuff for the first time in a while, and the first set of things arrived yesterday. I ordered a book on rope by Two Knotty Boys, a replacement bullet vibrator, a wartenberg wheel (hasn’t arrived yet), and a ball gag. The book is good, and there are some interesting harnesses. The vibrator is the exact same as the one it is replacing, so nothing special. I mean, for $5, lasting almost a year was impressive and I like the thing.

The gag, however, was a huge disappointment. I got this one: pink ball gag. Basically, I can’t fit the frigging thing in my mouth at all. There wasn’t a diameter on amazon, and upon further research – I found the same one on another site – I think it’s a 2″ one. Given my funky jaw tendencies (TMJ-like things going on), a larger one wouldn’t be great anyhow, but I didn’t realize it’d be impossible. Anyhow, I am trying again, only this time I got a “training set” from a kinky website that comes with 3 different sized balls. I figured this way, one of them has to work out.

I’ve always been hesitant to buy my own toys, in part because of storing them and also because usually I don’t need them. Most times, whichever person I’m playing with has all of the things I’d want to use or they’d want to use, so why spend money on it? As time passes, however, I’ve realized that there are certain things that seem strange to share with other people. I mean, even if it’s been cleaned thoroughly and sterilized, do I want something that’s been lodged in another’s mouth in my mouth? Not really. Or, as with the w.wheel, with something that can puncture/abrade skin, I’d prefer to not risk sharing it. This is the reason behind wanting my own coconut rope before using it as a crotch rope (I still need to order that…).

Even more, owning something myself means I can see if I like something or am freaked out by it in the privacy of my bedroom. I don’t want to get panicky or have something go poorly in the middle of play if I can avoid it, and if spending $20 means I can try it myself first, it’s worth it. And, of course, if I end up really liking something, then I have it to play with alone or with a partner who doesn’t own it.

C’est la vie.

Good things:

  • found affordable black heels
  • bought some kink-appropriate clothing
  • sex drive returned full speed ahead
  • found someone to stay with to split my drive up en route back to DC
  • family members got engaged
  • I won an auction for Dark Odyssey Winter Fire ($100, normally $170)

Bad things:

  • have to leave in a day and may not see family for another 5 months
  • three of my cousins are now getting married this year, plus my friend from college (the wedding I’m in). April, July, November, December… There is no way I can afford them all, and I want to go to all of them!
  • a ‘nilla friend will be in town next weekend, which means I can only sneak away one night of the weekend, meaning I can’t go to Rapture this month (and just when I’d finally got the nerve to ask someone to do some cutting)

Keep Going On

Another week gone by. This week was when things got busy and stressful. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t realize it would come now.

Work this week was very busy, but good. I got to present part of a briefing in front of congressional staff, I answered questions, and got a great review from the Director (big guy). I learned some new skills, and overall impressed my colleagues, which was good. I’m still not sure if I’ll be able to work there past February, but I got some good leads from my program director in case that does happen.

I wasn’t invited to an outing for someone’s birthday on Wednesday, which was kind of upsetting. I wouldn’t have gone, since it ended up being a crazy evening and I had to do all this stuff to prepare for the briefing, but it did hurt my feelings. It’s upsetting when none of your friends even thinks to send you the quick text/email/call with the time and place. I know it wasn’t intentional, but even so, that means I’m just that far off their radar. As a result, I ended up getting really homesick on Wednesday and Thursday. Not going home until December is hitting me a bit hard.

I also realized I spent way too much money in the last two weeks. On necessary things, yes, but still. It’s scary how quickly money can go. I need to budget better for the next few months.

This weekend was great, though. I saw Les Mis at the Kennedy Center, got to eat some amazing ethiopian food, and spent time with really good friends. It was nice hanging out and having a good time with these friends. I haven’t hung out socially with the roommates in a long time (weeks!), and so I really needed to feel included and whatnot. It’s like they are my family, and when we never hang out I feel family-less. I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of people I’ve met through the kinky community, and that’s taken a toll on my vanilla friendships.

The Fetish Ball was good, though. I got to play with a few lovely sadistic folks, and had a few lasting marks. I even teared up, which was new for me.

I’ve realized just how busy I am this week, though. I got offered a job at a retail store, and I realized that I really only have a few scant hours each week to do fun things. If I don’t do grocery shopping, laundry, errands, etc on the weekend, then it doesn’t get done and I end up exhausted with less money. I have assignments due for Monday and Thursday classes, so then I have to do that prior to class (aka Sunday and Wednesday). If I go to kinky happy hour on Tuesday, then my week is full other than Friday and Saturday. Since I’m going out of town this weekend, all my time is gone.

The issue is, when people want to make plans, when do I make them for? I want to see people too, and I feel guilty for not ever being able to hang out. I really can’t control my schedule much right now either, though, so then it just stresses me out. I can’t wait until I no longer am in school AND trying to work AND trying to live kinky and vanilla lives. It’s a bit much right now.

Another thing this week that sucked was missing the Deloitte resume drop deadline, so then I got super-serious about my job search. I’m worried I won’t have a job when I graduate.

On a positive note, I lost another 2lbs, and I bought a suit 2 sizes smaller than my last one.  I’ve got a better handle on the vitamin and nutrition angle, and things are going well there.

I’m not as angsty as this post may lead some to believe, I’m just uncertain about somethings and had an up and down week. Overall, things in life are still pretty great, there is just a LOT going on.

Ice Ice Baby

My apartment is frigid. We have no heat currently, my room has two huge windows, and my room is very large. Combined, it’s ice cold. I’m wearing sweatshirts and every blanket I have, and I’m still cold.

I’m also craving pain like an addict. I’m longing for a good, intense flogging/paddling/whipping. While I adore nipple pain and torment, it’s an entirely different type of endorphin and feeling. It’s been a long time since my limits have been pushed with implements.

It’s getting to the point when I’ve got things planned several weeks out…time is seriously flying. Craziness! I only have two more classes of budget policy, which is pretty amazing. Then we switch to global health.

I keep going back and forth between being afraid of and nervous about a long term D/s relationship versus excited (as opposed to purely a bedroom thing or simple bottoming). Power exchange has huge appeal to me, and on many levels I think it would be very liberating. On the other hand, when I’m as busy as I am now I could see myself getting easily frustrated by rules and priorities and just generally getting pissed off by an expectation that I would submit. At the same time, when I’m most likely to feel like that, I’m most likely to need a good pain session…so maybe it’d all work out?

I’m almost afraid to try. You spend all this time thinking you want something, but really, who knows without trying it? What happens if I try it and it doesn’t work for me at all? I almost feel traitorous entering into a relationship when I’m uncertain about the nature of it. I guess I’m still trying to figure out what balance of D/s and vanilla I need to maximize happiness for all involved. I’m comforted by my young age – I know I at least have time to figure it out. I’m really in no hurry at all.

In other randoms…I bought a new raincoat and super cute heeled boots this weekend, I got paid (even though 1/4 was taken for taxes 😦 ), I got to spend time with a variety of good friends over the last few days, and I’m still doing well at work. I also finally got to catch up with my friend whose mom died, which was a relief. I’m glad she’s making it through ok.