Why do I like being hit?

Someone asked me this today, and it made me think a lot on why I enjoy pain. I hadn’t visited the subject in a while, so it took some processing. Here’s my general thoughts on the matter.

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with pain, and it definitely depends on the purpose/context. Where did it come from? Probably, like my desire for submission, from some combination of things in my past that involved me having to maintain strict control over myself, my emotions, — too deep and not pertinent. The real question here is – Why do I choose to engage in behaviors that involve me receiving pain? A variety of reasons:

  1. Emotional release. I find it difficult to let go and cry sometimes, even when I really need to. Pain can provide an excuse to cry without feeling like I’m being irrational. It’s a catalyst, of sorts. I’ve found stingy pain gets me to this point much more quickly, but isn’t always as satisfying.
  2. Focus. I find it hard sometimes to stop thinking and just feel. Pain makes me think of only it, the person administering it, and what’s happening in the moment between us. That, in turn, allows me to just feel and enjoy things instead of over-thinking them. Additionally, if I’m really stressed or anxious about something, pain is something else I can’t help but focus on instead. (So is submitting in general, with or without pain.)
  3. Challenge. I like pushing myself, and seeing what my body can do.
  4. Fun (ie sexy) endorphins. Pain in certain places, from certain implements, with certain people can get me off in and of itself. Namely, thuddy pain in the ass region with someone I am attracted to, or any type of pain to the nipples with someone I’m attracted to, or rough body play/biting with someone I’m attracted to (notice the trend there?).
  5. Control. Pain is a physical manifestation of power exchange. Every spank can reemphasize that I am submitting to this person, that I am letting them have control over me, that I trust them not to harm me and to stop if need be. It hurts, but I’m letting them do so because it pleases them, which satisfies a deeper mental submissive desire on my end. If they enjoy hurting me, then I’ll get off on it all the more.

I am not an exhibitionist at all. I will go to public events when I know many people going in order to hang out with friends, to take a class, to play with specific equipment, or for the safety element with a newer partner. When I first got involved in the DC scene, I was much more open to casual/pick-up play, so I went out a lot. I learned quickly though that most of my motivations for play stem from deeper desires – D/s, personal expression, sexual – and I’m not very comfortable doing those things with strangers or in public. Because of that, I think 2 and 3 above are the only motivations that ever really came out in the public-playspace type setting. Maybe 4, in rarer instances.

Since that realization, I’ve only played with S&m things a handful of times. (This is also because things like 1 and 5 require much deeper trust and people who are willing to take care of what they break down, which is harder to find and do in shorter instances or with people you’re not in an ongoing relationship with.) All of the above still applies, I’ve just been much choosier in how I engage in those activities.

Back to Basics: Kinky

I went to the introductory kink night at our local dungeon this weekend. Originally I intended to take a newbie friend, but I ended up going because a man I met some time ago was hoping for a familiar face. I wasn’t sure what to expect for a few reasons: 1) I’m not a newbie, and I don’t need beginner lessons anymore, 2) I hadn’t been to the club in several months, and 3) I had no idea what dynamic was going to play out with the person I went with.

Overall, it was a good night. It was nice sort of watching and taking in all the kink stuff again. As per usual, I learned a few things that merited introspection.

First, I’m a know it all. I hate it about myself. I noticed it last night, and now I can’t stop noticing it. When I understand something, I take great joy in getting to share that knowledge. When someone asks me a question, it opens the door for all this (sometimes unwanted or unwarranted  information sharing. Basically, I need to watch carefully to make sure I don’t volunteer too much information, and I don’t give my opinion unless asked.

Second, I’m weird with naked people. I’ve known this, in that I’m much more modest than most, but I figured it out a bit. I don’t mind nudity at all if it’s with a lover or all that much if it’s a friend I know very, very well.  If it’s a stranger, I’m a tad discomforted, but it isn’t a big deal. Now, if it’s someone I’ve only met once or twice but anticipate hanging out with or seeing somewhat frequently, it totally freaks me out to see them naked. This came up in a conversation with a new contact from CollarMe recently too – I don’t like nude/dick photos or phone sex until after I’ve met someone in person, preferably not until we’ve done sexy things in person that merit me seeing them. It’s way too awkward for me otherwise.

Third, I need to boost my confidence. People want to play with me, and people find me and my reactions beautiful. Not everyone will, but those who disagree with that shouldn’t be who I judge myself on. The cane demo Top last night was very enthusiastic about me, telling me I’m beautiful and my reactions merit being in porn. I’ve had multiple partners reiterate how gorgeous I am when I climax…so I need to embrace that.

Lastly, I love impact play. I reallly, really, really love spanking and paddles. There’s just something so unbelievably hot about it, especially when paired with bondage. I got a few gentler spanks last night, and all it did was tease. I want more, harder. It sucks too, because I’m all submissive and shit and I hate asking people things. I would have totally gone for a much harder spanking with the person I went with last night, but I had no clue if that’s something he would have been game for, and I wasn’t going to ask.

Playing is fun

Shocker, right?

I’m in a spank-happy place right now. I can only imagine what it would be like to have pain regularly…I think I would be a lot more centered.

I also have yet to experience significant pain while being bound, or while being sexually stimulated. I can only imagine the type of reaction it will bring. Whoever gets to be that lucky man will have to be prepared. Someday!

Besides that, I’ve had a great weekend! I did all my homework (kicked some ass at this hard monte carlo/crystal ball forecasting stuff), did laundry, grocery shopped, made awesome dinner with friends, hung out with some kinky folk, did more homework, hung out with different kinky folk, discovered a new part of town, saw the movie “Paul,” got to roll around in a grocery cart, and got to enjoy some sadistic teasing and spanking.  Productivity and fun in a bunch of ways – what more could I want?

Birthday Day!

I’m 23 today… exciting stuff. Yay birthday!

I got a super sweet card from a bunch of my friends, a wonderful lunch, and lots of “Happy Birthdays.”  We’re going to go out to celebrate in style on Friday night, as well. I love that my friends here are so genuine and caring. <3.

Then, I went to the TNG Munch tonight for the first time. At first I was withdrawn, as I always am in new groups, but I got to talking to people and it was good. It was a little weird at one point for me since someone else brought cake for her birthday, which was sad since no one knew it was mine…but then the woman I was talking to tattled to other people and everyone sung to me. Humiliating, but sweet. Of course, that led to birthday spanks and hugs…which surprisingly broke the ice for me in a good way.

Now it’s just time to get a real birthday spanking, one that actually hurts :).

In other news, positive birthday event – new vibrating toy arriving in the mail.

I don’t have a catchy title

Last night was a whole host of interesting. Yesterday on the whole was, really.

First I got to work on my campaign finance paper. I may have mentioned one guy in our group is an expert on the topic, so I’ve been more than a little intimidated to work on the paper. He very much supports the Act, and I wasn’t as confident in it. Well, I was able to prove him wrong about some of the language in the bill, and I held my own debating it, and got im to concede. It pretty much made my day. That, and I forgot how much fun it is to be intellectually challenged when  I’ve researched the topic at hand. It almost (almost!) makes me miss mock trial.

Then, I found an apartment for next year that will cost only $2000 for 3 people – in DC! With free parking, 2 blocks to metro, and all utilities included. I pray to God that the place is as nice as it seems when we see it next week.

After that, I headed over to Macys to try to pick up another suit of some sort. Turns out, they’re having a massive sale, and this Macys was giant! I was able to get a suit, a career dress, a winter jacket, and a button down all for only $150. The coat alone is normally $280. Getting a bargain always cheers me up.

I moved on to the kinky meetup thing in my area, and got to meet a bunch of new people. I got to talk energy policy with an energy trader (always fun for me, again back to discussing things I know a lot about). I got a few good book recommendations. I got to be more myself around kinky people, which is always a challenge for me. For some reason, when I’m around people that know I’m submissive, I get way quieter/shier than I normally do. It’s like my brain thinks it’s ok to revert to that, whereas I push past it in my normal interactions out of necessity.

A few of us moved on to someone’s house for an “afterparty,” which ended up being super fun.  I got to be tied up quite a bit, and flogged. It’s kind of funny, though – I’ve never been just flogged. I’ve experienced it two times now, and both times my reactions to the pain weren’t quite enough so the Top has brought out more evil toys. I think a large part of it is that flogging over clothing is not as intense. Either way, I again freaked myself out by how much I generally get off on pain. I really need to get over that uneasiness.

I was in a super good subspacey place, then we started to play this game of sorts, and I kind of freaked out. I don’t know why, but I got sort of confused and embarrassed all at the same time. I think it was that I was afraid of saying the wrong thing with people watching me, combined with drawing even more attention to myself and being forced to come “back to reality” to think about things when I’d been on the verge of subspace. Either way, I feel really bad that I had such a strange reaction. Logically, I realize that the whole thing was a game, and done in good humor, and the people there weren’t judging or anything. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the logic to communicate to my submissive self. I also got to try a tens unit out, which was fascinating. It’s just so bizarre how you can’t control your muscles.

Now I’m in that happy submissive place I get into, and I need to push past it. I have to take an exam, study for an exam, take another exam, add to a paper, pack, print off a bunch of stuff (including resumes!),  turn in timecards late, and hopefully have some time to do laundry, all before I leave mid-afternoon tomorrow. Eep!

Emotional Pain & Physical Pain

I actually dragged myself out of bed to write this out, because I am keeping myself up with it.

I think…no I’m sure that part of the main reason why I am/have been wanting a Dom so much more today, on my awful day, is because I need to cry. I’ve been on edge all day, holding back, not wanting to loose my cool in front of my peers and colleagues. It’s hard. Then, I get home and I can’t cry.

I tend to associate crying with weakness. I rarely do it, and usually only under extreme provocation – frustration usually does it. I would give anything to have a Dom who would force me to release these emotions, and who wouldn’t be afraid of spanking me or whatnot until the breakdown happened.

I internalize, and it drags on me. I feel guilty for letting people down, even when I logically know that it isn’t personal or it isn’t important. I need to be smacked out of it, quite literally.

And of course, the only ways I have to self inflict pain are through clover clamps or cutting. I’m not a cutter, never have been, and don’t plan on it now. So, clover clamps…but I really don’t want or need anything sexual right now, I need pain to release emotionally, and clover clamps are really not a great way to do that.

Anyhow, this is really frank and kind of unedited view into my head right now. I’m really not usually unhappy or emo like this, but seriously today was horrifically awful for a variety of reasons, and it’s catching up to me.

2-11 Randoms

The meeting with the Director of ONDCP went super well. I had a very proud moment when my professor realized – and admitted – that I was right and this one graph should’ve been kept in the presentation. The trip was exhausting, but worthwhile.

This morning, I had an awful midterm. I really hate when exams don’t represent what I actually have learned, and are made exceptionally difficult. Test me on what I need to know, but don’t TRY to make us fail on purpose. When you have to curve something more than 10 points, maaaaybe you’re teaching it poorly?

I’m missing kinky happy hour tonight, which kind of sucks. I really wanted to see and talk to people without filtering. But, my friend is coming in from Indiana, and seeing as how she’s driving over 6 hours to see me, I didn’t want to miss her.

You know how people crave sex sometimes? Or, they just want to cuddle, or make out, etc.? Don’t get me wrong, I want all of those things, but I’ve had the urge lately to give head. I want an extreme spanking, then I want to suck someone off. You know you’re a submissive when… That said, I’m not going to go whore it up at the club, and seeing as how I’m not seeing anyone right now, this is very much not going to happen.

But, my hell week is over! I’m taking a 48 hours break, then I have to start back up on it. I have to write a giant memo on my pot policy stuff, write up the notes and draft an introduction for a book my boss is publishing, do some lovely accounting homework (gag me), and start work on another paper. Woohoo. Less than a month until spring break!

In good news, though, I’ve got another interview for my job next year. I’ve got two lined up at this point. I’ve also applied to 26 places for summer internships… I’m hoping SOMEONE will hire me. Fingers crossed! I also may get to attend this energy summit in DC, where the secretary of energy and arnold schwarzenager are keynotes (among many other people, some of which I hope to work for one day). I hope to find out about tickets in the next few days.

Well, Hell.

I’m enjoying the lingering pain of my spanking waaay too much for my own good. Productivity is way down, submissive mindset is here full-on, and arousal is steady.

I don’t know how I ever doubted my masochism. You know you’re a masochist when you get off from rubbing the inflamed welts, which causes more pain.

Anyhow. I need to shake this off so I can get stuff done. Fluffy sub-space feelings need to be pushed down…which is sad, because I enjoy them. Maybe I can do both, we shall see.

Pain, revisited

I’m a masochist.

There, I said it. (Clearly, this is not easy for me to do.)

I get off on receiving pain. I am turned on by the sadistic, evil gleam in your eye that tells me you are going to be relentless. I like knowing you have the power to torment me. When you’re rough with me, I feel more desired, more cherished, more wanted.

I can take a lot of pain and I don’t mark easily. I like being challenged, and I like seeing how much I can take before having to call uncle. I often take pain quietly, especially in public spaces.  Pain has always been a way for me to express myself in that moment, though I never caused any type of damage to myself. Even more, pain has been a way to focus myself.

I’ve enjoyed all of my kinky and/or sexual experiences with pain. I mean, it hurts, don’t get me wrong, but a second or two later, and I am enjoying a crazy endorphin rush – from both the act of surrender, the clear display of control, the evilness of it, and the endorphins from the pain itself.

…And yet, I’m scared of being a masochist. Mainly, I’m afraid that by saying I’m a masochist, my partner will feel like I want more pain than really do. I’m afraid it gives a man permission to hurt me, even if I don’t want him to. I’m afraid it will go too far, it will be too dangerous, or if I stop enjoying it or don’t enjoy it than I will be disappointing my partner. I’m worried about being the freakiest of the freaky people. I don’t want to like, I don’t want to enjoy it or desire it happening.

I don’t know how much I *need* pain. I am afraid that being a masochist means I won’t be able to be in a relationship without pain involved.

I’m not certain about any of this. I’m not positive about my reactions to all types of pain, or different levels of it, or it in different situations. I am learning, I am exploring. I only hope that as my exploration continues, I learn more about myself and my limits. If I was more positive on what I could handle, and I was able to vocalize it better, I think I’d be more confident saying I’m a masochist. I have to be more careful about who I trust to hurt me or restrain me. I have to be very prudent and safe.

Whatever else, this is a step forward for me. I’m a masochist, and it isn’t the end of the world.

Beatings & Pain

I really want to experience a full-out beating (spanking/caning/flogging/implement of Dom’s choosing). I’ve sampled each of the above, but I’ve never seen how much I could take. I’ve never explored what reactions I would have to an all-out experience, both emotionally and sexually.

I want to know if it will make me wet. I want to know if it would make me cry (which isn’t easy to do). I want to know how much it takes before I start having to vocalize the pain, rather than just take it in silence (which is my default).

I know I’m capable of handling quite a bit of pain. I want to push that limit. I don’t want to be beaten until I’m bleeding, but I want to explore that boundary.

I’d really like to find someone I trusted enough to not stop when I do start saying no. I want to be pushing until I’m on the edge of needing to safeword, pass out, or am all-out sobbing.

It seems extreme, but it’s a curiosity that won’t go away until explored, even if just the one time. I’m not sure that I’ll ever want to have that hard of a beating ever again. I’m sure there are ways to do the beating that will allow me to take it longer and for it to be more arousing, and I’m ok experiencing that aspect of it.

I’m really not big on pain, at least I don’t think I am. I can get more aroused from some pain, like clamps or the samplings of spanking/caning I’ve received, but it’s such a huge uncertainty for me. Blood skeeves me out, as do needles. Electro-play is a level I’d rather not try right way. I do want to explore the correlation between my arousal and pain, especially how they align as the pain level increases.

Even so, the idea of actually doing what I want (what’s listed above) kind of scares the hell out of me. It’ll take a hefty dose of trust and a skilled/observant partner. It will also take a certain comfort or intimacy level, because I can’t be inhibited about vocalization, which tends to happen when I’m not as familiar with someone. Unless the Dom is more observant than most or knows me well enough to make that a non-issue, but either way.