Story Idea and Thoughts on Play

I was fantasizing before bed last night, and I think I finally have some good inspiration for a story. On top of that, of course, it got me thinking about past experiences.

The basic premise of my to-be story is a focus on power exchange, pushing limits, and voluntarily suffering. Basically, instead of utilizing bondage to make someone helpless as in most of my writing, it would be using someone’s submission to her partner’s authority. Instead of being tied down, she must hold herself still. She must offer herself up for the things that are tormenting her – ask for them – even when she is crying from wanting them to stop.

As normally happens when I’m pondering a story idea, I started thinking about logistics, this time in the way of safewords and limits. How could the submissive character’s limits be pushed? How have my limits been pushed? Well, in truth, they’ve only been pushed a few times…I could count on one hand and precisely recall each time.

This came up a bit at Winter Fire, and I think the person I was playing with and trying to explain myself to didn’t get it at all. I’ve since tried explaining it to someone else who did seem to get it, so I’m not sure if it was me or him the first time. I could have just been too awkward to explain myself well. Anyhow, both times, I was trying a toy on my nipples that was excruciatingly painful. My nipples are very sensitive, but I do really like pain in that area. Thing is, there is pain that is pleasurable in and of itself, and then there is pain that just freaking hurts. I have a high tolerance, and I can endure the latter, but I do not desire to of my own free will. I will, however, gladly endure such pain if it pleases my partner. I will find extreme pleasure in suffering so deeply for my partner’s pleasure, mostly because of the strong sense of subjugation and power exchange. That difference – enduring for someone else versus for myself – is enough for my mind to switch all the sensations into this torturous pleasure.

So basically – put the little toy(s) on and ask me if I want it off – yes, I do. Don’t ask me and instead smile or get turned on by my pain – I’ll keep them on a little longer and won’t safeword. Should I be about to absolutely pass out from pain, I’ll safeword…but if you ask me if I want them off, of course I’m going to say yes!  Not too complicated, eh?

I guess my limits aren’t pushed usually because often, people ask me if I’m ready to stop. Usually, that’s a social cue that they’re ready to stop (or at least that’s how I take it). Most people at events have several shorter scenes, and I don’t want to monopolize anyone’s time. As a result, I’ll say sure, I’m ready to stop, even if I could go for much longer. By pushing limits, I mean I want to be pushed to the point where I want to stop, where I would beg for it to stop, and I want my partner to push just a bit farther. I want to scream and cry and plead, and have my partner revel in that power and choose when to stop as he so pleases.

At the end of the day, I don’t want to decide when clamps come off or a scene stops. I want my partner to trust that if it’s truly too much, I’ll safeword, and the rest of the time, do as he will and enjoy the hell out of it, and I’ll enjoy it equally as much in response. You are in control – stop the scene when you’re ready to be done, and I’ll stop it with a safeword if I need to. Don’t ask me when to do it or that puts me in control of everything!

Subjugation

As it’s probably been obvious, I’ve been thinking a lot about submission, D/s, and power exchange over the last few weeks. It’s something that, despite my extensive involvement in kink, I haven’t explored much. I’ve been afraid, and I may delve into that in a moment, but as I’ve experimented I’m seeing just how much it fulfills a need in me.

Most people – women especially – enjoy and need to feel protected by and safe with their partners. Respect, desire, trust – all those things play a role in most relationships, kinky or otherwise. Something about my history and my personality have combined and make it so that for me, I feel most safe when I trust and respect my partner enough to surrender control to him. I’ve built my life around maintaining control and doing so quite well, and for me to give that up indicates you’ve won me over entirely, heart mind body and soul.

That right there, that last bit – that’s the clincher. True submission comes with great trust, and the latter doesn’t come easily. To trust someone enough to submit to them means I need to trust them not to judge me negatively for the emotions I experience, to trust that they are committed enough to discipline or correct me for infractions rather than break up with me, to trust that honesty is encouraged and not too much information. I need to trust that they desire me and want to possess me. This is reciprocal – I obviously also need to desire this person, trust them to be honest and communicate with me, and be committed to them; if I was submitting, the presence of those things would be implicit in my submission.

So many people I know can have casual play situations that explore and delve into power exchange. I wish so much I could do so. I want to kneel at someone’s feet, wear his collar, crawl for him, stand in a corner, restrict my eye contact, use proper forms of address, worship his body, suffer for him, please, obey, and serve him. I want to be possessed, to be someone’s pet or plaything, to be mildly embarrassed and objectified. I crave that type of submission – the stern, knowing look, the command, the firm hand on my shoulder/in the small of my back, the caress of my hair, the slightly paternal condescension/arrogance. Thing is, the thought of most people doing this horrifies me, and I can’t be like this casually.

I have had to be independent since a very young age. If I didn’t take care of myself – from my basic needs to my professional/academic success to my happiness – no one would. I stopped relying on my parents to fulfill these things in middle school; I still let them influence me beyond that, but I could not trust them to make sure that I was ok. I had to rely on myself, and I strengthened and did so. Being weak was never an option in my household, and only invited further difficulties. When I trust someone to be my superior at something, I respect their authority wholeheartedly and I will have no problems asking them for guidance. Outside of that, asking for help is very difficult for me. I am stubborn and prideful.

I have built my life around this strict code of pride and independence, and it’s worked for me. I’ve gotten better at letting people in over the past few years, but it’s a challenge for me. I want people to see me as strong, to respect me – even if they’re Dominant and I’m submissive. I don’t defer right away. I don’t usually treat Dominant men any differently than any other men. I’m always a bit shy when I’m flirting with someone new, and I cater my manner to the person I’m talking with, but it isn’t the batting of eyelashes – oh Master please don’t hurt me – type of thing. I have purposefully kept myself from becoming the type of woman someone needs to pity or rescue, but most men go for the obviously deferential.

Basically, when I interact with men, even in the scene, they tend to see me as an equal right away. They see me like this because that’s what I want, and what I’ve spent my life trying to project. They may try to play; in fact, I was told recently I’m getting a reputation for being a good bottom, so cool beans on that. Men rarely try to get me to submit, however. It’s like they dismiss it immediately because I’m a bit type-A. They rarely get stern and commanding, slightly paternal or teasing. Yes, if you’re an arrogant ass, it’s annoying if you act like that. Thing is, my tendency to slip into an alpha role fades immediately when there’s another alpha present. I do react to “Domly mannerisms,” and my inner deferential submissive will show itself. If people don’t act like that with me, then they usually don’t see that side of myself. I lead when no-one else leads, I maintain control when no-one else is around who does it better…when someone who does it better steps up, I more than happily step down.

Essentially though, my issue is that the image I’m projecting isn’t attracting the type of man I’m interested in, but I don’t really know how to alter my mannerisms to change that. I don’t know that I want to, either, because I want to be true to myself and the strong, independent person is a big part of my life, just not necessarily my romantic/sexual life. It’s complicated, because to attract a Dominant, I need to show my submissive side, but to show my submissive side, I need to have this really high level of trust and respect that only comes with time, which happens after someone decides to get to know me.

To clarify, people that have known me a long time and are Dominant in nature don’t question my submissiveness. It’s like with everything in my personality. I guess I’m a bit complex, and I’m the type of person that reveals her personality slowly. Different questions, activities, interactions show different facets. People who know me really well love me for all these things that don’t really show up in a one-off happy hour or on a first date. It’s the same here, I just need to find a Dominant man who sees the underlying natural submissive urges and is willing to invest the energy and time to draw that side of me out from under the hard shell it’s been shoved under for so many years.

Lastly, I will add that I still worry that a fully D/s relationship would become stifling in time. I’m hesitant because I do enjoy elements of my independence. My level of submission does still entirely depend on the person I’m with and our interactions, personalities, etc.

Masochistic Ponderings

First off, stupid hurricane. I spent all day drinking and hanging out with friends with only minor rain in the background. (We watched The American President and The West Wing  – very DC.) They leave, and BOOM the rain and wind pick up hardcore. I’m really not a fan of storms (too many tornados and bad loud noises in my life), and I wish this would’ve happened earlier. Now I’m just hoping our power is on tomorrow.

The main kink thing on my mind recently has been pain. This is a subject I frequently revisit because it constantly confuses me and in general is very mysterious. I originally went into my first kinky experiences thinking I would only like pain insomuch as it was a demonstration of my submission, a manifestation of the power exchange. Then, I played with pain several times, realized just how much I got off on it, played some more, and called myself a masochist.

Pain with power exchange is undeniably and incredibly sexy to me. That’s really the primary way I’ve experienced it, and by that alone, yes, I like pain.

I was using my clamps while playing around a bit the other day, though, and I realized that while yes, it still intensifies other feelings and sort of quickens up the arousal, my pain threshold is much, much lower and I enjoy it much less. Really, I’d get the same effect (if not a possibly stronger one) from just playing with my nipples without clamps for another 5-10 minutes. This begged the question, do I like the pain, really, or is it more than that?

I think I’ve come full circle to the realization that while pain with sex can be good and intensify the arousal, pain with power exchange trumps that, and pain with power exchange and sex trumps all. Pain with none of those things is a no-no on my part.

So, am I a masochist? I’m not sure. I enjoy pain primarily when I am being subjected to it by a Dominant man whom I trust and am attracted to in some way/shape/form. My pain threshold is partially dependent on trying to take more to please the person hurting me, on wanting to give up the control. My enjoyment is partially dependent on pleasing my Top with his subjugation of me through the distribution of pain, and on my Top’s enjoyment of providing said experience.

So, if I’m ever craving pain – which I do sometimes – I think I need to remind myself that I’m really just craving submission. I want to release control, and letting someone hurt me is a great way to do that. Bondage is another great way to do that, though pain is more of an emotional release, while bondage is more of a stabilization method. All are turn-ons, of course.

And the power is flickering even more… so off to bed I go.