I’ve been so stretched for time, I haven’t blogged in a month. I haven’t kept up with my positivity journal, or processed anything, and it stresses me out even further. It’s not a great place to be in, mentally.

Things have been crazy. I was out of town for a week on vacation. I’ve been home for 18 days, and I only spent 3 of those nights at home/by myself. Seriously. Between different groups of friends and a new dating prospect, there has been NO TIME. Two of those nights I was home were spent building furniture. I’ve wracked up about $2500 in debt this month alone from furniture-purchasing.

To add to my general state of stress, I’m going to the frontlines again for work for two weeks, leaving this weekend. Preparing mentally, packing, and getting things prepped at work hasn’t been easy.

If that wasn’t enough, I had to move rooms before leaving, which meant painting one room, repainting another, and a variety of random home improvement things. I’m still bummed because I didn’t have a chance to go through my stuff as I moved it (I wanted to purge unused things), but at least it’s moved and it looks good.

Further, my sister has been hospitalized 4 separate times within the last month (mental hospitalization). She’s been brought by cops each time. Two times, drugs stronger than weed have been involved. She’s officially bipolar manic depressive with psychotic episodes, and she doesn’t take her meds. She was evicted, and her fiance is apparently on the edge of breaking up with her. My mom is about to lose her shit because of all the stress. It sucks. The phone calls bringing up my past and spewing emotions and insanity whilst threatening visits aren’t helping either.

I have so much to process and think about, especially to try to recount positive memories as of late. There have been some. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been a panic-ridden mess lately to most people in my life. I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My to-do lists seem never-ending, and I just haven’t had the time I need to decompress.

I’ve been sort of seeing someone; it’s casual, but we’ve gone out 7 times. I have fun when we’re together, despite the fact that there are tiny things that don’t appeal to me. I’ve been more attracted to others, and it’d be great if he were a more decisive, gentlemanly type…but he treats me well and is open-minded. He’s much less experienced than anyone I’ve ever been with, and more religious. I do like him. I feel like crap though because the last three times we’ve hung out, we haven’t gone very far sexually. (There have definitely been times when we were there, though, so it seems extra weird to have done things and then not do them.)  Tonight, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go enough to enjoy myself. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t process. He seemed really ok with it, listened, cuddled for a hot minute, and talked as if he’d still be in touch/interested in hanging out/understood…but I feel bad. I feel like a tease. I don’t want him to lose interest because of it, but I don’t want to do things I’m not in the mood for either. Then, of course, as he was leaving I was able to relax a bit more and sort of get into it…but then it’s too late.

In times like this, I need a man who will pin me down, look in my eyes, and command me to focus on the moment and him. Then, he can slowly kiss and caress me and I’ll get into it and relax and we can all be good. He can use pain to draw me to the moment if I start to drift away mentally. This is where kink helps me relax into things. I’m so out of control right now that I’m worrying about everything. We’re making out, and I’m still thinking – about what may happen, how he’s doing, if my roommate will hear, etc. He takes the initiative to get pinchey/bitey, which is awesome, but I need someone to assert and take control of the situation in a way that leaves me no choice, otherwise I still worry and feel like I should be controlling things. Feeling like I should be in control when I’m so incapable of being so at this moment makes me worry and not relax. Ugh. How do I explain that? Do I? I guess I should, should we see each other again, that way he can try to do it…he’s been open to trying things before. But then, part of me just wishes I could find the right Dominant man who would just *be* that way.

Pondering Suburbs and Vacations

After talking about discipline, I found it interesting to read two blog posts that sort of relate.

First, this author is talking about living in the suburbs: 4 Reasons I Hate The Suburbs. Her first point is hating driving – I don’t mind it. The second – everything looks the same – is usually true, but in older or smaller towns isn’t. Some towns retain character. The mediocre food in massive quantities, well, yes, but also – large kitchens, fresh produce from nearby farms, and more dinner parties with neighbors. With that, in suburbs people make more of an effort to know their neighbors and integrate into their community. The last point, however, is the one that resonated. The issue here is falling into a routine of averageness and never leaving the suburbs. Leaving aside, the routine of averageness…well, that appeals to me.

I lack routines. I enjoy adventure and trying new things, and I like having lots to do at my disposal. I really wouldn’t mind limiting those things to one day on a weekend and having routines and outdoor/country or homebody things the rest of the time. Averageness of schools and PTA and work…sounds kind of awesome. It sounds like a life that could easily be just as fulfilling as one spent going to different happy hours and events. (It also sounds more economical.) This is how I know I’m not meant to stay this close to a major city. I need to be further out in the suburbs or in a smaller area. I need the built-in slower pace so that my inclination to be busy and speed things up isn’t on top of an already hectic pace.

A second article I read today was about How You Let Loose on Vacation. The author wrote:

Do you take the opportunity to do something you’d never do in your regular life? Does “letting loose” mean collecting as many beads as you can on Bourbon Street, or would you rather get your kicks from trying something that scares you?

Personally, I love all of these things. My perfect vacation would be a medium-luxury style hotel or a nice cabin in the mountains on a a large lake, in mid to late summer – or a beachy town/driving distance to beach. It would involve photography (of nature and/or architecture), a bonfire with marshmallow roasting, stargazing, hot tubs, boating, and copious sex. It would also involve something I’ve never done, whether that be learning to fly fish, taking a helicopter tour, going hanggliding, cooking class, local winery visit, etc. For the perfect vacation, it would have at least one day spent in a nearby major city (think Denver, Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, etc.) with some shopping, a museum or two, a really nice dinner, and maybe a massage or pedicure. Basically…time to relax, read, and pamper; an adventure; connecting with nature; some social moments; all tinged with a tad of luxury that makes me feel like I’m not at home and I’m special for the week.

I was thinking about this because more than ever, my vacations are spent visiting family or cramming in some fun in an “urban adventure.” I haven’t had a vacation with the things I enjoy most since Gulf Shores my first year of grad school. I used to prioritize it quite a bit, but that was when I had built in breaks. Now my time with family is also my vacation time, and my vacation style doesn’t mesh with my family’s.

Holiday Travel

Grr. I’m currently stuck in the airport. I’ve been at the airport since 7:15am, and it’s 10:26am. I’m $516 richer, but oh so frustrated. Got to love holiday travel.

Apparently, there was an entire flight crew stuck here last night that needed to be on my flight this morning. Despite my having checked-in at 10:30am yesterday, I was one of the last 5 to check in this morning (I guess because I checked my bag?). No one volunteered to reschedule and take a voucher, so I got involuntarily booted from my flight. The bonus here – 400% of the fare I paid in a check for cash. I was rebooked for the next flight out at 10:55am. I was still set to make my shuttle to my little Indiana town, and all was good. I was actually cool with it – I’m all for easy money. My favorite moment was the lady who threw a freaking fit. She literally said “Is there ANYONE on this flight with higher status than  me” (in terms to airline miles). Gotta give it to her, though – her, her husband, and baby did eventually get on the plane. I did not.

Now, my new flight has been delayed, so I’m going to miss my shuttle. … In lieu of waiting for an additional 2 hours at this other airport, I’m trying to persuade my dad to come get me. I get not wanting to drive 4 hours (2 each way)…but really, c’mon. I’m family. It’s not that hard. So we’ll see…traveling is certainly an adventure.

There are delays everywhere and all sorts of drama. Gotta love the holidays!

Day 23, 30 Days of Me

Day 23: List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

  1. Travel: I love seeing new places, learning how other people live, stepping where history took place, trying new things, experiencing other cultures, gaping at the natural beauty that’s so similar or so varied to that I’ve seen before…I ❤ it all. I want to see things for myself, to really understand other people and their lives, and to experience as much as possible. I can’t imagine not enjoying travel. The restaurants and food, the music, the landscapes, the architecture – all of it appeals! Plus, being from one of the youngest countries, it’s great to see centuries and millenia of history. 
  2. Photography: What better way to capture the different sights and experiences around the world than on film (or digital film, at least)? I love trying to show other people what I see through the lens of my camera. There’s so much for me to learn, so many new cameras and techniques I don’t yet know, but I love experimenting and feel great satisfaction when I’ve perfectly captured what I see in my mind. I tend to prefer photographing nature or landscapes over anything else.
  3. Dancing: I love the adrenaline, feeling the music, and expressing myself through dance. At various times in my life, I’ve taken ballet, hip hop, tap, jazz, tango, and swing lessons. I’ve loved them all. I was in a competitive show choir (midwestern thing) where we had professionally choreographed routines, and I adored it. I love ballroom and letting someone guide me into artistic manifestations of music. I love hip hop, lap dances, and sultry music that lets me connect with a partner and explore sexuality through musical movement. I love dancing in the club or just randomly for fun, just to goof off and let off steam. It’s a workout and it’s a moment when I don’t think, just feel. I don’t dance enough anymore and I let my own self-consciousness get in the way, but I’m never as happy as I am after a few hours dancing.
  4. Writing: Writing poetry, song lyrics, erotic stories, journal entries – they all allow me to express myself. I’m pretty easy to read in the moment – I don’t lie well – but I also find it very difficult to express my deeper emotions. I’m improving, but I’m not that great a communicator in terms of what I’m honestly feeling about something. Writing allows me to let out all the things that worry me, to analyze things in a healthier way. By putting things on paper, I usually release them from my mind. Or, for an erotic story, it allows me to explore thoughts and fantasies that I lose track of in my mind.
  5. Being adventurous with friends: I adore trying new things – see the travel thing above. I highly prioritize trying new things and spending time with my friends, so what better than combining the two? Whether it’s kayaking, trying a new restaurant, ice skating, snow tubing, visiting a museum, going for a road trip, taking a class, going to a festival, etc. – I like getting out there, exploring something I haven’t done before (or sharing a loved thing with someone else who hasn’t done it before), and sharing those moments with people that matter to me.

Other things that barely didn’t make the list: singing and cooking.

Pre-trip Nerves

I leave tomorrow…time has really flown. I’m kind of freaking out a bit. Good side bonus – I got a pair of noise cancelling headphones, which will come in handy over the next few weeks. I also got a bunch of new books and some new music, which I’m excited about. My friend gave me all of season 1 of homeland, so yay! Now to pack…

Work has moved positively lately. I took on a new assignment as the charity key worker, so I get to plan some events within the organization. I get to know some of the other folks in the agency well, and I get to put my planning to good use. I’m excited to have a few extra things on the workload as well. I also get to start planning my training for next year, which is very exciting.

I’m not sure the level to which my personal internet usage will be monitored in upcoming weeks, so I’m cool with my blog, but I’m not going on fetlife or any erotic websites. It’s going to be weird to have no access, not even mobile, to fetlife for that time period. It’s probably something I should try to do more frequently, actually.

Crazy! This time tomorrow I’ll be over the Atlantic ocean. Eeeeep!

Falling headfirst into Fall

Awesome things of late:

  • Buying my first pumpkin of the season (yes, I’m a dork). It’s so cute and perfect!
  • Seeing the excitement on someone’s face as I directed them to the farmers market.
  • Things being busy at work so that I’m not aimlessly sitting around.
  • Making healthy fall food so I have stuff for breakfast and lunch each day this week.
  • Taking care of a bunch of errands and crossing things off my to-do list.
  • Getting tickets to Boston for Thanksgiving and Indiana for Christmas.
  • Making plans to go to NYC for a weekend to see a friend, and for her to see me. This chick used to live in Brazil, so this is much simpler.
  • Learning some new board games, like Gloom and Munchkin.
  • Playing lots of Cards Against Humanity.
  • Buying awesome riding boots :).
  • Checking out a cowboy bar chock-full of hot cowboys. Well, dudes with cowboy hats…doubt they’re actually working on a farm.
  • Catching up with old friends and hanging out with a variety of newer folks, whilst still maintaining some alone time.
  • Plans to see a movie I really want to see!
  • Free burritos!
  • Mixing a ‘nilla friend with some kinky ones and having them all get along :).
  • This weekend: BR event (lots of great classes), Fetish Ball, fun dinner on H-st (ramen or mussels or ethiopian – all delicious! which will it be?!), and hanging with my old roomies…basically, lots of goodness.

Weird things…

  • Roommate broke up with her boyfriend of 1-yr. It’s strange since we’re not quite friends, but this might get us into being friends.
  • Three people announced they’re quitting/retiring from my work this week. Everyone is jumping ship…
  • I leave for my warzone trip in just over two weeks.
  • What to wear for the fetish ball?!
  • The fleas may or may not persist in surviving in my apt.

So, really, life is good, just busy as per usual, and only set to get busier through the end of holiday seasons. Every weekend in Nov. is booked! Eep!


In an update…

Have been in training for work for the last two weeks, and got to do some fabulous networking. We did some fun exercises that reminded me why I love the field I’m in. Honestly, had I had this training earlier, I wouldn’t have been at such a loss the last few months. Now I feel like I’m very behind on everything I need to know for my current project. Such is life – you’re bored until you’re behind.

I’ve gone to a more events lately, and experimented a tiny bit more with rope topping. I’m much more curious about switching lately. I’ve also kind of worn myself out from kinky play-centric events. Pick up play just isn’t doing it for me anymore. If I know people at an event, that changes, but otherwise meh. With that, I went to a party last night that ended up being very chill and left me with the same feeling. I’m used to being busy, or being horny, but not so much the lonely. For some reason, I’ve been feeling the lonely more lately. I think it’s because I’d rather do more low-key, not-public event things, but since I’d still like to meet someone special I try to get out more than that. Ugh.

The overseas trip has been postponed a week, so now I will be missing Halloween. If anyone has book recommendations, please send them my way!