I’ve been so stretched for time, I haven’t blogged in a month. I haven’t kept up with my positivity journal, or processed anything, and it stresses me out even further. It’s not a great place to be in, mentally.

Things have been crazy. I was out of town for a week on vacation. I’ve been home for 18 days, and I only spent 3 of those nights at home/by myself. Seriously. Between different groups of friends and a new dating prospect, there has been NO TIME. Two of those nights I was home were spent building furniture. I’ve wracked up about $2500 in debt this month alone from furniture-purchasing.

To add to my general state of stress, I’m going to the frontlines again for work for two weeks, leaving this weekend. Preparing mentally, packing, and getting things prepped at work hasn’t been easy.

If that wasn’t enough, I had to move rooms before leaving, which meant painting one room, repainting another, and a variety of random home improvement things. I’m still bummed because I didn’t have a chance to go through my stuff as I moved it (I wanted to purge unused things), but at least it’s moved and it looks good.

Further, my sister has been hospitalized 4 separate times within the last month (mental hospitalization). She’s been brought by cops each time. Two times, drugs stronger than weed have been involved. She’s officially bipolar manic depressive with psychotic episodes, and she doesn’t take her meds. She was evicted, and her fiance is apparently on the edge of breaking up with her. My mom is about to lose her shit because of all the stress. It sucks. The phone calls bringing up my past and spewing emotions and insanity whilst threatening visits aren’t helping either.

I have so much to process and think about, especially to try to recount positive memories as of late. There have been some. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been a panic-ridden mess lately to most people in my life. I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My to-do lists seem never-ending, and I just haven’t had the time I need to decompress.

I’ve been sort of seeing someone; it’s casual, but we’ve gone out 7 times. I have fun when we’re together, despite the fact that there are tiny things that don’t appeal to me. I’ve been more attracted to others, and it’d be great if he were a more decisive, gentlemanly type…but he treats me well and is open-minded. He’s much less experienced than anyone I’ve ever been with, and more religious. I do like him. I feel like crap though because the last three times we’ve hung out, we haven’t gone very far sexually. (There have definitely been times when we were there, though, so it seems extra weird to have done things and then not do them.)  Tonight, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go enough to enjoy myself. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t process. He seemed really ok with it, listened, cuddled for a hot minute, and talked as if he’d still be in touch/interested in hanging out/understood…but I feel bad. I feel like a tease. I don’t want him to lose interest because of it, but I don’t want to do things I’m not in the mood for either. Then, of course, as he was leaving I was able to relax a bit more and sort of get into it…but then it’s too late.

In times like this, I need a man who will pin me down, look in my eyes, and command me to focus on the moment and him. Then, he can slowly kiss and caress me and I’ll get into it and relax and we can all be good. He can use pain to draw me to the moment if I start to drift away mentally. This is where kink helps me relax into things. I’m so out of control right now that I’m worrying about everything. We’re making out, and I’m still thinking – about what may happen, how he’s doing, if my roommate will hear, etc. He takes the initiative to get pinchey/bitey, which is awesome, but I need someone to assert and take control of the situation in a way that leaves me no choice, otherwise I still worry and feel like I should be controlling things. Feeling like I should be in control when I’m so incapable of being so at this moment makes me worry and not relax. Ugh. How do I explain that? Do I? I guess I should, should we see each other again, that way he can try to do it…he’s been open to trying things before. But then, part of me just wishes I could find the right Dominant man who would just *be* that way.

Pondering Suburbs and Vacations

After talking about discipline, I found it interesting to read two blog posts that sort of relate.

First, this author is talking about living in the suburbs: 4 Reasons I Hate The Suburbs. Her first point is hating driving – I don’t mind it. The second – everything looks the same – is usually true, but in older or smaller towns isn’t. Some towns retain character. The mediocre food in massive quantities, well, yes, but also – large kitchens, fresh produce from nearby farms, and more dinner parties with neighbors. With that, in suburbs people make more of an effort to know their neighbors and integrate into their community. The last point, however, is the one that resonated. The issue here is falling into a routine of averageness and never leaving the suburbs. Leaving aside, the routine of averageness…well, that appeals to me.

I lack routines. I enjoy adventure and trying new things, and I like having lots to do at my disposal. I really wouldn’t mind limiting those things to one day on a weekend and having routines and outdoor/country or homebody things the rest of the time. Averageness of schools and PTA and work…sounds kind of awesome. It sounds like a life that could easily be just as fulfilling as one spent going to different happy hours and events. (It also sounds more economical.) This is how I know I’m not meant to stay this close to a major city. I need to be further out in the suburbs or in a smaller area. I need the built-in slower pace so that my inclination to be busy and speed things up isn’t on top of an already hectic pace.

A second article I read today was about How You Let Loose on Vacation. The author wrote:

Do you take the opportunity to do something you’d never do in your regular life? Does “letting loose” mean collecting as many beads as you can on Bourbon Street, or would you rather get your kicks from trying something that scares you?

Personally, I love all of these things. My perfect vacation would be a medium-luxury style hotel or a nice cabin in the mountains on a a large lake, in mid to late summer – or a beachy town/driving distance to beach. It would involve photography (of nature and/or architecture), a bonfire with marshmallow roasting, stargazing, hot tubs, boating, and copious sex. It would also involve something I’ve never done, whether that be learning to fly fish, taking a helicopter tour, going hanggliding, cooking class, local winery visit, etc. For the perfect vacation, it would have at least one day spent in a nearby major city (think Denver, Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, etc.) with some shopping, a museum or two, a really nice dinner, and maybe a massage or pedicure. Basically…time to relax, read, and pamper; an adventure; connecting with nature; some social moments; all tinged with a tad of luxury that makes me feel like I’m not at home and I’m special for the week.

I was thinking about this because more than ever, my vacations are spent visiting family or cramming in some fun in an “urban adventure.” I haven’t had a vacation with the things I enjoy most since Gulf Shores my first year of grad school. I used to prioritize it quite a bit, but that was when I had built in breaks. Now my time with family is also my vacation time, and my vacation style doesn’t mesh with my family’s.

Holiday Travel

Grr. I’m currently stuck in the airport. I’ve been at the airport since 7:15am, and it’s 10:26am. I’m $516 richer, but oh so frustrated. Got to love holiday travel.

Apparently, there was an entire flight crew stuck here last night that needed to be on my flight this morning. Despite my having checked-in at 10:30am yesterday, I was one of the last 5 to check in this morning (I guess because I checked my bag?). No one volunteered to reschedule and take a voucher, so I got involuntarily booted from my flight. The bonus here – 400% of the fare I paid in a check for cash. I was rebooked for the next flight out at 10:55am. I was still set to make my shuttle to my little Indiana town, and all was good. I was actually cool with it – I’m all for easy money. My favorite moment was the lady who threw a freaking fit. She literally said “Is there ANYONE on this flight with higher status than  me” (in terms to airline miles). Gotta give it to her, though – her, her husband, and baby did eventually get on the plane. I did not.

Now, my new flight has been delayed, so I’m going to miss my shuttle. … In lieu of waiting for an additional 2 hours at this other airport, I’m trying to persuade my dad to come get me. I get not wanting to drive 4 hours (2 each way)…but really, c’mon. I’m family. It’s not that hard. So we’ll see…traveling is certainly an adventure.

There are delays everywhere and all sorts of drama. Gotta love the holidays!

Day 23, 30 Days of Me

Day 23: List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

  1. Travel: I love seeing new places, learning how other people live, stepping where history took place, trying new things, experiencing other cultures, gaping at the natural beauty that’s so similar or so varied to that I’ve seen before…I ❤ it all. I want to see things for myself, to really understand other people and their lives, and to experience as much as possible. I can’t imagine not enjoying travel. The restaurants and food, the music, the landscapes, the architecture – all of it appeals! Plus, being from one of the youngest countries, it’s great to see centuries and millenia of history. 
  2. Photography: What better way to capture the different sights and experiences around the world than on film (or digital film, at least)? I love trying to show other people what I see through the lens of my camera. There’s so much for me to learn, so many new cameras and techniques I don’t yet know, but I love experimenting and feel great satisfaction when I’ve perfectly captured what I see in my mind. I tend to prefer photographing nature or landscapes over anything else.
  3. Dancing: I love the adrenaline, feeling the music, and expressing myself through dance. At various times in my life, I’ve taken ballet, hip hop, tap, jazz, tango, and swing lessons. I’ve loved them all. I was in a competitive show choir (midwestern thing) where we had professionally choreographed routines, and I adored it. I love ballroom and letting someone guide me into artistic manifestations of music. I love hip hop, lap dances, and sultry music that lets me connect with a partner and explore sexuality through musical movement. I love dancing in the club or just randomly for fun, just to goof off and let off steam. It’s a workout and it’s a moment when I don’t think, just feel. I don’t dance enough anymore and I let my own self-consciousness get in the way, but I’m never as happy as I am after a few hours dancing.
  4. Writing: Writing poetry, song lyrics, erotic stories, journal entries – they all allow me to express myself. I’m pretty easy to read in the moment – I don’t lie well – but I also find it very difficult to express my deeper emotions. I’m improving, but I’m not that great a communicator in terms of what I’m honestly feeling about something. Writing allows me to let out all the things that worry me, to analyze things in a healthier way. By putting things on paper, I usually release them from my mind. Or, for an erotic story, it allows me to explore thoughts and fantasies that I lose track of in my mind.
  5. Being adventurous with friends: I adore trying new things – see the travel thing above. I highly prioritize trying new things and spending time with my friends, so what better than combining the two? Whether it’s kayaking, trying a new restaurant, ice skating, snow tubing, visiting a museum, going for a road trip, taking a class, going to a festival, etc. – I like getting out there, exploring something I haven’t done before (or sharing a loved thing with someone else who hasn’t done it before), and sharing those moments with people that matter to me.

Other things that barely didn’t make the list: singing and cooking.

Pre-trip Nerves

I leave tomorrow…time has really flown. I’m kind of freaking out a bit. Good side bonus – I got a pair of noise cancelling headphones, which will come in handy over the next few weeks. I also got a bunch of new books and some new music, which I’m excited about. My friend gave me all of season 1 of homeland, so yay! Now to pack…

Work has moved positively lately. I took on a new assignment as the charity key worker, so I get to plan some events within the organization. I get to know some of the other folks in the agency well, and I get to put my planning to good use. I’m excited to have a few extra things on the workload as well. I also get to start planning my training for next year, which is very exciting.

I’m not sure the level to which my personal internet usage will be monitored in upcoming weeks, so I’m cool with my blog, but I’m not going on fetlife or any erotic websites. It’s going to be weird to have no access, not even mobile, to fetlife for that time period. It’s probably something I should try to do more frequently, actually.

Crazy! This time tomorrow I’ll be over the Atlantic ocean. Eeeeep!

Falling headfirst into Fall

Awesome things of late:

  • Buying my first pumpkin of the season (yes, I’m a dork). It’s so cute and perfect!
  • Seeing the excitement on someone’s face as I directed them to the farmers market.
  • Things being busy at work so that I’m not aimlessly sitting around.
  • Making healthy fall food so I have stuff for breakfast and lunch each day this week.
  • Taking care of a bunch of errands and crossing things off my to-do list.
  • Getting tickets to Boston for Thanksgiving and Indiana for Christmas.
  • Making plans to go to NYC for a weekend to see a friend, and for her to see me. This chick used to live in Brazil, so this is much simpler.
  • Learning some new board games, like Gloom and Munchkin.
  • Playing lots of Cards Against Humanity.
  • Buying awesome riding boots :).
  • Checking out a cowboy bar chock-full of hot cowboys. Well, dudes with cowboy hats…doubt they’re actually working on a farm.
  • Catching up with old friends and hanging out with a variety of newer folks, whilst still maintaining some alone time.
  • Plans to see a movie I really want to see!
  • Free burritos!
  • Mixing a ‘nilla friend with some kinky ones and having them all get along :).
  • This weekend: BR event (lots of great classes), Fetish Ball, fun dinner on H-st (ramen or mussels or ethiopian – all delicious! which will it be?!), and hanging with my old roomies…basically, lots of goodness.

Weird things…

  • Roommate broke up with her boyfriend of 1-yr. It’s strange since we’re not quite friends, but this might get us into being friends.
  • Three people announced they’re quitting/retiring from my work this week. Everyone is jumping ship…
  • I leave for my warzone trip in just over two weeks.
  • What to wear for the fetish ball?!
  • The fleas may or may not persist in surviving in my apt.

So, really, life is good, just busy as per usual, and only set to get busier through the end of holiday seasons. Every weekend in Nov. is booked! Eep!

9/23

In an update…

Have been in training for work for the last two weeks, and got to do some fabulous networking. We did some fun exercises that reminded me why I love the field I’m in. Honestly, had I had this training earlier, I wouldn’t have been at such a loss the last few months. Now I feel like I’m very behind on everything I need to know for my current project. Such is life – you’re bored until you’re behind.

I’ve gone to a more events lately, and experimented a tiny bit more with rope topping. I’m much more curious about switching lately. I’ve also kind of worn myself out from kinky play-centric events. Pick up play just isn’t doing it for me anymore. If I know people at an event, that changes, but otherwise meh. With that, I went to a party last night that ended up being very chill and left me with the same feeling. I’m used to being busy, or being horny, but not so much the lonely. For some reason, I’ve been feeling the lonely more lately. I think it’s because I’d rather do more low-key, not-public event things, but since I’d still like to meet someone special I try to get out more than that. Ugh.

The overseas trip has been postponed a week, so now I will be missing Halloween. If anyone has book recommendations, please send them my way!

8/26

First, on the buggy note: it wasn’t bedbugs, it was fleas. While better in that they are somewhat easier to eradicate, they also transmit disease, so that’s not great. It took 21 loads of laundry to wash everything fabric I own. After that, vacuuming, and a flea bomb, I’m hoping my room is safe. The rest of our apartment is still unknown. God save me from the fleas. In the meantime, I have new pillows and a new comforter, and everything I own is clean (yay options!). This also was a good push to buy mattress protectors to keep me from getting bedbugs in the future.

For a quick update: Life is good. Work is picking up, but only marginally so. I’m set to go to the war zone the second half of October. I’m a little bummed to miss Halloween, but it should be ok. I’ve realized that my boss isn’t exactly great at his job, so that’s a bit strange. It’s going to get tricky soon enough, trying to do quality work to impress the bigger boss without showing up the immediate one. Ugh. But, I have training soon, and that’s exciting too. Taking training makes me feel like I’m taking concrete steps to better myself and advance my career, so I’m trying to get as much as I can while I’m in this job.

Otherwise, I’ve gotten even closer to some vanilla friends which is great. I met some new people and have been seeing them more, which is also great. The positive energy of these people is awesome. I got to see Cirque de Soleil, which was amazing. I got to catch up with the old roommates, and that was also very refreshing. We did a color personality profile – I’m Blue dominant and Red secondary. This means I’m motivated by intimacy.

These are the do-gooders. Intimacy: connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful.

Reds are motivated by power, “Power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.”  Blue and red are innately in conflict, because one seeks acceptance and the other approval, which are contradictory in nature. One seeks to share intimate details, the other seeks to hide intimate details. It was very interesting and insightful. Try it here: color code personality test.

So, while some things have been pretty good, I’ve had a lot of negative energy in my life the last few weeks as well. Aside from the fleas and relative discontent at work, some of my friends have been dealing with extreme relational complications. I take on the emotions of those around me a lot more than most, and it deeply bothers me for those I care about to be unhappy. I spent a lot of time trying to cheer other people up and listening to their issues, and the negative energy kind of seeped into me.

Thing is, I’m not big on being the center of attention, and while I can enjoy attention paid me, I don’t like all eyes on me especially during moments of vulnerability. I guess more specifically, I don’t like verbal acknowledgment or reminders that eyes are on me. If I’m in the throes of climax, I don’t want to hear spectators commenting on it, or on any part of the interaction. Even more, if there are any notes of negativity in those comments, the moment is entirely ruined for me.

This weekend, the negativity brought me down for a bit. I’m tired of people trying to make me jealous or mess with my head. Really, I need to stop being so willing to listen to other people’s issues. I don’t mind trying to be there for my friends, but sometimes what they are discussing intertwines too closely with things in my life and ends up leading to comparisons. I don’t want to be forced into situations where I’m putting my relationships and encounters side by side with someone else’s – it never ends well.

Basically, I need to learn either learn how to tell people to shut it, how to detach when listening to others, or how to minimize the time spent with people who bring me down.

4/22

My friend’s wedding was this weekend. I’m very happy for her. She was beautiful, the setting was gorgeous, and it was great to see old friends. It was heartbreaking that her mother wasn’t there, especially since she danced with her dad to “I Remember.” Other than that, it was a frustrating experience. I was invited to be a part of the wedding as a bridesmaid originally, but the whole weekend I was not included as a real part of the bridal party – wasn’t introduced with the party at the reception, wasn’t in the program as a bridesmaid, didn’t receive the pre-wedding jewelry, and wasn’t included in the wedding party photos. I mean really, the bride didn’t care enough about me being a part of the memory to include me in the group photos? I only wish she had made it clear up front that she felt that way, and I would’ve declined being part of the wedding at all and saved myself the $1200 I spent (no exaggeration, unfortunately) on this wedding.

With that, I really hope that my other friends getting married remember that a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love with your partner. It’s about rejoicing with your friends and family that you’ve found your other half. The emphasis should be on the marriage, not the wedding. The wedding is one day/night, and the marriage lasts (hopefully) a lifetime. So, spending ridiculous amounts of money and getting incredibly freaked out seems like a waste of time. All the small things don’t matter in the long run!

In other news, I checked my mail tonight for the first time in a while, and had mail from the agency I worked for during most of the year. I was mailed an award for my work on one of our projects, which was awesome! I had no idea I was being awarded anything. It’s really nice for them to acknowledge the time and energy I put in for them. Plus, it’s from the managing director of our team, which is pretty high up. This should definitely help me in my endeavors to return back to this agency once they start hiring :).

Other things are all lined up and working out. I have an apartment lined up including a move-in date set. Rapture is coming up, and some rope experts are visiting in early June. I’m going home, visiting my grandmother, and then graduating with my Masters. I’m going to visit family in Boston, and a good friend is going to visit me in DC. Then, I start my new job and have Dark Odyssey: Fusion. In the last weeks of June, I’ll be able to settle down and I won’t be doing any traveling/visiting for a good long while and the real fun can begin! I’m hoping to spend at least one weekend at MD/DE beach this summer, rent a boat for a day, catch an Orioles game, and enjoy all DC has to offer. Summer is the best, what with Jazz in the Park, fireworks, etc.

And to throw in some kink, I’m really enjoying playing and experimenting with electrical play. It’s another one of those things that I didn’t start out fantasizing about, although I’d always been curious about it (I’m curious about everything…). I did read an ebook once where a girl was hooked up to an electrical unit – attached to her nipples, clit, and anal/vaginal probes – and then the settings were put just high enough to sexually stimulate without taking her over the edge. She was left that way for hours as payback for an investigation gone awry. I found it incredibly hot, but more for the teasing/denial than anything else. Well, turns out the electricity can be pretty hot in and of itself.

There are different types of electrical toys, and they’re all very different. Tens Units stimulate deep within the tissues and muscles, and cause involuntary contractions. Violet wands, on the other hand, are more immediately painful/reactive and stimulate the surface of tissues. I’m really curious about using the tens units around the nipples or immediately around the clit. I’m also really intrigued by the idea of insertables for either piece of equipment. I very much enjoyed feeling the violet wand on my nipples, which are incredibly sensitive and delightfully responsive to pain; I’m almost positive I could climax just from that. It’s almost enough to buy my own toy, although I don’t know that I’d maintain enough sanity and control of my movement to be able to even use it on myself. I’m still not into stun guns, cattle prods, and tasers, though – they’re all still way off-limits (if not for the sound alone)!

I’ve also gotten to the point where rope is my safe place. I mean, I’ve always been able to find peace in being tied up – something about being forced to focus on the moment – but it’s more than that, now. When things go poorly or I have a terrible day, I can find  comfort in rope. It calms me down and can cheer me up. It also can arouse the hell out of me…but it’s strange that something so mundane can have such an intense, visceral reaction. It really makes me feel kinky. I like to placate myself into feeling “normal” by thinking about how the toys and tools of the BDSM trade are just icing on the “I like strong, power-wielding men” cake. At the end of the day, though, I’m just as kinky as the rest of the BDSM community. I may have to acknowledge an actual fetish for rope. Hopefully, I can not feel too weirded out by the fact that I have fetishes. It seems so much more extreme than saying I’m kinky, and I really don’t know why the words have such vastly different connotations in my mind. Something to explore later, perhaps.

3/20

I’m suddenly intensely homesick. I miss my family. They’re a bit crazy, and it’s usually not the easiest being home, but I still miss them. I wish I lived close enough to visit on a whim. Even if I were within 3 hours, we could meet in the middle, or it could be a (long) day trip. I was looking at flights home earlier today, and it’s nearly impossible. To fly into my hometown, it takes a minimum of 4 hours, not including transit to airports and security time, and costs almost $300 one-way. To fly into Indianapolis, it takes 4 hours, then the security and then another 2 hours to get to my hometown, although it costs only $150 one way. If I drive, it takes 10 hours.

I think I’m homesick because it’s my birthday this week (that, and my closest DC friend is out of town this weekend and I’m PMSing). When I was in undergrad, my family always came and visited me. Even last year, they were in town the weekend after my birthday. I’ll see my mom for a few hours in two weeks, but it isn’t the same. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life here in DC. I love my friends — kinky, vanilla, pre and post-grad school, I love my job, I like the atmosphere and the variety of things to do, I like the closeness to the beach and other major cities. The only thing I dislike is how far away from my family and a few of my closest friends from high school/undergrad. I wish I could have sunday dinner with my family, or girls night once a month, but have everything else in my life stay the same. If only.

In good news, the cherry blossoms are blooming! I’m going to go Thursday to take photos and enjoy it. I’m not sure if that means taking off some time during the day from work, or going in the evening, but I’m pumped. I should’ve done my research and invested in a DSLR before now, but my camera should make do for the time being. As an added bonus, it’s going to be 80 degrees and sunny on Thursday, so it should be even better!