Submissive Shortcoming

I’ve wondered a lot about why my dating interactions with “Dominant” men always seem to fail. On the surface, it’s been obvious (distance, one of us is less into the other, etc). I’ve always wondered, though, if it was just that I got so nervous that I wasn’t really being myself. Maybe, had I been my normal, slightly snarky, bubbly self instead of shy, quiet, and totally acquiesing, they would’ve been more into it. A conversation with a friend tonight is leading me to believe that in fact, maybe it hasn’t worked because of who my normal self is.

It’s frustrating. I’ve always been nervous and afraid that more dominant men will rule me out as an option because I’m very type A and generally have my shit together in day-to-day life. I’m shy with new people, but otherwise, I’m outgoing and energetic. I have a lot of energy, am not afraid to ask questions, and I lack much of a filter. Dominant men frequently just have this flirtatiously commanding persona they embody around submissive females (usually the quiet, more timid types), and they almost never act like that with me. Really, the ones that do tend to be the very experienced men or women, oftentimes “old guard” folks or those over 35/40. (Random, but part of why black rose appeals to me a lot is that most of the people I’ve met in that group tend to be of that “old guard” mindset, and don’t immediately disregard my submissive potential.)

I’m not submissive with everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less submissive. I have opinions, and I’m a planner and taking charge doesn’t frighten me. I’m capable of managing, both myself and others, but that doesn’t make me any less obedient to those with authority above me. I’m not totally new and inexperienced, but there’s a lot I have to learn and I’m very willing to be taught.

I’m strong, but I’m willing, able, and in fact sometimes near desperately desire to submit to someone else’s will. People never seem to see it. My closest friends see it, but potential partners never do. I’m a people pleaser. I will go out of my way to make sure those around me succeed, are happy, and have what they need. I will use all of my passion, energy, and enthusiasm to effectively serve my partner. It just takes me a bit longer to get there.

I can’t act like that with anyone. For me, it takes a great deal of trust. We have to have fun together, get along as friends, and have physical chemistry. I have to respect you, your actions, and the decisions you make. If you start taking a stronger/more commanding tone with me, I’ll respond to it. You’ll notice my starting to look out for your desires more and more.

And really, if you take that commanding, flirtatiously dominant persona with me from the beginning and you’ve establish some quick initial respect, you’ll generally be able to see the change in my reactions to you.

I guess I just wish men would see the potential behind the day-to-day self, and would be willing to take on someone who is maybe a bit more of a challenge, or at least is more teasing in nature. I want men to take on a more commanding air in my presence.

Randomness.

Life is mostly going quite well, minus work today. It’s ironic, because my friend just mentioned an insight I had forever ago about how it’s much easier and more liberating to submit to one person since then you don’t have to submit to everyone. I kind of forgot I’d written about that. Thing is, that’s really at the root of my cravings for some power exchange, I think, especially relating to work.

Specifically, I’m trying so hard to do my best and please people, but my manager doesn’t give me any rules or boundaries to do so. As a result, now all these other people that I should be pleasing aren’t all happy, but I don’t know what to do to fix it, it isn’t my fault when I had no way of knowing how to do so, and yet I still feel guilty and upset that I’m not what they want me to be (or arguably what I should be). Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t massively screw things up or anything, but there are little things that I could have done better and didn’t know until it was too late. I want to be the best at what I do, but I can’t do that without guidance. Anyhow, I really want to just focus on pleasing one person, on obeying and submitting to his will, and knowing clearly what boundaries exist and whether or not I’ve crossed them.  Someday.

On to all the positives!

First, I know many people aren’t religious at all, but I do believe in a higher power. Getting that out there. Over the holidays and in the new year, I’ve put a huge focus on getting my finances in shape. It isn’t that they were out of shape before, so much as I want to budget better, save more, put more away for retirement, and eliminate any debt I have control over. (In that I don’t have control over student loan debt because it’s large and I’m working on public service repayment, but car loans, credit card bills, etc. I control.) I had this nagging stress because of my stupid credit card bill and no immediate or quick way to pay it down. Then, I did my taxes…and POOF! My return is almost EXACTLY what I need to pay them off! It’s amazing! To me, it feels something like a miracle for the level of relief it provides. I feel like my prayers were answered, and it’s awesome.

Second, Rapture was this past weekend and it was fabulous. I didn’t do many scenes, which fit my mood, but I did get to play with two of my very good friends. I feel like lately playing with folks has been more ridden with anxiety, stress, and worry than with pleasure, and it’s amazing what playing with friends changes. Namely, there’s no anxiety, worry, or stress, just pleasure. I can relax. I trust them, and I can just enjoy it. Plus, both people are great at the whole shit-eating-grin-sadist thing, making it all the better. Actually, in one scene, some random guy from the party popped in and interrupted us with “I just bust a nut!” taking me completely off guard and making me crack up, then later another friend made all of us dissolve into hysterical laughter. So much fun. I really just do better only playing with people I know very, very well. Not a surprise, per se, but annoying when I’d love to be the type of person who could play with anyone at will.

Another Rapture-related thing – I’m now training to be a DM. It means more work at parties, but I don’t mind. I learned during our first training session that I know a lot more about rope and safety than the average kinkster. I’m going to be compiling a list of safety points to share with the other monitors.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with new experiences lately too. I went to an Indian cooking class with a friend, which was fun and informative. Raw meat is disgusting, lentils are amazing, and I need to master spices. I also had Korean food for the first time and did karaoke with a group of mostly new friends. I always forget how much I love singing until I do it for a while. I’m also working on slowly building my spice tolerance so I can enjoy spicy food; hopefully one of these days I can avoid being the one to order mild everything.

Other random thoughts of the week:

  • It is really important to recognize and acknowledge the importance of your friendships with others. Moreover, knowing whether or not your love for another person makes it worth changing behaviors for them is vital but extremely difficult.
  • Yes, I’m type A. The satisfaction I get from planning things and executing them well, looking at a full calendar, crossing things off lists, and organizing my junk is unmatched. I hate how easy it is to be ashamed of these habits. When I embrace them, I’m much happier.
  • Being Type A doesn’t mean you can’t be submissive…it just means there’s more benefits there for the Dominant partner, should he choose to make use of them. It also often makes me that much more inclined to submit.
  • It’s wrong of me to stereotype groups of people by assuming they are going to stereotype me. Assume = ass out of u and me.
  • Despite all the progress and growth of the past few years, I still frequently fail at flirting. Unfortunate, that.

Happiness, Discussed

I’ve been reading a book recently by Gretchen Rubin, “The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean my Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.” The book follows a woman as she dedicates a year to diligently trying to improve her demeanors, attitudes, and habits towards herself, her daily life, and those around her.

I distinctly remember one of my roommates in college reading this book when it first came out, and I’ve been meaning to read it ever since. This year, I’ve been focusing on reading in a different way. First, I’m trying to read books that have been on my “to-read” list for a while. I’ve also been trying to read more regularly (instead of in random spurts as I used to) and more intellectually. Basically, since I no longer have the excuse that my intellectual reading is coming from schoolwork, I’m trying to intersperse nonfiction into my usual diet of young adult fiction/erotica/chick lit. Part of this is part of a larger project of bettering myself, but in other ways, I’m generally curious about the subject matter of these books and I really need some more PC examples for happy hour conversations :).

Anyhow, I’ll do a longer review when I’m done, but I’m only 39% finished and there’s already been a huge positive impact on my life from reading it. First, one of the things the author did to raise her energy in one month was to “get rid of nagging tasks.” This resonated with me, as I’m the queen of procrastination. I work well under pressure, but I am always hugely guilty or distracted by all these little things I know I should have already done, and it drags me down. The tasks are always there, nagging, overwhelming me from the recesses of my brain.

Reading about the author’s experience inspired me, so I made a penultimate to-do list of all the things I’ve been putting off, some for months. There were immediate ones – taxes, car administrative things with my apartment. There were family ones since I’m horrid at keeping in touch. I’ve been slowly working my way down the list, and I already feel amazingly better for getting shit done, finally. I recommend this to everyone.

Honestly, making the list, doing things on the list, and my general focus on resolutions this year has made such a difference in my life already. I’ll focus more on growth and basic needs in another post, but I feel like I’m achieving a new level of having my shit together, and I like it.

Along similar lines, another quote from the book stuck out to me today more than anything else thus far.  The author wrote:

To eke out the most happiness from an experience, we must anticipate it, savor it as it unfolds, express happiness, and recall a happy memory.

This is simple, but incredibly profound to me. These steps ring true, and they are exactly why lists and my blog have been improving my happiness over the last few years and months. One, making lists (goals) and filling my calendar in advance may seem ridiculously Type A, but they let me prolong the anticipation (and they help me keep track of things I may otherwise forget). Two, my blog provides a way to express my happiness without having to worry if I’m boring someone or seen as attention-seeking/bragging. Three, my blog and my lists allow me to recall happy memories.

Moreover, my awesomeness journal has been helping my recall happy memories in a new way that I’m really enjoying. Basically, once a week, I post a private blog entry recalling all the happy moments from the last week. They can be little things – my office getting a kuerig machine made the list – or certain moments I shared with friends, etc. When I have a blue moment, I can click my little “awesomeness journal” category and see all the amazing things I’ve been blessed to experience over the last several weeks. It’s amazing. Again, highly recommend this practice.

Randomly, I think this 4-step happiness process is part of why I get such unexpected joy from the site Goodreads. It lets me anticipate reading books, savor the experience as I update my progress, express my happiness through reviews and recommendations, and recall memories when I look back to see what books I’ve read. Someone marketed reading in such a way as to optimize the happiness you can take from it. It makes me wonder if other companies have also considered this, and what level of that type of thinking, if any, goes into marketing campaigns.