I’ve been so stretched for time, I haven’t blogged in a month. I haven’t kept up with my positivity journal, or processed anything, and it stresses me out even further. It’s not a great place to be in, mentally.

Things have been crazy. I was out of town for a week on vacation. I’ve been home for 18 days, and I only spent 3 of those nights at home/by myself. Seriously. Between different groups of friends and a new dating prospect, there has been NO TIME. Two of those nights I was home were spent building furniture. I’ve wracked up about $2500 in debt this month alone from furniture-purchasing.

To add to my general state of stress, I’m going to the frontlines again for work for two weeks, leaving this weekend. Preparing mentally, packing, and getting things prepped at work hasn’t been easy.

If that wasn’t enough, I had to move rooms before leaving, which meant painting one room, repainting another, and a variety of random home improvement things. I’m still bummed because I didn’t have a chance to go through my stuff as I moved it (I wanted to purge unused things), but at least it’s moved and it looks good.

Further, my sister has been hospitalized 4 separate times within the last month (mental hospitalization). She’s been brought by cops each time. Two times, drugs stronger than weed have been involved. She’s officially bipolar manic depressive with psychotic episodes, and she doesn’t take her meds. She was evicted, and her fiance is apparently on the edge of breaking up with her. My mom is about to lose her shit because of all the stress. It sucks. The phone calls bringing up my past and spewing emotions and insanity whilst threatening visits aren’t helping either.

I have so much to process and think about, especially to try to recount positive memories as of late. There have been some. Unfortunately, I think I’ve been a panic-ridden mess lately to most people in my life. I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My to-do lists seem never-ending, and I just haven’t had the time I need to decompress.

I’ve been sort of seeing someone; it’s casual, but we’ve gone out 7 times. I have fun when we’re together, despite the fact that there are tiny things that don’t appeal to me. I’ve been more attracted to others, and it’d be great if he were a more decisive, gentlemanly type…but he treats me well and is open-minded. He’s much less experienced than anyone I’ve ever been with, and more religious. I do like him. I feel like crap though because the last three times we’ve hung out, we haven’t gone very far sexually. (There have definitely been times when we were there, though, so it seems extra weird to have done things and then not do them.)  Tonight, I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t let go enough to enjoy myself. I’m so stressed, I couldn’t process. He seemed really ok with it, listened, cuddled for a hot minute, and talked as if he’d still be in touch/interested in hanging out/understood…but I feel bad. I feel like a tease. I don’t want him to lose interest because of it, but I don’t want to do things I’m not in the mood for either. Then, of course, as he was leaving I was able to relax a bit more and sort of get into it…but then it’s too late.

In times like this, I need a man who will pin me down, look in my eyes, and command me to focus on the moment and him. Then, he can slowly kiss and caress me and I’ll get into it and relax and we can all be good. He can use pain to draw me to the moment if I start to drift away mentally. This is where kink helps me relax into things. I’m so out of control right now that I’m worrying about everything. We’re making out, and I’m still thinking – about what may happen, how he’s doing, if my roommate will hear, etc. He takes the initiative to get pinchey/bitey, which is awesome, but I need someone to assert and take control of the situation in a way that leaves me no choice, otherwise I still worry and feel like I should be controlling things. Feeling like I should be in control when I’m so incapable of being so at this moment makes me worry and not relax. Ugh. How do I explain that? Do I? I guess I should, should we see each other again, that way he can try to do it…he’s been open to trying things before. But then, part of me just wishes I could find the right Dominant man who would just *be* that way.

Pondering Suburbs and Vacations

After talking about discipline, I found it interesting to read two blog posts that sort of relate.

First, this author is talking about living in the suburbs: 4 Reasons I Hate The Suburbs. Her first point is hating driving – I don’t mind it. The second – everything looks the same – is usually true, but in older or smaller towns isn’t. Some towns retain character. The mediocre food in massive quantities, well, yes, but also – large kitchens, fresh produce from nearby farms, and more dinner parties with neighbors. With that, in suburbs people make more of an effort to know their neighbors and integrate into their community. The last point, however, is the one that resonated. The issue here is falling into a routine of averageness and never leaving the suburbs. Leaving aside, the routine of averageness…well, that appeals to me.

I lack routines. I enjoy adventure and trying new things, and I like having lots to do at my disposal. I really wouldn’t mind limiting those things to one day on a weekend and having routines and outdoor/country or homebody things the rest of the time. Averageness of schools and PTA and work…sounds kind of awesome. It sounds like a life that could easily be just as fulfilling as one spent going to different happy hours and events. (It also sounds more economical.) This is how I know I’m not meant to stay this close to a major city. I need to be further out in the suburbs or in a smaller area. I need the built-in slower pace so that my inclination to be busy and speed things up isn’t on top of an already hectic pace.

A second article I read today was about How You Let Loose on Vacation. The author wrote:

Do you take the opportunity to do something you’d never do in your regular life? Does “letting loose” mean collecting as many beads as you can on Bourbon Street, or would you rather get your kicks from trying something that scares you?

Personally, I love all of these things. My perfect vacation would be a medium-luxury style hotel or a nice cabin in the mountains on a a large lake, in mid to late summer – or a beachy town/driving distance to beach. It would involve photography (of nature and/or architecture), a bonfire with marshmallow roasting, stargazing, hot tubs, boating, and copious sex. It would also involve something I’ve never done, whether that be learning to fly fish, taking a helicopter tour, going hanggliding, cooking class, local winery visit, etc. For the perfect vacation, it would have at least one day spent in a nearby major city (think Denver, Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, etc.) with some shopping, a museum or two, a really nice dinner, and maybe a massage or pedicure. Basically…time to relax, read, and pamper; an adventure; connecting with nature; some social moments; all tinged with a tad of luxury that makes me feel like I’m not at home and I’m special for the week.

I was thinking about this because more than ever, my vacations are spent visiting family or cramming in some fun in an “urban adventure.” I haven’t had a vacation with the things I enjoy most since Gulf Shores my first year of grad school. I used to prioritize it quite a bit, but that was when I had built in breaks. Now my time with family is also my vacation time, and my vacation style doesn’t mesh with my family’s.

Loving the Holidays Already

I know I’m homesick when:

Getting a card in the mail from the ‘rents makes me tear up.

Seeing all the holiday stuff in the store makes me emotional.

Seeing a missed call from my mom jerks the strings again.

Then, I get a phone call when I hear all about the endless drama at home. This proceeds to make me even more exhausted, tired, and stressed.

I need a vacation to someplace warm and sandy, with only positive, supportive people around me. Please?

Pumped

I’m pumped. I just bought tickets to Boston for an extended labor day vacation, and I’ll get to see my aunt and uncle for a long while. I used to spend two weeks every summer with them, but the past two years I’ve been too busy with school/work to be able to go. I won’t be at the beach this time, but I’m thankful for what I can get. AND I just found they have tickets to Red Sox v. Rangers :). It’ll be perfect.

I also am going to another rope event Friday night, which will be lots of fun. I think I’m one of few folks who is hesitant to strip down to the skivies, but I’m too modest for that. In a one-on-one play session, it’s a bit different, but for an event like this I’m not comfortable with it. It’s a shame, too, because I think some riggers get thrown off by clothes. Either way, it’ll be fun.

I also broke out my charcoal pencils and sketched the eiffel tower, and it came out surprisingly well. I may have to do more of it. I always forget how much I enjoy art.

Spring Break ’11

This time last year, I was in Houston, returning from Jamaica. I was just hearing back from grad schools, making decisions, working on my thesis, and preparing for graduation.

This year, I’m in Gulf Shores, Alabama with new friends. I’m fielding internship offers, and generally really enjoying life. I spent the day today in New Orleans, and it was amazing.

Tomorrow will be spent on the beach, even though it is a bit chilly. Then, we have about 17 hours of driving to get back to the ‘Burgh. Afterwards, bring on the semester of hell.

I’ll be taking six courses… crazy hard man sci II, financial analysis, policy innovation (mainly international), policy implementation (bureaucracy 101), digital transformation for managers, and energy and economics. I’ll also be working 10 hrs/week, as well as leading several events for the organization I co-lead.

Next weekend, my parents come to visit for my birthday. Then I turn 23, and I’m assuming that weekend will be full of fun in a myriad of ways. The first weekend of April is Boston for a conference, and then I have 5 weekends, including finals week. One of those weekends will be the Pittsburgh GRUE. I am hoping to have many kink experiences as well as some more ‘burghy ones. I want to go to Phipps, the Aviary, and the Heinz history museum.

PS BTW – I have a splinter in my foot, and the skin has grown over it. It hurts kind of badly, and won’t be able to be removed until the skin is cut or regenerated. Soooo here’s to hoping that happens.

Breaking from Break

I have officially had enough of break. I can’t take this much “rest and relaxation.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I like break. The first week was awesome, having free time and whatnot. But, having free time in a place with stuff to do where there are people to do things with is much different than what my break is like. The people I know in Indiana have dispersed, have real jobs, and have no break. Pittsburgh people are all across the country (and globe), and not nearby. Isolation is not cool.

When I’m in school, I may be so busy I’m freaked out, but I have a TON of social interaction, and I never feel like I’m “out” of things to do. I like that version of my life much better than the idleness version.

I’m trying to remember this is likely the last time I’ll ever have this type of break, so I should enjoy it. I don’t know when I’ll be home again, so I should revel in it. 3 weeks later, though, and it’s getting difficult.

Funnily enough, I had a conversation with my dad yesterday (who has been on “Vacation” most of the time I’ve been home), and he’s going nuts too. He enrolled in a training course due to boredom. It’s easy to see where I get it from!

On an entirely different note… Wouldn’t it be fun to attend a vanilla NYE party, with hidden rope bondage all underneath the fancy outfit? It’d be such a pleasant way to bring in the new year…especially if denial led to an orgasmic kiss at midnight. *someday.*

 

**Addendum, Jan 3**

I spoke too soon. I just got assigned 200+ pages of readings for two of my courses that start next week. Half on counterinsurgency (COIN) theory, and half on medical marijuana. Should certainly be a diverse semester…and now I have a TON to do, and I’m already missing my tv, shopping, and reading. I feel normal now.