Vanilla Dating

Benefit of dating – being introduced to new bands, books, TV shows, etc. For one – I’m LOVING Steep Canyon Rangers, courtesy of my most recent date. I’m especially loving a Pandora station created with Steep Canyon Rangers, Luke Bryan, Phillip Phillips, and Bruno Mars; I highly recommend it. (Ron Pope)

Awkward things about dating vanilla guys when you’re kinky (or maybe just when you’re me):

  • Explaining how you met your friends

In most vanilla circles, you meet friends from one of the following avenues:  college, grad school, work, through a family member/friend/coworker, through an alumni/young professional group, through a religious or ethnic association, or through intramurals/a class.  Saying you met through Fetlife or a dungeon event is totally out. Happy hours and classes work, but prompt the “what kind of happy hour/class” “can I go to those happy hours,” leading you to potentially incriminate yourself.

  • Explaining hobbies

I love to write, and it is one of the few hobbies that I engage in regularly. Unfortunately, letting slip or disclosing that I love to write prompts the “what about” question…but my writing primarily consists of a regularly written-in intimate blog and erotic fiction. My fiction isn’t romance and flower erotica either, but rather explicit and very obviously kinky (teasing and denial, M/s dynamics, bondage, and sadomasochism are frequent themes). Sharing erotic stories with a lover isn’t a stretch, but sharing these with a vanilla lover would be incriminating.

  • Explaining collections or items in your house

As a result of my interest in bondage and shibari, I know a lot about knots and own a helluva lot of rope. Unfortunately, while I’ve crocheted I don’t have many crocheted items as proof, and while I’m interested in sailing, I haven’t done it much, leaving me with a lack of ways to explain all the stuff. I can hide it, but that only goes so well.

Most guys love to find their girlfriend’s sex toy drawer, and some of the items are fun for two no matter the kink level – a feather, lube, vibrator. The nipple clamps, paddle, and wartenburg wheel might get some questions, though. Again, I can hide it, but that sucks.

  • Explaining the difference between furry handcuffs fantasies and participating in the kink community

That awkward moment when you have to explain that being kinky isn’t just handcuffs in bed, but involves parties where sex could be happening, whips and knives abound, and the outfit of choice is lingerie.

Explaining multi-day kink events, and trying to figure out whether or not it’s cheating/lying to not disclose the type of event before going on a prolonged “camping trip.”

Wanting to be spanked lightly during sex and wanting someone to beat you until you’re bruised is different. Wanting someone to enjoy beating you until you’re bruised – even more different. Sadomasochism opens up a whole new can of worms.

Being interested in D/s or M/s with a vanilla partner is tricky, even if they’re into it – explaining the responsibilities of being dominant, the nuances of power exchange, and trying it out as the more-experience submissive partner can be a communication nightmare.

  • Explaining your sexual history

Do you count play partners as sex partners when there was no direct sexual contact, but you were almost fully unclothed? Where’s the line? Discussing how some kinks feel sexual but don’t involve direct sexual interaction is complicated and can go quite poorly.

  • Hoping to find someone open-minded and into it, but not too into it

I want someone to whom I can confess – with little to no embarrassment – “I want you to have me helpless, torment, and hurt me” who may actually want to do that, but also who isn’t keen on punching me in the face or raping me in a back alley.

Drawing that line of “Just because I’m interested in X,Y, and Z and I may have done X, Y, and Z with other people doesn’t mean I’m interested in doing Y with you.”

7/31 Rapture! (And growing up.)

Rapture was this past weekend, and I had a blast as usual. It took a bit of jager and some hip hop, but I let loose and danced for about an hour.  My general whiteness, prudishness, and pudginess keep people from thinking I can dance, but I can bust a move. I was blessed with good rhythm, took dance classes when I was young, and did choreographed competitive routines in high school. (Plus, all people from my area of the Midwest dance like they do in Detroit. Our high school dances were all bump-and-grind, at least until chaperones forcibly stopped us.)  So, I danced! I danced with women, I danced with men, I gave lap dances – all in a corset! Predictably, the next morning my thighs were incredibly sore from dropping it like it was hot.

I also played again with needles…and I climaxed just from that. Talk about endorphins! It still amazes me that I can react that way to pain, let alone to needles. I hate needles! They scare me, puncturing skin squicks me out, and I don’t like blood. Throughout play, I’m squeezing someone’s hand or a table with a death grip, and I squeak a bit, but it also sends all sorts of tingly messages elsewhere in my body. Plus, with the gauge of needle we used, there were no marks and no real lingering soreness, making it far too simple to use this is a way to fill my occasional pain cravings. 

Otherwise, as I alluded to a bit ago, I ended things with vanilla guy (finally). I may have gotten a tad over-anxious in the lead-up to that…I definitely used friends and google as resources. I eventually ended up with something about how it was missing the connection I was seeking in a longer-term partner. While true, it still kind of sucked. Thankfully, he was really civil and nice about the whole thing, and I’m proud of myself for growing up, owning my feelings, and not wasting his or my time.

Honestly though, it’s amazing to me how you can get along with someone so well yet still not necessarily feel any sexual attraction to them. It’s even harder to comprehend sometimes how one person can feel something strongly when another doesn’t. I feel like it’s so rare to find someone you mesh with on all levels, including sexually, and to have both people acknowledge it and be ready and able to develop a relationship. Those who have found that, treasure it.

As part of the ‘nilla “break-up,” I caught up with my vanilla BFF who always has this incredible knack of putting my life in perspective. She’s the strongest Christian I know, and yet she’s also the one who knows the most details about my kinky interactions. She’s amazing. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. I tend to look after her like a big sister.  I’ve been kind of on-edge since a few weeks before graduation, stuck in this go-go-go cycle. Basically, my irrational, unfounded fear of not having plans or friends post-grad resulted in me fostering so many relationships that now I’m overwhelmed with plans.

Basically, my fear of being alone left me with no time to be alone, and now I’m craving that alone time. It’s twisted. I genuinely like my varied friend groups, I have fun with them, and I want to hang out with them. Thing is, I have my grad school folks and my kinky folks, kinky events and dating, and then the “catch-up” and “new” people. Fake sister pointed out that if I haven’t seen someone in months or years, they can wait a while longer if it means I have more time to myself. Valid point.

Essentially, I need to prioritize getting my shit together, and start establishing a routine. I need to formalize a laundry day and grocery day, make lunches in advance, and fit in time for the gym (maybe overlap it with catching up on favorite shows?) on top of my social life. I’ve been prioritizing the social life, which while fun, ends up draining energy and making me feel anxious for missing the rest of things…plus it’s costly and not always healthiest.