Day 27, 30 Days of Kink

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Short answer, no.

Longer answer:

I’m not really the type of person who has a short set of discrete interests. Someone recently called me a polymath, which seemed like a flattering interpretation of my reality. Basically, I have a lot of interests and things that I enjoy doing. I have ADHD symptoms, and so I’ve gotten good at entertaining myself despite a relatively short attention span. I’d say the easiest go-to “hobbies” would be reading, writing (short stories, this blog, on occasion lyrics), watching tv, surfing the internet (I love researching new subjects and planning events/vacations), and spending time with people. I have full supplies and go through phases where I am more or less into making jewelry (beading, specifically), painting, photography, singing, and crocheting. I also love to dance and occasionally get into crazy fitness spurts. I enjoy cooking.

Most importantly, I enjoy spending time with friends and trying new things. When I have the option to hang out with people, no matter what it is that they’re doing, I’ll usually take it. I plan things so that I can have new experiences, whether it be a new movie or restaurant or whitewater rafting. When I’m not with other people, I either get really crafty or delve into a book or tv. I’m also one of those nutsy folks who can paint or read or write with music or the TV on…again, short attention span, lots of energy.

None of those things are kinky. My natural inclination to seek out new experiences and interesting people, well, that kind of overlaps with my general involvement in the kink community, but that’s as far as I’d say it goes. If anything, my interest and involvement in kink is more of a hobby than anything else I do regularly or semi-regularly.

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6/18

I’ve now been on two dates with a vanilla guy, and it’s starting to get kind of complicated. I met him via OkCupid, and while it does say I’m “more kinky,” I’m not sure how seriously people take that. I guess I was skeptical that anything would come from the site in the first place, and was hesitant about how much kink is necessary, so I went ahead and met him for a date. Thing is, the first two dates have gone well. We have a lot of things in common, similar senses of humor, etc. That said, I didn’t realize how much my life is kinky now. A good deal of my friends and activities are centered around the kinky community.

He gave me an opportunity to talk about kink on date 2, in that he mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. I alluded about my friends who were disappointed in how the books represent kink, but I didn’t mention my own interest (basically, I’m a chicken-shit). I mean, he’s bright, maybe he can draw some conclusions, but most people wouldn’t have any idea how involved the kinky community can be. Alas, I’m confused. Do I just pre-emptively cut it off? Do I try to bring up kink? I don’t want to lead him on, but I honestly just don’t know if it’s a dealbreaker for me. Unfortunately, I’m suspecting it’s more of one than I thought it would be. Which means, for future encounters, I really should try to mention it in my profile directly or in a first message…but how to do so without threatening my professional life? Grr…

In other things, I attended a class last week on play negotiations and contracts. I really appreciated the presenters point of view, and it was a great class. One thing that stuck with me was her comment that when you’re seeing someone regularly for several weeks and attending events based on one another’s attendance, then you’re in a relationship with that person. You may not be romantically involved, but it’s definitely something more than acquaintances. She suggested some ways to bring up romance in a nonthreatening way should you want to bring play into something more. I really appreciated the class because it was the first time someone directly addressed how to deal with the messed up relationship strata that make up kink.

I was also informed by some vanilla friends this weekend that I’m really not great at showing when I’m interested in someone. It stems from a fear of rejection and of appearing too clingy, combined with my innate stubbornness and pride. Not good. I’m working on growing into my flirty self.

I started my new job today. It’s a bit of a boys club, though; I was the only female in orientation and it looks like most of the women are in HR. I really liked everyone I met today, though, which was great. The IT folks, HR people, security folks, and other new hires were all very friendly and welcoming. I still don’t know who exactly I’ll be working with, but I’m handling it. I’ve never worked in this small of an office, and it’s really nice. IT isn’t just a nameless division, but is a handful of people who I can get to know. It feels more close-knit, which is an interesting change. I also learned more about what deployment would look like, and while it sounds rough and scary, I think it could be a great thing. You get 170% of your salary while there, as well as a bunch of overtimes and such – and housing and food are free! Going for a year would be a super fast way to pay off student loans…but could also result in death. So, you know, trade offs.

Day 16, 30 Days of Kink

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

There are two things that are rather equally difficult for me: hiding/lying and dating.

First, I have an absolutely horrible poker face. I can’t lie. I am honest to a fault. If you know me at all, you would immediately be aware I was hiding something. More than that, I like to share stories, advice, and life in general with my loved ones. I enjoy girly gossip, and I highly value the insights of my friends on my actions. A lot of people I meet in the kinky community only hang out with other kinky folks, in part because they can have all of these things without explanations. Thing is, I love my ‘nilla friends. They are amazing people. I find it incredibly difficult, though, to not discuss kinky things.

More than that, it’s not just omitting or not sharing, it’s straight up hiding or lying. I have to make excuses for where I’m going when I attend kink events, and I have to keep this whole huge part of my personality and life secret. I hate that. I also have to keep things hidden or at the very least, very discreet, due to my professional interests. I want to be free and open and have no worries about it. It is stressful and hard to hide and lie about my kink, because it is more than sexuality but rather is part of my identification and personality.

Second, I find dating way more difficult as a kinky person. Primarily, my pool of available men shrinks considerably when I add kink, even more so as a relatively monogamous kinkster. I’ve met many men who are interested and I’m attracted to, but who aren’t kinky, and it just hasn’t worked. I despise having to bring up kink to vanilla folks and walk that mine-filled road. And more than all that, I hate that within kink, it’s incredibly difficult to distinguish romantic interest from play-only, sex-only, casual-only, etc. relationships. Dating in the vanilla world has always been much more straight forward for me.

2/20 – Post DOWF

It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m  incredibly tired.

One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.

In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up.  It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.

Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.

Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).

In a collection of randoms…

  • I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
  • I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
  • The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
  • Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – http://www.minnalife.com/?gclid=COfmm5zpra4CFacQNAodxkzmQw. It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
  • My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.

1-22

I feel a little bit like I’m leading a double life lately. I mean, I kind of am, but it’s been a bit more real. I have to alternate which group of friends to hang out with, and I can’t divulge details about one to the other. It really became noticeable this weekend. A lot of my female vanilla friends keep encouraging me to get together with one of our male vanilla friends. It gets tricky because I do have some feelings for this guy, but he’s as vanilla as they come and he leans more s-type anyhow. I’m not to the point where I feel comfortable saying I can go without kink or without at least talking openly about it in a relationship, but nor am I at the point where I think it is a necessary thing either… I don’t know. I’m just not ready to risk a solid friendship, especially added to the fact that we are in classes and everything together too. I can’t explain the kinky reasoning or this dilemma to the friends pressuring me, so they don’t get why I’m not going for it. Seriously, it gets messy and I don’t have time for drama.

That aside, I’ve realized that I have issues with authority. I find this highly ironic given my intense attraction to authoritative figures. Thing is, I’m a skeptical person. I don’t just accept what I’m told – I question and figure out for myself whether or not to agree or accept things. I like to make up my own mind. Once someone has proven themselves knowledgable or essentially just gained my respect, I fully defer to their authority and I love having it there. I just don’t accept it as easily initially as most people. This translates into my BDSM interactions too. Basically, I’m not going to defer to someone who isn’t worthy of it or whom I can’t respect.

I keep warring between accepting and reveling in my masochism and kind of shying away and hiding it. It’s so complicated. I experienced my first cutting scene (which was horrifying and exhilarating), and I can’t wait to do it again. On some levels, I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how much pain I can endure and enjoy, and I’m excited that people want to hurt me. I want to show off my marks and play with pain. But then, at the same time, I’m worried I’m going to seem too extreme and scare off potential partners. I don’t want to be too extreme, or considered even freakier among the kinky community. I don’t know, my brain gets too confused about it sometimes. I don’t like being outside society’s norms, and I feel like my masochism pushes me even farther out than most of my kinky interests.

Random, but we have a 2 hour delay for work tomorrow. I’ll have to skip some lunches or something to make up for it if I want the money, but the extra sleep will be worth it. Since I start earlier than 9 normally, it’s even more sleep for me! I guess I’ll have to head out at 10:15am, which pretty much makes my day.

I was supposed to go dancing on Saturday night, and my friends flaked. I still got to hang out with some great people, but still it kind of was a kill joy. I realized that I don’t have people down for adventure around DC. My friends are fun and no matter what we do, I enjoy it. Occasionally, I can convince people here to do something random and different. Thing is, I’m used to at least having one person always down for a last minute road trip or dancing or snow tubing or something. I understand getting tired and introverted, or wanting there to be more people involved, but it’s nice to have one person who’s always up for it. I’m spoiled because last year I had that person, and this year she’s back in Pittsburgh. I need to figure out who that person here can be.

December Randoms

Today’s going to be a random’s day.

First, relationships are great, and sex is great, but they are for connection not ego. I feel like that gets lost in the kinky community sometimes with the prevalence of poly.

Second, I’ve lost 13.2 lbs in total now, as well as several inches from my waist and hips (and none from my bust, thankfully 🙂 ). I’m pretty happy with the way that’s going.

Third, I’m almost entirely finished with school for the semester! My capstone project is going well thus far, and we have direction which is good. We’re going to be working on financing aviation transportation. We’re still working on narrowing the scope. I think I’m going to get A’s in all of my classes, too, which is great.

Fourth, I’ve now applied for 27 jobs for post-grad. It may seem excessive, but that’s what you gotta do. Hopefully one will pan out! I’ve had a few inquiries in response, so I have hope. (The 6 months I have left to figure it out certainly help, too.)

Fifth, I got an outstanding review at work. My supervisors all told me they couldn’t think of any constructive criticism, and that I’m doing a great job. It’s nice to be rewarded for my hard work, and it was good to see what things they value in me (my initiative was a big one). I really love my job right now, it’s a perfect fit for me. I feel blessed to know what I like doing. If only the budget was figured out and I could stay there permanently.

Sixth, New Year’s Eve is a horrid movie. But, it did give me some thoughts on new years resolutions and made me feel a bit sentimental. I’ve never had a great New Year’s eve, mainly since I’m in Indiana for the holidays, and there’s not much there. I might try to swing a trip to Chicago this year.

Seventh, I keep having inklings of thoughts about one of my guy friends. I’m not sure what to do about it at this point, since dating someone in my program is a bad idea, he’s very vanilla, and I have no idea if he is also interested. That said, I really enjoy his company. For now, that’ll do. Plus, I don’t know how much of my interest stems from convenience, and that’s never a good idea.

Eighth, is it weird for a girl to randomly message a guy on fetlife? There are some men that seem interesting, but I don’t know if it is strange for the girl to make contact. It’s more strange too since I’m a bottom/submissive, so that naturally screams “don’t make the first move!” That said, I’ve never been great at holding off from pursuing things I’m interested in…  But I’m also very socially awkward with men, especially when I’m uncertain of the parameters of the contact. Ugh.

Ninth, favorite music of the moment includes David Guetta, The Band Perry, Florence and the Machine, Demi Lovato, Rihanna, and Christina Perri.

Tenth, I go home on Saturday! I’m excited to see my family. I had some hard times this week communicating with my parents and having my mom’s bipolar get more crazy than usual, though, so I have more than a little trepidation about spending 3 weeks with all of the potential drama.

In other news, the writing bug is nipping at my toes. I’m not sure on inspiration right now, though. I may go the traditional route, and do something with the kink being uncovered by a seemingly vanilla friend, who then dominantly seduces the heroine.  I could do something with truth or dare. There’s also the allure of covert bondage in a public place. I could always do a traditionally romantic thing with meeting someone at a kink event, and maybe do a first date gone kinky. I’d love to do something that focuses more on S&m and less on teasing and denial, to break a little out of my shell, but I’m not sure of a good way to set that up. Hmm. Ideas are welcome.

Also, for some bizarre reason, I’m craving someone biting my neck. I just want someone to either use a pointy object or teeth on that spot just where the neck meets shoulder…*shiver* That would do it for me right now.

Vanilla Guy

I think I like him…kind of a lot.

But how much is just friendship, because I’ve never had a really, honest-to-God close male friend?

He’s really cute though. And tall. And so, SO nice. And smart. And interesting.

But he also can’t make decisions at all, is slow to take a stand, and needs taking care of.

But then he’s super loyal, and when he gets angry and assertive about things it’s downright sexy.

He’s also likely entirely vanilla. It’s hard to imagine doing sexual things with him, but it’s impossible to imagine him administering a spanking or tying me up. God. I feel dirty thinking it.

Then I feel dirty for wanting it, and I wonder if I really need kink at all.

Which leads to – if I’m going to be with a super awesome, nice vanilla guy, it would be – should be – this guy.

Hah! I don’t even know if he’d be interested at all!

Aojidl;knvm,xm. <– confusing.