#DO:WF

Wow, what a crazy weekend, and holy shit how things have changed in a year.  I’m probably going to post a few separate things to process everything going through my head, but for now, I’m going to go with a daily recap. First off, for more information on Dark Odyssey and associated events, click here or visit this group on fetlife.

Friday

I started the weekend right by taking off Friday from work. I’m very glad I did, as it gave me time to get ready, pack, go to target, and check-in/register early during the day. I was originally planning on rooming with three friends, but then last minute ended up adding a fifth person to our room. We also had two others use our room to store bags and change. It got a bit crowded, but worked out all right. I’m glad I stayed in the host hotel again, as it makes everything a little more relaxing and the whole experience sort of becomes a mini-vacation.

I went to one class on Friday, “Electricity 101 with Mister Sean.” Recurring theme of the weekend – stun guns and cattle prods scare the shit out of me. It’s the noise combined with the literal shock of it. I logically know it won’t be all that painful, but I can’t help the innate fear. (Similar to needles and knives – no matter how much I enjoy it, I’m still scared). I tried a new toy in class, a folsom tens unit. It’s a lot stronger than other toys. I’m not a fan of the jumpy muscle feeling, but I admit that with electrodes from this unit on the inner thighs it’d probably make a great orgasm.

I did a lot of socializing on Friday, from dinner at B.Smiths (fabulous!) with friends, to the burlesque review, to late night chattering. I also perused the vending, but held off on buying things to ponder it. I had one scene Friday night involving rope and some sadism, a few of my favorite things. My nipples were tormented for a good portion of our lengthy scene, and they are still bruised…I got out of the shower on Sunday and one was bleeding. I’m always a little disturbed by how fragile my nipple are. I guess I should be thankful that they’re that sensitive?

Saturday

Saturday morning started early with some coffee and Lady Aisha’s class on alternative beatings. I really enjoyed this class because it emphasized some basic themes of negotiation and how/where to hit. I had volunteered to be a demo bottom, although there really wasn’t much need for it. Some of my friends used a few of the implements on my ass, and I gave a few whacks to a friend with a paddle. I then went to the “Better Blowjobs” class. I learned a bit about human anatomy, but I was a tad disappointed that there wasn’t a demo. I also learned that petroleum/lip gloss melts condoms. After lunch, I went to a discussion circle about topping. It’s interesting to think about topping and learn about that perspective since I normally bottom. I have a list of insights that I’m going to ponder at some point.

I watched a chick flick with friends (napping…we suck at it), had some dinner, than went to the drag queen a capella show (which was AWESOME). I also bought a leather strap and acrylic paddle from vending (leather by Danny, website here), which I’m super pumped about.  Saturday was a bit stressful because a bunch of friends bought day passes, and I felt pulled in a bunch of directions. I started the play part of the evening by getting beat up on by someone new, a friend of a friend who is newer to the scene. He used his cane and my two new toys, and it was really fun. I love the acrylic paddle because it can deliver thud and sting, and it’s easy for people to be a bit heavy-handed with it. Plus it’s pretty! All that aside, this was a second play instance where the person hurting me had a shit-eating grin, and that just makes me all happy inside. I love being hurt by people who are clearly having fun doing it.

After that, I had a very intense scene with someone else I’d never played with before. I probably needed more build up during that scene, but I think that was the highest number of times I’ve had to yellow before. I was tearing up/on the verge of sobbing, and I hadn’t expected that. Recurring theme of the weekend 2 – beating my calves is going to be a soft limit from now on, as are single-tails.

I socialized a bit more and came down from that scene, then I decided to go see what some friends were up to. I gathered my courage and went to a “sexy funtime party.” Last year, I went to this party and was a bit freaked out and awkward the whole time.  A lot has changed since then. Context here, is that normally I’m pretty sexually reserved. I don’t usually do a lot of sexual play outside of lengthy friendship/relationships. That said, I was really amped up this weekend, and honestly, I wanted to get down and dirty. There was some internal debate about whether or not people would judge me if I got slutty, but by Saturday night I’d gotten to the “fuck you if you judge me” stage and figured why the hell not. (To clarify, when I talk about slutty for me, it’s anything more than making out with someone when I don’t know them very, very well.) I went to the party, drank a bit, flirted, got beat on by a good friend, and did some sexy things with a few other friends. I’m not usually one for public sexual activity either, so I was a little embarrassed that a few people I didn’t know too well saw me doing some things…but all the same, lots of fun :).

Sunday

Since I was up until 5am at that party, Sunday morning was not my friend. I did drag my ass out of bed to go to an 11:30 rope class. I’m glad I did, too, because I learned a few new ties that I can use and enjoy. I also got super rope spaced out from a simple elbow bondage tie…what can I say, I really like restrictive rope bondage. After lunch, I crashed and ended up passing out for several hours. I was disappointed in myself for missing a few classes, but I also needed to get sleep or I knew I wouldn’t make it through the night. There was dinner, then the gender blender show.

My first scene Sunday was a casual thing to test out my switchy side. I’d had one scene where I cotopped a guy, but it was mainly sensual teasing with a wartenburg wheel, and it was different because my partner in crime was his longtime partner. This time, a really good friend and I beat up on another friend. We were all cracking up hysterically the entire time, which was really entertaining. I need to learn a bit more about where to not hit, but I quite enjoyed getting a bit sadistic. (Third recurring theme: I’m a bit of a sadist.)

I then went to get hurt by a female top I know. It was really intense, and involved lots of screaming on my end. I was shaking for at least 30 minutes afterwards, but really enjoyed it. I followed that up with socializing, then violet wand play with a couple I know from Rapture. I really enjoy the violet wand – the shocks surprise me, which makes me giggle, and the pain is all sensual for me. I really want to try out some conductive rope at some point.

Weekend Thoughts

I need to have a little less stress next time. That means 1) less people in the room, or only people I know uber well, 2) more sleep, or scheduled naptime 3) more liquids! and 4) firmer “no”s and less vague commitments.

I’m switchy. I don’t have any desire to be “Dominant” and be on the top-side of power exchange in a D/s context, but I like teasing and hurting people that enjoy it, and I don’t mind occasionally having people at my mercy. So, ideally, I’d be in a relationship with a guy where I was primarily his sub, but then maybe occasionally I could have my way with him or  together/separately we could top another mutual friend. I don’t know, but the evolution continues.

Pain to my calves hurts like a motherfucker and is a new soft limit. Single tails are a new soft limit because they cause instant tears. Fear gets me going – someone scared the hell out of me with a stun gun, but the look in his eyes and the vulnerability turned me on something fierce.

More sexy fun things!

Links and Love

With Valentine’s Day coming up this week, all the blogs I follow are bursting at the seams with mentions of love and such. Being single and having had a number of…interesting, shall we say?…dating adventures the last few months, it’s a tad annoying. My personal motto for getting through this holiday when not in a relationship: single doesn’t have to mean solitary. I’m blessed to have great friends and a lot going on, so I don’t really get lonely so much as horny. That said, ick at the preponderance of hearts and pink.

That aside, some interesting love-related articles:

My favorite is from Madagascar: “Love is like seaweed: you go to her, she leaves you, you leave her, she follows you.”

Favorite line: “Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”
-Veronica A. Shoffstall

Other randoms:

Finished another book in all of 3 hours the other night: Easy by Tammara Webber. It was a quick read, and reminded me why I enjoy trashy fiction.

CoCo Sala has fabulous brunch, but be prepared to go into a sugar coma.

I need more routines in my life. I say that a lot, but I’m finally working on getting some down.

Winter Fire in T-minus 3 days! I’m nervous and excited. I can’t wait for all the shows. My friend said it’s like they designed this year’s programming just for me, and she’s right. That said, I’m a little bummed that a lot of the classes I’m interested in are at the same time. I’m also nervous since I don’t have many play dates scheduled – I hope I don’t end up wallflowering too much. I’m worried that my room will end up too crowded or people won’t pay me their portion. I’m also hugely excited to spend a weekend with some of my favorite kinky friends.

In yoga, they have time for meditation. We’re supposed to relax and focus on not thinking. All I can do is think about how I can’t not think. Yes, it’s ridiculous. I think the only times I really relax fully and surrender to the moment are when I’m doing rope or kinky things and I’ve given up control, or when I’m full of adrenaline from a new adventure.

 

2/20 – Post DOWF

It has been a crazy weekend. I’m going to try to process some of it, but I know it’ll only be the tip of the iceberg as I’m  incredibly tired.

One of the things that’s staying with me the most right now is the whole masochist thing. Basically, I’m *still* not comfortable with my own masochism. I’d have thought that by this time, I’d finally be over it. I war with accepting and reveling in my enjoyment of pain, and being ashamed and disturbed by it. It’s funny, because at an event like DOWF, with people getting beat up on and everyone so open-minded, I’d have thought I’d feel less bothered by my own kinky desires. One of these days I’m going to work it out in my mind so that I’m not embarrassed or upset by liking pain.

In other news, I felt more switchy this weekend than I ever have before. I don’t know if it’s a side-effect of my evolving confidence and growth, or something else. I just have started to realize how hot it could be to turn the tables and potentially bind my partner and tease him, bring him off, etc. It’s a different type of sexy, but hot all the same. I don’t think I could ever really do much in the way of pain though. At some point, maybe I’ll try tying someone up.  It’s interesting to think about how over the past year and half I’ve gone from relatively intensely submissive to bottom to bottom/kinkster/possibly switchy. I guess I’ll blame it on increased knowledge, confidence, and open-mindedness. Things to ponder.

Another byproduct of the weekend is an increased awareness of my own awkwardness in regards to flirting and asking for play. It’s amusing, because my vanilla friends insist I’m not anywhere near as awkward as I think I am. I think my sense of awkwardness in the vanilla world stems from actual awkwardness in the kinky world, which stems from the prudish midwestern girl being thrust into the world of orgies and BDSM. Not surprising, but definitely frustrating. I went to a class on flirting, and the main idea is not to be too focused on rejection, because harping on that is actually kind of selfish in nature. I know logically I should just suck it up and ask, because if you don’t go after what you want you won’t get it, but it is still stupidly difficult. Friday night, I didn’t play at all because I was too intimidated by everyone and everything to go for it. The rest of the weekend went well, but I need to work on it. Shyness won more than I would have liked.

Now, I have to face reality. I’ve an interview tomorrow, my goodbye lunch for my internship (sad), and a whole bunch of work to do. I meant to summarize hearings and whatnot today, but that didn’t happen. I’m too tired. I will have to try to do it as fast as possible tomorrow in between things, and where that fails, stay late. I might go to a BR class on rope to help ease back into vanilla life, but that means Thursday is all homework. That, and errands aren’t happening today…a lot to deal with. Bonus – meeting cool people that live local that I can now hang out with more in the future :).

In a collection of randoms…

  • I really love watching the explosion on fetlife post-event, when everyone updates fetishes and adds friends, posts on groups and uploads photos. It’s fun and a nice come-down from the excitement (and a horrible procrastination facilitator).
  • I had some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen this weekend :).
  • The gender blender show made me a) want to dance and do a burlesque (next year!), and b) was worth the price of the tickets for the whole weekend because of how awesome it was.
  • Best sex toy ever (that I now own) – http://www.minnalife.com/?gclid=COfmm5zpra4CFacQNAodxkzmQw. It’s pressure controlled! Check it out.
  • My pain tolerance is directly dependent on my awareness of my surroundings. At big events, I can’t handle nearly as much since I get so distracted by all the people and noise around me. Lesson learned.

2/13

For my one minute of valentine’s day angst – it’d be really great to have someone special, if only to take advantage of all the interesting things around town.  I’ve been forwarding cool date and gift ideas to my friends, but it’d be nice to do one of them myself. My night will either be filled with homework, job applications, television and laundry, or possibly the BR class. What’s terrible, is that us girls always have the tiniest hope that some unknown quantity will surprise us with a romantic gesture. I blame chick flicks for encouraging that ridiculous notion.

Moving on from that… This past weekend was pretty awesome. I went ice skating, saw some old friends, and got to play a lot with rope. I was tied in some of the stricter positions I’ve ever been in. Lesson 1 – give more feedback, including whenever something tingles or hurts and don’t let myself feel like a complainer. Lesson 2 – eat something before playing. Takeaway 1 – stretch my arms a lot more to increase flexibility. Takeaway 2 –  complete immobilization is the most highly sexualized kinky interest I have; I get release in many ways from pain and other things, but there’s nothing like a good hogtie in terms of turning me on.

I had some uncomfortable issues with friends feeling left out – never my intention, which was unfortunate. I’m hopefully rectifying that. I also found a great place to go snow tubing, so hopefully that can happen soon. I also had a great discussion with my managing director and a kind of bittersweet one with HR. Essentially, unless I get an offer elsewhere before I get an official letter from the job offer I have, then I’m taking this job. Which is exciting! And scary, since the job has the potential to be dangerous.

Also, I’m getting very nervous for winter fire! I have no clue what clothing to bring/wear (and I HAVE to laundry prior to the event). I don’t know if I should drive and park for one day, multiple days, metro, etc. I don’t have any play things formally lined up, other than some vague discussions of “I’ll be there too.”  I’m hoping I’ll see people I know (or don’t know) that want to arrange something on the fly. I’m also hoping that I’ll meet friendly folks or see nice faces in the classes I choose to attend. Throughout it all, I hope to avoid seeing any people I know from the vanilla world at the event or (more likely) on the streets around the event. I don’t know how to explain the whole thing.

1/31 – Bye Bye January

I got the job! Well, sort of. I have moved on to the next stage of processing, aka extensive paperwork hell for security and medical clearances. I don’t have a salary offer yet, nor have I signed (or been asked to sign) an acceptance letter yet. But, they offered me the position contingent on all this crap. Crazy! So, now I have to decide how dangerously I want to live. I never thought about working in Afghanistan before. That said, I always said that if I was in better shape I probably would have enlisted…this is my civilian way of serving my country. The danger scares me, and in some ways the job isn’t ideal – it’s a male dominated office, the office has a bit of a bad rep, some of the jobs on contracts could be dull. On the other hand, having a top secret clearance, experience working with contractors, int’l experience, and lots of training/prof. development opportunities is a great deal for a first job. I feel like in many ways, it isn’t somewhere I want to be long, but is a good place to be for a short while. I’m going to move ahead with paperwork , and see what happens in the meantime.

I heard officially that I can’t stay where I’m at past Feb 22 – that’s the FINAL line. I’m now refocusing on something to fill the last 9 weeks of the semester so that I don’t go crazy with boredom. Hopefully, I’ll find something that will be good experience.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close made me cry (as expected), but was a great movie. It definitely deserves the nomination for best picture.

The number of people registered for DO:WF has surpassed 1,000. I’m more than a little overwhelmed by this. Hopefully I will not be hiding in a corner the whole weekend.

In other news, I’ve basically realized I’m afraid to date a vanilla guy at all. This is why I say no to second dates and shy away from flirting sometimes. I think I could handle not doing kinky stuff in a relationship, at least for the short term and I’m willing to try it. Thing is, I cannot and will not lie about who I am, and some members of the kinky community are good friends now. I can’t pretend to have not gone to events or participated in activities. I don’t know how to explain the friends without getting into the activities. I don’t know how to explain the activities at all without seemingly like some sort of crazy deviant, sex addict, or moral-less slut. I know I’m not a slut, but for someone unfamiliar to kink, it sounds ridiculous.

How do I explain the level of experience (or inexperience, rather) I have sexually whilst still making sense of the number of times I’ve been in intimate situations with folks – ala less clothing, pain, etc. Kinky play evokes sensual reactions, even when there is no outright touching or sexual contact – so is it sexual experience? Is it something I mention? How do I explain my enjoyment of pain, or do I not say anything? How do I tell them about my erotic stories, which are all kinky, without explaining the rest of my kink? How do I have a relationship with someone without mentioning any of it? I wish vanilla guys of interest would just somehow magically figure it out and be the one to bring it up or go there.

Basically, I don’t know how to be myself with a vanilla person. I acknowledge that certain vanilla people are open minded and may be able to talk about it without being into doing it, but I’ve not mastered how to discern who those people are yet. If I could find out VGF’s level of acceptance and/or interest in kinky things, maybe I’d feel less afraid of the possibilities there. Part of the appeal of meeting someone through the kinky community or an Alpha/dominant “vanilla” guy is that they make the innuendo, they bring up the out-of-the-norm sex stuff, they make the moves.

So, back to the search for a kinky partner in the meantime. I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up the kinky community and the openness and exploration. On a lot of levels, it’s fun and I’m young so why not have fun? At the same time, it’d be great to have someone looking out for my best interests, to play with regularly, to get sexual with, and to go out with in vanilla ways sometimes.