Monthly Archives: January 2013

Quote.

Posted on by InquisitiveExplorer

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Google Reader Recommendation

Posted on by InquisitiveExplorer

By blog, I refer to things I follow in google reader. They may be websites or tumblrs, etc.

Blogs I’ve been following that I highly recommend:

New blogs I’m following that I thus far seem like winners:

DC-specific blogs of interest:

All the Weddings

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A friend recently noted that I seem to have been to a lot of weddings lately. I have thought about how many people I know who are engaged/married, but I hadn’t really put it into perspective before.

I’ve been to two weddings thus far for close friends, and I’m currently in two more and likely invited to another. I’ve also been to one family wedding recently, and two other close family members got married in the last 6 months. My sister is also currently engaged.

Every wedding has a story. Whether it’s the planning fiascos, drama at the event itself, or post-marital hardship, it seems no one is spared. The stories and photos of excess are ridiculous. Here are some “fun” memories of my wedding experiences thus far. Note: the first two snippets happened this past year, the last three all sort of fell into being last week

The Sob Story

One of my college roommates got married last April. She got engaged when her mom was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. Unfortunately, her mom passed before the ceremony happened. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but also to be the bride’s “something blue” (as in the something old/new/borrowed/blue). The ceremony was a mess. The wedding ran late, photos weren’t taken, people didn’t dance, the DJ didn’t have the first song, and of course, the whole thing was tinged with sadness because of the loss of her mother.  On top of it all, I ended up not as a bridesmaid, but as a reader. This would have been fine, had she informed me before the day of (and before I spent $1300 on associated wedding things), but instead ended up a clusterfuck of awkwardness. But they’re married! And, nearly one year later, despite some serious issues with in-laws and housing, they’re still together.

The “Big Fat Jewish Wedding”

My cousin’s wedding this fall was another ridiculous affair. The whole event spanned the course of 4 days. There were 8 Shabbat/religious Jewish ceremonies over the first two days. There were two engagement dinner/giant celebrations prior to the wedding itself. The wedding  reception had four separate bands play. Friends performed skits, family wrote comedic sketches, and toasts happened galore. The hoorah went on for an hour. The groom wrote and performed a song for the bride.  There was a wedding cake, 2 other types of cake, Ben and Jerry’s, and cookies with baileys served at the reception. It literally could have been a movie for my big fat Jewish wedding. All that aside, this couple seems happier than any other I know, and they really seem truly meant for each other.

The Midwestern Prudes

One of my high school BFF’s got engaged in May, and I’m a bridesmaid (for real this time!). Lately, this wedding planning has gone kerplunk. The bride’s grandmother is having major health issues, so the family is too preoccupied to help her plan – and this for a girl who puts family above everything else. The couple hasn’t had sex in a year. Confrontations finally happened; essentially, fuck me or we’re through. The bride is extremely attractive by all modern and traditional standards, but her fiancé was a virgin until her and isn’t skilled enough to get her off. In his defense, she does no self-stimulation and has no clue how to get herself off either. They are shy on sex and don’t talk about the details…and now there are issues of trust, desirability, intimacy, etc. All before the wedding has happened. This one is on the rocks of happening right now.

The “I’m not getting married EVER…never mind!” Couple

The other high school BFF has been proclaiming for years that she didn’t believe in marriage. Then, of course, it devolved to not believing in wedding. Then, of course, she met “the one” and in her individual feminist way, she popped the question. They’re not sure of the particulars, but there will at least be a bachelorette party, a bridal party, and a reception/celebration of some sort, although probably not a ceremony and nothing at all religious. The thank-goodness thing here is that other than the date being only two weeks before my sister’s intended date, it should be relatively low-drama.

The mother-daughter soap opera

Then there’s my sister’s wedding…Ah, insanity. Obviously I’m a bridesmaid here, although my distance from home prevents me from being the maid of honor (thank God!). Unfortunately, my mom and sister both trust my insight and advice while having entirely differing ideas and views over what the wedding should be like, with neither having any idea how to plan one. My parents were very gracious in a budget for my sister.

Issue 1: she wants to buy a house and have a wedding. Complications: she has no money, no job, no credit, and her fiancé makes pennies. Logical response: consult a bank, figure out how much you can get approved for a mortgage and what type of down payment you need, then prioritize from there. Blunt sisterly response: If you want a house, you’re never going to have bulk money like this ever again, so use the wedding money for that and have a small wedding or elope.

Issue 2: my mom wants to invite EVERY FAMILY MEMBER EVER, and my sister wants a more intimate wedding more focused on having her friends there. Complication: my mom thinks my sister’s friends are the “dregs of the earth.” Logical response: make a list of all the possible invitees, prioritize, and then do announcements to the rest. People understand that weddings are finicky things and they won’t get butthurt about it.

They’ve been engaged for about a month, and found out about the budget about 2 weeks ago…and I spent 3 hours last week talking both parties down from hysteria. This does not bode well. Historically, my sister and mom are intermittently codependent and at each other’s throats, so do you see why I’m glad to be far away?

Book Review – Fat Sex: The Naked Truth

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Fat Sex: The Naked Truth by Rebecca Jane Weinstein. See more here.

First, as a whole, this book was maybe a 3.5/5. I finished it, which is saying something. I found certain parts interesting, see below. That said, by about 60% of the way through it was more repetitive than anything. There’s only so much you can read about size acceptance, fat shaming, health at every size, and self esteem before wanting to shoot yourself. I guess I thought there’d be more explicit short essays about specific sexual experiences, and the thoughts going through each person’s head in those moments. Instead, every chapter follows one person, including their familial background, fat journey, self esteem issues/encounters with fat shaming/dieting drama, with sociological, scientific, medical, psychological, and media-related statistics thrown in throughout. It’s a little preachy at times and a little dry at others.

All that aside, as I mentioned, there were nuggets of…well, not gold, maybe bronze…that did make it interesting enough to finish.

“Shifting the BMI down two points helped turn obesity into moral panic.” Regarding the fact that prior to a 1998 NIH report, Obesity was defined as a BMI of 32 or higher. This report, funded mostly by weight loss industry money and the American Obesity Association, made millions of people obese that previously were not.

Referring to the fact that many overweight people spend years trying to forgive themselves for their fat, which the author says is a good thing because “there’s nothing productive or life-affirming about self-loathing.” This person, however, had gone one step further. “She doesn’t forgive herself for being fat, because being fat is not an offense that requires forgiveness. It is not an offense at all.”

“70 percent of the variation in peoples’ weight may be accounted for by inheritance, a figure that means that weight is more strongly inherited than nearly any other condition, including mental illness, breast cancer or heart disease. (Gina Kolata, “Genes Take Charge, and Diets Fall by the Wayside.”) If fat is significantly determined by genes – which we’re constantly working to be able identify exact genes – we could end up in a world where we genetically control for obesity. Which leads me to wondering, are there fat eugenicists? As in, are there people promoting a world where only thin people with thin family histories procreate in order to obliterate obesity?

“The goal for men was not to have sex with skinny women, it was to have sex with women. Unless they wanted sex with other men….As it turns out, many of them liked fat women, because they have big tits, and big asses, and places to squeeze, and put things. Men like to put things places.” Regarding one woman’s online questioning, dating, and conversing with a wide variety of men. I just like the last part – men like to put things places. That they do.

A Chris Rock quote from “Bigger and Blacker” that is reprinted in the book: “Nobody likes who the fuck they are. Except fat, black women. Fat, black women don’t give a fuck what you think. She’s going out on Friday night…She’s like, ‘I’m sexy. I am sexy, yes, I am! I am the sexiest motherfucker here tonight!’ ‘Yeah, I got a gut. There’s some good pussy under this gut.'” 

“A 1950s size 16 is about a 2012 size 8.” Vanity sizing…a scary thing. Where are we going to be in 20 years? 100?

From a man attracted primarily to larger women, explaining his attraction: “If she exhibits some self-esteem, I realize the barriers she has had to overcome. And that makes me admire her more.”  I’m ok with someone being attracted to me for this…although I’ve never thought before about the strength it takes to overcome the adversity that is prejudices against fat, it is true.

“Every relationship she’d had up until that point started with her being merely acceptable to date; her body kept her from being marriage material. After they got to know her personality, her fat would become tolerable to overlook. At least that’s her impression.”  I’ve felt like that before…People love my personality, and as a result they tolerate my fat. It’s an odd thing, but could very well just be my impression. Thing is, as this book slams home over and over, your thoughts on yourself project to others, so if it’s my impression, it’s probably a self-fulfilling prophecy too.

“…a Cowboy: someone who comes along and captures your boy or girl, taking them for their own monogamous relationship.” I didn’t know there was a term for this…now I do, and I’m glad for it.

“If you’re going to be involved in polyamory you had better like to talk about things, communicate, negotiate, set boundaries and clear expectations – because otherwise, it will go very, very badly.” Yes. All of the yes. Not just polyamory, but for any alternative relationship model, to encompass all kink.

“Yes, more men were looking for a good time with a thin woman. But the men who wanted a relationship, who wanted to share a life and to give and receive emotional love, picked Carol for who she was in her entirety. So maybe it’s not such a terrible thing that she had fewer choices as a fat woman. The choices seemed to be more substantial and worthy of her time, her energy, and her caring.” What to remind myself of when I go out with my thinner friends. Even if I was thinner, would I want to be with someone who dismissed whole groups of people purely because of weight? Because being thin isn’t guaranteed to last forever, for anyone – pregnancies, illness, etc happen, and I want someone who loves me for me no matter what size I am.

“Why, if you don’t like your fat body, would you join a group explicitly for the purpose of appreciating it?”  I debate joining BBW or ‘fat admirer’ groups because: 1) I don’t want to be fetishized, 2) I want to be appreciated no matter my size,  3) I want to be healthy, and that may at different points lead to me being a different size; I don’t want someone who places such a strong emphasis on appreciating my largess to stand in the way of that or to lose feelings/attraction should being healthier equate with being smaller.

DO:WF Class Interest

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Awaiting the full schedule, but copying a friend’s idea and listing the classes of interest so I can remember them.

  • Erotic dancing for larger bodies by Cami Lucida. Lecture, Demo, Practice. 4:30 Saturday.
  • Anatomy for Rope: A Twist on the Human Body by Lynk. Lecture and Discussion. 11:30 Saturday.
  • Better Blowjobs by SherynB. Lecture, Demo, Practice. 11:30 Saturday.
  • Embrace the Darkness by Yosenio V. Lewis. Lecture and Discussion. 4:30 Sunday.
  • Evil, Mean, and Nasty Rope Bondage by Lqqkout. Lecture and Practice.
  • Kinky and Monogamous: Navigating BDSM while choosing Monogamy by DoNotGoGently. Lecture and Discussion. 4:30 Sunday.
  • Talk Dirtier: How To Let Your Tongue Go by Sinclair Sexsmith. Lecture, Demo, Practice. 11:30 Saturday.
  • Kinky Wrestling, Capt Gordon. 9:30 Saturday.

Maybe:

  • Alternative Beatings 101 by Lady Aisha. Lecture, Demo, Practice. 2:30 Saturday.
  • Bare! Stories by Jefferson. 8 Sunday.
  • Better Sex Through Body Awareness by Frances Reed. Lecture and Demo.
  • Beyond the Playroom: How to Structure a BDSM Relationship by Ray Nay. Lecture and Discussion. 2:30 Friday.
  • Bigger Body Play by Yosenio V Lewis. Lecture and Discussion. 2:30 Saturday.
  • Bois who date Girls who see Boys by Lqqkout. Lecture and Discussion.
  • Fishnets and Furry Handcuffs: The Perception of Kink in Popular Culture by Leila. Lecture. 2:30 Sunday.
  • Full Out, All in, Naked to the World: YOU by SherynB. Lecture and Discussion. 4:30 Friday.
  • Fundamentals of Rope Suspension by Sir C. Lecture and Demo. 2:30 Saturday.
  • Hot and Easy Negotiation by Heartbound and TouchDeep. Lecture, Discussion, Demo, Practice. 9:30 Saturday.
  • Needles for Bondage by Sir C. Lecture, Demo, Practice. 4:30 Sunday.
  • Protocol in D/s Relationships by Sinclair Sexsmith. Lecture and Discussion. 2:30 Sunday.
  • So You Think You Can Top by Finn. Discussion. 2:30 Saturday.
  • Writing About Sex by Sinclair Sexsmith. Lecture, Discussion, Demo, Practice. 4:30 Saturday.

Devotion

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I was debating word choice in a Fetlife writing earlier, specifically regarding the word “devotion,” and it made me think. It stood out because “devotion” seems like a very strong term. In brings about thoughts of worship, religion, and devoutness to me. I originally chose it because submission, to me, involves devoting a significant amount of time and energy to my Dominant (pleasing and serving him, obeying him, and making him a priority). Making anyone a priority involves a certain level of devotion to that person.

In my internal debate over whether or not to change the word, I looked it up in the thesaurus.

Devotion: adoration, affection, allegiance, ardor, attachment, consecration, constancy, dedication, deference, devoutness, earnestness, enthusiasm, faithfulness, fealty, fervor, fidelity, fondness, intensity, love, observance, passion, piety, reverence, sanctity, service, sincerity, spirituality, worship, zeal.

Furthermore, here’s the dictionary definition of devotion:

dev-o-tion, noun

1) profound dedication; consecration

2) earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.

3) an assignment or appropriation to any purpose, cause, etc.: the devotion of one’s wealth and time to scientific advancement

4) Often, devotions. Ecclesiastical. religious observance or worship; a form of prayer or worship for special use.

In both instances, I boldfaced the parts that call out to me. Devotion is the perfect word for how I imagine submission. I aspire to have a romantic relationship wherein my partner could use any of those synonyms to describe my love for and actions toward him. Devotion really is the most ideal word choice :).

Updates and Unexpected Issue

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I think I’ve decided that my weeknights should be low-key, inexpensive, and primarily introvert focused since I keep my weekends so busy. It can’t be both. This is a tad backwards than most folks I know, but whatever, to each their own.

I rediscovered my Wii this week with my roommate, and have gained a new obsession with Just Dance. It’s like zumba, only in the privacy of my home! Great cardio, fun music, and I don’t feel like it’s work…so that’s a good thing. I’ve also watched a ridiculous amount of the show My Boys this past week. I’m almost finished with all 4 seasons (context – it’s a 20 minute show on Netflix). I highly recommend it.

I started my weekend trying to be productive by going to the DMV. In the never-ending effort to register my car, of course the whole queuing and transaction system went down and they sent everyone home. I had them check my forms just so I was set for next time, and lo and behold, I was missing another form. So, off to the bank to get another form filled out, and I should be ready to get this shit done next time I can take off work to go.

After that, it was time for DC Rope! I linked the vanilla activity group I run to DC Rope, which should be good. There’s so much overlap that it made a lot of sense. It was great to catch up with a lot of folks and spend some time in rope, although it’s never enough. I want more…

I also volunteered at a wine event this weekend, which was crazy busy but a blast. I got to sample a bunch of wines, and I realized I really enjoy pouring wine. I generally like pouring tea and all drinks, but this was especially fun. I’m a pretty good salesperson, and I liked learning my product and persuading people to try it. I would really enjoy selling for a winery or working for a supplier.

I went to a “Slumber Parties” party and bought a new sex toy yesterday…I know, I really didn’t need ANOTHER one…but I couldn’t resist! It’s like the search for the perfect pair of heels, only trying to achieve the penultimate orgasm via toy. I don’t have a hitachi, since personally they freak me the hell out. They’re too strong. I keep buying toys though, and at the end of the day I always end up back with my $5 vibrating bullet. In an effort to get over my penetration issues, I’ve been trying to use insertable toys more. I’m wondering if I can charge them to insurance… The new toy is fancy and made of a smoother non-jelly material. It’s an insertable intended to hit the g-spot with an external clit stimulator.

So then of course I went home to use my new toy…and poof problems ensue. Right now, I don’t have a strong interest in anyone, which has put me in a strange place. I used to always get off to fantasies with faceless men. In the past few years, I’ve taken to getting off to fantasies involving whichever men I’m into at the time. So, without a particular man floating my boat, I don’t have someone to put into my fantasies…and that’s awkward. I actually logistically stumbled in getting off last night. Crazy! Instead I had to go back to focusing on the actions and fetishes and how they make me feel, the situations, instead of the people…which did eventually work, just took some paradigm-shifting.

On the plus side, I think I have a new story idea. It involves an innocent woman getting arrested. An appealing guard notices her involuntary reactions to handcuffs and chains, and taking pity on her knowing the trials and dangers of holding cells and jail that she’ll face while waiting to be absolved, he offers an alternative. It’s a bit in the reluctance/non-consent department, but since I’m too logistically focused, there will be safe words and other options so that she has a choice, there’ll be a romantic element, and of course teasing, denial, minor objectification, and bondage. There may even be co-topping with another guard in the picture.

It’s a New Year!

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I haven’t posted about what’s going on or anything like that in a while, so here’s a random assortment of things.

First, went snow tubing this weekend, which was a blast. Restaurant week was just announced, and I got super excited and made a bunch of reservations before even committing people to go to them. Work has mildly improved, because I was finally able to figure out a way for my bosses to take ownership a bit – and thereby take the burden off of me – and our senior-most person just resigned. I got super-cheap transit tickets to NYC for the end of March and I have a free place to stay. I might be able to go to Puerto Rico for cheap too :).

Kink-wise, I’ve been making it a point to go to DC Rope events and Rapture things, but that’s about it. I’m sick of going to events that focus on pick-up play because I can’t relax and be that intimate with people at the drop of a hat. I need to find events and happy hours to go to where I can meet potential kinky partners that doesn’t involve sexual situations, but easier said than done.

Generally, I feel relatively on top of things and happy about that. I also keep feeling more than a little emotionally detached from things, which isn’t good at all. The lack of sunshine in my days, the stress at work for so long, and the lack of any romantic interest is getting to me. I’m not depressed, just out of sorts a tad.

Currently very much into: planning recipes and Goodreads.

Highly Recommended: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, Zedd

Stumbled Upon Quotes:

“A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to.” -Zen Habits

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” -Bill Cosby

“You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” -Erin Gloria Ryan

“Surround yourself with people who make you happy. People who make you laugh, who help you when you’re in need. People who genuinely care. They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.” -Karl Marx

Goals and New Year – 2013

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Overarching goals: get in better shape, get more organized, take more time to myself, focus on my hobbies more. See below for metrics/how to.

Fitness and Health:

  • Participate fully in my friend’s charity weight loss challenge as a tracking mechanism.
  • 156 times to the gym or 4,680 minutes of cardio, whichever comes first.  (This equates to 3 times a week for 30 minutes each time. Could go less times but work out longer, or more times but work out less.)
  • Register for, train for, and actually complete a 5K.
  • No electronics after 11:30pm.
  • Drink water every morning first thing and with dinner.

Organizing Life:

  • Create a budget and stick to it in order to (1) pay of all of my credit cards and (2) save at least $1,000. Consider using Mint as a helpful tool. Also, enforce by taking out cash at the beginning of every month and using that for any entertainment, food, shopping, going out. Use debit card for gas, online-only purchases (amazon/itunes), and grocery shopping. Manage online credit card statements and eliminate unnecessary monthly charges.
  • Friend organizing: Collect and organize addresses, phone numbers, and contact information for all friends can think of.
  • Digital organizing: Collect and organize online bookmarks, clean up sites I follow in my google reader, compile all passwords, organize saved documents & photos on my computer.

Time to self and focusing on hobbies:

  • Stay at home 2 nights each week. Can substitute for hanging out at someone’s house. Need this time for laundry, cleaning, groceries, cooking for week, working out.
  • Take 52 photos.
  • Write at least one short erotic story.
  • Create Kinky&Awkward website or blog, fill with moments.
  • Go to at least one never-been-before destination, either domestically or internationally.

Kinky Goals:

  • Learn more about rope from the top perspective: sommerville bowline, double coin, TK, decorative karadas.
  • Acquire a flogger and learn to properly use it.
  • Continue to improve my “saying no” skills when it comes to pick up play and negotiations.
  • Have good sex with someone I care about, whom I lust for, and whose company I enjoy. Part and parcel, more blowjobs and orgasms! Again, all safely, with carefully considered partners.
  • Watch the movie Secretary, finally. Preferably while tied up.
  • Experience wax play as a bottom.
  • Try cupping and/or fire cupping.

To-Do Activities:

  • snow tubing
  • kayaking
  • cooking class
  • racquetball
  • bingo at a bingo place
  • National Zoo
  • Botanical Gardens
  • Twilight Polo
  • Williamsburg
  • Dancing at Glen Echo
  • Hiking/Walking/Photography in Great Falls or Rock Creek Park
  • Military band concert
  • Ocean City/Atlantic City/Virginia Beach – visit one
  • Top Golf
  • DC Rollergirls or Charm City Rollergirls
  • The Mansion on O St
  • Spa World
  • Museum of Crime and Punishment